by B C Morgan
“What do you want?” He asks, as his eyes fixate on my chest and the patch of skin he can see on my abdomen. Gotcha.
“I’m just passing through and thought we could have a little fun,” I reply, making his smile return instantly.
He reaches out for me again and I move into him this time as his mates holler at us, this is not going to end the way they envision. I lay my hands on his shoulders before I drive my knee up into his groin, as hard as I can. He falls to his knees, clutching himself as tears stream down his face.
“That’s just the beginning, watch your back Tommy boy. You don’t get to carry on as though nothing bad ever happened,” my voice reminds me of subdued thunder, not close enough to elicit fear just yet, but still packs a punch. “If what happened that night doesn’t haunt you then you are so far removed from your humanity that I’d be doing this world a service by running you down with my car,” hopefully I’m pulling off the ominous feel that I’m aiming for. I wouldn’t do it, but he doesn’t know that. I want him scared and fearing me. I never want our past to repeat itself and he won’t get off Scot free, not this time.
I turn around and walk away but I have every intention of making sure he gets his punishment, even if I have to drop his name with the local dealers around. I’m sure they’d love to know how much money he skims off the top for himself, he’s a very naughty boy and dealers don’t like their runners thieving.
WALKING through the front door and my feet carry me to the office door again, it’s still locked and it’s calling my name. I know I need to find a way of getting inside. I don’t really want to resort to breaking the window, but I will if I have too.
I have no idea where Harrison is, but I know my appetite is non-existent. I think I may just go to bed and face the door tomorrow. I will get inside that room and I will discover if he has any files that can clear the picture of Elliott’s life, even if just a little bit.
Climbing the stairs feels like conquering Mount Everest, I hate being back here. A house that was never and will never be a home, there are no memories to look back on fondly enough to cause a smile. There aren’t any pictures hanging on the walls, except from the ones that I put up in my room. It’s nothing more than brick and mortar and I cannot wait to leave.
I pause outside my door and lay my hand against the cool wood, as I press my forehead against it and I’m trying to remind myself that we’re only here for a couple of days and then we can leave. I won’t come back here, no matter what happens.
“Henleigh,” I don’t look up as I feel Harrison move closer. I bet if I push my hand out it will brush against him. I won’t do it, but I know I am right. Why is he standing so close and what is he looking for me to say?
I hear him sigh as he passes me and walks down the stairs, my own sigh is nothing more than an echo as I open my door and step inside. I’m met with so many photos of Elliott it makes my heart smile and cry simultaneously, I need you.
I cross to my chest of drawers and hunt through it until I find an old top of his. I remove my top, bra and jeans, before slipping his over my head. It’s an old top that falls to my mid-thigh and keeps all the important bits covered. I don’t plan on leaving this room, so I won’t put pj bottoms on. My frenchies will do just fine.
I spread out on my mattress and turn on my iPod and listen to Lewis Capaldi on repeat, by the time his voice has soothed my soul and calmed my demons I feel nothing but raw. I’m naked and bare and no one will ever know, because there’s no one around now who cares enough to see. To see how close I am to the precipice, I’m just one gust of air away from tumbling over. I’ve always loved a good metaphor and only I really hear them. I wonder how many would realise what I mean by it. I don’t have a death wish, but I am starting to wonder what I have left to keep on trying for. Death may be the coward’s way out, but I’m getting to the point where I’m sick and tired of being strong and fearless. Why can’t I be a coward, just this once?!
My eyes drift closed and the music plays on until the battery dies, I’m dead to the world until a loud roar has me waking up instantly. I’m on high alert as I run from my room and rush down the stairs, I trip on the last one and only just manage to grab hold of the banister to stop myself from face planting the floor.
I swing around it and barrel into the living room, instantly falling into shock. I can’t believe what I’m seeing, I just didn’t expect it. I rush to the sofa as Harrison roars out again and his fist comes up swinging. I duck from the onslaught but he’s fast asleep, I have no idea who he’s battling with, but by the sweat beading on his brow I know he’s struggling.
“Harrison,” I say it softly, a little worried to touch him in case he tries to punch me, but my voice isn’t penetrating the barrier of his sleeping world.
“H,” I say a little louder, but nothing happens. He starts to kick out and his hands clench round what looks like an invisible neck.
Screw it, if I get punched then that’s a risk I’m willing to take as I climb on top of him and lay my head against his chest. He stiffens beneath me before his hands are suddenly squeezing my hips and I lift my head just as his eyes shoot open, bloodshot and wild. He looks lost and I don’t know if I’m only making things worse. I don’t think he’s aware as his eyes drift closed and his arms wrap round me and he moans softly. My eyes widen as I hear him moan my name and hold onto me like I’m his lifeline, here’s to hoping I can help keep his demons away for a little while.
I didn’t know he had such bad dreams, I don’t recall him having any before. But then again, we’ve been sharing a bed the entire time. This is the first time he’s slept alone since we left Cornwall in our rear view mirror.
I WAKE up to Harrison mumbling as he comes around and he stiffens as he realises I’m lying on top of him, but he doesn’t move me.
“Woman, what’s wrong with your bed?” He asks and he sounds worried, I don’t think he wants me to know about his nightmares and I have no desire to make him feel any worse.
“I know it’s sad, but I got used to having you with me. You were fast asleep when I came down, sorry,” I say sheepishly, giving him a wide grin.
I can tell he doesn’t believe me, but he won’t accuse me of lying, not if in his mind, this helps him to save face.
“If it helps you to sleep then I guess we can continue to share at night,” he says acting chivalrous. He has a false smile on his face and his eyes are downcast, I think he’d be fidgeting if I wasn’t still on top of him. I don’t mind that it’s for him especially when I sleep better when I’m not alone as well.
“Umm Woman, what are you wearing?” He asks as his eyes darken and his hands on my hips tighten slightly.
“Oh shit,” I say, feeling flustered as I jump to my feet and take the stairs two at a time. His laughter follows me all the way to my room.
NINE
I SHOULD HAVE GOT Elijah to show me how to pick a lock, but it’s not like I can ask him now. Could I?
I pull my phone out, my thumb is hovering over the screen. I shouldn’t do this, it isn’t like he’s answering my messages but it’s been what, eleven days. It wouldn’t hurt to send him another. Besides if he doesn’t answer this time, then I’ll stop. Maybe that’s what he wants.
Eli, I know you haven’t answered and I understand that, I really do. I know I hurt you and I guess I still am, but I’ll let you go after this. I won’t keep being selfish, besides after this you probably won’t even want to see my number in your contact list anymore. I need your help and you’re the only one I can think to ask about this. I miss you.
“What are you doing?” I jump out of my skin which only makes H narrow his eyes more, oh yeah, I look suspicious for sure.
“I messaged Eli and before you get your knickers in a twist he’s the only one who knows how to pick a bloody lock,” I say as I put my hands on my hips and square my shoulders, preparing for the fight he’ll likely start.
“I don’t wear knickers,” that’s all he says as he turns around and
walks away, huh I was not expecting that.
What do you need?
He replied, but that’s all he says. Damn I think I prefer it when he ignores me.
I have this room that I need to get into, but it’s locked…
Ten minutes pass and I don’t hear anything back, I guess I need to think up a different way of getting inside.
I put my phone in my pocket as it starts to ring and my heart comes to a halt as Elijah’s face pops up on the screen. Oh shit, I don’t know if I can handle this. Man up Henleigh, you want his help then deal with it.
“Hi,” it’s soft and hesitant, and I’m sure he can hear the confusion in my voice.
“What the fuck are you up to?” Damn but he sounds genuinely angry at me, does he really need to call me for this?
“I’m trying to get into my dad’s office okay, I need to know if he has anything on Elliott. It’s not like he’s around to ask,” I sound bitter to my own ears, but I can’t help it. It’s the way I feel when it comes to my parents.
“For crying out loud, I knew it had something to do with that,” he says something else ,but it goes in one ear and right out the other as I hear a girl calling his name.
“Sorry to bother you, get back to your girlfriend. And before you get on your high horse, I never expected you to wait around for me. I just thought it may have taken longer than what, three weeks. Oh no, what am I saying it hasn’t even been that fucking long,” and I’m shouting again. Jealousy is rearing its ugly head, but it hurts so damn much.
“It’s not like that, but don’t be such a hypocrite when you're off with Harrison of all people,” he’s shouting too but I hear him swear under his breath as he realises what he just said.
“How do you know I’m with Harrison?” My tone is as cold as ice and H comes out at the sound of his name.
“No, I…” he’s scrambling, and I think I’ll save him from even trying to extricate himself from the mess he’s created.
“Don’t lie to me, and I’m taking a leaf out of your book now. Bye Elijah,” I hang up as I hear him shout my name and I don’t even think about it as I take out the SIM card and snap it in half.
I’m breathing hard as I try to contain my anger, how did he know I was with Harrison? And the possibilities of who Sawyer was working for seem more endless than ever before, it just doesn’t make sense.
“What’s going on?” H asks as he drops his hands onto my shoulders and runs them up and down my arms, trying to soothe the tsunami of emotions inside me.
“He knows we're together,” I force the words out as panic and anger wage war for the dominant position of how I should feel right now.
“Ahh, and you're worried he may think less of you,” he removes his hands from my arms and the hurt and indignation I can hear helps to settle me a little.
For crying out loud, he thinks that’s why I’m freaking out.
“I do not give two flying fucks who knows I’m with you, I mean I care that it puts you in danger somewhat, but that's it. What bothers me is that he knows, because I never told him. I know Roxie wouldn’t have, so how does he know?” I’m enunciating every word and I can see the moment it registers in his pig headed mind. Atta boy, we’re back on the same page.
“You think that Sawyer guy was hired by him, because that’s stalker level crazy. He doesn’t seem the type.” He’s raising one eyebrow and looking at me as though I’m losing the plot. The disbelief is what’s getting to me, have I been wrong yet?
“I don’t know, but it explains why he never replied to me. He thought I’d replaced them with you, don’t you just love how people jump to conclusions,” I say sarcastically as I start pacing the floor, trying to work out what is going on here.
I know there is something I’m missing, there’s this huge red neon light flashing above me, but I can’t determine what it’s trying to say. What is the bigger picture here and why would Eli have someone following me?
I go into the kitchen to make my third cup of coffee when a loud crashing sound rings out from the hallway, what the heck is Harrison doing now?
Running out, I cannot believe what I’m seeing. The door to my dad’s office is splintered and cracked in two, but at least it’s open.
“You clever boy,” I say as I throw my arms around him without thinking. He stiffens beneath me and I pull back, I can feel my face flaming and I refuse to look at him as I duck into the office and begin my search.
It takes hours of searching every inch of his office before I realise anything worth its weight in gold will be in his safe. I try all the combinations I can think of, mine and El’s birthday, mum and dad’s. Even their wedding anniversary but nothing works, I don’t understand it.
“Try the day he died,” Harrison says casually and I’m looking at him as though he’s bat shit crazy. Why would he choose a day like that?
“No one would expect it woman, it's what I did when I was planning all the ways I could make you suffer. I kept it locked away and I used the date you rammed into my sister, it was a constant reminder of why I would always hate you,” his tone is dark and his face is hard. The only part I don’t like is how he said, always.
He types in the date and we hear the click as the lock releases and I open the door, there’s only one file inside and three letters, one each for mum, dad and me. My hand is shaking as I pull them out, but I put my parents’ letters back. I don’t care what he revealed in those, they weren’t meant to be read by me and I will always respect his privacy.
“You’re not going to read those?” H asks, as his brows draw down into a frown and I slap his hand as he reaches inside for them.
“They’re not mine to read,” it’s all I say and I’m already miles away as I clutch the folder and the letter to my chest and leave the office. Am I ready for this?
I go into the living room and sink down on the floor, it earns me another weird look from H as he sits behind me on the sofa. I do not need to explain myself right now, as I spread the contents of the folder out across the coffee table. Deep breathes Pipsqueak you can do this. I almost fool myself into believing that I can hear Elliott say those words to me, but this isn’t some fairy-tale. I won’t get a chance to talk to him one last time or hear his voice whispering in the wind. He’s gone and I have to face this alone, without him. I know Harrison is behind me but it’s not the same, he’s here out of circumstance, nothing more.
He moves closer to me until I’m sitting between his legs, it's like they’re a barrier keeping me safe from the world. How poetic, NOT.
We browse through everything and I don’t like what I’m seeing, it’s painting a picture of a brother I didn’t have. He was gentle and kind, he didn’t do drugs and carry weapons. So why were they found on him?
“Was your brother in a gang?” Harrison asks as he skims through another page, of course he wasn’t and I tell him as much.
“It was just him and the others, they were as far from being a gang as you could get. For crying out loud, they had me with them half the time,” I’m getting defensive, but he was my brother and I won’t have his image tarnished any more than it already is.
“Okay, chill out woman I was only asking. Although you have to admit they must have been planning something pretty bad with the way they were kitted out, and the fact that the guns they had match the bullet found in Damon,” he says it gently like it must mean El is guilty. But he’s wrong, Elliott would never have done that.
“How do you even know that?” I shout at him, letting my rage out a little at a time.
“It's all here, your dad collected it all. I’m sorry Henleigh, but your brother did play a part in this. Whether you want to believe it or not,” his voice is deepening with his frustration, but I won’t accept this. Elliott can’t defend himself, so I’ll do it for him.
“Just shut up,” I scream as I spin around and slap him hard across the face, he looks shocked, but I’m not done. “You didn’t know Elliott or the others, it isn’t fair to assume something
like this, when he can’t defend himself. You are wrong,” I’m trembling as I get to my feet and my eyes are wild.
“Henleigh,” so fucking patronising, that is what he is. He doesn’t need to talk to me like I’m a child.
“Just get out,” another scream before I storm up the stairs and the sound of the front door slamming closed soon follows.
“Please let him be wrong Elliott, please. I need him to be wrong,” tears stream down my face as I fall onto my bed and scream into my pillow until my throat grows hoarse and I eventually fall asleep.
I WAKE up and everything is dark, what is wrong with me? I never fall asleep during the day like this, but it has been really stressful. Is it any wonder I feel so worn out? I’m emotionally drained. The house is so quiet, I hope Harrison is back, I feel bad for what I said to him, I was just… no it doesn’t matter. There is no excuse for the way I acted.
That’s odd, he doesn’t seem to be here. Where is he? I look in the living room and the kitchen, I even search the dining room but he’s not there. Where has he gone? He’s okay I’m sure. We've only been here one night, no one would have found us yet. Should I go and look for him, it’s not like he doesn’t know the area. Maybe he wants to be alone, for five hours. Yeah because that’s plausible.
I rush back upstairs and throw on my oversized hoodie and trainers and pull my hair up into a messy bun, I grab the car keys and rush back down the steps. I pull the door open and come face to face with H, my god he reeks. He’s pissed, clearly I know where he’s been.
“Henleigh,” he says way too loudly, as he throws his arms out wide with a massive, teeth showing, smile on his face.
“H, what the hell, get in the house,” I say as I drag him inside, looking around to make sure no one is watching.
“It’s s’kay, itsh all good,” he says as he stumbles into the living room and I push him down onto the sofa.
“How much have you had to drink?” I ask, pulling his trainers off, not that he’s making it easy for me.