“Juliet.”
I hear Kale’s voice.
I’m glad it’s him and not Jason, or my mom. I can’t face them right now.
He sits down beside me and he holds me while I cry into his chest. He’s been here for me through this all. He’s more than I deserve.
“I’m never going to have a baby,” I say, through the tears. I’m not even sure if he can understand me because I am sobbing so hard. I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted a baby before now. I hadn’t decided. But now that I’m not going to, it’s devastating.
“We would make a beautiful baby,” Kale says.
I sit back and look at him. “Do you think our baby would have your blond hair or my brown hair?”
I need to have this conversation. I need to know what it would be like to have this with him. I know that I’ll never live it, and that kills me, but I need to pretend. Even for just a moment.
“Hmm...” he says. “How about one kid with my hair color and your eye color and one kid with your hair color and my eye color.”
“Hopefully they would both have your eye color,” I say. “Because your eyes are gorgeous. Mine are just brown. So boring.”
“Your eyes are not boring,” Kale says. “Your eyes are awesome. They’re so dark they’re almost black. But there is also a little bit of green in them. I can see it when you’re standing in the sun.”
“I’ve never noticed,” I say.
“I notice everything about you, Juliet.”
“I’m sorry I cried on you,” I tell him.
“Never apologize for crying on me,” he says, then kisses my forehead.
“I can’t tell her, Kale.”
“Then let’s not tell her,” he says. “We can just keep this secret between you, Jason, Miranda, and me for now.”
“Okay,” I say. “But what should I say about me running out of the house like that? And you can totally tell I’ve been crying.”
“Tell her you’re on your period. Girls cry sometimes for no reason, right?” he asks.
I laugh. “Kale, I can’t say that.”
“Tell her you were thinking about the baby we lost. You know, ’cause you were pregnant when we got married.”
I smack his arm. “Be serious.”
“Ouch,” he says, rubbing his arm.
My phone vibrates with a text from Jason.
Jason: I covered for you, Juliet. You can’t tell Mom. Not now. It would kill her.
I show the text to Kale.
I’m glad Jason agrees. I absolutely can’t tell my mom.
8 p.m.
Go bowling.
Miranda, Jason, Kale, and I are at the bowling alley, putting on ugly shoes. Kale is typing our names into the computer. Miranda and I already had our ‘hold each other and cry’ moment, and now we’ve decided to have fun.
“So, my sister’s friend, Kate, teaches a yoga class,” Miranda tells me. “Jason told me a few things on your list. I thought you and I could go in the morning. I mean, it’s on the other side of the city and it starts at 7 a.m., but it could be fun. I’ve always wanted to try yoga.”
Miranda is the definition of athletic. In school she ran track and played soccer. She skis the mountains that Jason and Kale aren’t advanced enough to ski. She is one of the best swimmers I’ve ever met. Like, we decided to swim across the lake once. I made it to the other side, about five minutes after her, and halfway back I had to stop. She swam all the way back to shore. Afterwards, she raced Jason across. I mean, this girl is fit. I try to picture her doing yoga, but I can’t.
“You’re going to do yoga?” I ask.
“Yeah. Yoga can get pretty intense,” she says. “But we will go to a beginners’ class.”
“Good, because my idea of a work out is texting or lifting food into my mouth,” I say.
She laughs.
But she doesn’t deny, because she knows it’s the truth.
“Speaking of phones, you haven’t had yours out all night,” she comments.
It’s weird for me to not be on my phone. I’m usually checking Twitter, checking YouTube, checking Instagram, Snapchat, or any of the other social media platforms that I use.
“Yeah. I spent so much time building up my career that I never took time to enjoy myself. I’m realizing now that I can have a career and have a life. Unfortunately, it’s a little bit too late,” I say. “Kale has been helping me so much. He edits all my vlogs now.”
We walk over to pick out a ball.
I find the lightest one that is pink.
“Seven pounds. Perfect,” I say.
Miranda laughs and picks up a sixteen pound ball.
See, athletic.
We walk back over to our lane. Kale and Jason are both picking out balls. I can only assume this whole outing is going to turn into a big competition between the two of them, because it always does.
“Oh, God. I can feel the testosterone in the air,” Miranda says, as the two of them walk back over.
“I can smell it,” I say, waving a hand in front of my face.
“Actually, that’s the people behind us,” she says, leaning closer. “They’re drunk.”
I look behind us and see that she is right. One of the guys actually ends up falling down on the way to the lane.
“That’s definitely going to hurt in the morning,” I say.
He starts to get up and ends up falling again.
I pull my vlogging camera out of my purse and film the guy. It takes him three more tries to get up. I extend my arm and point the camera at myself.
“And that is why you don’t get drunk in public,” I say.
“Or ever,” Miranda says.
“Exactly,” I say. “So, if you couldn’t tell, I’m home.”
“Well, not home. Your home is in LA now,” she says, pouting.
“Idaho will always be my home,” I say, then get up, turning the camera around. Kale is looking at Jason while he bowls. “Why the serious face?”
“I’ve got to beat him,” Kale says. “I’ve got to prove myself as a man. And as the husband of his little sister, I will never live it down if he beats me.”
“STRIKE!” Jason yells, and then turns to Kale. “Not looking so tough, anymore.”
Kale gets up and stretches out. I know he’s playing it up a little for the camera. We all do it, even if we think we don’t.
“You got this, babe,” I say.
“Gross,” I hear Miranda say.
“At least I didn’t call him muffin,” I say, laughing.
Miranda rolls her eyes, but smiles. I turn the camera to Kale as he rolls the ball.
The ball rolls fast down the middle.
It knocks down every pin except for two on the outside back. They couldn’t be farther from each other, and I’m not sure how much Kale has gone bowling, but I don’t think he’s gone enough to know how to knock those two pins down. It looks hard.
Jason, who is laughing very hard behind me, obviously doesn’t think he can knock down the pins either.
“Laugh all you want,” Kale says, waiting for his ball to return. “But this game is far from over.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jason says. “You’re just mad because you’re behind.”
Kale ignores him and takes his turn. He ends up only knocking one of the pins down, which is still better than anything I could do.
I pass my vlogging camera to Kale. “This is going to be an epic disaster. I want it filmed.”
“Okay,” he says.
“Got any advice?” I ask, holding the ball.
“Yeah.” Kale clears his throat and turns the camera on himself. “Bowling isn’t just a sport. It’s an art. To win this game, you can’t just roll the ball. You have to be the ball. Be confident. Keep your arm straight.” He turns the camera back to me. “You got this, babe.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I say sarcastically, but smile. I get why Kale already has almost two million subscribers. He’s hilarious.
I take the ball and sort of toss it. It hi
ts the floor with a loud bang and rolls about halfway to the pins before going into the gutter.
I pout.
“You did good,” Kale says, turning off the camera. “Let me help you.”
Jason comes up. “I’ll vlog this.”
I grab the ball as it comes out, and I walk towards the lane. Kale comes up behind me.
“Hey, no touching my sister,” Jason says, pointing the camera at us.
“She’s my wife. I can touch her if I want,” Kale says.
I rather like him touching me.
“Look down,” he says. “Do you see the lines?”
I look at the lines directly below me.
“Don’t pay attention to the pins. Just look at the lines,” he says, then takes a step back. “You got this.”
I do as he says and throw the ball, making sure to watch the lines instead of the pins.
And then something magical happens... I knock down four pins.
I jump up and down and then throw my arms around Kale. “I did it!”
Okay, so maybe I only knocked down four pins, which most people would probably consider a fail, but not me. Last time it went in the gutter. So the fact that I was able to at least knock something down makes me really happy.
“You’re awesome,” Kale says.
Jason knuckle bumps me and Miranda high fives me.
Miranda goes to take her turn. She gets a gutter ball both times, even after Jason tried to help her.
Kale knuckle bumps me in secret.
I laugh, because I seriously love my family. This night is perfect and I hope it never ends.
Sunday, June 19
Do yoga.
On Sunday morning, Miranda and I get up extra early to go do yoga. She was right. Yoga isn’t as easy as it looks. And afterwards, we rush home to get a shower for church. After church, we all go to my mom’s house for lunch. Kale’s mom and dad are supposed to come over, too. Dad, Jason, and Kale are out back by the grill. Miranda and I are in the kitchen with Mom getting a few things together.
Miranda looks nervous, as she fills the glasses with ice.
“We changed our wedding date,” Miranda finally says to my mom. “To August sixth.”
Mom drops the bowl in her hand. Thankfully there is a lid on it. “What do you mean you changed your wedding date? You can’t change the date. We have the church rented and all the flowers ordered.”
“We can change it,” Miranda says. “I’ve already called a lot of places and haven’t had any problems with changing the date.”
“Why would you change the date?” Mom asks.
Miranda glances at me, and licks her lips nervously. “Um... well...”
“She’s not pregnant,” I say, before my mom can ask. “Mom seems to think everybody is pregnant.”
“Not pregnant,” Miranda says. “But we love each other so much that we don’t want to wait until January. Plus, who wants to have an anniversary in January. There aren’t even cool places to honeymoon.”
“Exactly,” I say. “June second was the perfect day to get married. We can go on our anniversary trips any...”
Anniversary trips.
I won’t be having any anniversary trips, because Kale and I won’t be married for a year before...
Miranda turns the attention away from me before my mom can notice that I’ve stopped in the middle of my sentence. “Juliet is right. August is a great month to get married. In January we will probably have three feet of snow on the ground. You know how Idaho winters are.”
“Hmm... I wish you guys had made your mind up before now,” Mom says. “Not to worry, though. We can make this work.”
The doorbell goes off.
“I’ll get that,” I say, knowing it will be Kale’s parents.
I’ve known his parents my whole life, but I’m nervous. This is the first time I’ll be seeing them as Kale’s wife. They know that we eloped in Vegas. I just hope they don’t hate me. Kale is their only child, and they missed his wedding. I can’t be their favorite person right now.
“Hey, Becky. Tony,” I say.
“Juliet,” Becky says, putting her arms around me. “I always knew Kale and you would end up together someday.” She pulls back. “I’m upset that I wasn’t there to see the wedding, but I forgive you. I remember what it’s like to be young and in love.” She sighs. “I wanted to elope in Vegas, but Tony talked me into a wedding. I regretted it, of course. Tony’s mom was so controlling of wedding details. I ended up hating everything about my wedding, even my dress.”
“She’s still sore about it,” Tony says, giving me a side hug. “Congratulations, kid. Welcome to the family.”
“We need to go shopping,” Becky says. “Are you two going to be living here or in LA? You know what, it doesn’t matter. I’ll come to LA. I need to buy you a nice housewarming gift. What is the color scheme in your living room?”
I laugh. “My apartment is small. The living room, dining room, kitchen, bedroom, and office are all in the same room.”
“Oh, honey, you don’t need to live in such a small place.”
“Los Angeles is expensive,” I say. “I mean, I make good money, but I want to save. Someday I’d like to buy a home.”
“We will help you,” Tony says.
“Yes, we will,” Becky says.
“You don’t have to...”
“We want to!” she says, cutting me off. “I’ll be coming to LA and I will help you two find a nice place. Maybe a three bedroom. That way you can have an office, bedroom and guest room. That would be nice. A big place, so there is plenty of room to film. Lots of windows. Natural lighting is so much better than stage lighting.”
Becky knows a lot about YouTube videos. She used to help Kale, and me, film some. The lighting at their house is amazing. I miss making videos over there.
“Kale is out back, helping with the grill.”
Tony takes off out to the back deck, knowing exactly where they are.
What is it with men and grilling out? If you asked them to cook something in the kitchen, they’d be running away. But if you ask them to cook outside, they love it. I don’t get it, but then again, I’m not a man.
Becky follows me into the kitchen.
“I just hate the thought of you and Kale living in a studio apartment,” Becky says.
“I agree,” my mom says. “You’re married now. You should get a bigger place. You need an office. And a guest room. And someday, you’ll have a baby. You will need a nursery. Hopefully you guys can move back here if you have a baby.”
Oh.
My.
Gosh.
I mouth ‘Help’ to Miranda.
“You know, Jason and I will probably have kids before Kale and Juliet. Juliet is only nineteen. And they both have the whole YouTube thing going on,” Miranda says. “They don’t have time for kids.”
“You plan on having kids right away?” Mom asks, now looking excited.
“Maybe after a year or so,” Miranda says. “I just got my teaching job. I’d like to work at least a year before having to take off. Plus, I want to enjoy being married a bit first. Maybe after two or three years.”
“Oh,” Mom says, looking disappointed. She looks at me. “How long are you and Kale going to wait?”
“I don’t know,” I say, now feeling frustrated. “We haven’t talked about it. And I’d like to discuss it with my husband before I talk about it with you guys. And, like Miranda said, I’m nineteen. I’m still a teenager.”
“Fine,” Mom says, clearly disappointed.
“I’m okay with waiting,” Becky says. “Tony and I waited until we were thirty before having Kale. It was a good decision. We were ready then. Or as ready as you can be when it comes to having a child.”
“Thirty? Good Lord, woman. I want grandchildren before she’s thirty,” Mom says.
I clear my throat. “I think I’m just going to go outside with the guys.”
“Ugh... me, too,” Miranda says, following me out onto to
wards the back deck.
“Moms,” I say, rolling my eyes.
Miranda laughs. “At least we have willing babysitters when we actually do decide to have kids.”
I don’t respond.
“Oh, crap. Juliet, I’m sorry. I forgot for a minute there,” she says.
“It’s okay,” I say. “I want everybody to forget. It’s just hard to listen to them talk about a future that I don’t have.”
Before we walk out the door, Miranda stops and turns to me. “Juliet, whenever Jason and I decide to have kids, you should know that they will know all about you. I’ll show them your videos and make sure they know how amazing you are.”
“Thank you. That means a lot,” I say, then turn my head so she can’t see the tears. “I... ugh... I’m going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right out.”
I turn around and go into the small half bath. I hate how much I’ve been crying lately. No matter how strong I’m trying to be, dying is depressing.
As I dab under my eyes, I hear a knock on the door. The person doesn’t wait. They just walk in.
It’s Kale.
He shuts the door behind him, locking it, and then he wraps his arms around me.
“Are you okay?” he asks, holding me against his chest.
“No,” I say, crying even harder now. “Your mom and my mom keep talking about grandchildren. And even Miranda. I keep thinking about all the things I’m going to miss out on. They’re planning my future when I don’t have one. We’ll never have our first anniversary. Or our first child. Or our first anything past my stupid bucket list.”
“We should tell them,” Kale says.
“No. I can’t. Then they’ll be miserable too. I can’t do that to them. It’s good enough for Jason and Miranda to know right now,” I say. “I’ll tell them when I have to.”
He kisses the top of my head and rubs my back. “I support whatever you decide. I’ll be here always.”
The Bucket List Page 8