“Can we just not act like I’m a lost cause,” I say. “I literally can’t handle the silence anymore.”
Kale grabs my hand. “I’m not giving up on you. You know that.”
“It’s been a hard day,” Jason says.
“Why make it harder?” I ask. “I’ll just make a doctor appointment for Monday.”
“Because I need to know, or else I won’t be able to sleep tonight,” Dad says.
And I want to make things easier for him, but what if going makes it harder? What if the cancer really has come back? And that I’m really going to die this time?
I know that in June they gave me six months to live, but I’m still not ready. I want to live.
Kale puts an arm around me and pulls me closer to him. I know he feels the same way. He doesn’t want me to die either. None of my family does.
I should’ve known better than to get my hopes up. But how could I not? The doctor said I was cancer free.
One thing is for sure—it’s going to be a long night.
Terrified.
I have taken all kinds of tests, been stuck with so many needles that I don’t think there is a vein left on my body that hasn’t been poked. We’re currently waiting on results, but so far they haven’t found anything wrong.
“I told you guys it was probably just stress,” I tell my family. We’re not supposed to have more than two people in the room, but Jason told them our mom’s funeral was today and that we all wanted to be together, the nurse caved pretty quickly. She just told them to make sure to stay out of the way of the doctor.
Kale hasn’t left my side once. He’s been holding my hand every time they come to draw blood. He knows I hate needles. He’s also been reassuring me, but I think it’s more for him than it is for me.
“Better safe than sorry,” Miranda says.
It’s nearly midnight now and we still know nothing. They didn’t see any tumors on my scans, but they said that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. They don’t want me to get my hopes up, which is understandable.
“I’m just bored,” I say, trying not to scratch at my IV. “And I feel fine right now. Better than fine, actually.”
“At the very least, you’ll have some good content for your channel,” Jason says.
Jason and Kale have both been recording stuff for me. Which is lovely. I’m sure my viewers are going to love watching me almost cry when the nurse couldn’t find my vein earlier. I wish I was kidding. I also may have insisted on a new nurse after the third time. I haven’t seen that nurse since, so I think I scared her away.
The door opens up and I see my doctor coming in.
Finally.
I hate being at the hospital. Everything takes so long, and all I want to do is go home and go to bed.
“How are you feeling?” the doctor asks.
“Fine,” I say.
Same as last time.
I resist the urge to roll my eyes.
“Everything in your blood work and scans came back normal,” the doctor says. “Your cancer is still gone.”
I can see everybody in the room visibly relax.
“So, I just got sick because of stress, right?” I ask.
“Stress might have sent you over the edge, but it wasn’t the leading cause of you being sick,” he says.
“So, what?” I ask. “I have the stomach flu or something?”
“Are you sure you want me to answer in front of your family?” the doctor asks.
“Yeah,” I answer. “I mean, why wouldn’t I? Is it bad? Am I dying again?”
“No. You’re definitely not dying. You are pregnant. We’re not sure how far along you are, not without doing some tests,” the doctor says. “But that is why you got sick and why you’ve been feeling sick to your stomach for the past week.”
“Pregnant?” I ask, now sitting up straighter. “What does that mean for me? Because I have cancer. Or had cancer.”
“Well, you’ll be going to the doctor more often, but you can have a normal pregnancy, just like any other woman. You’re very healthy. Just keep doing whatever it is you’re doing and you’ll be fine.”
Fine.
Right.
“I’ll have the nurse come and get you ready to leave,” the doctor says. “Congratulations, Mrs. Johnson.”
The doctor walks out the door and it shuts with a loud click.
It’s then that I realize my family has stayed completely quiet, including Kale. I look over and see that they’re all looking at me.
“Ah, so I guess I’m going to be a mom,” I say to them.
They are all still just looking at me in stunned silence.
“Did you hear that?” I ask. “I’m not dying. I’m totally fine. And could’ve waited until Monday to go to the doctor. Now I’m going to be sleep deprived.”
“How are you having a baby?” Jason asks.
I laugh. “Jason, I got married. In Vegas. Almost four months ago now. Do I really need to tell you what happens on a honeymoon?”
“But weren’t you on birth control or something? You had cancer.”
“Birth control is... one, really bad for you. And two... taking it while you have cancer can make cancer worse,” I say. “So no, I’m not now, or ever, taking birth control.”
“There are other kinds of protection,” he says.
My face grows warm. “Jason, I am not having this conversation with you in front of everyone.”
But he’s right.
I should’ve always used protection.
And Kale and I have been safe.
Most of the time.
I mean, there were a couple of times when we were visiting in Idaho that we weren’t. And we both should have known better.
I’m too young. I’m nineteen. And my career is kind of just starting to take. I am a cancer survivor, and I’m not exactly sure, yet, what that means. But despite all that, in approximately nine months or so, I’m going to be giving birth. And I can’t bring myself to regret that.
I look over at Kale, who has yet to say a word. And he doesn’t look excited.
He looks terrified.
Wednesday, September 28
We’re gonna be okay.
Kale acted strange the rest of the weekend. And then, first thing on Monday morning, he insisted that I make an appointment with my cancer doctor. The earliest that I could get an appointment was Wednesday afternoon, so we flew back to LA on Tuesday night. It was sad leaving my family, especially my dad. But he was going to be staying with Jason and Miranda for a few weeks. So, that’s good. I can’t imagine he’d want to go back to the house alone just yet.
“Are you... upset that I’m pregnant?” I ask Kale, as we pull into the parking lot at my doctor’s office. We’re thirty minutes early because Kale was worried traffic would be bad.
“I’m just worried,” he says. “I just need to talk to your doctor. I want to make sure this is okay. I just found out that you’re okay and I’m worried that this will set you back.”
“Kale, it’s a baby. Not a setback,” I say, feeling hurt by his words.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I don’t mean to sound not excited. I just want to make sure that everything is going to be okay. I can’t allow myself to get excited until I know you are going to be okay.”
I nod, like I understand.
But I don’t.
“I love you, Juliet,” he says.
“I love you, too,” I say, letting out a sigh. “I guess we should go wait inside.”
He starts to say something, but then stops. He knows that he’s hurt my feelings, but what can he say? He can’t change how he feels. I just hope that after talking to my doctor he will feel better about... everything.
I sign in at the desk. The nurses here all know my name because I come so often. I have recently moved my appointments from every two weeks to every four weeks. But I’m early this time because Kale insisted.
I take a seat beside Kale, who is dead quiet. He’s not even on his phone.
He’s just sitting there, staring. And I hate that he’s like this right now.
Not wanting to sit in awkward silence, I pull out my own phone and scroll through my Instagram feed.
After sitting there for about twenty minutes, the nurse calls us back. I get up and walk back, Kale following behind me.
The nurse weighs me, and smiles.
“The doctor was worried you’d lose a lot of weight, but you’ve literally gained five pounds since you started coming,” she says.
“Is that good?” I ask.
“It’s great, actually,” she says.
I follow her into a room and take a seat.
“How are you feeling?”
“Good,” I answer.
“She’s thrown up every day since Saturday,” Kale tells the nurse.
The nurse looks at me. “The file says you’re cancer free.”
“I am,” I say. “I’m pregnant. It’s just morning sickness. I went to the hospital on Saturday and found out. I thought the cancer had come back.”
“Congratulations,” the nurse says, typing something into the computer. “The doctor will be right with you.”
She walks from the room, leaving me in here with Kale. I look over at him and see him twiddling his thumbs. He is watching his hands very intently.
I look at the time on my phone at least six times in the span of two minutes before the door opens up.
“Hello, Mrs. Johnson,” the doctor says, then nods at Kale, “Mr. Johnson.”
I smile at him, trying to be polite. But to be honest, this is the last place I want to be.
“So... I hear congratulations are in order,” he says.
“Ah, yes,” I say. “Apparently I have a bun in the oven. Or, at least, they seemed to think so when I went to the hospital in Idaho Falls.”
“I’m glad you went to the hospital,” the doctor says. “It’s always good to go when you feel sick. I’m also glad that the scans came back clean, as I knew they would.”
“Is it safe for her to be pregnant?” Kale asks.
“There are always risks,” the doctor says. “In every pregnancy. Along with seeing a gynecologist, I’d like to continue our appointments. But I am very confident that everything is going to be just fine.”
“Is this going to set her back?”
Apparently Kale is taking over my doctor appointment.
“No,” the doctor says. “The only way that this would negatively affect Juliet is if we needed to do chemo, but we don’t.”
“Really?” Kale asks, now sitting forward. “So, we really can have a baby, and Juliet will be healthy?”
“Yes,” he answers, then looks at me. “What about you? Do you have any concerns?”
“No, I’m good,” I say.
The doctor smiles. “Well, I would like to see you again in about four weeks. But other than that, I think you’re good. The scans they took at Idaho Falls are amazing. You’re a very healthy girl.”
That makes me smile. “Thank you, doctor.”
We say our goodbyes and the doctor walks out. I stand up to walk out, but notice Kale hasn’t gotten up yet. I look over at him and he’s crying.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“We’re having a baby,” he answers.
“Um, I know.”
“No, Juliet. You and me. We are going to have a baby,” he says, now standing up. “I know how badly you wanted a baby. And I want this, too. I want this so much. But I was so scared...”
“You don’t have to be scared,” I say. “The doctor said it’s fine.”
“You’re fine,” Kale says, then pulls me in for a hug. “I am so happy right now.”
His words make tears come to my eyes. “I am, too.”
“I already love our baby,” he says, as we pull back.
“I do, too.”
Kale and me... we’re gonna be okay.
Six Years Later...
Living.
It’s been over six years since the doctor told me that I had six months to live. Six years since my mom died. And six years since that night in the hospital in Idaho Falls, when I found out I was pregnant. And despite the expiration date, I am still alive. Still healthy. And very much happy.
A few months after I found out I was pregnant, Miranda got pregnant, too. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, and three months later, she gave birth to a healthy girl. Those two babies are now five years old, which completely blows my mind.
My dad ended up selling the house. I guess living there without my mom was too much. I was sad to see the house I grew up in go, but I understood. He moved into a smaller house closer to Jason and Miranda.
Jason and Miranda have had two more kids. Another girl, and recently, a boy.
I waited to have more kids because I wanted to hit the five year mark. Five years being cancer free. Once I hit that, I decided it was time.
“Your stomach is so big,” Miranda says, holding her sleeping baby boy.
“That’s because I’m a week overdue,” I say, rolling my eyes.
My baby girl is stubborn. I guess she is a lot like me in that way. But I would never tell Kale that. Nope, it’s definitely his fault I haven’t gone into labor.
Kale and I recently moved back to Idaho Falls. We bought a nice house here, close to Dad, Miranda, and Jason. It’s not the same without Mom. How could it be? But we are making it. We’re surviving, because that is what we do.
We still make videos. The primary focus, of course, is our son, Will. Everybody loves watching him. And everybody still loves the story of Kale and me. But most of all, everybody is super excited to meet our soon to be newest addition, Ava.
I’m pacing the living room, trying to make something happen. Anything. I even walked around the mall for a few hours yesterday, and still nothing. The front door opens and Kale smiles when he sees me.
He always smiles.
I swear he is just as in love with me today, as he was the day we got married in Vegas. And I am even more in love with him than I was then. I didn’t think it was possible, but it’s true.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
“Pregnant.”
It’s how I always answer.
“You’re beautiful when you’re pregnant,” he says.
“Well, enjoy it, because this is the last time you will ever see me pregnant,” I say.
I’m joking.
Well, sort of.
I told Kale that I want to have one more baby after this one. But for the past month, I’ve told him that I have changed my mind. Being pregnant is kind of miserable and I’m not sure I want to put myself through the torture again.
But, I’m sure I will want another baby. Because Ava doesn’t feel like my last one.
“She’s been completely cranky all day,” Miranda says.
“I have not,” I say.
But she’s kind of right. I am cranky. And hungry. And tired. And my back hurts. And I just want to give birth already.
“The doctor said you can get induced next week if you don’t go into labor,” Kale says.
But he doesn’t realize just how far next week is.
“I’m not sure we’re gonna have to wait until next week,” I say, as I feel something wet run down my leg. “Because I either just peed myself or my water just broke.”
Which sends Kale into a panic.
This is it.
We’re about to have another baby.
Six years ago, I had no hope. No future. Nothing more than six months and a bucket list. Now I have a husband, soon to be two kids, and an ever growing bucket list. Because now that I know I’m going to live, I plan on really living.
And it feels amazing.
The end.
But not really.
Letter from Scarlett
Hey! Thank you so much for reading The Bucket List! If you did enjoy this book, it would mean a lot to me if you left a review wherever you picked this up. I know this is different than what I usually write, but I LOVED writing
this book so much. I hope you loved it too.
For more information on this series, be sure to check out my blog https://scarletthaven.wordpress.com!
—Scarlett Haven
More books by Scarlett
Stand alone books:
The Bucket List: Famous Online
The Day My Life Began (Coming February 2018!)
Bayside Academy Series:
Gracie (Book 1)
Unraveling Gracie (Book 2)
Hating Gracie (Book 3—coming May 2018!!)
East Raven Academy Series:
Ever After (Book 1)
Never Ever (Book 2—coming April 2018!!)
The Spy Chronicles:
Finding Me (Book 1)
Keeping Me (Book 2)
Lossing Me (Book 3—coming soon!)
New Hope Academy Series:
Luck (Episode 1)
Fate (Episode 2)
Fame (Episode 3)
Wish (Episode 4)
This series is complete.
Find me online.
Blog: https://scarletthaven.wordpress.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Scarlett_Haven
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorScarlettHaven/
The Bucket List Page 14