“We all knew you were dealing with some anger issues after we discovered Axel was free. I thought you were focused and dealing with it better. What happened?”
“You know, Vincent. He made a comment. There’s been so much. I need to know what he can do. I need to know how. I can’t keep failing. I can’t fail again, not this mission, not now.” She shook her head. “I figured I would talk to him today. He would tell me or he wouldn’t, then I would tell you guys that I already tried any leads through him. I never thought…”
“So, last night, you were just pretending everything was okay?” He sounded hurt.
“Like you don’t do the same,” she snarled. “Like you don’t just keep focused on the case like nothing else is wrong. Like you don’t hide it all.”
He had no response to that. She knew he wouldn’t. They were both hiding all of it, thinking of everything else. As long as the case was moving, they were fine. But the case wasn’t moving anymore, and after twenty-four hours, she knew they were both itchy and angry. She knew that since the rest of the team was fine, they had nothing to worry about for a second. At least the team having problems kept their minds off Axel and how they had to get him.
“We can’t do this, you and I,” he finally said, a heavy sigh at the end. “So we’re going to have a talk. Just me and you.”
“We’ve had a few of those,” she reminded him.
“Not since the funeral,” he fired back. “And everything else we’ve talked about has been the case. So we’re going to talk now. About this. You told me that day to take it one step at a time and that day, it mattered.”
“And we’ve been doing that. I don’t see how that matters now.”
“I’m just saying, we had that discussion then. You taught me some good lessons about grief that day. You then forced me to step back and process things better. It wasn’t easy. None of this is easy. Now we’re going to have another talk, and hopefully we’ll both feel better for it.”
She nodded. Fine, she would talk to him.
“First, you want to defeat Axel for every reason I do. It’s our past, and it keeps coming back. He’s done terrible things to us, terrible things to people we care about. He’ll never stop. We both know that. The entire team knows that. It’s why they’re seeing this through to the end.” Vincent glanced at her for a split second before refocusing on the road. “But I think we both need to let go of the rage.”
“For what?” she demanded. “What else could I feel when it comes to him? And when you figure out how to get over it, let me know.”
“I think we need to remain as impartial as we can. I think it’s the only thing that’s going to keep us from doing things that could ruin us. Like today, Sawyer. We just got done telling Quinn that he can’t go too far. That we can’t become monsters-”
“I’m already a monster!” she roared, slamming a fist into the door. “I’m already one. No, I would never let Quinn become one. Or Jasper, Zander, and Elijah. None of them. Not even you. But I’m already one. I do this.”
“And it eats you alive every time you say it!” he snapped. “Every time you say it, you are angry, and guilty for it. You are not a monster, Sawyer Cambrie Matthews. You are a viciously protective woman who is willing to do anything to protect the people you love, and yes, that is admirable. It’s something I love about you, but this…Sawyer, beating Naseem is going to make you a monster. A man who is already doing his time, caught and defeated. He hasn’t put up any fight since you captured him, since you stopped him from killing Thompson. He knows his fate. Beating him is going to make you the monster, Sawyer, and for what? The ability to do what the Triad could? That’s not a skill to protect. That’s a skill to kill.”
“Kill the other guy first,” she mumbled.
“No.”
“Vin-”
“No, Sawyer. I’m not letting you go that far. Not anymore. You…you’ve been taught better. You told me not to let Axel destroy me, and we’ve come close a couple of times. Trying to rush into the third raid without Zander, pushing as hard as we have. But our team cares, and they keep pulling us all back. Because Axel doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve to win by letting us fall apart on our own.”
Tears filled her eyes as she leaned over to put her head down nearly to her knees. She hated how her words were thrown back at her. She hated she could give the lesson but not follow it.
“He doesn’t deserve you doing this to yourself anymore. We’re going to do this as a team. You aren’t alone anymore. Stop trying to be the solo fighter. Stop trying to think you can take everything on yourself. You don’t deserve to carry all this weight anymore. It’s breaking you too. This is the team’s job, with you as a member of the team. You don’t need to keep hurting yourself anymore. We’re strong enough to carry this with you.”
“I’m sorry.” She had nothing else to say. She knew he was right. Everything, this team, how much she loved them. That made her want to keep them forever, not just together as their team but with her. Her hate for Axel, her terror of him coming back and hurting them…that drove her to work alone, to take it all on herself. “I love you. I’m so sorry.”
“Let’s get home and just take the day to ourselves,” he whispered gently.
She reached out to his dash and turned the music on. Italian opera, his favorite. As she listened to it, she realized he’d done the right thing before the mission to deal with the Druid. Now, when she heard those beautiful words, she thought of Vincent. She thought of them when they went to the Met right before getting pulled down to the Amazon. She thought of countless times they laughed over something or just danced privately in his office. Private moments. Vincent and she were much more private about their love than the other guys tended to be.
“I always did really like this song,” she said, turning it up a little more.
“It’s a lovely piece,” he agreed. “You can change it-”
“No, this is our song,” she explained. “You told me not to let him take everything I love from me, not even the smallest parts. This is ours now.”
“And so is this case. It’s ours.”
She leaned back from the dash, stopping her distraction of fiddling with the volume. “Yeah, it’s ours,” she agreed. “Me and you. The team. This is ours.”
She didn’t say the exact words, but it was a promise to let the team help her carry the load.
He pulled them into the garage when they made it back home. She had figured the rest of the team would have followed, but she didn’t see them. When she inquired with Vincent about it, he smiled.
“I asked them to keep…investigating at the prison for another couple of hours before coming home. I wanted to make sure you and I had some time together.”
“Oh…” she grabbed his hand. “And what are we going to do?”
“Honestly? I think it’s been too long since I’ve touched you.” He pulled her closer. “And I think we need to find that closeness again. We’ve been too distant. I’ll admit, it’s mostly my fault. I would have seen today coming if I wasn’t so…concerned about how you and I can be, how we have been on this case. I thought distance would make sure the team could deal with us better.”
“You would be with a woman who did what I just did?” She let him pull her into the house.
His response to her question? Laughter. “If I was going to not be with you, it should have been the first time, when I learned about everything else. Sorry, but I’m much too deep in this to let something like that stop me.” He yanked her closer as they passed the kitchen, kissing her hard. “I love you. And we all make mistakes. I’ve made plenty, and yet you’re still with me, knowing who I am. Knowing I’m just another Castello.”
He slipped into Italian at some point and she continued in it, knowing the language was his first. He slipped into it when he was emotional and vulnerable. “You are so much more than just another Castello,” she whispered, touching his face. “You always have faith in me. Even today. I’m going to let
all of them yell at me later. I’m going to beg their forgiveness, but you…You just took me out of there and talked to me.”
“Well, we all have our own ways of dealing with things. I knew the moment it was happening what had caused it. I knew, Sawyer, and I pulled you out because I should have seen it coming. They’ll understand. They’re not going to yell at you when they get back, I promise.”
She trusted him, but teasingly, she still asked. “Oh? Why are you so sure of that?”
“Because they love you and they know you’ve been under an immense amount of stress. Zander will heal Naseem, then tell him to get over it. Jasper and Elijah will clear things up with the prison. Quinn will play muscle so no one questions it. They’re allowed to be mad at you. I’m allowed, but we’re not going to let anyone else do what only we should.”
“Thank you,” she murmured, kissing him again.
“Come with me. Let’s have the rest of the day to ourselves.”
“It’s been too long since I’ve touched you,” she said, referring back to what he had said. And further back to something weighing on her mind. They hadn’t touched, loved, since before James’ death. Since before this endless night had dropped on top of them when Naseem showed up at their home to kill her.
Together, they walked to her new room, kissing. She undid his shirt, messed up his hair, and unbuckled the belt of his slacks with a smile.
He chuckled as he pulled her hair out of its ponytail. “Slow down,” he ordered. She wanted to scoff at him. “Let me enjoy this. It’s been awhile.”
With a teasing sigh, she pulled her hands off him.
He kissed her neck, wrapping an arm around her waist, holding her close to his body. “I love you,” he repeated. “Through all of this. I’m sorry I haven’t been saying it enough. I’m sorry I’ve tried to keep my distance through this.”
Her playful mood melted away as she listened to him. “I’m sorry for hiding my problems.”
“Come here,” he crooned, kissing her lips again. “We’ll make it through this. All of us.”
Hearing him say it with so much conviction, she really believed it.
Slowly, he undressed her. Her coat fell first. She kicked off her boots as he undid her jeans. She untucked his shirts while he slid his hands under hers, touching her skin softly.
The shirts were discarded. Then everything else was. He kissed her all the way to the bed. Vincent had a unique way of making her feel beautiful with every touch. She knew he would always be this way, savoring and enjoying. It was purely him, how he enjoyed the world around him.
She climbed onto her new bed first. He followed, rolling her over onto her back as she reached the pillows. She knew he liked having her in the middle of the bed and in the position she was; she was sure it was a view. He was on his knees between her legs, gazing at her like there was nothing more wonderful, nothing more beautiful.
When he leaned down, he kissed her, their bodies sliding against each other like they were meant to be there, tangled up in sheets together.
There wasn’t much more foreplay needed. Every kiss he gave her, every graze of his fingertips had gotten her ready. He slid in, making her gasp as a groan escaped from his throat.
“I love you,” he murmured again, letting them sit there for a moment. “Through all of it, do you understand me?”
“I love you too,” she promised back, meaning every word.
“I promised you I would do anything. Loving you is the most important thing.”
Another kiss rocked her to her core as he began to thrust, excruciatingly slow. Her body sang with pleasure as she found that physical piece of Vincent she had been missing. This, the slow, steady way he was with her. The way he was able to turn the rest of the world off. The way they found solace together.
She loved all of them, every little piece of them, for hundreds of different reasons, and this was what Vincent gave her.
It was a quiet event full of emotions. A homecoming that she had needed deep in her soul. Together. They would do this together. Together, they would face the world, full of its miracles, its unknowns, and even its horrors.
Together, they would heal.
When her orgasm rolled through her, it took him with her. They clung to each other, peaceful.
“We can’t stay here all day,” he said quietly, running a hand over her ribs. “But I think we can until they all get home.”
“We could stay here after that, too,” she reminded him. “We both know they won’t mind if we take the afternoon off too.” They shouldn’t, but she was willing to indulge the fantasy of it.
“Hm, they’ll all want to join now. Thanks to you. I blame you for that.” He kissed her so she couldn’t make a response to his teasing comment. When he pulled away, he put a finger over her lips. “No, I’m not going to ever share this bed when I’m in it. So if you have any fantasies about that, I’m not interested.”
She pushed his hand away, smiling. “I wasn’t going to ask. I know better than to ask for that. You’re a private man, Vincent. You all give me so much love in your own ways. There’s no reason for you to be overtly loud and passionate like Zander or free with it like Elijah and Quinn. You give me a quietness and a peace while they make their goals to give me anything but. I’m not going to ask you to do anything but be you for me.”
“You’ll never leave any of us, right?” he asked, kissing her cheek and down her jawline. Then he moved to her neck. “This isn’t normal, but it’s ours.”
“It’s ours,” she repeated. “It’s our family.”
She should have trusted them to help shoulder her weight earlier, knowing they could take it. Because they weren’t just lovers and a team. They were her family, like Charlie and Liam.
So she made a new goal.
She was going to make it through this case, bury Axel and her past, and she was going to have all of them with her at the end. She refused to imagine a life without them. She refused to sacrifice her love for them and theirs for her in pursuit of Axel.
“He doesn’t deserve it,” she said quietly.
“No, he doesn’t,” Vincent agreed.
25
Sawyer
“Look at these love birds. I think this is the best sleep they’ve gotten since Georgia.”
Sawyer groaned, looking up from her pillow to find Zander standing at the end of the bed, grinning. Elijah was next to him.
They looked like they were up to trouble today.
“Well, the little lady is now awake. How was your nap?” The cowboy wiggled his eyebrows in that dumb suggestive way that made her want to laugh. “We got home and you two were out, so we decided you needed the rest. We’ve been doing the work, no worries.”
“You could have gotten us,” she told him, sitting up slowly.
“I’m going to say no,” Zander replied, chuckling. “I mean, we’ve woken you up, but Vincent is still out. That says something. That man doesn’t sleep very deeply, but he’s unconscious still. It’s good. You’ve both needed a rest.”
At that, she looked at the body next to her. His face buried into one of her pillows, one of his arms thrown casually over her waist. It was a sight. She ran her fingers through his hair, knowing that might wake him up.
Sure enough, she was right.
“What?” he asked, a mumbling groan of a man half asleep.
“We’ve apparently fallen down for a nap. What time is it, guys?”
“Dinner. Raid in Turkey begins soon.” Elijah leaned down and hit Vincent’s foot, causing the Italian to kick out. “Come on, fearless leaders.”
“Get out so I can put my clothes on,” Vincent retorted.
“We’ve all seen Sawyer naked. What’s you to add to it?” Zander was now snickering. She waved them away, shooing. “Fine!”
“We’ll be down soon,” she promised. She watched the two troublemakers leave then went back under her covers, pushing against Vincent’s warm body. “You were right.”
“I know,” h
e mumbled.
“They didn’t yell at me.”
“I know,” he repeated. “You think I don’t know them just as well as I know you?” His dark, olive-green eyes opened.
“I think you know me in a very different way.” They both smiled. He pulled her closer with the arm he had over her. As he began to kiss her neck again, she tried to push him away, but half-heartedly. “We need to get up.”
“They would have given us enough time to do this,” he murmured.
“Oh, I know, but I bet those two are outside the door, waiting to burst in and give us a hard time.” She knew they were. She could feel them there. They hadn’t gone far, literally standing on the other side of the door. Probably silently snickering to each other.
He lifted his head and narrowed his eyes on the door.
“How did you know?” Zander called inside. “Damn! Ruining all our fun!”
“There,” he said, turning back to her. “None of that anymore.”
“Oh no. We’re getting up. We’ve slept the day away,” she reminded him. “Come on. They’ve been working all day. I have a feeling they’ve set everything on fire.”
Vincent groaned in exasperation. “Why do we never get a good morning after?”
“Considering it’s evening, that might be why.” She pulled away and slid out of the bed, feeling lighter than she had early in the morning. Something about breaking and letting Vincent pull her back together made her feel better. “And you know, I’m ready to see this case through.”
“Really?” he asked, following her every move with his eyes as she began to walk around her bedroom, finding clean clothes to take to her bathroom.
“I’m ready to see what’s after it,” she explained, smiling. “He has my past. He doesn’t deserve my future.”
Vincent’s answering expression was like a breath of fresh air. It was beautiful and full of emotion as he left her bed. She didn’t move as he came closer and kissed her deeply.
“Can I shower with you?” he asked, pulling back for a moment. “I don’t want to see what Elijah has done to our bathroom.”
The Redemption Saga Box Set Page 157