by Bella Jewel
"I have plenty of friends, and I don't need some bratty do-gooder judging me. What would you know about my life, anyway? You don't know anything about me, and you've never tried."
"Like you'd let me," I snap. "You wouldn't even give me a chance."
"Whatever. I don't even care. You are worth nothing to me anymore. Your family is gone, and you need to move on."
"Wow," I whisper, shaking my head. "How is it the good people of the world die, but you get to walk around doing what you do. Go to hell, Sissy."
I take the journal and get out of the car. Sissy speeds off, not looking back. The moment she's gone, I cover my forehead with my hand, realizing just how hot the sun is. God, I didn't think that we're on a significant stretch of road, and the walk is going to be quite intense. Oh well, I need to clear my head anyway. A walk won't hurt.
I set out on my way, and for a while, I feel okay. I mean sure, it's super-hot, but I'm so distracted by my thoughts and the cars whizzing by that I don't notice my body is trying to tell me to stop. When sweat trickles down my brow, I realize I probably need to take a break, and I'm super thirsty. I probably shouldn't even be walking in the sun, you know, with Rupert and all.
I sit down and glance at my phone, figuring I'll call Alarick, but I have no service.
How the hell do I have no service?
I wonder how far the club is from here. Driving, it's not that far, but walking is a whole different story.
My head starts to hurt and my throat is dry. I'm desperate for a drink.
Walking wasn't a good idea.
There is no immediate shade, so I decide to keep walking.
The quicker I can get back to the club, the faster I can get a drink and get out of this heat. Stopping is only going to make it all so much worse.
I walk more, and with every passing step, my head starts to pound. I rub my temples and keep moving, step by step, but I'm starting to feel unwell. The blistering sun is coming down over me, and I'm not sure I'm okay.
I find a tiny, slightly shaded tree and sit beside it. The worst part? Cars go past, and not one person asks if I'm okay. Look, I get it, I've listened to podcasts too, there are a lot of killers out there but come on. Surely one person is willing to take the risk to see if I'm okay. I'd seriously consider a ride right now.
I try to take a few deep breaths to calm my headache and recheck my phone, but there is still scattered service. I get a bit, but as soon as I try to make a call, it disappears. I take a deep breath, and then another, and try to get control of the situation. My head feels like it's going to explode. I moan in pain and grip the sides of my skull, begging for it just to stop.
The sound of a motorcycle rumbling has me very carefully lifting my head. I stare, praying that the motorcycle is someone from the club. As it nears, I see it's Alarick and Cohen. When they see me, they immediately come to a stop. Alarick jumps off his bike and is on his knees in front of me in a matter of seconds. He grabs my face in both his hands. "What the fuck, where is fuckin' Sissy?"
"We got into a fight, and I asked her to let me out. I didn't realize it was so hot and so far to walk. I had no service and..." I trail off, wincing and gripping my head.
"You're in pain," Alarick says, carefully helping me to my feet. "What do I need to do?"
"Take me to the hospital," I whisper. "It hurts."
He moves quickly, walking me over to Cohen and saying, "Go and get the truck, bring it back. Hurry."
Cohen nods and disappears, speeding down the road on the bike. Alarick pulls some water from a side panier in his motorcycle and hands it to me. "Sip this slowly."
I do as he asks, wanting to skull the entire bottle, but knowing full well that's not going to help me. I sip it, and the pain in my head gets progressively worse until I'm whining and tears are rolling down my cheeks.
"Hey, it's okay," Alarick says, "we're going to have you to the hospital in no time."
Cohen arrives only minutes later, and Alarick helps me into the truck before ordering Cohen to get to the hospital. Looking confused, Cohen puts his foot on the gas and gets us to the hospital within five minutes. We arrive, and Alarick lifts me into his arms and walks me straight into the ER. A nurse comes rushing over. "What's going on?"
"She has a brain tumor, she's due for surgery in a week, but her head is killing her."
"Bring her right through. What's your name, sweetheart?"
I tell her my name, my doctor's name, and the date of my surgery. She nods and tells me she's going to make some calls but has another nurse immediately connect me to a drip to hydrate me. Alarick sits by my side, Cohen paces up and down the hall, stopping only once to look at me. "You're sick?"
"I'll be okay," I whisper.
"Fuck."
He eventually finds a seat and sits down, but Alarick doesn't move from my side. His hand stays curled around my fingers, his face stony, but I know he's only looking like that because he's scared. I'm scared. The pain in my head, even now they've given me morphine through the drip, is still so strong I'm struggling just to lay still. I want to move in an attempt to alleviate the pain.
"We've contacted your doctor, and he has advised that you need the surgery now. He'd prefer not to transfer you, as he doesn't want to risk leaving it a moment longer. He's going to be here in a few hours. He'll do the surgery here. I can assure you our facilities are just as good, and we will take great care of you. So please don't be scared."
I'm scared, but it's not because of the hospital. It's because I'm about to get my brain operated on, and I'm not sure I'm ready.
I look to Alarick. "I don't think I can do this."
Panic fills my voice, and I start to cry. Alarick leans down, taking my face in his hands. "You're the strongest woman I know, Briella. You're going to get through this. I promise you. You're going to be okay."
"I'm not ready. What if that's all the time we had? What if something goes wrong?"
"Then it'll be the best fuckin' time on earth, do you hear me?"
I clench my eyes shut, and the nurse takes my hand. "We have some incredible doctors here that will be assisting, I promise you you're in the best hands. I'll give you something to help calm you down and keep you comfortable. Is that okay?"
I nod, and she goes over a checklist with me before going to get the doctor's approval. Then she administers something into my drip, which immediately makes me feel a lot calmer, almost sleepy, warm even. I don't mind; it helps because the way I'm feeling right now cannot be described. It's the kind of panic that grips onto your soul and makes you want to lose your mind so that you don't have to think about it anymore.
I don't like it, not at all.
"I'm goin' to go and get some stuff so that I can stay here as long as you need me. I'll pay whatever it takes for you to have the best room, the best care, and nobody is takin' me from your side. Do you hear me?"
I nod, feeling that panic rising again.
"There's something else," I say, grabbing his hand.
"What is it? What do you need?"
"They're going to shave some of my head."
He stares at me and then grins. "Well, you know I always did like a bad girl. I think you'll rock the half-shaved look."
My bottom lip trembles, and he grabs my chin, leaning down close. "You could have no fuckin' hair, and I'd think you were the most beautiful girl in this universe. Do you hear me?"
I nod, swallowing.
"But they're going to do it all messy...it'll look so bad..."
"Nothin’ could make you look bad," Alarick says, kissing my lips. "Everything is going to be okay. You fuckin’ hear me?”
He stays with me until I calm down again, and then he goes to get a heap of things we're both going to need. My stay here could be quite extended, depending on how the operation goes, or if it goes well, it'll be shorter. It could still be over a week.
I lean back into the pillow, close my eyes, and do something I haven't done for quite some time.
I pray.
21
NOW – BRIELLA
"Hey," Karen smiles, walking into the room I'm now set up in.
Alarick told them he'd be paying for the best of the best, and no cost would bother him, so I got put into a lovely room on my own. It's still a hospital room, of course, but it has a private shower, toilet, television and a spare bed for Alarick to sleep on when he wants to stay the night. It also has big comfy chairs by the small window.
It's nice, and it makes me feel safe.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, sitting up, my head aching.
"Well, your handsome guy told me that you're freaking out about them shaving your head, which I get, so he asked me to help. It just so happens," she leans down into her bag and pulls out some scissors and clippers, "that I did a hairdressing course once. I never decided to make a career out of it, but I can do a heaps better job than they can."
I swallow the tight lump in my throat, completely humbled by her kindness.
"Besides, I think you're going to look sexy with this style. I've seen girls with faces like yours rock it. It's the new thing, you know?"
I laugh softly. "If you say so."
"I promise this is going to look amazing. I asked the good nurse out there which side they're operating on, and I even got permission from your doctor to shave for you. So, are you ready for this?"
I climb out of bed slowly, and then walk over and stare at myself in the small round mirror hanging on the wall. I don't know if I'm ready, but I know I also have no choice. I run my fingers through my thick locks. I know it'll grow back quickly, I know that, but it doesn't make this any easier. Karen slides a comfy chair over, and I exhale, taking one last look before sitting on it.
"They've told me how far over I need to go, and luckily for you, it's not so bad. The doctors would have just shaved a patch, but nobody and I mean nobody, is leaving my girl with a patch of shaved hair on her head."
I laugh and fight back the tears. "Thank you," I whisper. "For doing this. It means so much."
"Honey, it's no trouble at all. It's the least I can do."
Karen prepares what she needs and then divides my hair neatly, where she will need to shave it. Then she takes the scissors and looks down at me. "You ready, honey?"
"I'm ready. Do it."
She cuts chunks from the side of my hair that has to go until it's as close to my scalp as she can get it, then she gets to work on trimming it all down with the clippers. She busies herself for a while, trimming and chopping. After about half an hour, she walks around in front of me, positioning the other side of my long hair over my shoulder, trimming up my fringe, and then saying, "Damn girl, you rock it."
I stand, shaking off some hair, and walk over to the mirror. I'm expecting to see some horrible looking person staring back at me, but she's right, it's kind of funky. The way she is has done it is so stylish, and I feel like I could actually get used to it. Karen has made it so my long hair comes over my forehead and then sweeps off to the side, so it looks lush and sexy. I look like someone from a magazine.
"Wow," I breathe.
"Of course, you're going to have a scar, and it'll look red and sore when you get your surgery, but I'm pretty confident we nailed it," she claps her hands.
"Fuckin' damn..."
I turn to see Alarick walking into the room, followed by Mykel, Kendric, and Sissy. His eyes are on me, and they're lusty in a way that makes my knees tremble. He walks over, taking my face in his hands and studying me. "You look fuckin' hot."
"You like it?" I whisper.
"Baby, I love it."
I smile and look over at Mykel and Kendric. Mykel walks over, grabbing me and pulling me into his arms. "You're fuckin' not going anywhere, girly. Do you hear me?"
"I'll try."
He pulls back and looks down at me. "Come out of this, okay. I need you to do that."
I smile up at him. "I promise I'll try."
Kendric walks over and gives me a grin, saying, "Alarick is right, you're rockin' it honey. He better watch out of we'll take you."
I laugh and shove his shoulder.
"Hey," Sissy says, her voice timid and low.
"Hey," I mutter.
I'm pissed at her. I can't lie. She is so backward and forwards, left and right, up and down...I'm sick of it. I'm sick of trying. Sick of being kind to her. Sick of everything to do with her.
"Look, I shouldn't have let you get out of that car earlier. I didn't realize you were...sick."
"It doesn't matter," I say.
"It was the wrong thing to do."
I know Alarick would have torn her apart, which is the only reason she's saying sorry to me now, either way, I don't have time to focus on petty anger. This could be the last moments I have with any of them. My surgery is scheduled tomorrow morning, and I'm terrified.
"If you all don't mind, I'd like to spend the last few hours with Alarick," I say to them all, walking over to Karen and giving her a tight hug.
She squeezes me back. "Of course. I'm going to be waiting for the news. Be strong, honey."
I hug Mykel again. This time he hangs on a little longer. Then, I embrace Kendric. After that I stop in front of Sissy. "I know we don't see eye to eye, but one day, Sissy, I hope we can just get past this and be friends."
She nods, then in a soft voice, she says, "Good luck."
Then they're all gone.
I look to Alarick, and he walks over, leaning down to kiss me. "We're goin' to beat this, beautiful. Promise you."
I hope he's right.
God, do I hope he's right.
"IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY," Alarick says, hanging onto my hand as the nurses wheel me to the operating room.
They've already given me drugs to make me sleepy, and I'm thankful because I was freaking the hell out. I panicked and wouldn't get on the bed, and was clinging to Alarick for dear life, crying, terrified I'd never see him again. Finally, he calmed me down, and they gave me something to help.
Now, I'm on my way into the OR.
I'll either come out of this okay, or I won't.
I have no idea which one is which. My doctor has been by, gone over the surgery with me moment by moment. I've signed forms, I've had blood tests, he's told me he's confident I'll be totally fine.
But, it's my brain, you know?
It's my brain that's about to be cut open, not only that, but I don't even know if I'm going to have some sort of cancer, or they might find something else.
I'm usually the toughest person in the world, but right now, without my mom or my sister, I feel so incredibly alone.
I don't want to die with so many unanswered questions.
"It's time for us to take her now.”
The nurse smiles at Alarick, and he turns to me.
He smiles, and I try to implant it into my brain, just in case I come out of this not knowing who he is, or worse.
"I love you, Briella. Should have told you that a million times over, but I didn't. It's the truth, and I need you to remember it. I love you."
"I love you, too, Flick."
He leans down and kisses me, soft and gentle, probably the sweetest kiss he's ever given me.
Then I'm being wheeled away from him. A tear rolls down my cheeks, and I close my eyes, trying to stay calm.
Before I know it, we're in the operating room, and they're giving me the medicine that'll put me to sleep.
Thank god.
Thank the sweet lord.
I just need this to be over.
MY EYELIDS FLUTTER open, and for a moment, I'm convinced I'm just waking up from a big nap. It takes me more than a minute to remember where I am, and it's only the nurse continually speaking to me, over and over, that has me coming to a little more.
"Hi, can you hear me?"
I blink a few times and stare at her. She's looking down at me with a smile on her face. Am I in heaven, is that what this is?
"Hi sweetheart, how are you feeling?"
"I...I'm not sure," I croa
k.
"The surgery went well, and you're in recovery."
Wait.
I'm in recovery.
It went well?
If I had the energy to cry, I would, but I feel utterly exhausted. Like I want to go back to sleep and maybe stay that way for a solid few days.
"Alarick?" I croak.
"Here."
I turn my head to the side to see Alarick, fully dressed in scrubs, looking down at me with an expression I'll take to my grave. It's one of pure love and happiness and complete joy. "You did it, baby. You made it through."
"I did it," I croak. "I'm here?"
"You're here."
"I'm okay?"
"You're more than okay. You’re a fuckin’ champion."
The nurse smiles. "I'm just going to run a few tests, check her blood pressure. I won't be too long."
She straps on a blood pressure cuff, and then she takes my temperature, a few other little observations, and then she offers me some water in a cup with a straw. "Sip this very lightly, you're exhausted, and you're probably going to be in and out of consciousness for a few hours yet, but don't be alarmed. It's just the medicine we'll be giving you to keep your brain happy and comfortable. It was a big surgery, and we don't want to risk over-stimulating you. You need to rest."
I nod and close my eyes, feeling Alarick's hand in mine.
"Don't leave, Flick," I whisper.
"Won't leave. Here until you wake up again. Go to sleep. Everything is okay now."
Finally.
I drift back off into the darkness, feeling so light I could almost fly.
It could be the drugs.
Or it could be relief.
Either way, I'm totally fine with it.
I WAKE AGAIN, ONLY this time I'm back in my room.
I have no idea how much I'm sleeping in between waking up and passing out again, but by the looks of it, it's dark outside. The operation was this morning, and I have no idea how long that took, so my guess is I've been sleeping most of the day. I don't mind, though, because it feels like I still need so much more.