by Gareth Jones
“Now, let’s return to the question of this fellow who can turn metal into gold,” said Captain Clockheart. “What say you, Mainspring? Do you like my plan?” “Click, we have nothing to lose,” he replied. “Then we’re all agreed,” cried Captain Clockheart. “We’re off to Snake Island in search of gold!”
CHAPTER 5
A short chapter in which we find the Iron Duke and Admiral Fussington adrift on a distinctly overcrowded rowing boat.
The rowing boat was so crammed full of sailors that it was floating worryingly low in the water. The two sailors attempting to row the boat were making painfully slow progress. On top of the pile of groaning, moaning sailors sat the Iron Duke, holding a telescope to his eye.
“Admiral Fussington,” he bellowed. “Yes, sir. Down here, sir,” came the admiral’s muffled voice from somewhere near the rudder. “How many is this rowing boat designed to carry?” “Eight, sir.” “And how many have we in this one?” “Fifty-seven, sir.” “Fifty-seven? That is no good. No good at all,” exclaimed the duke. “This boat is moving slower than an elderly sea snail with a limp. We need to get to the harbour now!” “Yes, sir, but all the other boats were damaged by the cannon fire.” “When circumstances require it, it is important to think outside the box or, as in this situation, outside the boat.”
The duke glanced down at a young sailor, who was clinging on to another’s belt to avoid falling into the water. “You, boy. Can you swim?” “Why yes, sir,” replied the sailor. “Although I—”
The duke cut him off with a sharp kick, sending the sailor overboard. “Excellent,” he said. “Any other swimmers on board?” The silence that greeted the duke was broken only by the sound of waves lapping against the side of the boat. “Hmm, this is no good. We need to ditch the heaviest sailors.” Ignoring the fact that he was the largest person on the boat, the duke pointed to a rotund sailor. “You, sailor. You’re too fat. Get off.” “But sir, I’m the navigator,” replied the man. “Then you’ll be able to find your way home, won’t you? Off you pop.” “Aye aye, sir.” The navigator stood up and saluted, making the boat rock dangerously,
then began his farewell speech. “Tis a far better thing that I do now than—” “Oh, get on with it,” interrupted the duke. “Yes, sir.” The large sailor jumped off, sending three more sailors splashing into the ocean with him. “Much better,” proclaimed the duke. “I think another twenty or so and we’ll be able to make some real progress.”
CHAPTER 6
In which our heroes meet the scientist Chas Goldman and discover how he dries his underpants.
Very little was known about the explorer who discovered the cluster of landmasses known as the Too Many Islands, except that he named them according to their shape. As the Leaky Battery approached, Blower the lookout spotted the island and yelled,
“Yo ho, down below! Snake Island.” “Click, it’s a shallow bay,” said First Mate Mainspring. “Tick, weigh the anchor. Tock, prepare the rowing boat.” As the anchor was lowered into the water, Captain Clockheart addressed his officers. “Quartermaster Lexi and Mr Gadge, you’ll come ashore with me. First Mate Mainspring, as usual the ship will be in your command while we’re on the island.” “Click, aye aye, Captain.” First Mate Mainspring saluted. “As for you, Pendle lad.” Captain Clockheart bent down and spoke quietly in her ear. “I need you to stay here and keep things ticking along.” “Isn’t that what Mainspring’s for, sir?” asked Pendle.
“So it is. But whenever our first mate gets wound up, he has ideas above his station. Mutiny is an ugly word. I need you to keep him running, but keep him running slow, if you catch my drift. Don’t give that key of his too many turns, you understand me?” “Yes, sir.” “Good lad.” Captain Clockheart slapped Pendle on the back then climbed into the rowing boat. Gadge and Lexi joined him and the boat was lowered into the water. Twitter landed on the captain’s shoulder as Gadge began to row towards the island. “I really don’t know why you trust Mainspring at all,” said Lexi. “Piracy’s not about trust,” replied Captain Clockheart. “It’s about greed and
ruthlessness and, in those qualities, First Mate Mainspring excels.” When the boat hit the beach, Gadge shot a grappling hook around a palm tree and reeled in the boat to dry land. The only sign that the island was home to anything other than buzzing insects and brightly coloured birds was a path that wound up the hill to a tower overlooking the bay. The three pirates made their way up the path, past spiky plants and tropical trees that swayed in the warm sea breeze.
When they reached the top, they gazed up at the stone turret. “It looks like an abandoned military post,” said Lexi. “Not so abandoned now,” said Captain Clockheart. “Look.” At the top of the turret, four wooden beams were rotating. They rumbled and clicked as they went round. “What on earth is that?” asked Gadge. The reply came from an odd-looking man who appeared at an upstairs window. He had messy purple hair and a green beard. “What’s it gotta do with you?” he shouted. He had a voice like a bee trapped in a jam jar. “Are you Chas Goldman?” asked Captain Clockheart. “It depends. Who wants to know?”
The man put on a pair of round-rimmed spectacles. “Hey, what’s that armour you’re wearing?” “It’s not armour. This is our skin,” said Gadge. “You’ve got metal skin?” “That is correct,” said Lexi. “We are steam-powered, self-governing automatons created by the celebrated inventor, Mr Swift.” “Steampunk Pirates!” squawked Twitter. “Steampunk Pirates?” repeated the man. “Stay there.” He disappeared and, after a lot of rattling, the huge door creaked open. The peculiar man wore bright robes down to his ankles. “Steampunk Pirates!” he said excitedly. “How neat is that? I dabble in a little steam engineering myself.”
“So we see,” said Gadge, looking up at the spinning blades. “Oh … that,” said Goldman. “That’s for drying my clothes. I can’t quite get it to spin at the right speed though. The last time I tested it, my underpants ended up on one of the neighbouring islands. It’s nowhere as impressive as you guys.” He pressed his palm
against Gadge’s stomach. “Hey, you’re hot.” “You want to watch who you’re prodding,” said Gadge, flicking out a razor-sharp blade. “Sorry, no offence meant. What can I do for you, Steampunk Pirates?” said Goldman. “Alchemy,” Captain Clockheart whispered. “We’ve heard that you’ve discovered the secret of turning ordinary metal into gold.” “Well, yeah, sure,” said Goldman. “I can goldify just about anything.” “What is this word?” asked Lexi. “That’s what I call it, goldifying. That’s my own word, too. Any two-bit author who wants to use it in the future will have to pay me.”
“If you can turn metal into gold,” said Lexi, “it’s interesting that you live in such a remote spot. Every king and queen in the world would surely welcome you.” “Yeah well, I like a quiet life,” said Goldman, with a dismissive wave of his hand. “If I need anything, there are tribes on the neighbouring islands I can trade with. There’s even a British colony not too far away. But tell me, what do you want goldified?” “Us,” said Captain Clockheart. “You?” “That’s right.” “All three of you?” “There are sixteen of us. I’m looking to convert the whole crew,” said Captain Clockheart.
“Sixteen?” Goldman shook his head vigorously. “Sorry, guys. Goldifying ain’t exactly cheap. Turning you and your crew would cost... Well, a lot of coins.” “Maybe we can get a cut-price deal,” said Gadge, jabbing his blade towards Goldman. “You got me all wrong,” said Goldman, carefully pushing the blade away with his fingertips. “There are a lot of chemicals and expensive equipment involved. This stuff don’t come cheap.” “We can pay,” said Captain Clockheart, “but first I want proof that you can do it.” “OK, OK. I can see you ain’t exactly ‘no for an answer’ kind of guys. Give me a sample piece and I’ll show you.” “Gadge, lend him a hand,” said Captain Clockheart.
“Aye aye, Captain.” Gadge twisted off one of his attachment hands and gave it to Goldman. “A hand. Say, that’s funny.” The pirates did not laugh. “I
’ll see what I can do,” said Goldman. “Meanwhile, feel free to hang out here.” He led them inside the tower. Apart from a spiral staircase leading up to a closed door, it was completely empty. “You don’t have much in the way of furniture,” said Gadge. “My living quarters are upstairs. Besides, in this game it helps to be ready to move quickly. Now, wait here while I get this hand goldified.” He went up the stairs. “We’ll come with you and see how it’s done,” said Captain Clockheart.
Goldman shook his head. “Sorry, that’s quite impossible. The presence of your metal bodies would completely throw off my calculations. You stay put – I shouldn’t be too long.” He closed the door behind him and the pirates heard him lock it on the other side.
CHAPTER 7
In which Pendle deals with a spinning head and a squeaky bottom, and we discover how Mr Goldman got on goldifying Mr Gadge’s hand.
Pendle’s engineering skills came in handy on board the Leaky Battery. She had made a number of alterations to give the ship a bit more power than the average sailing vessel and it was down to her to deal with any problems that life at sea caused the crew’s mechanical bodies.
The ship was anchored near Snake Island until Captain Clockheart and the officers returned. While they waited, Pendle sat near the bow. A long queue of pirates had formed ahead of her. At the front stood a crew member by the name of Loose-screw. “What can I do for you today?” asked Pendle. “I’ve got this problem with my head,” replied the pirate. He pushed his head, sending it spinning around. Pendle laughed. “Doesn’t that make you feel dizzy?” “Yes, a little,” replied Loose-screw, stopping his head and staggering to the left. “Let’s have a look at it, then.” She picked up a screwdriver and, after a little tightening, Loose-screw was as good as new.
The grateful pirate thanked her and went down below where Old Tinder, the cook, was preparing a supper of wood chippings and dry bark. Next in line was Blind Bob Bolt, who wore a patch over each eye socket, having lost the sight in both his eyes in a swordfight several months ago. “How are you, Bob?” she asked. “Not so good today, Pendle.” Bob made a point of looking around to check no one was listening, even though he couldn’t see a thing. Then he lowered his voice and said, “I’ve a little bit of a rust problem.” “Whereabouts?” Pendle picked up an oil can. “I’d rather not say,” said Bob. “How about you take the can and apply
the oil yourself? Would that make you feel more comfortable?” “Yes, well, the thing is … I can’t reach.” Pendle smiled and whispered in his ear, “Is it a squeaky bottom, Bob?” Blind Bob Bolt nodded. “Turn round, then.” Bob did so and Pendle poured in the oil. “Oh, that’s better,” he said. “Thanks, Pendle lad.” “Next,” said Pendle. “Click, hello, Pendle lad.” “Hello, Mainspring,” she responded, seeing the clockwork pirate standing at the front of the queue. “Tick, while Clockheart’s not on board, you can call me Captain Mainspring.” “Not a chance and, before you even ask,
you know I can’t wind you up any more.” “Tock, if you don’t, I’ll find someone who will.” “The captain’s instructions are quite clear,” Pendle replied. “You’re not to get overly wound up. No one would dare defy him.” “Click, we’ll see. Tick, I ain’t the only one on board who thinks that Clockheart has more than one faulty valve. Tock, his rash behaviour will end up getting us all melted down, so it will.” “If there’s nothing else I can help you with, there’s a long line of pirates with real problems,” said Pendle pointedly. “Click, yes. Tick, that’s all. Tock, for now,” said Mainspring.
On the island, Captain Clockheart, Quartermaster Lexi and Mr Gadge were waiting for Chas Goldman to return. As servants, patience had been part of their job but months spent in the salty sea air had worn it all away. They paced, restlessly. “I’ve had enough of this,” said Gadge. He marched up the stairs and rattled the door. “What’s going on in there?” “I won’t be long,” replied Goldman. “Come now, Mr Gadge. Why don’t you sing us one of your shanties while we wait?” said Captain Clockheart. “I’ll sing no shanty while he’s up there doing who knows what to one of my best hands,” replied Gadge. Finally, the door opened and Goldman hurried downstairs.
“Did it work?” asked Captain Clockheart. “See for yourself.” Goldman unwrapped a cloth to reveal a shiny gold hand. “Beautiful,” said Captain Clockheart. Gadge slotted it into place and lifted it up admiringly. “Och, now that’s what I call a golden handshake.”
“As you can see, the process was a success but I’ll need to hang on to the sample to see whether I can improve on my technique.” “You ain’t keeping my hand, laddie,” said Gadge. “Firstly, you haven’t paid me. Secondly, you guys put a lot of strain on your parts… This needs to be top-quality, industrial-strength gold if it’s going to last.” “That does make sense,” said Quartermaster Lexi. “How much will it cost, then?” asked Captain Clockheart. “For the hand?” asked Goldman. “For my crew.” “Er … let me see.” Goldman pulled out a small pad of paper and hastily scribbled the costs. “Seven thousand, four hundred and
twenty-six pounds and fourteen guineas. Give or take.” “How much?” exclaimed Lexi. “Cash for gold!” squawked Twitter. “I’m very sorry, but that’s how it is,” said Goldman. “You have yourself a deal,” said Captain Clockheart, taking Goldman’s hand and shaking it vigorously. “We’ll be back with your money. You just make sure you’re able to stick to your side of the bargain or you’ll learn what it means to get on the wrong side of the Steampunk Pirates.” “Long walk, short plank!” added Twitter. “Big splash!”
CHAPTER 8
In which First Mate Mainspring prepares an explosive surprise for the other officers.
“Yo ho, down below! The captain’s back,” cried Blower, with a loud whistle and a blast of steam. “Clickerty-click, all crew to the deck,” yelled First Mate Mainspring. “Tickerty-tick, you squeaky scallywags. Tickerty-tock, or I’ll make the lot of you walk the plank.”
“Aye, sir,” responded three crew members, who had been busily mopping the deck. They picked up their buckets and ran, immediately colliding with Blind Bob Bolt and sending soapy water splashing across the deck. Washer Williams slipped on the soap and went hurtling into two more pirates. There was a tremendous crunch as all of them ended up in a huge heap of moaning metal.
“Clickerty-click-tick-tock, get up, you useless lot!” shouted Mainspring. “Everything under control, Mainspring?” asked Captain Clockheart, climbing up on to the deck. “Clickerty-click, just a little slip,” replied Mainspring. “Clickerty-tick, nothing to worry about.” “Very good. Join me in my cabin – I have news.” “Clickerty-tock, aye aye, Captain.” As Captain Clockheart and Pendle followed Mainspring, Lexi and Gadge, the captain spoke quietly in the cabin boy’s ear. “Our first mate seems overly wound up, lad, if you don’t mind me saying.”
“I’ve noticed,” said Pendle. “I saw him talking to Blind Bob Bolt before you got back. I think he may have tricked him into giving him a few more turns by pretending his key was the steering wheel.” “Then this requires cautious steps.” Captain Clockheart entered the cabin where the others were taking their places around the table. “I’m famished. Fetch us some timber, Pendle lad,” said Captain Clockheart. “Clickerty-tickerty-tick, no need for that. Clickerty-tickerty-tock, I’ve already got something ready.” “That’s very generous of you,” said Captain Clockheart, spying a plate on the table, piled high with lumps of coal. “Don’t mind if I do,” said Gadge, grabbing a piece.
“Hold your horses,” said Captain Clockheart. “Did Old Tinder prepare these?” “Click, aye aye, Captain,” said Mainspring. Captain Clockheart snatched the lump from Gadge’s hand and sniffed it. “Be a good lad, Pendle, and fetch Old Tinder, will you?” “Yes, sir,” replied Pendle. “Clickerty-tick, I shouldn’t bother him now,” said Mainspring quickly. “Clickerty-tock, you know how grumpy he gets before his afternoon shutdown.” “Knowing what people is like is what has kept me captain of this here vessel,” replied Captain Clockheart, winking a
t Mainspring. “Good day, Captain,” said Old Tinder, as Pendle wheeled him into the cabin. When the Steampunk Pirates had first gone to sea, Old Tinder had been one of the
best climbers on board, but an unfortunate encounter with a shark had cost the shark its teeth and Old Tinder his legs. The best replacement Pendle could find was a pair of squeaky wooden wheels, putting an end to Old Tinder’s climbing and confining him to the kitchen, where he prepared all the fuel that the steam-powered pirates needed. “Ah, Mr Tinder. How kind of you to join us,” said Captain Clockheart. “How are you?” “You know, stuck in a hot kitchen with only the woodworm in my wheels to keep me company. My piston rod is loose and my valves are aching something rotten … but I don’t like to grumble.” “I’m glad to hear that,” said Captain Clockheart. “Quick question. Did you