‘After all, I'm not the first one to have a baby, am I? And the doctor says I shan't have any trouble. You see, it isn't as if I wasn't well made.'
Mrs Owen, the owner of the house she was going to when her time came, had recommended a doctor, and Mildred saw him once a week. He was to charge fifteen guineas.
‘Of course I could have got it done cheaper, but Mrs Owen strongly recommended him, and I thought it wasn't worth while to spoil the ship for a coat of tar.'
‘If you feel happy and comfortable I don't mind a bit about the expense,' said Philip.
She accepted all that Philip did for her as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and on his side he loved to spend money on her: each five-pound note he gave her caused him a little thrill of happiness and pride; he gave her a good many, for she was not economical.
‘I don't know where the money goes,' she said herself, ‘it seems to slip through my fingers like water.'
‘It doesn't matter,' said Philip. ‘I'm so glad to be able to do anything I can do for you.'
She could not sew well and so did not make the necessary things for the baby; she told Philip it was much cheaper in the end to buy them. Philip had lately sold one of the mortgages in which his money had been put; and now, with five hundred pounds in the bank waiting to be invested in something that could be more easily realized, he felt himself uncommonly well-to-do. They talked often of the future. Philip was anxious that Mildred should keep the child with her, but she refused; she had her living to earn, and it would be more easy to do this if she had not also to look after a baby. Her plan was to get back into one of the shops of the company for which she had worked before, and the child could be put with some decent woman in the country.
‘I can find someone who'll look after it well for seven and sixpence a week. It'll be better for the baby and better for me.'
It seemed callous to Philip, but when he tried to reason with her she pretended to think he was concerned with the expense.
‘You needn't worry about that,' she said. ‘I shan't ask you to pay for it.'
‘You know I don't care how much I pay.'
At the bottom of her heart was the hope that the child would be still-born. She did no more than hint it, but Philip saw that the thought was there. He was shocked at first; and then, reasoning with himself, he was obliged to confess that for all concerned such an event was to be desired.
‘It's all very fine to say this and that,' Mildred remarked querulously, ‘but it's jolly difficult for a girl to earn her living by herself; it doesn't make it any easier when she's got a baby.'
‘Fortunately you've got me to fall back on,' smiled Philip, taking her hand.
‘You have been good to me, Philip.'
‘Oh, what rot!'
‘You can't say I didn't offer anything in return for what you've done.'
‘Good heavens, I don't want a return. If I've done anything for you, I've done it because I love you. You owe me nothing. I don't want you to do anything unless you love me.'
He was a little horrified by her feeling that her body was a commodity which she could deliver indifferently as an acknowledgement for services rendered.
‘But I do want to, Philip. You've been so good to me.'
‘Well, it won't hurt for waiting. When you're all right again we'll go for our little honeymoon.'
‘You are naughty,' she said, smiling.
Mildred expected to be confined early in March, and as soon as she was well enough she was to go to the seaside for a fortnight: that would give Philip a chance to work without interruption for his examination; after that came the Easter holidays, and they had arranged to go to Paris together. Philip talked endlessly of the things they would do. Paris was delightful then. They would take a room in a little hotel he knew in the Latin Quarter, and they would eat in all sorts of charming little restaurants; they would go to the play, and he would take her to music-halls. It would amuse her to meet his friends. He had talked to her about Cronshaw, she would see him; and there was Lawson, he had gone to Paris for a couple of months; and they would go to the Bal Bullier; there were excursions; they would make trips to Versailles, Chartres, Fontainebleau.
‘It'll cost a lot of money,' she said.
‘Oh, damn the expense. Think how I've been looking forward to it. Don't you know what it means to me? I've never loved anyone but you. I never shall.'
She listened to his enthusiasm with smiling eyes. He thought he saw in them a new tenderness, and he was grateful to her. She was much gentler than she used to be. There was in her no longer the superciliousness which had irritated him. She was so accustomed to him now that she took no pains to keep up before him any pretences. She no longer troubled to do her hair with the old elaboration, but just tied it in a knot; and she left off the vast fringe which she generally wore: the more careless style suited her. Her face was so thin that it made her eyes seem very large; there were heavy lines under them, and the pallor of her cheeks made their colour more profound. She had a wistful look which was infinitely pathetic. There seemed to Philip to be in her something of the Madonna. He wished they could continue in that same way always. He was happier than he had ever been in his life.
He used to leave her at ten o'clock every night, for she liked to go to bed early, and he was obliged to put in another couple of hours' work to make up for the lost evening. He generally brushed her hair for her before he went. He had made a ritual of the kisses he gave her when he bade her good-night; first he kissed the palms of her hands (how thin the fingers were, the nails were beautiful, for she spent much time manicuring them), then he kissed her closed eyes, first the right one and then the left, and at last he kissed her lips. He went home with a heart overflowing with love. He longed for an opportunity to gratify the desire for self-sacrifice which consumed him.
Presently the time came for her to move to the nursing-home where she was to be confined. Philip was then able to visit her only in the afternoons. Mildred changed her story and represented herself as the wife of a soldier who had gone to India to join his regiment, and Philip was introduced to the mistress of the establishment as her brother-in-law.
‘I have to be rather careful what I say,' she told him, ‘as there's another lady here whose husband's in the Indian Civil.'
‘I wouldn't let that disturb me if I were you,' said Philip. ‘I'm convinced that her husband and yours went out on the same boat.'
‘What boat?' she asked innocently.
‘The Flying Dutchman.'
Mildred was safely delivered of a daughter, and when Philip was allowed to see her the child was lying by her side. Mildred was very weak, but relieved that everything was over. She showed him the baby, and herself looked at it curiously.
‘It's a funny-looking little thing, isn't it? I can't believe it's mine.'
It was red and wrinkled and odd. Philip smiled when he looked at it. He did not quite know what to say; and it embarrassed him because the nurse who owned the house was standing by his side; and he felt by the way she was looking at him that, disbelieving Mildred's complicated story, she thought he was the father.
‘What are you going to call her?' asked Philip.
‘I can't make up my mind if I shall call her Madeleine or Cecilia.'
The nurse left them alone for a few minutes, and Philip bent down and kissed Mildred on the mouth.
‘I'm so glad it's all over happily, darling.'
She put her thin arms round his neck.
‘You've been a brick to me, Phil dear.'
‘Now I feel that you're mine at last. I've waited so long for you, my dear.'
They heard the nurse at the door, and Philip hurriedly got up. The nurse entered. There was a slight smile on her lips.
LXXIII
THREE WEEKS later Philip saw Mildred and her baby off to Brighton. She had made a quick recovery and looked better than he had ever seen her. She was going to a boarding-house where she had spent a couple of week-ends with Emil Mille
r, and had written to say that her husband was obliged to go to Germany on business and she was coming down with her baby. She got pleasure out of the stories she invented, and she showed a certain fertility of invention in the working out of the details. Mildred proposed to find in Brighton some woman who would be willing to take charge of the baby. Philip was startled at the callousness with which she insisted on getting rid of it so soon, but she argued with common sense that the poor child had much better be put somewhere before it grew used to her. Philip had expected the maternal instinct to make itself felt when she had had the baby two or three weeks, and had counted on this to help him persuade her to keep it; but nothing of the sort occurred. Mildred was not unkind to her baby, she did all that was necessary; it amused her sometimes, and she talked about it a good deal; but at heart she was indifferent to it. She could not look upon it as part of herself. She fancied it resembled its father already. She was continually wondering how she would manage when it grew older; and she was exasperated with herself for being such a fool as to have it at all.
‘If I'd only known then all I do now,' she said.
She laughed at Philip because he was anxious about its welfare.
‘You couldn't make more fuss if you was the father,' she said. ‘I'd like to see Emil getting into such a stew about it.'
Philip's mind was full of the stories he had heard of baby-farming and the ghouls who ill-treat the wretched children that selfish, cruel parents have put in their charge.
‘Don't be so silly,' said Mildred. ‘That's when you give a woman a sum down to look after a baby. But when you're going to pay so much a week it's to their interest to look after it well.'
Philip insisted that Mildred should place the child with people who had no children of their own and would promise to take no other.
‘Don't haggle about the price,' he said. ‘I'd rather pay half a guinea a week than run any risk of the kid being starved or beaten.'
‘You're a funny old thing, Philip,' she laughed.
To him there was something very touching in the child's helplessness. It was small, ugly, and querulous. Its birth had been looked forward to with shame and anguish. Nobody wanted it. It was dependent on him, a stranger, for food, shelter, and clothes to cover its nakedness.
As the train started he kissed Mildred. He would have kissed the baby too, but he was afraid she would laugh at him.
‘You will write to me, darling, won't you? And I shall look forward to your coming back with, oh! such impatience.'
‘Mind you get through your exam.'
He had been working for it industriously, and now with only ten days before him he made a final effort. He was very anxious to pass, first to save himself time and expense, for money had been slipping through his fingers during the last four months with incredible speed; and then because this examination marked the end of the drudgery: after that the student had to do with medicine, midwifery, and surgery, the interest of which was more vivid than the anatomy and physiology with which he had been hitherto concerned. Philip looked forward with interest to the rest of the curriculum. Nor did he want to have to confess to Mildred that he had failed: though the examination was difficult and the majority of candidates were ploughed at the first attempt, he knew that she would think less well of him if he did not succeed; she had a peculiarly humiliating way of showing what she thought.
Mildred sent him a postcard to announce her safe arrival, and he snatched half an hour every day to write a long letter to her. He had always a certain shyness in expressing himself by word of mouth, but he found he could tell her, pen in hand, all sorts of things which it would have made him feel ridiculous to say. Profiting by the discovery, he poured out to her his whole heart. He had never been able to tell her before how his adoration filled every part of him so that all his actions, all his thoughts, were touched with it. He wrote to her of the future, of the happiness that lay before him, and the gratitude which he owed her. He asked himself (he had often asked himself before but had never put it into words) what it was in her that filled him with such extravagant delight; he did not know; he knew only that when she was with him he was happy, and when she was away from him the world was on a sudden cold and grey; he knew only that when he thought of her his heart seemed to grow big in his body so that it was difficult to breathe (as if it pressed against his lungs) and it throbbed, so that the delight of her presence was almost pain; his knees shook, and he felt strangely weak, as though, not having eaten, he were tremulous from want of food. He looked forward eagerly to her answers. He did not expect her to write often, for he knew that letter-writing came difficultly to her; and he was quite content with the clumsy little note that arrived in reply to four of his. She spoke of the boarding-house in which she had taken a room, of the weather and the baby, told him she had been for a walk on the front with a lady friend whom she had met in the boarding-house and who had taken such a fancy to baby, she was going to the theatre on Saturday night, and Brighton was filling up. It touched Philip because it was so matter of fact. The crabbed style, the formality of the matter, gave him a queer desire to laugh and to take her in his arms and kiss her.
He went into the examination with happy confidence. There was nothing in either of the papers that gave him trouble. He knew that he had done well, and though the second part of the examination was viva voce and he was more nervous, he managed to answer the questions adequately. He sent a triumphant telegram to Mildred when the result was announced.
When he got back to his rooms Philip found a letter from her, saying that she thought it would be better for her to stay another week in Brighton. She had found a woman who would be glad to take the baby for seven shillings a week, but she wanted to make inquiries about her, and she was herself benefiting so much by the sea-air that she was sure a few days more would do her no end of good. She hated asking Philip for money, but would he send some by return, as she had had to buy herself a new hat, she couldn't go about with her lady friend always in the same hat, and her lady friend was so dressy. Philip had a moment of bitter disappointment. It took away all his pleasure at getting through his examination.
‘If she loved me one quarter as much as I love her she couldn't bear to stay away a day longer than necessary.'
He put the thought away from him quickly; it was pure selfishness; of course her health was more important than anything else. But he had nothing to do now; he might spend the week with her in Brighton, and they could be together all day. His heart leaped at the thought. It would be amusing to appear before Mildred suddenly with the information that he had taken a room in the boarding-house. He looked out trains. But he paused. He was not certain that she would be pleased to see him; she had made friends in Brighton; he was quiet, and she liked boisterous joviality; he realized that she amused herself more with other people than with him. It would torture him if he felt for an instant that he was in the way. He was afraid to risk it. He dared not even write and suggest that, with nothing to keep him in town, he would like to spend the week where he could see her every day. She knew he had nothing to do; if she wanted him to come she would have asked him to. He dared not risk the anguish he would suffer if he proposed to come and she made excuses to prevent him.
He wrote to her next day, sent her a five-pound note, and at the end of his letter said that if she were very nice and cared to see him for the week-end he would be glad to run down; but she was by no means to alter any plans she had made. He awaited her answer with impatience. In it she said that if she had only known before she could have arranged it, but she had promised to go to a music-hall on the Saturday night; besides, it would make the people at the boarding-house talk if he stayed there. Why did he not come on Sunday morning and spend the day? They could lunch at the Metropole, and she would take him afterwards to see the very superior lady-like person who was going to take the baby.
Sunday. He blessed the day because it was fine. As the train approached Brighton the sun poured through the carriage window. M
ildred was waiting for him on the platform.
‘How jolly of you to come and meet me!' he cried, as he seized her hands.
‘You expected me, didn't you?'
‘I hoped you would. I say, how well you're looking.'
‘It's done me a rare lot of good, but I think I'm wise to stay here as long as I can. And there are a very nice class of people at the boarding-house. I wanted cheering up after seeing nobody all these months. It was dull sometimes.'
She looked very smart in her new hat, a large black straw with a great many inexpensive flowers on it; and round her neck floated a long boa of imitation swansdown. She was still very thin, and she stooped a little when she walked (she had always done that), but her eyes did not seem so large; and though she never had any colour, her skin had lost the earthy look it had. They walked down to the sea. Philip remembering he had not walked with her for months, grew suddenly conscious of his limp and walked stiffly in the attempt to conceal it.
‘Are you glad to see me?' he asked, love dancing madly in his heart.
‘Of course I am. You needn't ask that.'
‘By the way, Griffiths sends you his love.'
‘What cheek!'
He had talked to her a great deal of Griffiths. He had told her how flirtatious he was and had amused her often with the narration of some adventure which Griffiths under the seal of secrecy had imparted to him. Mildred had listened, with some pretence of disgust sometimes, but generally with curiosity; and Philip, admiringly, had enlarged upon his friend's good looks and charm.
‘I'm sure you'll like him just as much as I do. He's so jolly and amusing, and he's such an awfully good sort.'
Philip told her how, when they were perfect strangers, Griffiths had nursed him through an illness; and in the telling Griffiths's self-sacrifice lost nothing.
‘You can't help liking him,' said Philip.
‘I don't like good-looking men,' said Mildred. ‘They're too conceited for me.'
Of Human Bondage Page 45