by Hayley Oakes
“That good?” I whispered into her ear and she nodded.
“Yes,” she rasped out and I dipped down to my knees, I spun her and pushed her back against the sink unit, lifting her leg over my shoulder and I plunged my tongue inside her tasting my beautiful girl and devouring her. She thrust her hands into my hair and grabbed onto it to steady herself as I added my fingers again and teased her clit with my tongue.
“Oh my God!” she shouted anchoring herself to the sink unit as I showed her exactly how much I needed her. “Oh God Matt!” she shouted through her orgasm.
I stood up with a satisfied smirk on my face and she started to tug at my t-shirt, I helped her by pulling it over my head and she jumped forward to kiss my naked abs. Her hands exploring my body and reaching into my sweat pants to find the ultimate prize. I hissed as her hands found my hard length and my smirk was replaced by a determined need, I cupped her face in my hand and dropped to kiss her lips. She urged me on by kissing me like she needed me as much as her next breath whilst she pumped my cock in her hand. I pushed my pants down so I was naked in front of her and she looked down at my length and swallowed hard, I was so hard it was painful, I had to be inside her. I grabbed her bum roughly and lifted her so she was sitting on the edge of the sink unit. She fisted my hair and I lined up my dick with her entrance.
“How much do want me, Pen?” I asked, leaning my head in her forehead.
“Lots,” she groaned grabbing at me and pulling me closer, “more than I wish I did,” she said quickly.
“I love you,” I said on a sigh as I slid inside her, she was wet and waiting for me and she felt so snug and warm against my cock that I tried my best not to explode as I pushed all the way inside. She threw her head back as I hit her hard and I kissed her neck as she grabbed at my back. I held her tightly in place and roughly took what I needed, “Penny,” I mumbled as her muscles clenched around me.
“Oh God!” she yelped and I found myself thrusting harder to hear her cries. She held onto my shoulders to steady herself as I couldn’t get enough of her, her smell, her taste, the feel of her pulsing around me. I tried to hold on until she came but being back inside her was getting too much, she wrapped her legs tightly around me, angling herself to take me deeper and I lost my mind. “Oh shit!” she said, finally shuddering beneath me as she came apart.
I followed her moments later, finding my release and grunting into the soft curve of her neck. I sagged onto her, holding her to me as I took deep breaths and recovered myself.
I stepped back and helped her to stand, she placed her hand tenderly on my chest and looked up at me with a worked over smile. “That was a surprise,” she uttered quietly.
“A good one?” I asked, smoothing her hair behind her ear.
“Yeah,” she nodded with a sigh, “too good.”
She walked to the bath and stepped inside, turning the shower on over it and pulling her hair into a bobble to keep it out of the water. I climbed inside and sat at the edge of the bath watching her shower.
“Will you stay with us tonight?” I said quietly, watching as she soaped herself under the water.
“Will you be doing that again?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Maybe,” I stood with a smile and moved under the water with her, squirting soap onto my own hands and helping her shower.
“Okay,” she said quietly, “I’m trying so hard to resist you,” she added a little sombrely, looking up at me with doe eyes.
“Stop,” I said, massaging her shoulders, “let me love you,” I uttered into her hair.
She stilled under my touch and turned to face me, “I’ll try.”
Chapter 40 - Penny
I WAS AN EASY lay.
It was tough to deal with after everything but I hadn’t managed to resist Matt. I hadn’t meant to let him touch me, hadn’t meant to smell his familiar scent and feel so at home, hadn’t meant to let his strong arms hold me and instantly feel relief. As much as my heart had been broken, my body seemed to think that letting him near me was making things better. If only that were the truth. In reality having him with me when Ivy was ill made me feel less alone and the way he just dealt with things was easy to give into. I was lost and devastated and out of my depth and from the minute he arrived that all changed, he took charge and he comforted me and he was wonderful.
Of course he had always been wonderful.
He held me and I let him. He hugged me and I melted into his arms. He asked me to stay in his huge, warm, gorgeous home and damn it after a couple of days of hell I wanted the luxury.
The thing about Matt was that he was just so hard to look at as he had everything, the looks, the body, the charm and he bewitched me without even trying. Even if you didn’t know how he tasted and how he could make you feel you’d still fall under his spell. When you knew, it made resisting him even harder.
I did try .... I brushed off his comments, told him I was wary, explained how we’d had our chance but he kept trying and kept being perfect. No one was perfect.
I felt spooked all day at work, I’d gone from distancing myself and wondering how we could co-parent when I was still so dizzyingly attracted to him, to having slept in his arms and then having the hottest sex in my bathroom that I’d ever experienced.
Then the L word. It dropped so easily from his mouth that I doubted it instantly every time. People like me didn’t know love, we didn’t hear it often and we struggled to feel it even more. When I was fifteen I learnt a really important piece of information, Gary was insistent I had some counselling and he himself was trained and had studied child behaviour at university in one of his classes. I learned that behaviours were learned and attachment was imperative in early life, or else it may never happen. The way I knew how to love or accept love was skewed because of my experiences and the way I became attached was very much diluted because of my mum.
No one knows what she was like in my formative years, Social Services were involved from Rafferty’s birth as his father was a known domestic violence abuser and had other children. My dad was probably some kid in a bike shed at school. Who knew? She managed well enough with just me, struggled to keep Raff and me for long periods of time because of her choices with men and then it all went to shit after Fran was born.
I suppose I have no idea how much I was loved or how attached she was to me, whether she cooed over me like I do Ivy or if she left me rotting in the corner while she smoked and watched TV. I have a very low opinion of the woman who birthed me and that has only been heightened by the feelings I have as a mother. No one besides Gary, Leon and Gail have ever told me they love me, that I remember. I learned to say it back because that’s what people want to hear but I struggled to understand what it meant. Until Ivy.
Matt loves me, so he says. He has no idea who I really am.
I worked hard all day with my own confusing feelings and needs whirring in my head. He’d rejected me, I’d accepted that and I didn’t know if I had the strength to risk trying again. I didn’t have any experience with death and so I didn’t know how Matt was feeling or whether he could truly ever move on ... with me.
I tried not to over analyse and accept the night for what it was.
My last class were kicking serious arse to our new routine for the end of year show, the music was Call on me by Starley. They were popping bodies and throwing themselves about the place and they always made me proud.
I had my arms wrapped around myself, eyes narrowed, watching them all intently as they danced facing the wall of mirrors when I saw him looming in the doorway. I quickly glanced up and he waved with an easy smile. The girls continued and I dropped my head to watch them, not returning his smile as I didn’t want to distract them
The routine ended before the music as we hadn’t completed the whole thing as yet. I walked to stop the music pumping through my phone into the speakers.
“Right,” I clapped my hands and shouted loudly, “looking great, we’ll start on the next component next week but i
t’s looking awesome girls.” I grinned and they clapped too.
They all chattered and left the room, passing Matt and some making small talk with him. I gathered my stuff and turned my back to the door, I’d been over thinking everything all day and had decided I wanted to tell him to forget about us. I wanted to be strong, to protect myself but even seeing him in the doorway made my heart stutter, so I feared I had no chance. I was so confused.
“Hi,” I turned to see him stood behind me, hands in the pockets of his navy blue bomber jacket, looking stunning with a shy smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
“Hi,” I nodded. I looked dreadful, I had sweat dried all over my body but more obviously on my face. Any makeup I had applied that morning was now well and truly gone. My hair was a mess of tangles on my head from when I’d roughly thrown it back up a few times. I wore my usual outfit of shorts and my work t-shirt but they were most likely smelling of horrendous sweat. Basically I had looked much better. He’d seen me in this state a fair few times but this felt more embarrassing and more intimate after the morning and when we were ... adrift. “God,” I covered my face, “I look a mess.” I laughed.
He furrowed his brow, “you look hot!” he grinned and I felt myself heat up under his gaze.
“If you mean sweaty hot, yes I am.” I shook my head and passed him to grab my towel, phone and water bottle. I wiped my shoulders and took a sip of water. “So .... how come you’re here?” I asked bluntly. “I thought we decided I’d stay alone tonight. Where’s Ivy?”
“Um,” he rubbed the back of his head and had the good sense to look sheepish, “my mum is sitting at my house and I just wanted to talk and maybe ...”
I sighed, “Maybe convince me to repeat this morning?” my mouth hardened and I looked away from him.
“No ... I mean yes obviously that was amazing but no ... date, see each other, reset things.” He followed me to the door, reached out and touched my shoulder and it instantly zinged from his touch. I stopped dead. “What’s been whirling around in your head today?” he asked softly.
I shrugged and turned around to face him. He looked worried and his eyes were soft with sympathy. He knew my mind got away with me and he knew I had deep rooted issues even if I had never shared all of the facts.
“Tell me,” he pushed and I dropped my eyes, clutching my water bottle for comfort.
“I can’t resist you Matt, so you need to do the decent thing and leave me alone,” I uttered.
He let out a quick laugh and I shot my eyes up to catch his, “try another option.”
“How can I tell you what I’m thinking if you’re not listening?” I asked defeated.
“Fine,” he placed both hands on my shoulders and I looked up to his exquisite sapphire eyes again, they seemed honest, they seemed dependable and deep down I knew that was who Matt was. “Tell me more,” he urged.
I swallowed hard, “I love the way you care for me, make me feel safe and my body loves your touch and everything,” I whispered the last part a little embarrassed and he squeezed my shoulders lightly and smirked, “I just worry that this won’t work out ... again and I’ll be even more heart broken a second time.”
He nodded, “Life is full of chances ... taking chances, second chances, chance encounters.” His voice rumbled through my body as he spoke and I relaxed into the warmth of his hands, his words and the comfort he always gave me. “I know what I want and that’s you, we had a break, I missed you and this is something I’m passionate about making work.”
I nodded and inhaled through my nose, “I’ve had a lot of knocks Matt, I don’t usually hand out second chances.”
He pulled me into his arms and I moulded against his body, sweaty and all, “believe it or not I’m not used to chasing after fucking up.” He kissed the top of my head, “you are my exception Penny.”
“I’m not ready to tell you ...” I trailed off.
He rubbed his large hands over my naked arms and the cool down from my classes coupled with his touch drew goosebumps. “How about I take you out? We just live our lives and then when you feel ready you tell me how you feel?”
“I’m useless around you,” I added with a bite to my voice.
“Just trying to persuade my girl to take a chance on me, more like a pre-emptive strike,” his body shook as he laughed and I squeezed him a little tighter.
“If your feelings change just let me know straight away,” I added quickly.
“That won’t happen,” he rumbled, “I listened to bullshit which made me question how I felt, the feelings didn’t change.”
I let his words wash over me and then heard someone clearing their throat behind me, “Penny, a word?”
I turned to see Gail and she didn’t look best pleased, she glared at Matt and I cringed. I gave him a quick glance over my shoulder then stepped into the corridor to talk to her.
“He’s back?” she whispered harshly.
I shrugged, “He’s trying.”
She rolled her eyes, “don’t be sucked in, he’s a mess and you shouldn’t have to deal with that.”
I nodded solemnly and although I appreciated her support I knew her feelings on this weren’t going to change my actions. “We’re just going to see each other.”
She shook her head. “Until he decides he’s overwhelmed again?” she placed her hand on her hip and watched me pointedly, “you’re better than that.”
“I appreciate your concern Gail and value your opinion but in this I want to believe that he wants a second chance,” I swallowed hard, “I’m going to see how it goes.”
She sighed. “You could be out there finding someone who deserves you rather than wasting another six months on him,” she said sourly.
“No one else ever made me feel like him,” I leaned in on a whisper, “so ....”
She sighed defeated. “Just be wary and don’t jump into anything again, stay at your flat and make him beg.”
“Thanks Gail,” she bent forward and took me in a quick hug.
“Be wary,” she said again giving me a tight lipped glare.
I watched her walk away and felt Matt behind me, I turned and gave him a nervous grin. “You hear that?” I asked.
He nodded, “I’ll win her over,” he said with surety and I did not doubt that.
Matt drove me home, waited while I changed and we went out to dinner. It was a nice Italian near my flat that I had never been to, nothing formal but it was busy on a Saturday night. We caught up on our time apart, he asked me about my holiday and what my dads thought of our situation. I was honest and he laughed, “I suppose I’m pretty much the dipshit who got you pregnant but then left you holding the baby.”
“It’s fine, they’re in Spain and what they don’t know ...” I smirked.
“Well one day it’d be nice to meet them,” he shrugged and I must have looked shocked. “Not right now,” he clarified.
“No,” I shook my head, “I just spent a week looking glum most days and so let’s just see how we go. I hate Gary’s lectures.”
He narrowed his eyes, “okay.”
After we ate we walked to the car and he grabbed my hand, it felt nice and familiar and I let him hold it. Whenever Matt touched me there was a zing that I felt all over my body and I tried my best to function normally when I felt far from it. I worried for myself, I worried that I felt so much for him that it couldn’t last. People didn’t stick around, there was something about me that he would eventually dislike and he had already proven how easy it was for him to walk away. I let him touch me, I was letting him date me but I needed very much to stay guarded. I might have let him get his foot back in the door but I needed to make sure that I had my weight behind it so I was protected.
For now it didn’t hurt to let him touch me. For now it felt amazing after the pain of the last few weeks but I had my flat, my job, my life and my baby. I didn’t need anyone, I could make it alone.
“I’m going to stay at home tonight,” I told him resolutely and he nodd
ed next to me as I fastened my seat belt.
“Right,” he swallowed hard and I gave him a determined smile.
“Let’s do brunch tomorrow with Ivy like we used to,” I added and he turned to face me.
“Okay,” he patted my leg and started the engine.
“Let’s ease back into things,” I uttered and he didn’t respond.
He pulled up outside my flat and as I got out he did too and walked around the car to walk me to the door. When we got there he bent and kissed me, I kissed him back, his lips met mine and I inhaled his scent. His arms wound around me gently and I let him cherish me. I had more issues than most men on death row, so I had to get my head straight before I felt railroaded into something that could be detrimental to my mental health.
“Night,” he leaned his head on mine and his deep, soulful eyes met mine.
“Night,” I said, moving out of his grasp and walking inside, “give Ivy a kiss from me,” I told him.
“Will do, see you tomorrow.” He stood on the doorstep as I walked inside and I waved as I closed the front door. I trudged upstairs, let myself in and flicked the TV on for company. I made a hot chocolate, stripped out of my clothes and put some pyjamas on curling up in front of the fire with a Saturday night talk show on TV.
Just as Jonathan Ross was introducing his next guest my phone buzzed.
Matt: Just got home, Ivy fast asleep and I’m gonna hit the hay – thanks for a great night. See you tomorrow xxx
I smiled at the phone.
Me: Great night, kiss Ivy for me, looking forward to tomorrow J x
The next day my little girl and her daddy arrived just after ten. I spent the morning tidying and folding washing, they arrived just as I was about to get dressed. I felt like I rarely sat down and never had a minute to myself, there were always too many jobs to do. Matt played with Ivy until I was ready to go, we grabbed our coats and he carried Ivy downstairs, I held her whilst he got the pushchair out of the car. We walked happily to the cafe we used to visit every Sunday only a few weeks before and it felt good.