by Hayley Oakes
Raff squeezed my hand and looked to Fran confused, “our parents always said you’d been taken in by family, that’s why they couldn’t take you.”
I swallowed hard, “no,” I shrugged, “no family but I’m fine now.” My eyes found Matt and he grinned.
“Oh um this is Matt,” I held my hand out to indicate Matt, “my ...”
“Boyfriend,” he added with a quick nod.
“Hi,” they both said.
“So we knew your name and everything and Raff has been trying for years to locate you but there wasn’t an easy trail and then he came across an article with loads of pictures from a competition for dancers,” she added excitedly.
“So I investigated and struck gold,” Raff grinned, “we found you and you’re a dance teacher.” He looked elated and I lowered my head shyly.
“I didn’t do great in school,” I told them glumly.
“Penny is an awesome dancer and choreographer,” Matt added, “and her singing voice is just unbelievable, she’s very talented.”
I inhaled sharply, a little embarrassed, “thanks Matt.”
“Oh God Fran loves to sing don’t you Fran? I’m tone deaf,” Raff added and we all laughed.
Just then the waitress came to take our order.
“So tell me about your lives,” I encouraged and Fran began.
“Well I just finished uni this year and I’m working at a marketing firm, just starting out. Our parents adopted two more kids after us so we have two siblings who are still at high school, Joshua and Jenson,” she smiled at Raff, “our parents are pretty amazing, I still live at home.”
“And I have my own flat,” Raff filled in, “I didn’t do uni but I started my own business helping companies advertise better online and it’s doing really well.”
“Wow,” I smiled, “you two are doing amazing. I’m so glad you had a happy life.”
“We did,” Fran grinned, “but now we’ve found you we’re complete, we’re all together.”
“Have you ever tried to find ... our birth mother?” Raff asked and I shook my head.
“I suppose I knew her well enough when I lived with her and I think I’ve always blamed her for everything, always felt so angry and so ...” I tried to explain.
Raff nodded glumly, “we have no memories of her and only know what our parents told us, neglect and unable to care for us.”
“Yeah, I looked after you two,” I said with a tight smile, “so I suppose I just never wanted to see her, she’s not good people.”
“We found her,” Fran said quickly, “I mean we’ve never met her but she’s on Facebook, she’s called Lara Fleetwood now, she has another family.”
“Wow,” I blew out a breath, that was tough to hear. That she’d made it work with other kids. “I’m surprised they let her keep more kids.”
“She looks a mess,” Raff smiled without humour, “we found out her new name from local marriage records but I don’t think we want to meet her.”
“No,” I shook my head, “but I’m so happy to meet you.”
“We are too,” Raff grinned.
The food arrived and we spent the next few hours catching up on twenty years of our lives. Matt joined the conversation and told them about our daughter and it felt natural and normal. I felt like the big sister and there was a bond with these two without me having to try. We hugged our goodbyes and promised to meet soon, they wanted me to meet their parents and I said I would. Fran asked me to send a picture of Ivy and wanted to meet her and be her aunt. It was every emotion that I had ever buried, raw and unrestrained and Matt just held me up through it all. He didn’t interrupt, he just listened and when I spoke about myself he made sure to tell them how great he thought I was. He was my rock, he was the man I never realised I needed and after months of wondering if I was doing the right thing by giving him a second chance his loyalty, love and support answered for me.
“I love you,” I said unsteadily through emotion as we drove home.
“I love you more,” he took my hand as he drove, “I was proud of you in there,” he added gruffly and I tried my best not to cry.
“I believe you Matt,” I said softly, “I believe that we’re going to make this work and you won’t leave me again.”
“No doubt,” he pulled my hand to his lips and kissed it, “you and Ivy are everything I ever need and I’m going to build us the best house and take care of you like you deserve. You just need to let me.”
“I will,” my voice was strained from the tears and I coughed awkwardly, “I’ll look after you too.” I whispered.
“You already do,” he said and I turned to him and smiled.
“Two lost souls.” I sighed.
“Two tough mother fuckers,” he corrected me and I burst out laughing.
Chapter 45 - Nineteen Months Old
Matthew
OUR HOUSE WAS FAR from finished. Somewhere amongst the chaos of me living with Penny and Ivy, I had got her to agree to move in with me. The bedrooms were ready, the kitchen was in but we still needed little finishing touches. The bathrooms were ongoing but usable and we’d purchased the necessary furniture. The gardens surrounding the house were still churned up mud but I had plans to resolve that by summer.
Two years before I was an unhappily married man. I spent my days busy and full of venom but the only person I had to blame was myself. I stayed in a toxic situation and made it worse by burying my feelings, I’d never do that again. We talked about Jemma, my family talked about Jemma and I told Penny stories sometimes if a memory caught me unawares. Penny never asked me to forget Jemma and she had learned not be jealous of the past and to conquer the future together instead.
I was happy. I was content and I loved my girls so much more than I ever thought possible, they saved me, they gave me a purpose and the life we were building together was truly a partnership built on loss, love, respect, compromise and a hell of a lot of laughs.
Penny was easy going and everything pleased her because she was too bloody used to nothing. I made it my life’s purpose to change that. We were moving into the house despite the fact that it wasn’t finished and we were hosting a house warming party that as usual had gotten out of control due to my mum.
I finally met Penny’s dads a month before in February. We flew out to Spain for a week and I was grilled by two guys who were clearly trained in psycho analysis. It was tough but it was worth it and I think we left that week after getting everything squared away. They had a nice set up in Spain but it was clear leaving Penny behind had been their only regret, especially after she got mixed up in a surrogacy plot that they were not happy with.
I hate that Jemma is dead but I like to think that from the darkness we’ve managed to find light. I couldn’t imagine being without Ivy or Penny and in so many ways Penny made me realise that I didn’t need to be managed, we were a true partnership and it worked.
We had moved things into the house all week and Penny had been emotional to leave the flat that she had lived in from seventeen. She didn’t have much furniture and we’d bought all new for the house, so she was saying goodbye to a lot of her stuff. They were only things but things she had painstakingly afforded and built up of which she was very proud of. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would have made it in the same circumstances. I had been smothered from birth and my parents had ensured we had wanted for nothing, we were adored, spoilt sometimes and my parents were always on hand to ‘help’ even when it felt like borderline intrusion. If I’d had to fight to survive I probably would have curled in a gutter and died, she was way tougher than me.
The party was starting at five and all my friends were coming, plus Penny’s friends, her brother and sister and my family. Crazy Aunt Magnolia was coming and my mum had organised the catering. The whole back of the house had been transformed into an open plan living area and kitchen, it was beautiful. The kitchen cupboards were grey and the counter tops hard slabs of wood. There was a sunken white sink and a large island in the mid
dle with high stools. It was an oasis of chrome appliances with a separate utility room that housed the washer and dryer and had a small toilet leading off it. The living room area was decorated in grey tones with small splashes of colour and the floor was grey, stone with rugs for Ivy.
I loved it and Penny did too. We also bought a large oak dining table to sit between the kitchen area and the living part. It looked awesome. By mid-afternoon we were packing shopping into the new kitchen and the night of the party would be our first night in the new house. Our clothes were unpacked upstairs and we had brought our final things that morning. I slipped away after ten minutes or so with Ivy to prepare something I had planned a while ago, since Spain. We went upstairs and came back down to see Penny heaving the remaining bags into the front door, “Pen,” I took one of the bags and placed Ivy on the floor. “You’re not super woman you know,” I shook my head.
“I’m fine,” she smirked to me. Penny was small but she was strong, she would never ask for help and always got stuck into all the heavy lifting. This was something I’d not noticed half as much until we bought this house and she threw herself into literally everything.
Ivy was tottering around the house and now Penny had appeared at the front door with more bags my plan was almost ruined. Penny walked to grab Ivy and I knew she saw it and then gasped. “Um ..” she turned back to me with furrowed brows of confusion.
“So,” I dropped the bags and bent to crouch next to Ivy, “you were supposed to be in the kitchen and not trying to haul in those bags.”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes, “what is Ivy wearing?”
I pulled my daughter to my side and smoothed out the t-shirt she wore and she smiled up at her mummy like we’d rehearsed, “I wanted to ask you when we were alone and I wanted us to tell everyone tonight if Penny, you will do me the honour of becoming my wife?”
She covered her mouth with her hands, tears rolled down her face and she couldn’t take her eyes from Ivy’s t-shirt that read, ‘please will you marry my daddy?’
She dropped to her knees where we were crouched and hugged us both, “yes,” she said breathlessly, “yes.”
I scrambled in my pocket for the ring I’d bought a month before. I asked her dads for their blessing when we were in Spain, Gary said yes but Leon said no and then Gary gave him a glare. I hoped they knew how much I loved Penny and that I was more than ready to take over from them to protect her and care for her for the rest of my life.
I opened the box and she touched the ring lightly, it was a white gold band with a simple square diamond that I thought suited her perfectly. I pulled it from the box and slid it on her finger and bent to kiss her. She kissed me back and Ivy babbled, “kiss me, kiss me.”
I laughed and stood, lifting my little girl up as Penny stood too and I hugged both my girls to me. “We’re gonna be so happy here,” I grinned.
“I think you’re so right,” Penny laughed, staring down at her ring and looking at me like I owned her heart and at that moment I believed that she believed in me.
Finally.
I knew that she could see that when I said it was just us forever, I meant it.
Epilogue
Five Years Later
Matthew
LIFE WITH THE LARSONS was nuts. We were constantly busy, constantly on the move and every weekend was jam packed.
It was Saturday morning and after a hectic week at Larsons there was no rest for the wicked, we had piled into the car to get to the theatre to help Penny with her latest show. After we got married Penny agreed to do the course that she always wanted to do and allow me to pay, something she didn’t feel one hundred percent comfortable with. The course was two years and she was by far the most talented and experienced choreographer to take part.
She still worked with Gail at the weekends when she could but didn’t teach a steady class anymore. During the week she was very much in demand as a choreographer in her own right. She’d been an apprentice the first year out of college but soon became widely recognised and due to family priorities set up on her own and worked on an ad-hoc basis. She had even worked in New York for a month but prefers to be at home with us.
Her true love will always be Sanfords and Gail and her girls. She helps out as much as she can and the Sanfords shows are where she feels most at home. Hence why on a Saturday morning we are helping Gail’s dancers rehearse for their big show the following weekend. Jim was in charge of lighting and I was pressing play on an iPhone connected to the sound system when I got the thumbs up from the stage.
“Hi daddy,” Ivy walked towards me where I sat at the back of the theatre, wearing a princess dress, a crown and her face plastered with makeup.
“Whoa,” I glanced behind her to see my blond haired, blue eyed son in full makeup and a similar princess dress. “What happened to Jasper?” I frowned.
“Oh,” Ivy covered her mouth and tried to hide her trademark cheeky smile, her little teeth were displayed and her dimples popping out. “Doesn’t he look pretty?” she laughed and Jasper grinned from behind her. He adored his sister.
Jasper was the little surprise that Penny wasn’t expecting when she signed up for her choreographer course and the defining factor that made me realise she was in fact wonder woman. Jasper was born two weeks before Ivy’s third birthday. He idolised his sister and would be joining her at school in September after we celebrated them turning seven and four in August.
“She paint you up, Jas?” I asked and he laughed.
“She said all dancers wear it,” he shrugged. He walked past his sister to where I sat and plonked himself on my lap, “I’m gonna be on the stage like mummy.”
“You are?” I tickled his tummy and he giggled and writhed. Where Ivy had a devilish, cheeky streak, my son was all Penny. He was laid back and easy going with a heart of gold and genuinely wanted to please everyone. He was a delight. Ivy was going to make me grey very shortly.
“Daddy,” she drew out the word, “please can we get some money for the Pringle machine.”
“Ivy at least you said please,” I sighed, they were obsessed with snack machines. “I thought you were supposed to be with Eden to practice for the tiny tots ballet or whatever it is?”
“I’m not a tiny tot,” she placed her hands on her hips, “it’s junior ballet, he’s in tiny tots acro.” She pointed at Jas as he was trying to wipe the makeup from his face with the sleeve of the princess dress.
“Matt?” I heard my name through a microphone on the stage and jumped up holding Jasper to see my wife waving two hands to me, “track one!” she shouted, sounding a little exasperated, and I gave her the thumbs up.
She stood on the stage surrounded by dancers ready to go and rested her hands on the small of her back. She was six months pregnant with our second daughter and showing way more than she had with the other two, it was slowing her down and she hated to be slowed down. She’d be tired after today but would never admit it, Penny hated to admit defeat.
“Okay guys daddy needs to get to work, you staying here?”
“Money?” Ivy asked as I pressed play on the iPhone for track one.
“Here,” I reached in my pocket and pulled out two pound coins, “come straight back here and get one for Jas,” I pulled him back onto my lap and he snuggled into me.
“Dad?” Jasper asked after she’d left.
“Yeah?” I replied, trying to ignore that my three year old had already given up calling me daddy.
“Will the new girl be just as bossy as the other two?” he asked with a sigh.
“Probably kiddo,” I laughed, “probably.”
The Larsons were crazy busy, we would probably never slow down and our house would always be filled with family, siblings and our children’s friends but we loved it. We loved each other and in the dead of night when I’m left alone with only my thoughts I remember Jemma and I thank her for leaving me with a legacy that meant I was being loved and cared for long after she was gone.
The End<
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Dear Reader,
Thank you so much for reading this story ... I actually wrote Penny and Matt’s story in 2017!!!
It’s been quite a journey to publishing and I’m so grateful that you have all stuck around the past three years whilst I took a little break and took my time to get back to publishing.
Jemma’s story is an emotive one for me because I too longed for a baby for five years and struggled with secondary infertility and the guilt that brings, the guilt that I’m not good enough, that my daughter would never be a big sister like she deserved, the guilt that it was all I could think about rather than be happy with what I had and the fact that everyone else seemed to have families so easily and yet I felt like mine wasn’t complete.
This one phrase saved my life, don’t focus on the things you can’t have and rather the things you do.
I was lucky enough to finally fall pregnant, after three losses, with my gorgeous miracle baby boy Noah and be a mummy for the second time.
Nothing in life is easy and we never know what hardships people are hiding behind their seemingly perfect lives and smiles that don’t fade despite the knocks.
Thank you for reading and supporting me after all this time.
Hayley xxx
Acknowledgments
Thank you to may amazing cover designer Helen – love it as usual and it’s perfect for Penny and Matt.
Thank you to my bestie, Rebecca, who always reads as I go. Thanks to my proof readers Debbie, Rachel and Claire who were invaluable.
Thank you to my amazing author friends who spur me on Stacey, Laura and the other Indie Girls who are an inspiration and help at a moment’s notice.
Thank you to the whole Indie community who are awesome at sharing and supporting each other so we get heard.
Thank you to my loyal readers who keep reading, keep asking, keep requesting and keep me going. Love you all.