The Memory Book

by Lara Avery

  I followed my family outside to say good-bye for the day, waiting on Mrs. Lind, and from far away, I could see Coop making his way toward me, holding a bowl of strawberries from his mom’s garden.

  “Hello, Samantha.”

  “Hello, Cooper.”

  He threw a strawberry at me. I held out my hands and missed, of course. “Oh, Jesus, sorry,” Coop said, and immediately went to find the berry on the ground. He rubbed it on his shirt and ate it. “I asked your mom and dad if it was okay that we go on an adventure.”

  I thought, one last adventure, though maybe that wouldn’t be true. But I was not getting better. I was getting calmer, but not always better. We both knew that, I think.

  “Is that okay?”

  “It’s perfect.” I motioned him to come closer to me so I could have a strawberry. He came closer. We ate the whole bowl one by one, sometimes I turned my neck to look up at him, sometimes I didn’t.

  “Let’s go down to the creek,” I finally said, and whistled for Puppy. As the dog rushed toward us, I decided I wanted the grass blades between my toes, so I sat down and slipped off my shoes. It took me a while. Coop threw a stick down the slope for Puppy until I was finished. I reached out my hand for him, and we were ready.

  The creek’s just across the highway, a little break in the land under bending trees that you can barely see until you’re right up close. We sat with our feet in a sunny patch of water.

  “I hate being slower,” I said.

  “Maybe you’re not, though,” Coop said. “We were both chubby kids, so you’re probably just the same speed we both were a few years back.”

  I burst out laughing, thinking of the two of us bumbling toward the creek, cheeks and hair flying, making whooshing sounds. “Running down the mountain really does make you feel faster than you are, doesn’t it?”

  “It’s just gravity!” Coop said, laughing with me. He laughed with his belly and turned to me, the serene smile back on his face, and said, “Yeah.”

  “Yeah, what?”

  “I was just thinking and I said the end part aloud.”

  “I do that, too,” I said.

  “Let’s go to the general store!” he said. “That was my idea.”

  “We can stay here for a little while, though,” I said. I wanted every part of the day to last as long as possible.

  “Sammie. How…” Coop started, then said, “Never mind.”

  “No, what?” I asked.

  “What do you think of me?” he said, rushed.

  His face had turned back toward the water, so I couldn’t see what exactly he meant.

  I looked at my feet. “I think you’re Coop,” I said. “You just… are.”

  “Do you think I’m just here with you because you’re sick? Because it’s not just because you’re sick.” He had his hands wrapped around his ankles, twisting, nervous. A funny thing to do with all those muscles, the boy inside coming out.

  “No,” I said, and he turned. “I just think you’ve been a good friend to me.”

  “Yeah, good,” he said, nodding.

  A bug jumped into his hair. I couldn’t get it, quite, but I brushed it out. He touched his hair where my fingers had been. “A bug,” I said. “It’s gone.”

  I pushed my glasses up my nose.

  “I missed you,” he said suddenly, and shrugged like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  “I missed you, too,” I said, also quick. But too quick for how big that feeling was, for how long we had stayed away. I hoped he would come back every day from then on, even though he didn’t like Stuart, and we could have adventures, or just say hello, at least. I wonder what that meant. I took a deep breath and said, “We were different people for a while, but now we’re not. Right?”

  “Right. Well, kind of.” He was looking at me, but not quite at my face. I blushed.

  We stood. The sun had started warming the water, the rocks.

  And then we made that circle I talked about, the one we always used to make on summer days like these.

  Down the mountain, to the creek, to outside the general store to talk to Fast Eddy (he told us it was nice to see us again, but he had noticed Coop’s Blazer speeding several times, he’ll let it slide—thanks, Eddy). We had sweat through our shirts by the time we went inside.

  There were two Dr Peppers left. “Oh, good,” Coop said, opening the cooler door. “We don’t have to fight.”

  “Let me in there with you, I’m burning up.”

  We stood as close to the racks as we could, our shoulders pressed together, sticking our faces near the sodas.

  Then farther down the creek to drink them. Mine had been shaken up where Coop had kept it in his pocket, so when he opened it for me, it sprayed both of us. We used creek water to get the sticky stuff off our skin, then went up the mountain again. Coop gave me a piggyback ride. I laid my cheek on his back. He was sweaty again, but I didn’t care.

  When we got home, Coop showed Bette and Davy all the wonders of Captain Stickman in the front yard.

  He kneeled and handed them both long sticks we found near the tree line.

  “I now pass the mantle of Captain Stickman to you, Davienne McCoy, and to you, Bette McCoy. Amen.”

  “Remember, you can be Captain Stickwoman, you don’t have to be Captain Stickman,” I told them.

  “Friend to all humans and animals,” Coop said.

  “Amen,” I repeated.

  “Ayyyyy-men!” Davy said, and took her stick.

  “Ay-women,” Bette said, and took hers as well.

  “Exactly,” I told her.

  Then we came inside, and after Coop used the bathroom, he saw my note to myself and asked, “What’s that?”

  I told him the toothbrush trick, and he had an idea, which I think he can explain better himself.

  hello esteemed memory book, cooper lind here, ladykiller and connoisseur of dank weed. anyway i was thinking after seeing sammie’s pasting of stuff on the wall, her notes to herself, maybe it would be a cool idea to paste things all over her house, to help her remember. not just labeling, but more like a memory book of the house? maybe long term memories will help her better access short term? i don’t know, i’m no doctor, but take the bathroom for example: she can have her practical notes to herself, but also a story about a time she had there. like, on the tub, “here’s where sammie and cooper once put kool-aid in the tub when they were six, because they wanted to take a kool-aid bath, and they were grounded from seeing each other for two weeks.” that kind of thing.

  Sammie here again. Here are some of them:

  On the fridge door: What time is it? If it’s 11:30, it’s lunchtime and you can have whatever you want! If it’s earlier than that, you already had breakfast. If it’s later than that, wait for a bit. Mom and Dad will make you dinner. Chocolate milk: anytime!

  Once, Harry used one of Sammie’s old chocolate milk cartons to mix wheat paste to use as glue for his “time machine” science project. He had it clearly labeled WHEAT PASTE DON’T DRINK, but Sammie had her nose in a Redwall book and wasn’t paying attention while she grabbed it and took a big mouthful of wheat paste! She spit it all over the fridge door. When she went to go get a rag to clean it up, Davy had thought it felt neat and smeared glitter all over it. Fun fact: that’s why it looks like a unicorn threw up on the door of the fridge!

  Above Puppy’s food bowl: Puppy doesn’t need food! Harry already fed him this morning, and will feed him later tonight.

  Remember when Coop thought it would be a good idea to do a “Puppy Easter egg hunt,” but instead of Easter eggs, he used uncooked hot dogs? He put uncooked hot dogs around the house to see if Puppy would find them. And Puppy did find them, except for one, which Mom found later in the washing machine. Coop is sorry about that.

  On my mirror: Good morning, Sammie! Mom and Dad will be coming in shortly to say hello.

  Remember when you picked out this mirror and dresser when you were six? You had been sharing this room with Harry,
and for your birthday, everyone decided it was time for you to get your own room. So we went to the flea market in Lebanon, just you and Mom and Dad while the kids stayed with Mrs. Lind, and you found this dresser and mirror within minutes of being there. Mom and Dad tried to tell you that it looked clunky and old-fashioned for a little girl but you knew what you wanted, so they trusted you and put it in the back of the truck and let you ride home with it in the back the whole way. Besides your books, it was the first two things in this house that were fully yours.

  Now we’re just lounging after dinner in my room. Coop’s been reading the trainer’s manual for his new job fixing equipment during the off-season at the ski resort, which he’ll start next week.

  He went to get a glass of water from the kitchen.

  I didn’t forget anything today.

  In fact, I’ve been really good for the past couple of days since Coop has been around.

  I feel strange in my stomach, but not a bad kind of strange, sort of, like, butterflies, at the idea of Coop being in my room late at night. How cheesy is that? Okay, he’s coming back.

  So…

  so

  How’s that water?

  delicious. want some

  Yes.

  Thank you.

  What’s up?

  lol

  Now you’re the one who’s typing lol when you could just laugh.

  yeah but your parents just came in to check on you, which means we’re not supposed to laugh

  That’s not what that means.

  does that mean you should go to sleep and i should go home

  No! Don’t go yet.

  are you going to fall asleep

  No way.

  you look sleepy

  It’s because I’m staring at a computer screen, dorkus.

  look at me

  …

  See?

  nah you look sleepy

  I’m wide awake.

  what do you want to do now

  I don’t know, what do you want to do?

  how are you feeling

  So fresh, actually. Really good.

  are you up for another field trip

  Where?

  guess

  Potholes?

  duh

  Yeah.

  are you sure? you gonna be okay?

  Yeah, I took all my meds. And you know what to do if I can’t remember stuff.

  yeah plus i actually am a first responder

  What?? Really? You know CPR and everything?

  yeah

  When did that happen?

  i took a class

  When?

  that night i drove you home from the side of the road your parents told me you weren’t supposed to hang out unless it was with someone who was certified. so i took a class. i even have a card! i’m a card-carrying member

  I don’t know what to say. Thank you, Coop.

  :)

  :)

  Let’s go.

  you ready?

  Yeah.

  HIGHWAY 89 REVISITED

  I just have to say this one thing while I’m sitting next to Coop in his car and we’re on our way to the Potholes, and I’m not sure how to say it, but I’m looking at Coop with the wind going through his hair, and through my hair, and there’s no music, just the sound of crickets and leaves and tires on the road, and he’s telling me to get off my phone, and I will but just let me write this, I just want you to remember this, Future Sam.

  Coop is lying asleep next to me on a blanket on the ground.

  We were lying next to each other, telling jokes, and when we ran out of jokes we were both sort of shaky and awkward, not like usual. The crickets were out. Frogs splashed in the water nearby. Coop he asked me if he could tell me something.

  And I said yes.

  I didn’t have to respond, he said, but he needed to tell me, especially with everything going on.

  He scooted closer to me and I smelled strawberries. The frogs got louder. I burst out laughing because I was so nervous, and he asked, why was I laughing?

  Because I’m nervous.

  Why are you nervous?

  Aren’t you nervous? I asked him.

  Yes, but I know why I’m nervous. Why do you think I’m nervous?

  I don’t know, I said, but I have an idea, because I might be nervous for the same reason.

  Well, in that case, Coop said, and he hoisted himself to lean on his arm, looking over at me, and we were no longer just saying words into the sky. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times, and swallowed.

  I have feelings for you, he said.

  Oh yeah?

  Not just a friendship feeling.

  How weird it is that you have no idea what love is until it happens, and then you’re like that’s it, wow, there it is! It was there the whole time. Like a hidden image in one of those optical illusion books. When I took his hand. When he sat across from me in the ceramics studio, his eyes on me. When he and I were giants.

  We don’t have to talk about it, he said. I just wanted to at least bring it up.

  No I’m glad you did.

  Coop swallowed again, and put his full hand on my cheek, then took it away. I wanted him to bring it back.

  I think I have them, too, I told him.

  When did that happen for you? he asked.

  In the bedroom just now, I answered. When did that happen for you?

  When I was twelve, he said.

  And you still have them? I asked, and I moved closer to him.

  I still have them, he answered.

  And you have them for sure? he asked me.

  I have them for sure, I answered.

  I love you, Sammie, he said. I’ve loved you for a long time.

  I love you, too.

  And by now our lips were basically brushing against each other’s as the words came out of our mouths, and we were practically kissing, but when we did actually kiss it felt like I was drinking warm honey right to my gut, spilling out around me.

  He put his hand on my stomach, right below my ribs and moved upward and I felt every millimeter and it was another time I wondered how the brain could work so well and move so slowly at the same time.

  We shifted my body on top of his and my hair hung on his face, and he brushed it away, and I kissed his neck, and he rolled me on my back and kissed my neck, and then down on top of my shirt, to my waist, and then onto the skin between my shirt and my jeans, and he unbuttoned my jeans, and there was more, there was more.

  As Coop was touching me it was like my muscles started climbing big steps, and I was breathing really fast and Coop asked if I was all right, if I wanted to keep going, and yes I wanted to keep going. All of a sudden I was at the top of the steps. I knew I was at the top because between my legs there was something I can only describe as a feeling as strong as pain but the exact opposite of pain, or maybe I could say that Coop’s fingers turned my body into a camera flash, hot and fast and bright, something you knew was coming but surprises you anyway.

  After, in my mind, there was gratitude that I climbed with Coop, that I found who I was supposed to find, that what we did on the blanket was true and correct and just ours. Just me and Coop’s.

  This is the story I will tell over and over.

  I’m tired but only in my body.

  I’m not tired anywhere else.

  BAD

  I fell asleep next to Coop and it was the stupidest thing to do, well, not what we did before, before that was the best night of my fucking life, but I wish we had gotten in the Blazer right away after, but it was so nice to fall asleep with my arms around his hard warm chest

  So I wasn’t home when Mom checked on me in the morning, and found an empty bed, she almost fainted she said

  She called Coop but of course he didn’t answer because we were asleep

  So then she assumed I had gone somewhere with Stuart because he was supposed to have gotten home last night

  She called Stuart and he said, yes he was home, but
I wasn’t with him

  She called the cops

  The cops told Mom they couldn’t search for me until I was missing for forty-eight hours, and she couldn’t go out to find me because Dad had already gone to work, and she couldn’t leave the kids

  So she called Stuart again and he went looking for me everywhere, first to Maddie’s, then to school, then around town

  Meanwhile Coop and I woke up

  Well, he woke up, I didn’t know where I was

  I knew I was at the Potholes, and I knew Coop, but I couldn’t remember what we had done at first or how we had gotten there, but I was feeling really good for some reason, I remember, and I gave him a hug, and he tried to bring me back and tell me everything

  As he did that Stuart called me and I picked up because that’s what people do when someone calls them

  I shouldn’t have picked up

  WHERE ARE YOU

  I told him where I was because that’s what people do when someone asks them

  I was just being stupid, not Sammie, who is usually very smart

  STAY WHERE YOU ARE I remember him saying

  When Stuart got to the Potholes, Coop and I were sitting on the blanket together and my memory was returning, especially the part where I loved him, and he had his hand on my back, rubbing my back, and everything was good until

  We saw Stuart and stood up

  His eyes went from us, to the blanket, to our messy hair and our socks and shoes next to us

  Stuart made a fist

  He hit Coop so hard

  He hit Coop so hard in the face that Coop’s mouth and nose were bleeding and tears came out of his eyes

  Tears came out of my eyes

  WHAT THE FUCK Stuart yelled