“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” Psalm 103:8
I read and re-read the material Coleman had given me and it seemed to me that Lee had all the symptoms of a disorder called NPD.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. They react to criticism with rage, shame or humiliation. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism. (Mayo Clinic)
All the things I read really summed him up. Now I understood why he so easily disregarded my children’s and my feelings and he reacted with rage over the most insignificant things. For the first time, I realized it wasn’t me. I wasn’t crazy! I finally had a name for the way Lee acted, and I couldn’t live with him anymore or put my children through it. They had suffered enough. Several days after we returned from the camping trip I demanded Lee move out of my house.
He gave me one excuse after another why he couldn’t leave. “I have nowhere to move.”
“Your mother owns a five-bedroom house less than thirty minutes from here. I’m sure she won’t mind you living with her.”
Weeks went by and Lee still wouldn’t budge. I tried to keep the kids away from him as much as possible, and when I worked I took them over to my mom’s so they wouldn’t have to stay in the same house with him. At night, he slept on the couch, but still he wouldn’t leave.
My oldest son had left for Hawaii several weeks earlier to spend the summer with my brother Rob. I was glad he wouldn’t have to put up with Lee anymore. And I was hoping Lee would be out of the house by the time Jeremy returned.
A few weeks later, out of desperation, I called Lee’s younger brother, Ray. We met for coffee, “I am ready to leave Lee and I can’t get him to move. Is there any way you can help me get him out?”
“What took you so long? He can stay at Moms.”
“He refuses to. He says he wants his own place.”
“I care about you and the kids I always have and I’ve noticed the way Lee treats you guys. What can I do to help?”
“Would you lend Lee some money to move into an apartment? Although you know you will never see it again.”
Ray gave me a hug and assured me he would get Lee out of my home. He wouldn’t mention to Lee he and I had talked.
A few days after my visit, Lee began packing his belongings while I sat on the porch watching him. Peace resonated through me. I felt no guilt watching him move out, my only regret was that he hadn’t left earlier.
“Do you know what day it is?” He asked.
“Yea it’s Saturday.”
“Today is our fifth anniversary.”
“It couldn’t be more perfect,” I said, with a huge grin on my face.
Later that day after putting Ashley to bed the other kids and I celebrated. We ate pizza and laughed, it was wonderful. We all felt a sense of peace something we hadn’t felt in a long time. I couldn’t wait to call Jeremy and share the happy news.
“Guess who finally moved out?”
“Is Lee finally gone? I can’t wait to come home. What a relief. I’m so glad I will never have to live with him again.”
“That’s right, you won’t because first thing Monday morning I am going to the courthouse to file for divorce.”
“That’s great, Mom. You made the right decision, I’m so proud of you, and by the way I love you.”
One of the first things I did shortly after Lee left was to call my old prayer partner, Rosa. We talked about everything we had been through and how our Tuesday morning prayer sessions had led us on a path that helped us heal, confront and forgive our abusers.
“True recovery involves hard work, but all the time and effort is worth it. I never realized how much the past has to do with the choices we make in our lives and even though I have made a lot of mistakes I have learned that God loves me just as I am. Recovery is an ongoing process and I am willing to look at myself and change in the areas where God shows me I need to. I know I’ll probably never have another chance to be in a healthy relationship and do it the right way. But I sure hope I can change the future for my kids so they won’t make the same mistakes I have.”
“Thankfully, you starting believing that God loved you unconditionally and it helped you to stop hating yourself. You were able to begin to love the person God created you to be and to see yourself as God sees you.” Rosa shared with me. “You are only thirty-five, still a young woman. Don’t give up on relationships. I know God will somehow repay you for all that’s been done to you.
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.” Joel 2:25-26
“Seriously, I am not interested in another relationship at this time in my life. I just want to be the best mom I can be for my kids and grow in my love for the Lord.”
I had always been honest with my children about my struggles. They in turn shared their hearts with me. They had watched me faithfully attend church and Bible study over the years. They saw me pray and they listened as I shared answered prayers with them. My journey with God continued to bloom. There were no secrets in our home. As soon as my children were old enough I told them about their Grandpa Bob and how God was continuing to heal me. I knew my dad and I would never have a normal father-daughter bond, but I continued to pray for him. We saw each other infrequently, throughout the years.
Time passed as I waited for the divorce to become final. I reluctantly got used to sharing my three-year-old with Lee, although I didn’t like being separated from her. I found myself occasionally worried he would run off with her. However, I knew I had to put my trust in the Lord.
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
The kids felt a huge sense of relief with Lee being out of our home. Just having him gone helped to heal some of the damage that he had done to them. They began to relax, and I could sense a real peace in their lives. Jeremy would be coming home in a couple weeks and we were looking forward to his return. In just six short weeks, autumn would bring cool rains, red and gold leaves, and early nights.
34
My Brother’s Friend
“No eye has seen; no ear has heard and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Shortly before Jeremy was due to come home my younger brother Dave called. “Bring the kids over to my house on Saturday. You remember my old friend, Cary Wheeland? He will be in town. I’m having a barbecue for him, his mom and brother.”
“I’m off on Saturday. The kids and I will be there.”
“Cary just got back from Hawaii. He went with our old high school friend, Becky and they stayed with Rob. He met Jeremy and has a photo of him he wants to show you.”
As I hung up the phone my thoughts drifted back to the childhood friend of my brother, I hadn’t seen for twenty years. Dave had given me updates on him throughout the years. He graduated from a college in Colorado, then immediately accepted a job in California. He had been living there ever since and he and Dave had remained good friends.
Saturday came quickly, gathering up my children, I headed out to spend the day with my brother. The kids and I were walki
ng to the front door when an older woman approached us.
She immediately introduced herself. “Hi, I’m Lorraine, Cary’s mom.”
“I’m Dave’s sister, Debbie, glad to finally meet you.”
“Cary and Becky were in Hawaii together. Maybe she is the one!” Lorraine said.
“After all he is thirty-two, it’s about time he got married.
“Who knows, maybe she is the one,” I smiled.
My mom greeted me as soon as I got inside and the kids instantly took off to find their cousins. It felt good to be surrounded by my family. Just then a handsome, distinguished-looking man reached out and shook my hand.
“Hi, it’s good to see you after all these years.”
“Hello, you must be Cary, I would never have recognized you.”
“Even though I haven’t seen you in twenty years, I would’ve known you anywhere. By the way, I have a photograph of Jeremy. Do you want to see it?”
“Of course, I do. I really miss him.” We made small talk and I found myself enjoying him.
There was something about the way he looked at me, his eyes never left mine. It felt as if he were hanging on to every word I said. In just a few seconds he made me feel like I was the most important person in the room.
“It was a pleasure meeting your son, he’s a good kid. Jeremy is a good-looking boy and well mannered. He looks so young, he must take after his mom,” Cary laughed nervously.
“Thank you,” I blushed. “This is the longest I’ve gone without seeing him. I can’t wait for him to come home.”
I studied the picture, Cary and Becky stood side by side, Rob, was next to them with his arm around my son, who would turn seventeen in a month. I handed it back to him.
“Keep it. I brought it for you, and I was looking forward to seeing you.”
Holding it to my heart, “Thanks I appreciate your thoughtfulness.”
Over the course of the evening I introduced him to the other kids and shared a little about what I had been doing the last twenty years. I met his brother, Lance and family who had driven seventy miles from Denver to be there.
While the children mingled with their cousins, I could hear music playing in the background. My mother called me over. “Cary’s such a nice man. You should ask him to dance!”
“But, Mom nobody’s dancing. He’s not going to want to dance with me.”
“Just ask him!” Mom was very persistent.
Always trying to please my mother, I walked over to Cary and gestured toward him. “Hey you want to dance?”
“Sure,” he said, taking my hands in his.
I was surprised he had agreed so quickly. He twirled me around in the middle of the living room. All the while his pesky, eight-year-old niece tried to break in between us. We laughed and continued dancing. I can still recall the song that was playing that day, All I want to do is make love to you, by Heart.
After our hamburgers were eaten, the night was still young and Dave suggested we go to a local club to dance. I was in the downstairs bathroom reapplying my make-up when Becky walked in. We made introductions.
“Did you have fun in Hawaii with Cary?”
“Are you kidding? What kind of guy goes to Hawaii and forgets his bathing suit? Truthfully, I would have had more fun with one of your brothers.”
Chuckling, we headed out the door.
While the music was blaring and the lights grew dim I began swaying to the rhythm. After a few songs, Cary made his way towards me, holding out his hands to me. “Would you like to dance?”
Spinning me around the dance floor he kept repeating, “Keep your arms taut, keep your arms taut!”
“That must be a college word. Since I didn’t go to college, I don’t know what “taut” means,” I joked.
“Keep your arms tight, I’m trying to teach you a dance move.”
He continued to spin me, dip me, and twirl me around the dance floor. The evening proved to be a lot of fun dancing with my brother, Cary’s brother, and a few more times with Cary.
“Thanks for the lesson. It was a lot of fun,” I said to Dave’s friend as the last song played.
Early the next morning Cary, Becky, Dave, his kids, my kids and I made plans to drive to Denver and eat at a historical Mexican restaurant, Casa Bonita. While sitting around the table, I decided I should get to know Dave’s best friend a little better. After all, he was a good dancer. I laughed at my thoughts.
“Over the years my brother would bring your name up and I often asked him about you. The last memory I have is right after your dad died. My sister and I were walking back from your house. I was pushing Jeremy in a stroller. You and Dave walked in front of us. Do you remember that?”
“Yes, I do. It was a pretty hard time for me. My dad had just passed. It was two months before I graduated from high school.”
“I felt so bad for you. What did you do after that?”
“My mom and dad had been divorced for about three years, Mom remarried and moved to Nebraska so my oldest brother, Rod and his wife moved in with me till school was over.”
“Dave said you graduated from a University, where was that?”
“Western State, it’s about three hours from Denver. It was a great experience for me.”
“So, what are you doing now?”
“I work for a food management company and I feed college kids, we provide food for museums, and corporations too. But enough about me, I want to hear about you.”
Cary moved a little closer to me and looked me straight in the eyes. I began to feel giddy. There it was again. He was totally focused on me and once again made me feel like the most important person in the room. Shivers ran down my spine and I started to speak as if my tongue was tied. “I’m, I, I’m sure my brother told you I’m divorced, twice, actually. You knew Kenny, my first husband, right? He lived around the corner from both of us?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t remember him? Back in high school he had a reputation for being a bully and a fighter.”
“Yea, that’s him. Unfortunately, he never changed. I finally realized the kids and I deserved to be treated better. I am blessed because I have three great children from him. My relationship with Ashley’s dad was pretty dysfunctional, too.” I said, pointing to my three-year-old who was sitting on my lap.
“I work at Safeway in the meat and seafood department and I really enjoy my job. You know my family and now that you’ve met Jeremy, you know everybody.”
“They seem like great kids. You’ve done a good job with them. Jeremy was very considerate. Both his uncles bragged about how responsible and generous he is. It was nice getting to know him.”
“Mommy, can we go see the puppet show now?” Ashley asked, tugging at my shirtsleeve.
“All right, let’s go and have some fun!”
Cary walked with me as I rounded up the other kids and we went to find the puppets.
Soon the evening was over and we headed to our cars. Cary hugged me. “Thanks for coming, it was great spending time with you and your children.”
I watched him drive away with Becky. On the drive home, the kids said, “We had a good time. Cary is so nice.”
I nodded my head in agreement. He was easy to talk to and I felt so comfortable with him. I wish the evening hadn’t ended so early.
I clocked in at work for the first shift shortly before the store opened the next morning. Putting on my apron and hat, I set up the meat and fish counter while cheerfully greeting my customers, most of them by name. Soon I found myself daydreaming about the events of the last couple of days. Just then a shrill ring interrupted my pleasant thoughts.
A harsh voice screamed at me from the telephone. I cringed as I recognized the voice of Lee. “I’m tired of you giving me the run around. I want to see my daughter more. Why didn’t you let me have her while you worked today? I swear
I’ll hire a new lawyer and get full custody,” he threatened.
Recoiling, my heart went numb. Fearfully, I said, “I should have called. I’ll try harder to work things out with you. I’m sorry. No, no please don’t call a lawyer.” Why was I giving in again? What was I afraid of? I had never learned how to stand up for myself with the abusive men in my past. Why did I allow them to still have control over me?
After hanging up the phone and wiping my tears, I tried to put on a friendly smile while I wrapped fish for the customers.
A few minutes later, I looked up and saw Cary with a big smile on his face coming down the aisle towards me. Strolling in his direction, I could tell he was visibly nervous. He stopped, looked at me and fumbled in his pocket. Pulling out his business card he extended it towards me. “Debbie Griswold, there’s something about those eyes. There’s always been something about your eyes.” Gazing steadfastly at me he continued, “I have to admit I asked Dave about you pretty often. I had the biggest crush on you when I was in junior high and high school. Whenever I would come to your house I was secretly hoping you would be there too. I was glad I stayed with Rob for a couple of days. It gave me a chance to meet your son and look at pictures of you and your kids. You’re still as beautiful as you were when I first laid eyes on you twenty years ago!”
I blushed, “thank you.”
Cary paused and repeated the words that moved me. “Like I said, there’s something about those eyes. He reached out to me and his eyes never left mine. “Will you call me?”
“Of course, I would welcome a nice man in my life.” I took the card.
“I’m heading back to California late tonight and I wanted to come and say goodbye.”
He hugged me and looked at me in a way that I had never been looked at before. “Please call me.”
I watched him walk away. Wow, what a nice guy. I’ve never met anyone like him before. Why would this successful, kind, attractive man be interested in me, a twice-divorced mother of four?
It was nearly quitting time when the phone rang again. Remembering my last conversation, I was almost too afraid to answer it.
Something About Those Eyes Page 26