Sawyer paced back and forth in front of Travis, his mind going ninety miles a minute as he tried to calm himself down.
“You good now?” Travis asked.
No, he wasn’t. Not by a long shot.
Sawyer looked up to see Travis leaning casually against one of the wood posts that supported the small covered area in front of Moonshiners.
“Go home,” Gage instructed Sawyer when he joined them a second later.
What the fuck did the guy think he was going to do? He fumbled with his key fob in his pocket, making his way over to his car. Trying to unlock his car, Sawyer could hardly hit the button on the remote because his hands were still shaking.
“That’s where I’m headed,” Sawyer assured him.
“Don’t make me come bail you out of jail,” Travis threatened.
Sawyer hoped it didn’t come to that, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep everything inside. He hated the bullshit that people spouted. He fucking hated that he lived in a town where so many people were closed-minded assholes who didn’t have the decency to keep their opinions to themselves.
He fucking hated it.
“Hey.”
The sound of Ethan’s voice broke through the red haze that was quickly creeping back in. Sawyer turned to face him. “Hey.”
It took a moment to realize that Travis and Gage were now gone, but Ethan wasn’t the only person standing close by. He glanced over and noticed Beau Bennett, his hands in his pockets as he stared back at him.
“Thanks,” Ethan said quietly, his arms crossed over his chest.
“For what? Making an ass of myself? Letting that fucker get to me?”
Ethan grinned, it was barely visible, but Sawyer saw it. “No, for giving a shit.”
“We all give a shit,” Sawyer assured him. “If they knew, they’d have done the same thing.”
“I know. That’s what I worry about.”
Sawyer nodded, understanding. He glanced over at Beau and then back at Ethan. Was that the reason Reardon had mouthed off? Was there something going on with these two that Sawyer hadn’t noticed?
As though Ethan knew what he was thinking, his younger brother glanced over at Beau and then back to Sawyer.
“It’s all good,” Ethan said softly. “Don’t let them get to you.”
“Easy for you to say,” Sawyer said snidely, noticing the anger that pierced Ethan’s face. “Shit. Sorry.”
A moment of silence lingered between them before Ethan finally turned and walked away, Beau not far behind. Both men went to their separate vehicles, but Sawyer knew that when he passed Ethan’s house in a bit, they’d both be parked out front.
For some reason, that eased some of the tension in his chest. Sawyer liked Beau, although… Beau was gay? He’d had no idea. And how the hell had he missed that?
“Beau,” Sawyer called out as the big man passed by the front of his car. When Beau turned back, Sawyer met his gaze, “Keep an eye on him for me, would ya?”
“Absolutely.”
Sawyer nodded his appreciation and then climbed into his car. When he reached for the steering wheel, pain shot through his hand. He glanced down and noticed the knuckles on his right hand were bleeding. Yep, it’d been a while since he’d thrown a punch, but damn it had felt good. Shit, if it hadn’t been for Travis and Gage, he’d have managed to release years’ worth of frustration on Jimmy’s fucked up face.
Strange. A part of him wished for the opportunity to present itself again. But a stronger part prayed that it didn’t. Sawyer knew without a doubt if Jimmy did anything to hurt Ethan again, the loser would prefer the wrath of God over what Sawyer would do to him.
Chapter Twenty Two
♂♂
Had it required more than fifteen minutes to get home from Moonshiners, Ethan wasn’t sure he would’ve made it. He was a jumble of emotions. Anger and hate were amongst the most prevalent that slid through his veins like sludge.
Add that to the mixture of adrenaline and lust, and he was a complete fucking mess. Between Sawyer standing up for him and Beau gearing up to do battle, he was hardly able to contain all of the fury that raged war inside of him.
All of this… because of him. He was the reason for the hate and the anger, the bitterness and the nasty fucking words. Didn’t matter that his oldest brother was bisexual, it all seemed to be centered on him.
He fucking hated it. Hated that he had to hide, that he wasn’t free to live his life or love who he wanted all because of the closed-minded assholes that lived in this town. If he were smart, he’d have left long ago.
But he couldn’t. Couldn’t bring himself to leave his parents or his brothers. That’s not what a Walker did. Even if it was in an effort to protect them.
Did that make him selfish? That he cared more for his family than what they had to endure from the bigots who insisted on getting in their jabs?
Maybe.
Probably.
He remembered watching Beau fall into step with his brothers to confront Jimmy’s dumbass comment. Torn between lust and fear, Ethan hadn’t been able to think of anything other than protecting Beau. Making sure he didn’t come face to face with the nastiness that was Jimmy Reardon.
Not to mention, he’d been hit right between the eyes with a bolt of lust so powerful, he’d been surprised to find he wasn’t flat on the floor.
The guy was hot as hell and when he moved in to defend Ethan – because Beau would’ve been the only one other than Sawyer who could put two and two together to realize that Jimmy had been talking to him, simply because Ricky had been present – he hadn’t known quite what to do or think.
At first, fear had lit him up like a roman candle. He had worried that Sawyer was going to let go of the rage he’d bottled up inside over the incident from years ago. And yes, it was Ethan’s fault because he had begged his brother not to say anything to anyone. And to this day, Ethan knew he hadn’t. Sawyer was loyal like that.
But Ethan had also worried about Beau. Worried that he was going to say something that would have the assholes turning on him. Ethan would much rather take the brunt of their hate than for Beau to have to experience even an ounce of it. But Beau hadn’t overreacted. He’d kept a lid on his anger although it was palpable, right along with everyone else’s.
And now, as Ethan pushed open his front door, the heavy wood slamming against the wall behind it, he was full of rage. But more than that, he needed Beau. Was anxious to see him again, to touch him, feel him, release all of the pent-up anxiety on him because he knew Beau could handle it. Anything to help him forget all of the memories that flooded him when he’d seen Jimmy. The sight of Gavin’s older brother brought back the horror of that night, but worse, it brought back memories of what had happened after. The event that no one spoke about.
So yes, Ethan needed Beau. He needed the distraction. As it was, Ethan had given himself a pep talk, a very vivid reminder that what he and Beau shared was nothing more than physical attraction and as happy as he’d been to see Beau at Moonshiners, he had to remember that they couldn’t do public outings. Especially not together.
This was temporary. Lust induced. Only sex. Ethan was not falling for Beau. Didn’t matter that he didn’t believe a fucking word he told himself. He didn’t have a choice. It was in everyone’s best interest if Ethan remained on the periphery of everyone’s thoughts. Tonight was evidence of how crucial it was for Ethan to remember that.
There was no way he could give in to the other emotions that had made a prevalent appearance when Beau had barreled his way into his life. As much as he wanted to be that guy, he had to remember that the Jimmy Reardons and the Ricky Dillingers of the world were out in full force, and the last thing Ethan wanted to do was to drag his family’s good name, or Beau for that matter, through the mud because of who he was.
As it was, they already had to carry the weight of the resort and that lifestyle that his brothers had indulged in. Strange how people were more accepting of that than th
ey were of him being gay.
The knock on Ethan’s front door set off a hammer in his chest. His heart pounded, the fury trickling through his veins like it was being fed intravenously.
His stomach twisted, an all-out assault on his nervous system that made his hands shake, his chest hurt.
“Open the door, E.” Beau’s deep voice slipped through the barrier of the door and penetrated something deep inside of Ethan.
Despite the personal demons he knew he would always face with the dawn of another day, Ethan wanted to shut out the world behind his front door and cherish the time he had with Beau tonight. It was all he should be thinking about.
Opening the door, he tried to appear cool and collected, a skill he’d honed over the years, but he knew he hadn’t succeeded as soon as Beau’s golden eyebrows furrowed.
“Come in,” he grumbled, taking a step back so Beau could enter.
When Beau was inside, Ethan shut and locked the door before thrusting his hands into his pockets to keep from grabbing the handsome man now standing in the entryway. Gotta play it cool, Walker.
“You all right?” Beau asked as he dropped a duffel bag onto the floor at his feet, a suspicious gleam in his dark brown eyes.
He took a deep breath, let it out. Leaning back against the door, he let his head thump against the wood, but even that pain didn’t slow the slow boil from the anger.
“No,” he finally said, opening his eyes to peer at Beau. “I’m not fucking all right. I’ll never fucking be all right.”
What the hell was wrong with him? This was Beau. He was supposed to be seducing him, getting him naked and ravishing him while he had the chance, but he couldn’t seem to get past the rage welling up inside of him.
Everything seemed to be coming to a head. Between Blake’s comments last night, his own insecurities over the way he feared Beau was handling him and now the altercation tonight. He was losing the battle. His sanity was on the line, and one more misstep and Ethan feared he would totally lose it.
Pushing off the door, he started past Beau but was pulled up short. Beau’s hand was firm, yet not painful, on his arm, but Ethan couldn’t contain his body’s natural reaction. Spinning around, he shoved Beau hard.
Fuck. What was wrong with him?
Before he could apologize, he found himself up against the wall, his cheek pressed against the sheetrock while Beau’s massive body crowded him from behind.
He waited for Beau to lay into him, to tell him he wanted no part of the anger, but that’s not what came. For long, silent seconds, they stood there, Beau restraining him while he fought to breathe.
“I get it,” Beau whispered, his lips pressing softly against his ear. “I’m not here to fight you though.”
“You get what?” Ethan snapped, twisting hard, but unable to escape Beau’s uncompromising grip.
Beau’s grip tightened on Ethan’s hands now clasped behind his back between them.
“I get that you’re angry,” Beau said, his voice still smooth and steady, completely the opposite of the turmoil raging inside of Ethan.
“How the fuck can you be so calm? It doesn’t fucking bother you what they say? That one day they could be saying that about you? That you could be the one they target? You’ve never had the shit beaten out of you because you’re gay, have you?” Ethan was practically yelling the words, the anger intensifying the more he spoke.
He didn’t give a shit that he was telling Beau things he swore he’d never tell anyone.
“Is that what happened to you?” Beau asked, his body pressing intimately against him.
Ethan sucked in air, tried to clear his brain, but he failed. His emotions were strangling him to the point he thought he might choke to death from the weight of them.
“Talk to me, E.”
“Let me go.”
“Not gonna happen.”
The knowledge that Beau wasn’t going to let up, he was there for the duration, prepared to endure Ethan’s anger, had something loosening in his chest. The air still rushed in and out of his lungs, and his heart still pounded like a jackhammer in his chest, but the comfort came by way of Beau’s body against his.
Beau rested his forehead against the back of Ethan’s head and the gesture calmed him like nothing else. When his hands loosened on Ethan’s wrists, he found himself not moving, not trying to get away. Instead, he linked his fingers with Beau’s and held on tight. This man was like an anchor, keeping him afloat in the dark, deadly waters that threatened to suck him under. He didn’t want to go under. Hell, he wanted to get out of the water forever, to walk in the sun, but that didn’t seem to be an option.
“I’m sorry you had to be there for that,” Ethan said as they stood there in silence.
Beau stepped back, and the warm security of his body was ripped from him, making his hands shake, but before he could build up the anger again, Ethan was being turned so that he faced Beau fully.
“I’m not. I want to be with you,” Beau said. “Shut up,” he snapped when Ethan started to talk. “Let me finish.”
Ethan knew he looked shocked, but he couldn’t help it.
“I want to be with you. By your side. I don’t want us to have to hide, but I understand. Doesn’t mean I agree with it, and it doesn’t mean I’ll do it forever, but for now, I’m here. With you. Only you.”
Ethan stared into mocha colored eyes that were so rich, so warm, he thought he might lose himself in them for eternity.
“You don’t know what you’re asking for,” he said when it was clear Beau was finished.
“I know exactly what I’m asking for. Never doubt me, E,” Beau stated with a hard edge. “People often underestimate me. You shouldn’t.”
“So what? You were willing to jump in there and get your ass handed to you just to defend me?”
“Trust me when I say, I won’t get my ass handed to me.”
Why did the guy sound so sure of himself? It had happened to Ethan. Then again, it had happened when he was just a kid. Young and stupid and unashamedly naïve. Not anymore. He’d managed to erect that steel wall around his heart to keep others out and to keep himself locked in.
“And when you decide to talk to me, just know I’m here to listen.”
Ethan stared back at Beau, all of the fight draining out of him completely. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to argue. He just wanted… to feel. God, he just wanted to feel.
A brief head nod was all he could muster. After recalling what Beau had said to him earlier – Beau’s extremely graphic description of the things they’d done the day before, Ethan was having a difficult time concentrating on anything else. And he welcomed the opportunity to forget everything that had just happened at Moonshiners.
“I don’t want to talk,” Ethan told him.
“Tell me what you do want then,” Beau said, moving in closer until they were aligned from knee to chest.
“You. I want you. I want you to take my mind off of it all.”
“I can do that,” Beau whispered, leaning in. “But I’m not going to be rough with you. Not this time.”
Ethan wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that. Rough, no-holds-barred sex was the easiest way to wipe away all of the memories. If Beau was gentle and tender, the way they had been the first time, Ethan wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep himself distanced from him the way he needed.
“So take it or leave it, E. You’ve got me. As long as you want me. But tonight I want to take my time with you.”
Without talking, mainly because he didn’t know what the fuck to even say, Ethan grabbed Beau’s hand and led him to the stairs. It was his silent acceptance. He couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud, but he knew Beau understood.
Once they made their way up the stairs, Ethan’s nerves kicked in full throttle, but he didn’t falter as he led the way. He was pulled up short on his way to the bed, and he turned to face Beau, confused.
“Not yet. Shower first.”
“I already took a s
hower,” Ethan argued, although he wasn’t against the idea of showering with Beau. Maybe the heat of the water would loosen the rest of the strain in his muscles.
“Don’t argue with me, Walker,” Beau quipped with a sexy grin.
Ethan read the desire in Beau’s eyes and his pulse sped up, but this time it wasn’t fueled by anger. No, this was pure, unadulterated lust. And truthfully, Ethan was more than happy to put himself in Beau’s capable hands so to speak.
In fact, he craved it.
When Beau moved, Ethan followed. Once they stepped into the master bathroom, Ethan made a quick detour to the shower, flipping on the faucets, allowing the two showerheads on the wall and the rain showerhead to come on. He made sure the water was hot, but not scalding, just enough to ensure the last of the tension could be eased from his body.
Then again, he knew there would be an entirely different sort of tension where Beau was concerned.
When he made his way out from behind the wall that concealed the shower, Ethan found Beau leaning casually against the bathroom counter, his hands gripping the edge, one ankle crossed over the other.
Calm, cool. Or so Ethan thought.
When their eyes met, Ethan saw the thunderheads brewing, something exquisite and exciting, and it had nothing to do with fights or fury. This was… It was more than desire. More than need. He couldn’t even name it. But whatever it was, he felt it too. And oddly enough, he wanted it.
In fact, he wanted Beau – every part the man had to offer.
Ignoring the fact that he’d thrown caution to the wind, Ethan approached Beau slowly, not wanting to rush him, but not sure how much his control was worth at this point. He was having a difficult time focusing on what he was supposed to be doing, instead thinking ahead to the moment when nothing would matter except for the satisfaction of being in Beau’s arms.
“You know that you belong to me tonight, right?” Beau asked.
Awww, hell. Ethan’s dick heard the statement before his brain even processed the words.
“Mine, E. No one else is invited here tonight.”
Ethan understood what Beau was saying. This was about them, only them. Demons and memories weren’t invited here. At least for now. “I get it.”
Ethan (Alluring Indulgence) Page 20