by A. Zavarelli
I have a suspicion none of it would have happened if I hadn’t been distracted by the current situation at home. I’m accustomed to putting in long hours researching my targets. I always go in one hundred percent confident that I’m the one who will be walking out alive. In my line of work, carelessness isn’t an option. But lately, I’ve been cutting corners. Becoming more complacent, I’ve been doing less recon while I try to juggle my responsibilities here, like watching Natalia and spending time with Nino.
When I glance at her now, I can’t help feeling resentful for that. She can sense my weakness for her. That’s the only logical explanation for her showing up in my room that night. A problem I have since resolved by keeping my door locked at all times.
I told Gwen it was a mistake, and at the time, I meant it. I was angry that she’d tempted me and even more irritable with myself for caving in, but distance has done nothing to dispel the increasingly alarming thoughts in my mind. My unreasonable conscience insists it wouldn’t matter if it happens again. We’ve already crossed a line. What would one more time hurt? Maybe a few more times? I keep trying to convince myself I would still have control, but I know that’s a lie.
When I look at her, I can still taste her skin. I can still smell the sweet scent of her arousal coating my fingers, and no matter how much I try, I can’t purge the image of her tipping her head back and shuddering beneath me.
Fuck.
She glances up at me with a pinched expression. I’ve been staring at her for way too long. It’s moments like this that remind me I can be so goddamned awkward sometimes. Natalia always handles it smoothly, just like she handles Nino. She knows what to do in every situation, and she stands her ground when she believes she’s right. I can respect her for that, but there’s a part of me that hates her, too. A part who wishes I’d never hired her, because right now, she’s complicating the hell out of my life.
We eat our breakfast in silence, and Nino says goodbye before she starts to usher him out of the dining room to get ready for school. I stop her.
“I’m taking him today. When I get back, I’d like to meet with you in my office.”
Her lips press together, but she dips her head and goes on her way.
I spend some time talking to Nino while Manuel drives us to school. Since I’ve been away most of the week, I wanted to make an effort like Natalia said I should, especially since he’s been more receptive to it. He tells me about some of his classes and then asks if we can go out on the boat again soon. I consider it, aware that I have a contract this weekend, and Gwen has plans for some bullshit gala at IVI next Saturday that I’m supposed to attend. Marianna will be there, and she’ll be expecting me even though I didn’t agree to appear together. If I don’t, Gwen will be breathing down my neck again, like she has been all week. I never should have told her I’d consider it in the first place. She caught me when I was tired and irritable, and she took advantage of that the way Gwen has the tendency to do.
I tell Nino we can go out on the boat next Sunday, and his excitement erases my frustrations over the gala. Once we’ve dropped him off, Manuel glances at me in the mirror.
“Just a heads up, sir. The security cameras have been acting up again. I had to reset them.”
“Well, that’s fucking annoying,” I mutter.
He gives me an odd look. Manuel knows I take security at the house seriously, but he doesn’t know I’ve been using the cameras to watch Natalia’s movements like a goddamned fiend. This week, I’ve barely had time to breathe, let alone check up on her. I know from previous experience that we lose all the recently saved footage when Manuel resets the cameras. Typically, I would have already reviewed anything of importance before then, as it’s Manuel’s job to inform me, but there’s been nothing of note. So, to him, my response is likely a little strange and more revealing than I care to admit.
He doesn’t mention it again for the remainder of the drive, and neither do I. When we get back to the house, I find Natalia sitting outside, watching the lake ripple under the morning sky. For a second, I just stand there, observing her, hoping she won’t notice me. She must feel my gaze on her because she turns, and if I didn’t know any better, it looks like she’s dreading this meeting.
I told her we’d talk in my office, but now that I’m here, I decide this might be a better setting. She sits up straighter as I approach her and take a seat in the Adirondack chair across from her.
“Is there an issue we need to discuss, Natalia?”
Her face pales, and her reaction catches me off guard. At first, I think maybe she’s not feeling well, but when she wrings her hands together in her lap, I realize she’s nervous. I often forget that people say I’m intimidating, so I suspect that might be the reason, but Natalia’s never allowed that to bother her before.
“You’ve been avoiding me.” I clarify. “I want to know what the issue is.”
She dips her head, her shoulders relaxing slightly as she considers it for a moment. Then she reaches for her phone to write out a response.
I’m not avoiding you. And there is no issue.
She’s lying, and she’s not doing a very good job of hiding it. She can barely look at me. When I pass her in the house, she continues without so much as an acknowledgment. It’s grating at me, and even more so, because I want to know why.
“I don’t want to let what happened interfere with Nino’s care,” I tell her.
I would never. She shakes her head. It’s already forgotten.
My jaw clenches, and I can’t tell if she’s intentionally goading me, but it feels like it. I should let it go, but I can’t.
“You’re angry with me.”
No, I’m not, she insists.
I study her, searching for a deeper answer. “Is it because of Gwen?”
She shakes her head again, and it’s infuriating. I want her to look at me. I want … something, but I don’t even know what it is.
“She can come off harsh,” I grit out. “She struggles with her emotions because she’s been through a lot, but I’ve spoken to her, and there shouldn’t be any more trouble.”
Natalia nods, and that’s all I get. Her response only serves to irritate me further.
“She has a point, though,” I say. “It’s not your place to tell Nino what he should and shouldn’t do. She is his grandmother.”
I know I’m goading her now, but I’m not expecting her eyes to alight with fire as she glares back at me. Suddenly, she has plenty to say.
No, it’s not my place, Alessio. But someone had to do it. You aren’t around, and when you are, you have no idea what’s going on with him. He needs guidance. He needs reassurance. And I will die on this hill before I allow a grown woman to bully him into feeling responsible for her bruised ego. It’s important for children to feel safe to set boundaries around their bodies. He did that, and she wanted to trample right over it. And when that didn’t work, she used emotional manipulation. If she’s been through hard times, that sucks, but we all have to accept responsibility for our own healing. Nino isn’t comfortable doing what she asks of him, and it’s your job to protect him and tell him that’s okay, but clearly, you haven’t.
My temples throb as I listen to her words and lift my gaze back to her. It isn’t often I can’t rein in my emotions, but right now there’s no holding back from either of us.
“Everything I do is to protect him,” I snarl, rising to my feet to glare down at her. “You know nothing about his life. You know nothing about Gwen or me, and if you ever talk about her that way again, you are fucking done here. Do you understand that?”
She flinches back as if she’s preparing for a personal attack, and before I can make sense of it, her lip begins to tremble. She lowers her gaze to hide the hurt and fear in her eyes, but I can’t unsee them. For a second, I’m questioning myself. I’m questioning everything. I’m starting to think Gwen was right all along. This was never going to work.
I stare at Natalia, wishing I could just say the g
oddamned words. To go get her shit and leave and never come back. That would be the best thing for both of us, but we both know we’re in far too deep for that. She knows what I do. She’s seen too much.
Despite her best efforts to hold them back, a tear splashes against her face, and I feel like a fucking asshole. My instinct is to fix this somehow, but I’m still too raw over what she said, and even if I wasn’t, I don’t know how. This is exactly what I don’t want. These complications. The messiness that comes with human connections.
I need space. I need to go to the gym and punish my body, and then fist my dick until I purge every indecent thought I’ve ever had about her.
It’s the only logical solution.
I spend the day trying to dispel the reminder of what happened this afternoon. I put my body through the paces of hell in the gym. I have a couple of stiff drinks for lunch. I consider going to the Cat House for a release, because I want to prove a point to Natalia, but the idea is driven by my anger and not desire. The truth is none of those women sound even remotely appealing right now.
I want her, and apparently, nothing can alter that.
I use Manuel as my carrier pigeon to deliver the news to Natalia that she has the rest of the day off. I don’t ask him how she takes it, and I don’t want to know. I give him the rest of the day off, too, opting to pick up Nino myself. He’s supposed to have piano lessons and Italian studies this afternoon, but I think perhaps he could use a break.
“What do you want to do?” I ask him after we’re secured in the car.
He studies me carefully, the way he always does when I ask him a direct question. I consider what Natalia said about giving him guidance and reassurance. I don’t want to admit that the flaws she pointed out in me were accurate. Despite what appearances might suggest, I have tried.
“You can tell me.” I soften my tone. “We can do anything you’d like.”
“Anything?” he asks hesitantly.
I nod.
“Can we go to the Great Wheel?”
Well, shit. I wasn’t expecting that. I know he’s visited there before with his previous nanny, Rose. As for myself, I can say with certainty I’ve never been on a Ferris wheel, but I did say anything he wanted.
“Okay. The Great Wheel it is.” I pull away from his school and head for Pier 57.
It’s a cooler day, so luckily, there doesn’t appear to be a horde of tourists when we arrive. I park the car, and Nino holds out his hand in offer. Another first. I take it, and something pinches in my chest when I feel how small his fingers are compared to mine. Logically, I’m always aware of how vulnerable he is. When I first took him in, I was admittedly petrified by the possibilities of something going wrong. I went overboard with Rose, directing her to babyproof the entire house and keep him safe at any cost. She was much older, and she told me not to worry so much. She had already raised many Society children by that time. But I never stopped worrying. I didn’t have a fucking clue what to do with a toddler, and I think perhaps I let those fears get the best of me. Over time, I realized he was in safe hands with Rose, along with Manuel’s observant eye, and I pulled back more and more, allowing them to actively participate in his life while I remained a passive observer. I was so concerned about screwing up I didn’t put myself in the game at all, and now I can see that was a grave mistake. I have missed out on so much.
Nino leads me toward the giant wheel, over the pavers, and through the small groups of people coming and going. He finds the ticket booth easily enough, and we wait our turn together before I pay. We enter the line for the Wheel, and Nino peers out over the water, eyeing the boats. It’s one of the things we both enjoy, and I decide that there’s no reason we can’t take the boat out every weekend. It isn’t out of the realm of possibility to charter a yacht in the summer and travel somewhere too. I think he would like that.
The attendant gestures us forward with a bored expression and helps us into the gondola. The seats are larger than I expected, but we get the cabin to ourselves because of the sparse crowd. Nino sits opposite me, close to the window, smiling as we slowly begin our ascent.
“This is my favorite,” he whispers. “Rose used to bring me here all the time.”
His confession dislodges something painful deep inside my gut, and I feel a need to address it. I’m not sure I know how.
“She was special to you,” I say. “I’m sorry that she’s no longer here. It must make you … sad sometimes.”
He looks over at me, and for the first time, I can see how much he truly does miss her. The woman was more of a grandmother to him, even more so than Gwen is, realistically.
“I do miss her,” he says. “But she’s in heaven now, and she told me someday we’ll see each other again.”
I nod, grateful that Rose found a way to comfort him even as she was slowly dying.
“You have Natalia now,” I add, curious how he might respond.
“I love Natalia,” he answers softly. “I want her to stay forever.”
I swallow hard, hoping he doesn’t see the tension on my face. He’s never said that about me.
“If you like her, then I suppose we’ll have to keep her.”
This earns me a lopsided grin. He presses his fingers against the glass and looks out the window while I try to figure out how to address what Natalia said.
“Nino.”
“Yeah?” He returns his attention to me.
“The other day, when Gwen was at the house, you didn’t want to hug her. Can you tell me why?”
A frown pinches at his lips as he dips his gaze, and I notice this is something he does quite often, presumably because he thinks he’s in trouble.
“It’s okay that you didn’t want to,” I reassure him, taking a page from Natalia’s book. “You did nothing wrong. I just want to know why you don’t like to hug her.”
“I don’t know,” he says. “I just don’t like it. She gets lipstick all over me and smells like wine.”
“Okay.” I consider that for a moment. “But do you like spending time with her?”
He’s quiet for a long beat, and I have a gut-wrenching feeling I already know what he’s going to say before he finally answers.
“Not really,” he admits. “She yells a lot, and it scares me.”
I lean back, trying to digest those words. From a child’s perspective, I can understand where he’s coming from. Gwen was loud and blunt when I first met her too. She has the personality of a bull, and it’s not for everyone. Over the years, with every devasting blow she’s received, her grief has slowly whittled away at her sanity. Now she’s on a heavy cocktail of psychiatric drugs for various maladies. Little things become big things to her, and I’ve witnessed her come unhinged often. She’s under the close supervision of an entire medical team who continually assure me of her progress. If she weren’t, I would never have left Nino with her for short periods of time. Now, I realize that too may have been a mistake. I don’t know how to navigate the balance between protecting Nino and allowing Gwen to be a part of his life. She is the closest thing to a mother I’ve had since my own was murdered in front of me. She took me in and cared for me when I was at my lowest. I owe her everything, and sometimes that loyalty can be blinding. As much as I hate to admit it, Natalia had a point. Gwen is a grown woman, and Nino is still a child. If he isn’t comfortable around her, I can’t force him to spend time with her. It’s something I’ll have to deal with, and I only hope she won’t have another breakdown when I do.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to spend time at Gwen’s,” I tell Nino. “I won’t make you do that anymore. How do you feel about her coming to the house?”
He relaxes back against his seat, relieved. Guilt weighs heavy on my conscience that it took me so long to see something that was right in front of me.
“I don’t care if she comes to the house,” he says. “If you or Natalia are with me.”
I rub the pressure from my neck, silently contemplating how the hell I’m going t
o bring this up with Enzo without him coming unhinged too. I’ll have to be the one to address it first before Gwen goes to visit him in hysterics without giving him any context.
“Alessio.” Nino’s voice pulls me from my thoughts.
“Yes?”
He tangles his fingers together in his lap, tension returning to his face. “What if there’s someone else I don’t like?”
I lean forward, hoping to be as approachable as a man like me can be. “You can tell me, Nino. You can tell me anything. I’ll never get angry at you for being honest.”
He fidgets some more, eventually working up the courage to say what’s on his mind.
“What if I don’t want to visit Enzo anymore?”
His words blindside me.
“You don’t want to visit your father?” I ask.
He shakes his head quickly, clearly ashamed of his admission. Now, part of me feels like a liar because I told him he could trust me with his thoughts, but I also made a promise to Enzo that I would bring his son to visit as often as I could. Nino can’t comprehend the gravity of what he’s asking me. My loyalty to Enzo is the reason I took Nino into my care in the first place. To betray him would be unthinkable.
“Why don’t you want to see him?” I adopt a neutral tone, despite the turmoil raging inside of me.
Nino stares down at his shoes, wiggling them back and forth to distract himself. “He’s mean to me.”
I let those words settle over us, but I need clarification. When I take Nino to visit Enzo in the Tribunal’s prison, I’m only with them for the first ten minutes, and then his visits are supervised by the guards. Faithfully, I have brought Nino there to see his father from the beginning of his incarceration. I always assumed he was sad when he left because he was leaving, not because he had to visit in the first place.