Audie was a much happier girl after that particular announcement. Such an arrangement would give her a chance to visit with her mother and also to get better acquainted with her three siblings. I was pretty sure that she would choose Tulsa just as soon as the “new” had worn off in Arkansas. Her mother’s house would probably prove to be a bit crowded for a girl who was used to her own room.
The night before he drove us to the airport Rhett and I spent a busy few hours in bed doing what he did best (and what I appreciated most!)
“Honey, can’t you change your mind? “ He asked again. “See how well we get along? You don’t need to go running off to Oklahoma.”
“Well, I certainly can’t stay here, any longer.”
“You really don’t need to leave, hon.”
“Oh, but I do, darling.” I lay facing him in bed. I patted his cheek. “Think of all our lovemaking these last few nights as our ‘separation honeymoon.’ I’m going, dearest, and my heart is broken, but you’ll pull right out of any despondency because you’ll have the whole country garden of beautiful Filipina flowers to pick from now, with no overseer watching."
“But I want my wife, too. I want you, Lori.”
“Tell me Rhett, what is it about Nancy that seemed more attractive to you than what you had at home?”
“Uh…you sure you want to hear this?”
“Yes. Let’s talk and be honest with each other before I leave.”
“Well, first, you’re younger than I am, of course, but you’re getting old, hon.”
“Forty-six is old?”
“Yeah. Kinda. I like that young stuff, Lori. You know that.”
“Uh huh, what else?”
‘Well, you’re not fat, but you’re not real slim either. Up top especially.” I was built along the lines of Dolly Parton after her operation but Mother Nature was the one who had doled out the big boobs onto my little body.
“My breasts are too large for you?”
“Yeah. Well, I always say that if it won’t fit into a champagne glass, it’s too much.”
“Did you try Nancy’s… uh… in the glass, I mean?”
“Uh huh, until she got pregnant. Lately her tits have gotten a little larger, I’ve noticed. I’ll show you what I mean.” He rose from the bed and padded down the stairs to the kitchen where I could hear him opening cabinet doors. Seconds later he was back in bed, champagne glass in hand. He put the coupe of the glass on my right breast. “See, you have about one third of your boob in the glass… two thirds still out. You’re not even close, girl. You’re just too much.”
Watch out Nancy, I thought, and I remembered all the men over the years who had come on to me… mainly because of my top heavy figure. A D cup was fine with them, it seemed. All men liked breasts, I’d always believed, and here I was learning I had married the one man who didn’t care for the poor things at all.
“Anything else?” I was deep into the masochistic thing I suppose.
“Well, Lori, when you laugh, when you really think something is funny, you can be heard by everyone within a three block radius, or even further. I don’t think that is ladylike, hon.” He paused a moment. “You’re not ladylike enough for me.”
“I laugh too loud?” I had to laugh at that, not too loudly, of course, I didn’t want to awaken the entire compound. “One of the reasons I’ve loved you all these years, Rhett, was because you can always make me laugh.”
“Yeah.” He grinned and nodded. I could see his white teeth gleaming in the moonlight. “I know.”
“And you haven’t liked that?”
“Oh, Lori, I like it that you think I’m amusing. I just think waking the neighbors with your hilarity isn’t too great. A woman should be a quiet, gentle creature.”
His words caused me to remember a Sunday afternoon not so many weeks before when we’d had a couple of visitors. We’d been smart alecking around and I had dissolved with laughter. The telephone rang and I answered. One of our neighbors was on the line.
“Lori, all of us sitting over here in our house are just dying to know what is going on over there at your place.”
“Why do you ask?”
“Oh, Lori, you undoubtedly have the most infectious laugh in the world. We don’t know what’s going on and we’re laughing. We love to hear your laughter ring out in the neighborhood. Everything stops over here when you laugh. When the sound dies we all smile and feel better because we’ve just heard Lori laugh.”
I figured there was no use reminding Rhett of that call. It would only consolidate his stand on the irritating long distance quality of my unladylike laughter.
“Same goes for your speech. Too loud sometimes. When you stand in front of a room you can be heard in every corner of the place… and without a microphone. And I don’t care for your style of dress. Not feminine enough…”
“Okay, dear.” I interrupted him, “I’ve got it.” My heart couldn’t take any more bruising. I turned over and went to sleep. After all, our drive to the airport was only four hours away but I wasn’t worried that I wouldn’t have enough sleep. The only way I could endure the long hours on the airplane was to spend them sleeping. Audie and I would have to say goodbye in Denver so she could go on to Little Rock, but I would branch off to go on to Tulsa. It would be good to see Miss Hazel, my little mother, who had always thought I was perfect, no matter what I did. I really needed to be with someone who thought I was okay, just the way I was, boobs, laughter and all.
I planned to wear trousers on the plane so I wouldn’t have to wear pantyhose.
Chapter 3
When Rhett kissed us both goodbye at the airplane, we all smiled and acted civil. Sometimes when I relive that scene it appears to encapsulate our little family’s “peace at any price,” behavior. And I’m afraid I’m the one who instigated that soft voice, non quarreling behavior, and Rhett encouraged it for his own benefit.
I wonder, as I look back, if I had been the kind of woman who screamed, threw things, or made public scenes, would we all three have been better off? Not pitching a fit and speaking in a low key way about a husband’s first discovered infidelities will probably insure that more of the same will occur. The transgressor has just learned that there is no price to pay. In such a case this breakup after thirteen years could be called my fault. I used silence as a sign of displeasure sometimes, but what good did that do? No good at all. Rhett was totally aware that life would continue to be as he wished, no matter what he did, I suppose. Civility can sometimes be mistaken for weakness it appears.
Setting that kind of example for Audie wasn’t right, I’m afraid. My own mother, Miss Hazel, had always deferred to my father and insisted that my brother and I do the same. They never argued, quarreled, or bitched at each other in our house, at least, not that we heard. Married people have to discuss issues. Maybe they did it in the bedroom? Or in the car? Or perhaps they had worked things out between them before they married?
Daddy never passed by her that he didn’t pat her on some part of her anatomy. She seemed to like that although she giggled and gently protested, “Now, John.” He often pulled her onto his knee when he was seated and she was bustling about. She would laugh or smile, perch for a moment, then move on to her task. Kind of sweet and peaceful, I thought, even when I was a kid.
But what did I know? I thought that that was the way a wife and husband were supposed to act. Now, am I searching for someone else to blame? Namely, my sweet little churchgoing mother? Or maybe my smart talking, nonchurchgoing father? Is that why I’m doing all this looking back?
Well, hell. I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf now that it’s way too late! I’ve determined to turn myself into a foul mouthed virago if at all possible. That’s not going to be easy. I can yell with joy, laugh like a banshee and bandy words with the biggest of smart mouths so long as everything is just good fun. All those years of Sunday School, Church, Hazel brainwashing, family and school expectations and examples have done their job well. It would have disgraced
the family if I or my brother had been the focus of a teacher’s, or other adult authority’s, anger or disappointment. WE WERE EXPECTED TO BEHAVE WELL IN PUBLIC, NO MATTER WHAT! And we knew it.
Of course, mama and daddy may have gone after each other like angry, ravenous wolves in private, but I never had any indication of even whispered anger. Daddy was in the construction business so he was often gone for long periods of time. When he returned home it was always kind of like honeymoon time for all of us. We were all glad to see him and we let him know that.
They never even hit me, although I’m sure I needed a switch on the bum many times. Mama threatened it once in awhile, daddy, never. Maybe the fact that he was twenty years older than Miss Hazel can account for much of the smooth sailing. He had only to look at me or Jack or my cousins, in a certain way and we were quelled for sure. We were both plenty loud and obstreperous kids but the parents wanted peace and quiet in the house and they pretty much got what they wanted. We all read a lot.
We had fifteen of our own Oklahoma acres to run around in and millions of friends and relatives to play with, so we ran and yelled and played to our hearts’ content outside. Miss Hazel often told us she preferred that the other kids be at our house rather than to let Jack and me go wandering all over the neighborhood. She even preferred that the cousins stay at our place and they did… by the score.
There were some things we (cousins, friends and the children of the house) were forbidden to do. And we all knew the rules and abided by them. No cursing. And we were never to say, “Shut up,” to each other, nor to anyone else. The same rule applied to “I hate you.” Any of those words could get you “the look,” and sometimes a bit of time alone in a dreary bedroom… even if the words were spoken outside. Somehow they knew, those magic parents, just what we were doing. Or we thought they did.
Jack and I knew how to please our family and we behaved with that idea in mind, both of us striving to please. Not wimps, as any of the cousins and friends who ever came into contact with my sharp words or my flailing elbows or hands when they needed to be put on the straight and narrow, just pleasers, as much as possible, and we wanted our friends and our cousins to please, also. If they didn’t know how, we taught them.
Well, hell again. How did I get off on that road? Being sweet and eager-to-please, got me through school, college and graduate school in no time with high grades and little pins and certificates as rewards along the way. That very same behavior made me a complete failure as a wife, and perhaps even a bad example for my stepdaughter.
The Prideaus were a revelation to me. They all loved each other I could tell. Only one daughter had joined in the religious frenzy of the mother but that didn’t keep her out of the rip ups when they occurred. Rhett’s family never hesitated to curse, scream and throw fits in their loudest voices, often while smoking and drinking. “It don’t, you was,” and “we ain’t” were in common usage. Strange. I never heard Rhett use anything but perfect English. His mom didn’t join in the set-to’s but she was often a witness to her sons and daughter’s “discussions” and I never saw her giving them “the eye” or quelling them in any way. Sometimes she prayed (aloud) for them. Of course, these people, a huge family of seven plus mom and dad, were grown when I met all of them and mostly they were visiting when Rhett and I were there. These grown people had no compunction about bringing up something that happened when they were teenagers, or even children. And then they’d go after it, hammer and tong. Except for Rhett. They all, including parents, kowtowed to Rhettt. Was he immune? King of the hill? Family hero? Or was there something darker, perhaps? Now, why haven’t I ever analysed that situation before?
It’s the hours of sitting here on this endless plane ride that has encouraged all this looking back stuff, I suppose.
I’ve firmed up my resolution. I intend to speak up from now on; no matter how difficult that may be. I’ve decided that dominating a situation is a thousand times better than letting a situation dominate me. Uh huh, I have decided to pitch my voice to the far corners of the room from now on when it is necessary or my input seems called for. Or maybe just for a laugh.
And should I go back with Rhett, he’ll find that he’s gotten a new wife he hadn’t bargained for. If I’d only dug up this new persona a few weeks ago, I’d probably have my cat.
The bastard (See? I’m learning to speak my mind.) said he couldn’t arrange Kela’s trip to Oklahoma just now. Too short notice. He’ll have her flown to me later. But even when he was telling me that I knew I was leaving the sweetest cat I’d ever owned to the tender mercies of a Filipino girl who had eaten dogs for sure and probably cats as well. She wouldn’t know how to value my little white furry girl who loved me. Audie hadn’t cried about leaving Rhett but she had surely shed tears over leaving Kela. We both had cried over that.
Maybe he will send Kela on? Yeah. Maybe.
“When I die I want to come back as a big tomcat being cared for by you two girls.” Rhett had sneered those words because of our tears. I think he really was jealous of Kela, or of any other animal I, we, love.
The company put us up in a medium priced hotel in San Francisco. We’d stayed there before. Audie wanted to go out but I couldn’t drag myself to walk up and down those wet streets. Too cold, for one thing. Neither of us had jackets or coats with us. I insisted that she stay in the room with me. We ordered dinner sent up and she chose a movie. I continued to watch after she’d gone to sleep during the first ten minutes. I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the too realistic movie but it galvanized me with fear.
It showed a working class woman who loses her husband and then shows, in slow increments, how she descends into being a bag lady. I shivered in my twin bed. There, I thought, there you go, Lori, homeless, husbandless, and hungry. That’s what your new life is going to be.
Yeah, I hit those depths in San Francisco. When I switched off the machine in self defense, I visualized Rhett drinking, laughing, making love to a stranger in a bar, while his daughter and I lived in dark alleys or under bridges, wishing for a crust of bread. I’d been out of the country so long that I had another flash where I mentally saw both of us crawling on the four story high garbage heap in the Tondo section of Manila, fighting for our lives, even though I knew there was no backlit, hellish mountain of garbage even slightly like that in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Americans buried their garbage didn’t they? And Americans take care of poor, homeless widow women and children, even grass widows and their stepchildren, don’t they?
Sleep finally came. Morning brought a bit of sense, as well. We didn’t have any money, other than the two hundred dollars he’d given each of us, but I was only forty-six. That wasn’t old, was it? I could get a job and take care of both of us just fine.
The images of us pawing through a garbage can searching for our supper receded a bit more and I whispered, “Thank you, God.” I wasn’t taking the Lord’s name in vain, I assure you.
The phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind,” is so Rhett Prideaux, I was just glad to be able bodied and ready to work at Taco Tico if I couldn’t find anything else to do in Tulsa. I knew we could expect no real help from the man. He would see only Nancy as a fit object for his generosity, and maybe the baby.
I was pretty sure money would be one of the many things Rhett would never send. Money and our Kela.
Bastard.
CHAPTER 4
I walked toward the gate for Tulsa, with the hope that Audie would be all right, that her mother or stepfather would pick her up at the Little Rock Terminal, that my own Mom would be at the terminal in Tulsa. I’m turning into a worrywart it seems and I have to blame someone, don’t I? Guess who I’m blaming for all this upset and worry? Yeah. Him. Bastardo Numero Uno.
Audi was crying when I left her in the airplane. I suppose my depression is infectious. I promised her to drive to Van Buren to pick her up whenever she wanted to come to Tulsa. I pasted a smile on my lips for her benefit. My tears started when I turned away and trailed down th
e corridor toward my own plane. Rhett had given us matching cell phones in the airport in Manila. You can send pictures and talk about the picture with the other end of the line… or is that the other end of the electronics? I expect I’ll be responsible for the monthly bill that will surely follow this “gift.” Audie promised to send me pictures of Reuben Lee, Tanya Irene, and Allen Walter Huffington, her three Arkansas siblings. Not that those children are important to me. They’re important to Audie so I’ll look at her transmissions with more than passing interest, I suppose, when she uses her new toy.
Being back in the United States for good hadn’t really registered much, but everything did look new, well manicured, and laid out in neat grids. Very American, clean, and well lighted. The men all seemed big and strong looking, most wearing suits and ties. The thought that maybe I should pay more attention now that I was “back in the game” so to speak, slid into my consciousness. Yeah, the man/woman game.
And yes, men looked at me, particularly at the most offensive part of me, according to Rhett, the boob area. If I’d felt in the mood and if I could have dried my tears, I could have tested out my very rusty coquette skills. Oh, well, plenty of time for that.
What I really need to put my mind to is getting a job or some sort of work, and never mind the flirting. I’d have to find work just as quickly as possible so Audie and I won’t become total dependants upon Miss Hazel’s tiny monthly retired teacher’s pension.
News of the economy in the Tulsa area isn’t so good just now, according to the TV and the newspapers that had been left lying about the waiting areas. Which just means that I’ve got to buck up, stiffen my upper lip, get into the fray, go out there and make a new life, grapple with poverty, for Heaven’s sake! Fight, scuffle and combat! Get after it!
Chik~Lit for Foxy Hens Page 9