Chapter 13
“ELLIE”
I felt loved by the orange glory of morning. Entertained by the dolphins that played in the distance. And I felt hugged by the Sam’s last words to me in the postscript of his letter.
Ellie you are a part of a world in motion. To thrive you must live in motion. My death is a pause between us, but just a pause. Whether we end up as pebbles on a beach or angels above, I know that love is eternal. Love can not help wanting the best for the beloved. I hope you are way beyond needing my permission to go on with your life. But in case you do, here it is. The greatest lover you’ll ever have (next to me) is Life. He woos you with surprises, he wows you with beauty, he overwhelms you with sensuality, and he invites and welcomes your passion. Love him back with all your might. Wild abandon becomes you. My glimpses of it have been my greatest joy. So take a lover, take a class, go to Europe, adopt a puppy, drink champagne for breakfast, and always have ice cream for desert. I’ll be waiting for you, but I’m a very patient man.
Soothed by remembering Sam’s love, I made up my mind to follow his directions explicitly. Last night I’d been disappointed. Disappointed that Pandie had so clearly chosen Robert when I wanted to have time to see if I might choose him. Last night I’d felt sorry for myself that Pandie always got to be first. Last night I’d covered myself with resignation, the resignation of “second best.” But I tossed all that in the ocean this morning.
I suddenly realized that I’m the one that had made the rule that Pandie got first place. I had just accepted whatever Pandie designated as “first place” as my having to step down and take “second place.” Now I understood that each of us choose what’s first place for us. It was time for me to choose what was “first place” for me. If it happened that Pandie and I both chose Robert, did that mean I should just step away and give up what I wanted? That’s what I’d done in the past. But at the same time I felt my anger grow that Pandie hadn’t loved me enough to want me to have my own “first place” feelings. She hadn’t been willing to forego the benefits my willingness to take “second place” gave to her. It was time for some honesty. No matter that Pandie had suffered in life, hadn’t everyone suffered, including me? What gave her the right to take credit for my ideas, to sabotage my efforts to use those, or for that matter to try and make me feel guilty about wanting to feel pretty? The short answer to that question after I’d spewed a few flames, was “me.” I’d wanted Pandie to step aside for me, that’s what I’d named love. That’s why Pandie’s failure to appreciate my stepping aside felt so hurtful. Maybe what she’d named as love was different than mine. But that didn’t mean it was bad, it just meant it was different. I’d felt someone like me; someone who was “ugly” had to purchase a friend, was it fair of me to expect her not to accept the payment?
But stepping aside no longer worked for me. I had no desire to try and take something that rightfully belonged to someone else, on the other hand, just because someone wanted what I wanted didn’t mean I had to give up trying to get it. The danger in this new way of looking at things was that I risked loosing Pandie’s friendship for good. If so, maybe it was the natural evolution that takes place as people grow and change. All I knew was that tomorrow I would see what I could do about getting to know Robert Harper better. Did I want him in my life? Too soon to tell, I intended to have the chance to decide.
I hadn’t been born “second best” I’d just decided that was all I deserved. I was shaking all over because I knew that if I went all out for what I wanted there was the risk that I wouldn’t get it. I would no longer be able to blame that on Pandie. Not taking the risk was even scarier.
I hoped Pandie would see that our friendship would deepen if we both felt like “first place” women. Sam had been a black and white guy, I could hear Sam yelling in the background, “Ellie, just what friendship are you talking about?” But I felt ready to stand up to Sam. Sam made his choices as he was meant to, but not Sam, Pandie, or anyone else was given the duty or right to make my choices. I felt so light and free that it was a wonder I didn’t float. Thank you God for your persistence. Even at fifty, life had more possibilities than I’d ever allowed myself to believe.
* * *
“I’ve never tried to pick up a woman at sunrise. You’ll have to help me out if I get it wrong.” I turned to look at Robert. He held a thermos and two cups. I shivered at the thought of something warm. I didn’t try to keep the pleasure from my face.
Robert handed me the cups and he poured the steaming coffee. We drank in silence for a while and I liked that very much. “When did you lose your partner?” Robert asked as he continued to look seaward.
“It’s been a year. How did you know? Did Pandie tell you?” Robert laughed.
“I can’t imagine that Pandie gives anyone else much thought. So no, you never came up in our conversation.”
I smiled. No need to say anything. What Robert had said was true. I had no need to condemn her, but for the first time I had no need to defend her. I had no need to ascribe to her motives I wanted her to have. “So how did you know?”
“I could see the guilt on your face. If you’d poured that glass of red wine down your white dress last night it couldn’t have been more noticeable.” Robert took my empty cup and poured me some more coffee. I noticed for the first time that coffee urns were everywhere in the background. Robert’s thermos was a way of telling everyone to leave us alone. Subtle is good.
“What about you?” I asked.
“She died five years ago. My Margaret was such a lovely woman. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing her. I don’t think I would want too.” Robert turned to look at me. “But I know that there’s room in a heart for more than one love. She’s the one who taught me how to love. She’d be crushed if I didn’t use the gift.” Robert took my free hand and walked me over to the nearby lounges. He took my cup while I made myself comfortable. Then he leaned over and tightened the wrap around my shoulders. All of a sudden I felt flushed with heat. Then he settled in the lounge next to me.
“So do you know what the name Eloise means?” he asked.
Totally surprised I shook my head no. Then I said, “Yes, I do. This time I didn’t need someone else to tell me the meaning of my name. I figured that I could assign whatever meaning felt right to me.
Robert laughed, “Let me guess…very desirable? My smile grew another inch.
“No, not exactly.”
“Radiant?”
“You’re getting warm.”
I might grow dimples yet, if Robert kept going.
“Best kisser?”
Before I could say no, Robert touched my face. His fingertips brought me close. “This is a test, but I warn you it could be a very long test.” I liked it that he didn’t wait for my permission. I liked a man who knew what he wanted and was willing to take a risk to get it. To me true confidence was about the sexiest thing ever.
The test was much too short to my way of thinking.
“I’m starved.” Robert grinned. “I’m also hungry. Ready for breakfast?”
“Yes, I want a stack of pancakes drenched in butter and maple syrup with lots of strawberries.” I didn’t resist when he took my hand.
The food was scrumptious. The company divine. In those first moments of attraction every pleasure point on your body and in your heart tingles with expectation. I was no exception. Robert looked as if he were suffering from the same condition. Me Bertha Eloise Loft, took one last strawberry, dipped it in whipped cream and offered it to Robert’s mouth. When his lips touched my fingers I almost fainted. But that ended abruptly.
“So here you are. Hmm,” Pandie leaned over and stuck her finger in the butter. But before she she licked it from her finger she asked Robert, “Want a taste?”
“No Pandie, I appreciate the offer, but I’ve always been crazy for strawberries.” Robert squeezed my hand.
I held my breath. I could tell that this change was going to take some practice.
“W
ell, Bertha, what would Sam think of you now? Pandie looked at me with a grim, disapproving look, the one I’d seen her use on John when he’d moved on to another woman. The look that said I’m disappointed in you, disgusted in you, the look that said I’m done with you.
I might need additional practice, but anger can do wonders for an initial performance.
“Pandie, I wish you’d known Sam better, then you wouldn’t have to ask. Sam would be the first to approve. That’s what love is, a wish, a sincere wish for the loved one’s happiness.”
Pandie deflated like a birthday balloon at the end of a long day.
“You know Bertha, I envied you Sam. I guess that surprises you? But I’ve always felt kind of like second pl…” Pandie hopped up. She pulled her sunglasses down and tugged a bit at her very short shorts. “Stay out of trouble you two. Well, on the other hand…” Pandie left and I couldn’t tell yet how it would be between us. It didn’t matter because whichever way it went I knew it was going to be good for me.
Chapter 14
“ELLIE”
“The cruise was wonderful.” I told Beth as we sat drinking coffee in the living room. “But I missed you so much.”
“Mom you look so young.” Beth rubbed her thumb around the rim of her coffee cup. “I feel old enough to be your mother.”
I laughed. “Well we know that’s pretty damn old, don’t we?”
Beth looked up, her eyes tear-filled. “I know you met someone. It’s written all over you.” Beth looked away as if something of great interest were on the blank wall. “But it’s too soon for me, Mom. You’ve got to give me time.”
I was startled. I’d never mentioned Robert in my letters. I’d had no intention of telling Beth about Robert for a long time. I knew that in some ways it would always be more difficult for her. When a child loses a parent its different. A child is meant to hang on to that relationship forever. I didn’t respond to Beth because I wanted her to feel my acceptance of what she’d said. I knew Beth. She would never use Sam to try and keep me from living my life. When she said she needed time. I knew she meant exactly what she’d said and I agreed with my whole heart. I knew that before too long, even though it would be hard, she’d tell me she wanted to go shopping. We’d go look in a couple of stores unable to find anything we liked. Then she’d say, “Want to go get ice cream?” I’d nod yes. Over the comfort of ice cream Beth would ask me to feed her very small bites of information about Robert.
She’d listen attentively, make some non-committal comments. Then she’d remember that she’d promised to meet a friend. She’d drop me at the house and she’d go home and cry. Then she’d talk to Sam. It would all work out. She and I loved each other too much to let anything separate us. Love made us both flexible, stretched us, then stretched us some more.
* * *
I checked the message on my phone. It felt so good to hear Pandie’s voice. We’d not spoken to each other since the cruise. Months had passed in silence. Even during the cruise after that breakfast, whenever I tried to talk to her she got busy painting her nails or looking at a magazine, so I finally left her alone.
Although I felt her absence in my life, I was surprised at the relief that accompanied it. I hadn’t realized the energy I’d poured into that relationship. But I still loved her. I wished her well. The hurt and anger lived alongside a deep, abiding, love. I believed that I needed the anger and hurt for a while longer to keep myself on course, to emphasize that I needed to stick with the changes I’d made.
I pushed the play button on my answering machine. “I’ll never quit loving you, but…” That’s all it said. I guess we both needed to move on in our lives. But I had to admit. Pandie had taught me some invaluable lessons. I hoped that she could say the same about me.
Chapter 15
“ELLIE”
Three years after the cruise Robert and I got married. Our children celebrated with us. Marriage was a gift, but long before the marriage, we’d said our own vows, the ones that really counted.
On the day of our wedding, I went for along walk. I wanted to talk to Sam. But all I heard was silence. Not the way I wanted to start my married life with Robert, but I couldn’t make Sam come and talk to me.
At home later that morning, Robert left early to go to Beth’s house, supposedly to help with preparations. I appreciated time alone before our life together. I poured myself one last cup of coffee. Sitting at the kitchen table I glanced through the headlines in the morning paper. In the women’s section I noticed an article “There’s apt to be a secret meaning in your name, do you know what it is?” The author included a list of names and their meanings. Under the name “Ellen” I found “Eloise.” “Eloise—lovely name. At best finding the meaning of a name is more of an art than a science. I was fortunate however with this name to find a very old reference I’d not seen before. In essence the name Eloise, at least according to this reference, means “willing to lead, or willing to be first.” Why did that bring tears to my eyes? Did I imagine Sam’s voice or had I heard, “Ellie, I love you.”
How sweet, how wonderfully sweet…
Chik~Lit for Foxy Hens Page 26