Tía Carmen showed us this very fancy store that she says is similar to the old El Encanto back home. This fancy store in Miami is called Burdines, and it is very big. The salesladies were nice and they let us spray perfume on our wrists. Mami and Tía Carmen tried on clothes, too, and they giggled when they posed with the new outfits in front of the dressing room mirrors. Of course we did not buy anything. We had our noon meal at Walgreen’s, which has a lunch counter like the tencens we had in Cuba. I tried a dish called a grilled cheese. It was delicious!
Later, after Efraín arrived from work, we watched television to see the daughter of President Johnson get married in the big mansion where the president lives. Her dress was beautiful, with a long train and puffy veil. Ileana said that when she gets married, she wants to wear a short red dress, something no one has ever thought of wearing to a wedding. I plan to have a long, white dress with lots of pearls stitched on the bodice, and the train will be so long that I will need six flower girls, three on each side, to carry it down the church aisle. Papi laughed when I said this, but when I looked closely at his face to see if he was making fun of me, I was surprised to find tears in his eyes. Then he said very softly, “I suppose you will want to get married in Los Pasionistas.” That is the church in our old neighborhood in Cuba, but I was actually thinking of Saint Michael’s, our new church. I didn’t say anything, but I wish Papi would stop making comments like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know exactly why. Maybe it is because I feel he should not worry so much about what is behind and think instead of what is ahead. Sometimes when Papi says certain things aloud, Tío Pablo tells him it won’t do him any good to live in the past. It is the exile’s curse, my uncle says, to always be looking over your shoulder.
Sunday, 10th of December
I have a secret! Tía Carmen and Efraín are teaching Mami to drive. They made me promise to not tell, and I won’t. Never. Not even Ileana knows. Of course I don’t know what Mami will drive. We do not have a car.
Besides, she needs a lot of practice. She drives around the neighborhood only for a couple hours while Papi is training with his militia group. She always makes sure she’s home before he gets back.
Tuesday, 12th of December
Abuelo Tony was taken to the hospital today. There is something wrong with his heart, and doctors must do something to it to make it better. I asked if that meant he was getting a new heart, like that man we read about in the newspaper, but Abuela María said no. He gets to keep his own, with some fixes. I am worried about him. He looked so pale before he left and he seemed to be out of breath all the time.
I wonder how my brother is feeling. Is he doing anything dangerous in the army or is he working in an office, comfortable and safe? I know he is Mami’s biggest worry. The other night I heard her tell Tía Carmen that sometimes she feels as if she abandoned her son in Cuba. Tía Carmen told her not to think such foolish thoughts. Mami had to leave with the rest of the family because the Freedom Flights are a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Soon Pepito will join us, my aunt insisted. I hope so. I love my brother more now that he is far away. I think it is true what grown-ups say about distance making the heart grow fonder.
Thursday, 14th of December
I am so proud. Today when we went to visit Abuelo at the hospital, I served as a translator for Mami. I understood everything the nurses and volunteers at the information center told me. Mami was impressed, too. I had already noticed I was improving my English because I just zip through the Nancy Drew books. I am ready for something more difficult.
You have to be sixteen years old to visit the patient rooms, but I snuck in with Mami. Abuelo did not look well. He seemed to have shrunk, and he was all wrinkled. He slept during our entire visit. I am worried about him. Maybe he does need a new heart.
Saturday, 16th of December
Ileana wanted me to sneak out with her again tonight. She said a whole group of students from her school are planning to have their own Christmas party at a construction site and maybe I would meet a boy I liked. She says I look old enough to be a ninth or tenth grader. I wouldn’t go, though. What if we get caught? But now I’m sorry I didn’t. It is almost midnight, and she is not back. If I had gone, she probably would’ve returned by now.
Monday, 18th of December
Today Tommy came to the house with another girl. He pretended that he had never met me. The three of them worked on a school project about the thirteen American colonies. Ileana draws well, so on a piece of poster board she sketched a farm scene from a book Tommy borrowed from the library. He was very nice. And, in daylight, I could also tell he was handsome. His hair is long, but not as long as some of those rock ‘n’ roll singers like John Lennon or Mick Jagger. I could tell Mami liked him despite the hair because he was very polite and said, “yes, ma’am” and “no, ma’am.” Of course, neither of them knew what the other was saying. Ileana had to translate for both Mami and Tommy during the entire visit. Because of the guests, we were allowed to drink Coca-Cola and eat the guava pastries Mami bought just for Ileana’s friends. They left before Papi arrived from work. Mami made sure of that.
Every night Ana Mari practices Christmas songs she is learning for a winter festival at school. I recognize most of the melodies, but the words are different. She sings “Jingle Bells” and “Silent Night,” both of which I know only in Spanish. When she does this, I get a lump in my throat thinking of past holidays and of Pepito spending this year’s alone. He probably will not be allowed to visit my grandparents, and for years there has been talk by the Communist government about outlawing the festivities. The talk, though, never did dampen our neighborhood’s enthusiasm for the holiday. We always managed to celebrate in some way even when the rationing was bad. Cousins would stop by, and we would listen to Mami’s long-play records of villancicos caroling away. Mami would set up, in a corner of the living room, the old Nativity set she inherited from a great-aunt. And Mami’s oldest brother, Tío Camilo, always managed to bring us a lechón or, at the very least, a pork leg from his farm for Nochebuena.
Here we do not have any decorations except for some drawings Ana Mari made in school with construction paper and crayons. Efraín’s boss gave him a Christmas tree, and Tía Carmen has decorated it with garlands and glass balls she bought at sales in a discount store named Zayre. I wish we had a tree, too—a silver one with blue balls. I suggested it once, but Papi immediately dismissed the idea. He considers it a waste of money. I wish he would change his mind.
Wednesday, 20th of December
Abuelo Tony is back from the hospital. He looks better but much skinnier.
Friday, 22nd of December
We had a big surprise at Ana Mari’s school during the winter festival when she and four other girls sang two Christmas songs in Spanish. One of the carols is a lovely melody we used to sing in church when I was very little. Although I have forgotten its name, I can’t help but hum it as I write: Vamos, pastores, vamos, a la gloria de Edén. Vamos a Belén a ver ese niño. “Let us go, shepherds, let us go to the glory of Eden. Let us go to Bethlehem to see the child.”
When they heard this, lots of people in the school cafeteria got to their feet and clapped with delight. Some of the women cried. I suppose the carols reminded them of home. One man shouted, “¡Viva Cuba libre!” And Papi said, “Bravo! Bravo!” I was so glad to see him happy. But for me it was strange, because those songs come from another world. They belong in another life. They should be performed not in a cafeteria but in the arched entranceway of my old school. And they should be followed not by chocolate chip cookies and punch but by turrones. (I like the almond nougats best.) It seems as if everything is being thrown together all at once, one world blending into the other. It’s hard to keep them apart. Jane thinks this is good, but she doesn’t understand how confusing it can be. Just because my parents eat chocolate chip cookies doesn’t mean they will let Ileana attend a party without a chaperone. And because everybody is trying to sing along to the wor
ds of a carol in Spanish doesn’t mean the Claudias of the world will stop teasing us about our accents or our clothes.
Sunday, 24th of December
Nochebuena. The smell of roasting pork fills the house. It is the best smell in the world. Mmmm! Tonight the entire family will gather here to celebrate Christmas Eve. I have invited Jane and Mrs. Henderson, too. At first we were going to have the celebration at Tío Pablo’s, but Abuela María had the idea of moving it here, to the backyard where we will all fit around a long folding table Efraín’s boss lent him. Since we are making the pork, Tía Carmen is making the black beans and rice and the yucca. I’m hungry just thinking about it. But it also makes me sad because it reminds me of home and of all the cousins who would visit for Nochebuena, bringing a flan or a turron, or some cider or rum. At midnight we would all go to mass, even the children, and I would fall asleep on my mother’s lap. What are my cousins doing now? Is Pepito home with Mami’s parents? Are they able to eat pork? Mami and Papi have been trying to place a phone call to Cuba, but it is almost impossible to do so. There are very few phone lines, and a long distance call is very expensive. Sometimes it takes days just to be able to reach someone on the island, and that is if you’re lucky and your relative is at home when the operator finally puts the call through.
Later
I am so full! It was a wonderful night. Jane and Mrs. Henderson had a good time. I could tell because Mrs. Henderson laughed at Tío Pablo’s stories and helped us women with the washing and the cleaning. She brought a pastry she made herself, something called an apple pie, and it was very tasty. She put vanilla ice cream on top of the warm pastry. O-o-oh! Efraín had three pieces.
Mrs. Henderson also told my parents that I was invited to a dance party she and Jane will host at her house for New Year’s Eve. She is asking ten girls and ten boys, and several parents will be present—including mine, if they would like to. Papi smiled at her politely but told her I was much too young to go to any party, especially on that night, when tradition calls for Cuban families to remain together. Mrs. Henderson blushed, and I was mortified, but thank goodness Papi at least told her we were honored at the invitation.
I’m leaving the best for last. Jane gave me the most fantastic gift. (Here families exchange presents not on Three Kings’ Day, as we do, but on Christmas.) Anyway, guess what she gave me? Fishnet stockings! It is the most beautiful gift in the world. I am wearing them to midnight mass. I have to think of a good gift for her from Los Reyes Magos. Efraín says he will lend me the money if I help him cut the grass at his house.
Must go. Mami is calling me to church. I know I will not fall asleep tonight.
Wednesday, 27th of December
From happiness to sadness so quickly. Mami has been crying almost every night. And when she is not crying, she sits alone staring into space. Ana Mari sits on her lap and hugs her, but she doesn’t pay much attention to the hugs. I also show her all the Nancy Drew books I am reading while on school vacation, but she just nods and looks away. She misses Pepito very much and has not stopped talking about him this week. Tía Carmen says that everybody gets depressed during the first holidays in exile. She remembers she could barely get out of bed, and if not for her job, she would have buried herself under the covers.
Ileana does not help matters, either. Tonight she had a fight with Papi because he will not let her go out with friends to see a movie on Friday. He said a nice young lady from a decent family spends the holidays at home with her loved ones, not tramping about the city. (I think he does not want her to fall in love with a boy if we are to return home soon.) But she screamed that this outing was for only one night. Since she wasn’t allowed to go, she has locked herself in the room. We are not allowed in. Whenever she has a fight with Mami or Papi, Ana Mari and I pay for it. If I wanted to, I could get Ileana in lots more trouble. Not only does she sneak out every once in a while, but I also know that every morning during Christmas vacation, between the time Mami leaves for work and Abuela María comes to take care of us, Ileana has talked on the phone to Tommy. She is lucky I am not a tattletale.
Sunday, 31st of December
I am so sleepy I can barely write, but I am determined to stay up until midnight so that I can eat the traditional twelve grapes that will bring luck and prosperity for the new year. Abuelo Tony slept all afternoon just so he can be the one to throw the bucketful of water out the front door. This will wash away the old year and everything we do not want to keep. Papi says we need a lot of washing away. Lots of buckets. An entire bucket brigade. Sometimes my father can be very funny.
I wish I could have gone to Jane’s party. Ileana even suggested I sneak out, but I’m not as brave as she is. Right now I’m going to concentrate on figuring out what to give Jane for Los Reyes Magos. It has to be something special but not too expensive.
1968
Thursday, 4th of January
1968. 1968. This is the first time I write out each of the digits in the new year. How strange the eight feels. Like an exile!
Tía Carmen took us three girls for a haircut. We did not go to a beauty salon as we used to at home but to my aunt’s hairdresser, who now gives her old clients a trim or a permanent in her own living room. Tía Carmen says her dentist and her doctor from Cuba also see patients in their homes. Like Tío Pablo, each is studying to get a license here, but in the meantime they help their old patients and charge them whatever the patients can afford. Ileana, who is very smart when she is not arguing with our parents, said this kind of arrangement is called an underground economy, which means that people work without the government knowing about it. She also said that more and more people will begin to do this because the government is too busy with the war to serve its people right. This does not sound like Ileana at all, and I am sure she is repeating what Tommy tells her. Tía Carmen told her to stop being a party pooper and be grateful for what she has.
I got my hair cut short just like Mami’s. Though I wish Mami would grow her hair back, I like my new cut very much. It makes me look older and more serious. I think I look a little like the movie star Audrey Hepburn. Won’t Jane be surprised to see me! After our haircuts, Tía Carmen took us to G. C. Murphy’s, and she and Ileana helped me pick out a gift for Jane. I bought a 45 record of Aretha Franklin singing “Respect.” Jane sings that song a lot. It makes me want to dance.
Saturday, 6th of January
Jane loved the gift. We do not have a record player, so we could not listen to it, but she said that as soon as she got home, she would play it on her mom’s.
Her grandparents, who are visiting for the holidays, brought her to the house, but only for a little while. They are very old, older even than mine. They have white hair and blue eyes the color of the sky and both dress the same, like twins, in blue jeans and in cowboy shirts. Every summer they take Jane on a car trip, and they want me to come along when school’s out. Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I would do anything to be allowed to go. Maybe I can start working on Papi now!
Jane’s grandparents were surprised I was not a Negro. They said they thought all the people from the Caribbean islands were Negro. I explained that many are, but my great-grandparents came from Spain. This got me thinking about how people from different countries really do not know much about each other. When I first got here, I thought all los americanos would be very tall and blond. I thought they would eat only hamburgers. But I discovered that is not true. Like Cubans, americanos come in all sizes and colors. They eat different foods, and the language sounds different depending on who is speaking. Mr. Fixx, the physical education teacher, has an accent that Jane says comes from the South. He sounds very different from Jane’s grandparents, who lived in a place called Pittsburgh until they retired.
For Three Kings’ Day, I received a new limecolored dress from Mami and Papi. It is to be worn only for church or special occasions. Tía Carmen and Tío Pablo got me a very pretty blue pant-skirt (just like the ones everyone at school is wearing) and a matching blouse. From A
buela and Abuelo, I received talcum powder and a bottle of an Avon perfume called Sweet Honesty. It smells wonderful. Abuelo Tony then teased me about being so pretty and smelling so good that all the boys would fall at my feet. If he only knew that they do not even know I exist. Besides, all of them are so short, and they act so silly.
Monday, 8th of January
I wore my new pant-skirt to school. I also put a little perfume behind my ears, in the same way Ileana and Mami like to do. With my new haircut, everyone thought I was a new student. Even Srta. Reed said I looked like—guess who—Audrey Hepburn! Julio and David sat with us at lunch and told jokes. Both kept looking at me as if they had never seen me before. Now I know how Ileana feels when boys turn around to look at her. She is very pretty and she knows it, but now I can look pretty, too. I was walking in the clouds all day.
I felt so good I decided to ask Papi about the car trip with Jane. “Are you crazy?” he shouted at me, then walked away. He wouldn’t even discuss it! I guess I have my work cut out for me.
Flight to Freedom Page 7