by E. L. Todd
“I just feel horrible for lying to him. I’m not a liar, especially to my dad.”
“He’ll forgive you.”
“Then I got so mad at him because he interfered with Reid and I…I…”
“What?” I whispered.
“I made him cry. I’ve never done that before.”
I couldn’t even picture it. Uncle Mike dressed as a Roman soldier for Halloween one year and he fit the costume perfectly. Imagining such a beefy man succumbing to tears was impossible. “How?”
“I told him I didn’t trust him anymore and our relationship was over.”
“Because he went to Reid?”
“He had no right to do that.”
“I’d be pissed too but I’m sure he did it for a good reason. Your dad loves you more than anything, Trinity.”
“I know…which is why I feel worse.”
My hand moved to her hair and I tried to comfort her. “When you explain why, he’ll understand.”
“How will I explain anything to him?” she demanded. “I can never tell him about our relationship and how it’s arranged, or why I had to keep it a secret. Nothing I say will make the situation better. He’ll know I lied because I knew I was doing something wrong.”
I wished I could fix this. I hated knowing she was in pain. “Maybe this was something wrong in the beginning but things are different now.” I cupped her face and looked into her eyes. “We both know that.”
“I still don’t know what to call us. We aren’t just fuck buddies but we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend either…”
“Maybe that will change in time.”
“I can’t fess up for maybe, Slade.”
I knew she wanted more from me. There were days, like today, when I thought I could give it to her. But there were also days when I didn’t think it was possible. “It’s only been a few months, Trinity. Give it more time.”
“I just feel so guilty for lying. It was the one thing he asked me not to do.”
“He knows you aren’t perfect, baby.” I kissed her forehead and held her close to me.
She rested her face against my chest and fell silent. Her arm was around my waist and her breath fell hard on my skin.
“Everything will be okay. I promise.” I never made promises to anyone, but with her I wanted to. I wanted to give her the whole world. My entire life I’d been selfish but with her, I was selfless. It was the weirdest sensation, one I could never explain no matter how hard I tried.
“Thanks for…being with me.”
“I needed you too.”
“Why?” she whispered.
“I can’t sleep without you.”
She tilted her face and looked up at me. “Neither can I.”
“Then it sounds like we have a symbiotic relationship.”
“A what?” she asked.
“It means two different entities use each other to live, but they both get something out of it. I use you for happiness. And you use me for—”
“Happiness,” she finished.
“So it sounds like we got something pretty great here.” I kissed her forehead again, unsure why.
“Yeah. It is pretty amazing.”
I grabbed her leg and wrapped it around my waist, wanting to feel her as close to me as possible. I wasn’t tired before she was in my arms but now I was. The world became quiet and every pain I ever felt seemed to evaporate. She was a person I liked to release my carnal frustration with but she was also the person I needed to hold in the deep hours of the night. She seemed to balance me, to bring out the best in me when I thought I had nothing to offer. She made me believe in myself when all I felt was doubt. When the darkness took me and I couldn’t see an inch in front of me, she lit the way. Deep in my mind, somewhere so far I could hardly acknowledge it, I knew something more existed inside me. A different version of me, a better version of me. And I knew it only existed because of her.
***
The next morning, I stared at her face while she slept. Quiet sighs escaped her lips every few seconds. An epiphany occurred to me while I examined the exquisite features of her perfect face. She was the first girl I snuck into my room that I didn’t have sex with. And she was the first girl I actually went to sleep with. And ironically, that didn’t scare me at all.
I slid from the sheets then got dressed before I explored the house. My sister was long gone, out causing mischief around the city. The coffee pot was still on and a piece of burnt toast sat on the counter.
When I went to my parents’ room, the door was open and no one was inside. The bed was perfectly made and my dad’s keys and wallet were gone. I headed back into the living room and searched for my mom’s purse. It was gone.
Everyone was out of the house.
I came back to my room and saw Trinity sitting at the edge of the bed. “Sleep well?”
“I always sleep well with you.”
“Everyone is gone.”
“Good.” She breathed a sigh of relief then stood up. She pulled her clothes on and I tried to hide the desire in my eyes. Morning sex was always my favorite but I didn’t want to pursue her when sadness still lingered in her eyes.
She grabbed her purse. “I should probably go…”
“I’ll take you.” I walked out and grabbed my wallet and keys.
She came behind me and braided her hair quickly. It came out perfect even though she didn’t use a mirror to do it.
“You look beautiful in the morning,” I blurted.
She stilled at my comment. “Thanks…”
I liked it when she didn’t wear make up. She didn’t need it so I didn’t understand why she wore it.
We headed to the door but it opened before I grabbed the handle.
“I left my shop key.” My dad stepped inside wearing a hoodie covered in holes and dark jeans.
Oh shit.
My dad stopped when he spotted Trinity. His foot skidded against the hardwood floor. His eyes widened when his gaze landed on her. He stared at her for a second before his eyes moved to mine.
Fuck. Shit. Fuck.
My dad kept staring at me, realization coming into his features. “You’ve got to be kidding me…”
I didn’t bother making up a lie. My dad was too smart to fall for that. It would just make the situation worse.
Trinity stared at the ground, her cheeks red and hot.
Fuck. My. Life.
My dad abandoned his search for his key. “This is bad…”
I was so fucking screwed. “Dad, please don’t say anything.”
“Trinity is the one you were telling me about? Trinity? Of all people, you had to pick her.”
“Please don’t say anything,” I repeated. “We aren’t ready to talk about it—not like this. I never meant for you to see her.”
“Then why didn’t you keep it in your pants for a night?” He ran his fingers through his hair in irritation.
“I’ll beg if I have to. Please. This is our business and we don’t want anyone to know.”
He shook his head. “You crossed a line, Slade.”
He was going to snitch on me to Uncle Mike. My life was over.
He rubbed his temples then dropped his hands to his sides. “I…I don’t even know how to handle this situation.”
“Please just let it go. We’ll tell people when we’re ready,” I said.
“That you’re just fucking around?” he asked. “With a Preston? Are you crazy, Slade? Do you have any idea who her father is? I know he’s nice to you but it’s only because you haven’t crossed him. Believe me, Mike is fucking psycho. You don’t want to piss him off.”
“I’m aware of that,” I said through clenched teeth. “Which is why I need you to keep this to yourself.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the ground. He was quiet for a long time, and the silence was somehow worse than his words. “Fine.” He raised his hands in the air. “I didn’t see anything.”
Hallelujah. “Thank you. I—”
“I do…”
“Then think about this—long and hard.” He stepped back to the door. “And if you do get caught, you better not take me down with you.”
“I would never do that.”
“Then this never happened.” He walked out and slammed the door.
I stood still and stared at the closed door. My heartbeat was loud in my ears. Processing what just happened was taking me several minutes. I thought we were in the clear before he stormed back inside.
I turned around and looked at Trinity. Her eyes were still wide and her chest was rising and falling like she just ran a marathon. Her hand was fisted in her hair and she looked frightened. “I can’t believe that just happened…”
I wanted to give in to the panic but I couldn’t. “My dad won’t say anything. Everything will be fine.”
“You’re an idiot,” she snapped. “Of course he’s going to say something.”
“No, he won’t,” I said firmly. “My dad always keeps his word.”
“If he doesn’t say anything to my dad, fine. But he’ll say something to your mom, who’s best friends with Skye’s mom, who’s married to my dad’s brother. It’s going to get out, Slade.”
“Trin, he won’t say anything to anyone. I promise.”
“Maybe now he won’t say anything but he could change his mind.” Her voice was high-pitched and loud.
I grabbed both of her arms. “Trinity, I’ve known my dad my entire life. If he makes a promise to me, he keeps it. I know he’s mad, but that doesn’t change what he said. We’ll be fine. Our secret is safe.”
“Maybe I should just tell my dad now…it’ll be better to hear from me than your dad.”
“We aren’t saying anything, Trinity. Just calm down.”
She covered her face. “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.”
I yanked her hands down. “Look, we’re going to get through this. Nothing has changed.”
“And you’ve talked to him about me?” she asked incredulously.
“Not in detail. He just asked if I was sleeping around and I told him I was only sleeping with one person. He was particularly interested in that fact.”
“God, this is awkward.”
“As long as you make it awkward.”
She pulled her arms away and crossed them over her chest, still upset.
“Don’t stress about this. I’ll handle it. Let’s continue like nothing has changed—because nothing has changed.”
“Maybe we should just end this before we get in deeper…”
Her words made me flinch. “No.”
“No?”
“I don’t want to end this. I don’t accept that.”
“Well, you don’t get much of a choice. If I say I want it to be over, it’s over. I know you’ve never had a girlfriend before but that’s how relationships work.”
“No.”
“Stop saying that!”
“You’re only considering it because you’re scared. And I’m telling you, there’s nothing to be scared about. Besides, if my dad does rat us out, it’s irrelevant if we’re still together. Stopping doesn’t erase what already happened. So, that’s a stupid solution and we aren’t doing it.”
She accepted my reasoning. “Fine.”
“I’ll talk to my dad more when he gets off work. I know he’s going to want to have a long, long talk.”
“And I don’t want to be there for that. So take me home.”
“Okay,” I said reluctantly.
***
I was watching TV on the couch when my dad walked through the door. He immediately gave me a disappointed look. Annoyance and anger were etched onto his face. His mouth was pressed together tightly and his eyes were dark.
My mom was stirring sauce on the stove and noticed the tension in the room. “What did Slade do now?”
“Nothing,” my dad muttered. “I just had a bad day at work.”
She laid her spoon down then came to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “You want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” He didn’t reciprocate her affection.
“Are you going to kiss your loving wife or what?”
He gave her a quick kiss then pulled away. “When’s dinner ready?”
“In about an hour or so.” She put her hands on her hips. “Why?”
“Slade and I are going out. We’ll be back before dinner.”
My mom eyed both of us, her suspicion clear. “I’m not sure if I want to know…”
“Slade, let’s go,” my dad barked. He opened the front door and waited for me to walk through.
I sighed, dreading this conversation, and then walked through it.
He closed the door and didn’t say goodbye to my mom, which was extremely odd. Then he walked in front of me the entire way to the bar. He didn’t speak to me or look at me. It was like I wasn’t there.
Once we were inside a booth with our beers in front of us, the drilling began.
My dad gave me a cold and threatening stare. It took a lot to make my dad mad. You really had to stab him in the back to make him smolder and explode. Whenever my parents argued, he was mad but that was still tame for him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he reached across the table and strangled me right then and there. But he didn’t say anything. He just gave me a look of loathing.
“Please don’t say anything to Mom…”
“I already said I wouldn’t say anything,” he snapped. “You don’t need to remind me.” His voice was low but deadly. “I’m the one that needs to remind you what’s right and wrong. So don’t patronize me.”
Ugh, this was going to be a long hour. I rested my arms on the table and didn’t touch my beer.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” he demanded. The booths around us were empty and the lights were dim. But that didn’t make him less terrifying.
“It…just happened.” I shrugged. “And neither one of us wanted to stop.”
“So, you’re just fuck buddies? You’re using her, one of your closest friends?”
“She’s using me too,” I argued.
He glared at me. “Friends don’t do that to each other. No matter how this ends, it ends badly. You’ll either destroy your friendship or change the dynamic of the group. You’re putting my relationship with Mike on the line. This is a time bomb waiting to go off.”
“I know…”
“And you did it anyway?”
“It’s complicated…”
“Complicated how? You could have fucked any other girl in the fucking world but you chose her. Why?”
I didn’t even know the answer to that. “I like her.”
“You like her? That’s it. You like her? You’re using her until you’re bored because you like her? How can you possibly be okay with this?”
“I’m not just using her.” My voice was low because I wanted to keep my dad calm.
“Those are your words I’m using. When I asked if she meant something to you, your answer was no. You said this would end when you find something better to entertain you. You told me you never want to settle down because you’d rather be a hippie. You’re putting so much on the line for nothing?”
“Okay, there’s more to our relationship than that.”
“Like what?” he demanded.
“She and I were never close anyway. Shit, we weren’t even friends. We never liked each other. But then we hooked up and things…changed. I like being around her. I enjoy spending time with her. She’s become my best friend.” I shrugged in the middle of my words. “At some point, I realized I didn’t want her to be with anyone else. And I don’t want to be with anyone else. When she was with Reid, I knew I had to do something to stop it.”
“Like what?”
“I…I promised her I woul
d try.”
“Try what?”
“To be something more with her. To be her boyfriend and have a happily ever after.”
No sympathy moved into his eyes. “Let’s cut the shit, Slade. We both know you’re incapable of that.”
“I don’t think that’s true…” My dad’s words hurt me.
“And what progress have you made?” he asked incredulously.
“I can’t quantify it but I know we aren’t the same as we used to be. I like spending time with her even if we don’t have sex. She’s the only person I can be myself with and not feel judged.”
“So, you really think this is going somewhere? And if it does, you’re just going to drop that bomb on her dad?”
“When I know I can be everything she deserves, then I was going to come clean about it—to everyone. But I didn’t want to deal with the pressure if I wasn’t absolutely sure I could do it.”
“Does anyone else know?” he questioned.
“Just you.”
“You’ve managed to keep it a secret for five months?” he asked incredulously.
I shrugged. “We’re good at sneaking around.”
“How admirable,” he said sarcastically. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.
I didn’t know what else to say. I stared at the table, feeling the disappointment radiate from my father.
He sighed then turned his gaze back on me. “Slade, do you love her?”
The question caught me off guard. “Why are you asking me that?”
“Because I know you aren’t stupid. You must understand what’s at risk here. You’re jeopardizing a lot, including any respect you have left. You’re risking losing Trinity altogether and isolating yourself from everyone else you claim to love. You’re leaving my relationship with Mike in the balance. If you’re going down this road, then you must have a strong reason—because Trinity can’t be that amazing in the sack. So, I’ll ask you again. Do you love her?”
I fisted my hair slowly before returning my hands to the table. I was suddenly aware of how quiet it was in the bar. No one seemed to be around. I felt cornered. There was nowhere for me to go. My dad watched me like I was prey about to be slaughtered. The tension was so strong I felt my skin prickle. My stomach suddenly felt nauseous. I wanted to run away but I was trapped. My father held my gaze, pinning me to the chair.