Blue
I just sat there thinking about his words for a few moments. I knew that he had to have fired off the comment almost as quickly as I’d made the post to my blog—which to me meant that he was being honest.
Chapter 7
I felt uneasy, as I realized that Blue was right.
I did expect others to have a say about my body. I expected people who saw me to judge me about my weight, or my hairstyle—or even the bags under my eyes.
I felt I needed to look a certain way to be acceptable, not just because of how I wanted to look, but because it would please other people.
Sometimes I even wondered if people were offended by the way I looked.
Letting my life be dictated by what I thought others might be thinking was a miserable way to live.
I decided maybe getting some sleep would help to clear my mind.
Not long after I settled into bed, I felt myself starting to fall asleep. When my body began to relax, I felt the anxiety that had been under the surface disappearing as well.
“I’ll take this part!” Someone grabbed the curve of my hip.
“This part’s mine.” Someone else grabbed me by the wrist.
I was very confused. I had no idea where I was. All I knew was that there was a glaring spotlight on me. I couldn’t see the people who were grabbing onto me, but there were hands coming from all directions.
“Don’t take the best parts. Some of her belongs to me!”
I felt more hands seize on my shoulders, my knees, and even my ankles.
I gulped as I tried to figure out what was happening.
“Stop it, please. I don’t belong to any of you!”
“Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.”
They all began chanting my name. Some of their voices even sounded similar to those of people I knew, but I couldn’t place their faces.
“Let go of me!” I tried to squirm away.
“Don’t fight it, Sammy. You belong to us!”
As the people drew closer around me, I felt a deep sense of panic. I knew that in the next moment I would be tugged into little pieces and divided up. I had no idea why, but I was sure it was going to happen.
“No!” I could hear my own scream filling my senses.
I woke up squirming and pounding against my bedroom wall.
“Shut up! I’m sleeping!” My neighbor was not the friendly type.
My heart was still pounding from the dream. I wasn’t sure if I could take a full breath. The idea of people claiming my body was more than I could even begin to process, especially without my coffee.
I climbed out of bed. I didn’t want to risk falling back to sleep and slipping back into the same dream. What I really wanted was to figure out why I felt the way I did.
As I was making coffee, I glanced down at my tattoo. I couldn’t help but smile for even thinking of it as a tattoo. There was a bit of humor in it, after all.
It was nothing but a tiny dot. If I didn’t know to look for it, I wouldn’t have even noticed it. But maybe it meant more than I realized. Maybe I could make it mean more.
I sat down in front of my computer and began looking up some options.
There was the bindi, of course, which had a beautiful meaning—a reminder to see through the mind’s eye. Unfortunately a bindi was meant to be displayed on the forehead, not the wrist.
I could always claim that it was a symbol of the moon or the sun, but I would know that it wasn’t.
I spent most of the morning researching what I could call the dot on my wrist, but after all that time, it was still just a dot. In fact, it looked more like a freckle than anything.
I’d tried to come up with a spiritual way to explain it, but to me it was the mark of failure. I’d made a goal and then not achieved it. If it was because I didn’t want to, that would be one thing. But that was not why I’d not been able to go through with getting the tattoo.
It was only fear that kept me from my heart, and that was the case in life too. Fear kept me from being who I was in my heart, and making choices with my heart.
I knew that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with a tiny little dot staring up at me. I was just going to have to go back and finish the tattoo. There was no other choice in my mind.
But this time I would go alone. I didn’t want anyone to be there to witness me running out of the parlor screaming, if it turned out that way again.
I picked up my phone and sent a text to Barry.
How are you with second chances?
I wondered if he would think I was too silly to even respond to me. How many times had he had someone flip out over a pen tip? He made it seem like it was pretty common, but I had the feeling he was just trying to make me feel better.
I was about ready to give up on him responding when my phone buzzed.
I’m here whenever you want to come back in.
I smiled at his response. He could have teased me—he could have told me to give up, but he was being kind. I knew that he wasn’t making much off of my tiny tattoo, and he’d already spent more time with me than he probably had with other customers.
I really enjoyed Barry’s nature and his ability to remain calm no matter what he was faced with. If he could keep his cool with my throwing a tantrum, then he was pretty patient in my book.
If I was going to go, I needed to go right then. No delays.
I jumped up, grabbed my purse, and headed for the door.
As I drove toward the tattoo parlor I didn’t let my mind wander. Instead. I kept picturing the heart in my mind.
I was going to have it soon.
Chapter 8
I parked my car and walked up to the shop.
Barry was just finishing up with another customer at the register. The woman standing in front of the counter had a big piece of gauze taped to her shoulder. The skin that I could see around it looked red and sore. I grimaced at the sight, but when the woman turned around she had an almost dream-like smile on her lips. I thought it was pretty interesting that she could be so content after getting such a big tattoo.
“Stare much?” she asked.
“Easy, Myra, it’s her first time.” Barry smiled at me from behind the counter.
“Oh, sorry.” Myra’s tone shifted completely. “Would you like to see some of mine?”
I nodded without speaking.
She lifted the hem of her shirt and showed me a bright golden sun tattooed around her belly button. “That was when I was a stupid teenager who thought I’d always be able to wear a bikini.” She laughed at that. “This one is for my husband.” She drew down the neck of her shirt to show me a calligraphy-style L just over her heart.
“They’re beautiful.”
I did think that they were. It was almost as if she was keeping a record of her life on her body.
“I have more, but Barry banned me from dropping my pants in the shop.” Myra giggled.
“I meant it too, Myra. It scares the customers.”
“Ha ha!” She stuck her tongue out at him.
I saw that she had a big silver ball and bar sticking out of her tongue. I had to grit my teeth to keep my mouth from dropping open. I wasn’t sure about a tattoo; I couldn’t even imagine getting something pierced through my tongue.
“Are you ready to try again, Samantha?” Barry asked. He walked around the side of the counter toward me.
“I think so.” I nodded.
“Alright, hop up then.” He gestured to the chair.
I looked at it feeling surprisingly calm. I expected to want to run in the other direction, but instead I found that I was feeling a little eager to sit down.
Once I was settled, Barry walked over to his CD player. He turned it on and soft music began playing throughout the shop. “I thought this might help a little.”
I smiled with gratitude. “I think I can do it this time. But just in case, you should probably wear something padded.”
“Ha! I’m no amateur.” He grinned. “I learned my lesson on the
first ankle tattoo I did.”
“What happened?” I barely noticed him preparing my skin while we were talking.
“That’s how I got this gold tooth.” He flashed me his tooth.
“It hurt so bad she kicked you?” I cringed.
“No! I wasn’t careful about how I grabbed her foot and I tickled her. She kicked up at the tickle and knocked the tattoo gun right back into my tooth. It broke right off.” He shook his head. “Now I know how to dodge.”
“Well, that’s good, I guess.” I tried not to laugh. I didn’t want to do anything to shake my wrist. “So when are you going to start?”
“I already have.” Barry smiled.
I hadn’t even noticed him picking up the tattoo gun. It really didn’t even hurt all that much.
I watched with fascination as Barry worked with precise steady movements. When I glanced up at his face I could see a faint smile on his lips. It was clear to me that he really enjoyed his job.
“Are you doing okay?”
“I think so.” I didn’t want to speak too loudly. I was afraid that any sudden sound would jolt me out of the peaceful zone I’d settled into.
“Almost done.” He flashed me a full smile and then returned to his work.
I had to admit that I’d gotten used to what pain there was. It felt more like a rough tickling than anything torturous. When he pulled the gun away, I felt a little queasy at the sight of my red and swollen skin.
“It’s okay.” He carefully dabbed at my skin. “It looks angry, but it’s perfectly normal.”
“Thanks.”
“Here, take a look.” He sat back so that I could have the full view of the tattoo.
When I looked at it, I couldn’t believe how it made me feel. I’d expected to have a twinge of regret, or even guilt, but instead I felt complete. It was as if the tattoo had been meant to be there the entire time.
“It’s perfect.” I nodded happily.
As he gave me careful instructions about how to care for my tattoo while it healed, it was hard for me to pay attention. I was quite excited to get back to the apartment and show Max the final outcome.
Max was my undying support, but I was beginning to think that there were some things I was just going to have to do on my own. Max could have been there to hold my hand, but if he had been, I might have felt content enough not to follow through with it.
I realized that sometimes change and growth was going to be chaotic, and maybe I needed that bit of chaos to keep me motivated.
“Thanks again, Barry.” I waved to him before walking out the door.
I felt wonderful and confident once again as I made the drive home.
I texted Max as soon as I got back to my apartment.
Can you come over?
He responded right away.
Be there in ten.
I was glad that he wasn’t busy. I couldn’t wait to show him what I’d done. I wanted to keep it a secret for as long as I could, because I was sure he was going to be surprised—plus I wanted to make him try to guess.
Chapter 9
A few minutes later Max gave a short knock and then walked through the door of my apartment. I opened my mouth to tell him that I had a surprise, but before I could speak, he started talking.
“I’ve got a surprise for you.” He held up a small brown paper bag that was barely big enough to hold a post card.
“Oh?” Now I was curious. My surprise could wait. What could he possibly have in that small a bag? I knew it had to be something good, because he was grinning. “What is it?”
“Well, I know you were upset yesterday, so I wanted to tell you—sometimes you have to do things in steps. You wanted to take the big leap, but maybe we need to try something a little easier first. So I bought you these.” He reached into the bag and pulled out a small set of temporary tattoos. “See? Hearts!”
My heart melted at his eager smile. I smiled back at him. I didn’t want to reveal the truth just yet. I wanted to bask in the warmth of his kindness.
“This is really great. Thanks, Max.”
“I thought you could try it out for a bit, and if you like it, then maybe we could try the tattoo parlor again. There’s really no reason to rush into it.”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to outright lie, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment by revealing the truth either.
“First I’ll let you put one anywhere you want on me.” He held out the tattoos.
“Anywhere?” I couldn’t help but grin.
“Any respectable area.” He locked eyes with me and laughed.
I bit into my bottom lip. I should tell him, I thought to myself. When he finds out after all of this, he might be mad. But the temptation was just too strong.
The Zara in me was telling me to be bold, to be fun, and to enjoy the gift that the universe had placed in front of me.
“Hm. How about…here?” I touched the back of his shoulder.
He twisted his neck to take a look. “Sure. I’d have to take my shirt off.”
Don’t look too eager, don’t giggle—for the love of God don’t giggle. I giggled. “If you don’t mind.”
Max looked at me with suspicion, then started to tug his shirt off. It got caught a bit around his neck so I reached up to help him. It was just instinct for me to offer to help him.
“What’s that?” He’d spotted the small white bandage on my wrist.
“Oh, uh—”
He grabbed my wrist before I could pull it away. At the same time he tugged his shirt back down.
“You got it!”
“I went back today.”
“Let me see! Did you get the whole thing?”
“Yup.” I lifted the tape so that he could see the tattoo. I held out my wrist for him to inspect.
He took my hand gently in his.
“It’s lovely, Sammy.” Max smiled as he studied the little red heart that had been etched into my skin.
I met his eyes and longed to tell him exactly how I felt about him. Instead, I did my best to express myself without revealing the truth.
He looked up at me. “Did it hurt?”
“Not much.” I shook my head. “I thought it would be very painful, but it was really just a dull sensation.”
“I wish I could have been there.”
“Max, I never would have been brave enough to do this without you.”
“But you did do it without me.” He let go of my hand and smiled at me. “You did it all on your own.”
“Not really. You helped me through the first steps. If I didn’t have your voice playing in my head, I probably wouldn’t have done it.”
“Hey, that’s what I’m here for.”
“It means a lot that you’re here.”
“Don’t get sappy on me, Sam.” He lowered his voice and looked into my eyes. “You might make me cry.”
“Oh, hush.” I shook my head. Then I looked back down at the heart. It was such a beautiful sight for me to see. It reminded me of everything that I’d tried so hard to accomplish in my life. “So do I still get to put that tattoo anywhere I want?”
“Anywhere.” He smiled in return. He started to pull off his shirt.
“No, not there. I changed my mind.”
“Where?” He looked at me.
“Right here.” I stuck the glossy tattoo to the middle of his forehead.
“No way!” He laughed. “I do have to go out in public, you know.”
“You can’t wear your heart proudly?”
“I could, but I’d rather not.” There was a hint of shyness in his smile.
Always confident Max—nearly arrogant Max—wasn’t bold enough to walk around with a heart on his forehead?
“How about here?” He held out his wrist and pointed to the same spot where I’d gotten mine.
I hesitated for a moment. It seemed far too sweet to me for us to have nearly matching tattoos. Of course one was fake, one was real, and Max was just trying to be supportive.
“Are
you sure?” I met his eyes.
“If it’s okay with you.” He shrugged. “It will make me feel better about missing out on the real thing.”
“Alright.” I smoothed the tattoo onto his skin, then I grabbed a wet towel to rub it in. As I was rubbing the towel lightly across his skin, I caught him looking steadily at me.
“Stare much?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, sorry.” He glanced away.
I giggled a little. It was interesting to see this side of Max. “I was just teasing. What do you think?”
He looked down at the heart on his wrist. He shook his head. “I’m glad it’s temporary.”
“No worries, Max. No commitments.”
“I’m glad that you got your tattoo. You should be very happy with yourself.”
“I am. I really appreciate you bringing these over to cheer me up too. I really am so lucky to have you.”
“Yes.” Max sighed playfully and wrapped his arms around me. “Yes, you are. But not as lucky as I am.” He kissed the top of my head. “So we’ll have to continue our day out another day?”
“I’d like that.”
“I’ve got to run and do some errands, but take care of that tattoo.”
“I will.” I smiled.
I walked him to the door, stealing one more hug before he left.
Chapter 10
As I stood in the doorway for a few seconds, I thought about whether I was letting my relationship with Max stop me from being my true self with others.
I didn’t think so. Not any more.
I’d learned that I could love Max, without his being the only person who really knew me. I knew that Max accepted me for who I was. I just needed to get comfortable with the idea that I could be who I was, even if others didn’t accept it.
I took some time to admire my tattoo once more. I was glad that it would never wash off. I was glad that it would always be there to remind me to live through my heart, not my fear.
I kept expecting to regret it in some way, but the more I looked at it, the happier it made me.
I decided that it was time to update my blog and let my readers know—especially Blue—that I’d finally gone through with it.
Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) Page 47