I looked up at him and the clenching in my chest eased just a fraction. Was Dad telling me I didn’t have to agree?” But then he spoke again, crushing that notion.
“Dawn, we’re really happy for you and George. I’m sure Kit doesn’t want to hold Ryuu back.”
I was going to argue, but just then, Ryuu burst through the door in a flurry of cold air and blowing, icy rain. “Wow, its cold!” He dropped a bundle of fall flowers, wrapped in bright orange and red paper onto the little table by the door, and slipped off his coat and shoes.
He caught sight of our faces and froze. “What’s going on?”
I stood and went to take the flowers and put them in water. “Nothing. We were just trying to decide if we should have desert now or wait a while.” I glanced at Ryuu’s face and away, determined not to ruin his Thanksgiving.
“I vote for now,” he said, rubbing his graceful hands together. “I want something hot.”
I brushed the glittering drops of moisture off his hair and pointed at the kitchen. “Go turn the oven on to preheat. Heat comes out of the right corner when the oven’s on.”
Ryuu sped away to the kitchen. I felt three pairs of eyes on me, but I refused to look back. I had no idea what I was going to say to Ryuu.
*****
I tried to focus on the practice questions Wyatt had given me this afternoon, but it was no use. I rolled over on my back and put my arm over my face. I wished it was all just a nightmare and I was still fourteen years old- no need to study tenth grade math.
“You okay?” I peeked out from under my arm to see that Ryuu was marking his place in his book with an old, beat-up bookmark. What was I going to do about Ryuu? I couldn’t tell him to stay here and ruin his chance to do something great just because I was scared to be alone. He shut the moldy tome with a thump and sat cross-legged on his bedroom floor, regarding me with a worried expression.
I mustered what little will power I had left and sat up. “I’m fine,” I said, plastering on a smile. “It’s just math.” No use crying about it. Though that’s what I felt like doing.
He squinted at me suspiciously. “It’s not just math.”
I sighed, feeling like his dark eyes could see right inside my soul. “No. It’s not. It’s everything.”
“Tell me,” he insisted.
I shoved my math book back into my backpack to avoid meeting his eyes. “I just feel… overwhelmed. Like I can’t do anything right. Like I can’t keep up.” I rolled my shoulders, feeling the tension there.
Ryuu scooted around so that his back was against the side of his bed. “Come here.” He gestured at the spot in front of him.
I raised my eyebrows, but did what he asked, sitting facing him. He made a little gesture with his hand. “Turn around.”
I sat cross-legged in front of Ryuu. “Okay, now what?”
There was a hint of a smile in his voice. “Now you meditate.”
I snorted. “I’m not one of your monk friends.”
He leaned around me and looked up to meet my eyes. “I know it sounds crazy, but it will help you relax.” He sat up. “Before, when you were…gone. I felt so confused and overwhelmed. When I met Fumio this was one of the first things he taught me- how to quiet my mind so that I wasn’t stuck in that endless loop of worry. You’re no good to anyone if you’re so confused you can’t do anything.”
Was he really only fourteen? I took a deep breath. “Okay.” I couldn’t really argue with him when he reminded me about how much he had worried about me, and how hard he’d worked to get me back. “What do I need to do?”
“Just close your eyes.” I did, feeling extremely silly.
“Now focus on your breathing. Don’t try to change how you breathe, but notice it and try to focus on just that. Don’t let any other thoughts distract you. You want to go blank.”
I tried. After a few minutes I almost managed…but things kept popping up, thoughts about my Dad, worry that he would never be sober again; thoughts about school, my failing grades, Andrea and Wyatt, and all the other faces that stared at me every day; worry about Ryuu and this thing he was set on doing; and this overwhelming feeling that had lingered since I woke up from the curse- that something just wasn’t right. I shifted uncomfortably, unable to sit still.
Ryuu put his hands on my shoulders, urging me to be still. “I’ll try to help. Just close your eyes and breathe. Think of somewhere nice; maybe a forest, or a garden or something.” He put his legs on either side of me and pulled me back so that my back rested against his chest and I could feel him breathing. “If you want…” his soft voice resonated through me, tinged with embarrassment, “you could try to think of me being there with you.”
It was awkward, but gradually it started to work. I told myself to think of nothing. I matched my breathing to the rise and fall of Ryuu’s chest at my back. And then I was just… there.
The whole scene opened up in my mind like a movie, but more vivid. I was standing in a little garden. It was similar to the manicured grounds of the Buddhist temple, but this garden was surrounded by trees- a deep forest with no buildings, no sounds of cars or street noise. Just the sound of the breeze rustling the tree leaves.
I stood in the middle of the garden as I watched the dragon bounding toward me in rolling, rippling loops. I wanted to speak, but I couldn’t. The dragon reached me and stood on his hind legs, regarding me with amused topaz eyes. I brought him this time. I could hear the thought and I knew he was referring to the last dream. I turned, expecting to find Ryuu behind me.
Instead, I found the longhaired man. He was silent as ever, and his face was still shadowed, but I could see a glimpse of his features here and there as he moved toward me. The dragon coiled around him, like a wreath of smoke. The man wore his long, black hair draped over one shoulder, and the dragon perched its front feet on the other. He wore his typical white get-up, only this time I recognized it as traditional Japanese clothing- like the stuff Ryuu’s grandmother wore in the old photos. I wanted to ask him who he was, but I still couldn’t quite form words.
The dragon was grinning at me from the man’s shoulder. Without thinking, I stepped forward and lifted a hand to stroke his head. He didn’t stop me or pull away from my reaching hand. I was right; his fur was unbelievably silky to the touch, flowing through my fingers like water. And then I burst into flames.
It didn’t hurt, being on fire. But I could feel the heat, lifting my hair and coating me in red. My arm, reaching out to touch the dragon, was coated in flames. The fire danced like a living thing across my skin. I was on fire, but I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t burning. I wasn’t on fire- I was the fire.
My eyes met the eyes of the man. They were topaz, just like the dragon’s. The shadows played over his face, still keeping him hidden from me. I stood my ground when he stepped closer. The flames engulfed him too, but it didn’t seem to bother him. He lifted big, graceful hands, hidden until now in the deep sleeves of his shirt, and placed them on my shoulders. The sensation echoed the feel of Ryuu’s hands on me in the real world.
He was much taller than me, broad-shouldered and intimidating. I looked up at him as he tilted his head, watching the flames that stretched above us toward the sky. He was wreathed in fire, and it seemed to make him easier to see. I could just make out his wide mouth then, and the corners turned up in a beautiful, angelic smile as he watched my fire dance around us.
He lowered his head to look into my eyes, and I felt that he was happy. I’d never gotten this impression from him before. His presence had always felt stern and imposing. His features were still indistinct, but I got a glimpse of high cheekbones and almond eyes, and I felt that I should recognize him. I stared hard, trying to see through whatever was stopping me. I felt like I was almost there, the shadows falling away in layers, when the dragon’s head jerked up, drawing my attention. He gave me a wry look. Then there was a loud noise. I jumped and my eyes flew open, destroying the vision.
I was in Ryuu’s bedroom, sitting
on the carpet. No dragon. No mysterious man. No fire. Just Dawn, standing in the doorway, looking embarrassed as she picked up the box she had dropped. I blinked at her, feeling disoriented.
Ryuu took a deep breath behind me, reminding me that I was sitting between his legs, leaning against him with his arms wrapped around my shoulders. I sat up hastily. Dawn slid the box onto his desk. “Some more things came from Japan,” she said cheerily. “Maybe you guys should study in the living room from now on?” She cocked an eyebrow at me and my face flamed.
I rushed to assure her. “We weren’t…” But Ryuu cut me off, standing and crossing the room to examine the box.
“Is this from Obaasan?” He peered at the address label.
Dawn nodded. “Probably some more of your mom’s stuff.” She patted his shoulder and left the room.
I cleared my throat uncomfortably. “Um… so. Your mom’s stuff?”
His dark eyes met mine and he stared at me for a minute. The look on his face was something I’d never seen before. Completely unfathomable.
“How was your meditation?”
“Ah…” I stammered. “It was interesting.”
The strange expression melted into a smile. “Did you manage to take your mind off what was bothering you?”
I nodded emphatically. “Definitely.”
“Come on, let’s go to the living room before Dawn has a stroke.” He was still smiling when he turned and left the room. The expression reminded me of the dragon. Why did I feel like he was laughing at me?
*****
The breeze ruffled my hair and made the damp leaves on the ground flutter dully as it passed. It wouldn’t be too long and everything would be covered in snow.
“Mom used to make me picnics, and we’d sit out here and eat,” I said off-hand.
Ryuu looked down at me, the bright sun behind him casting his face in shadows and making it nearly impossible to see his features. “Why did your mom leave?”
He shaded his face with his hand and I could see his dark eyes. They were worried. I think he was afraid, as everyone always was these days, of bringing up my mom. He knew full well that missing her wasn’t what had caused me to plunge into insanity. Still, there may have been something to all that nonsense the doctors and psychologists spouted about difficulty coping. Maybe something in me was weak, and that was why I’d been so easily possessed by the evil thing.
I spread my arms out in the grass, like I was making a snow angel, and looked up at the flat layers of clouds overhead. You couldn’t see them moving today like you could some other times. These ones were slow and grey-tinged. They seemed so still and permanent; you wouldn’t think that they were already on their way, drifting by. Tomorrow they’d be gone. Maybe replaced with other clouds. The cold, watery sun was doing its best to shine through them, but it was losing the battle. I knew how the poor thing felt.
“I was only nine,” I said finally. “I don’t remember much about what happened- you know, what led up to her leaving.”
I only had the one memory, really. “I remember Mom staring out the kitchen window, looking out at the back yard, just staring. She looked so… absent. Like she wasn’t really there, you know?” I sighed. I could still remember the pink plaid shirt she was wearing, and the way her hair was falling out of its bun. “I asked her ‘what’s wrong mommy?’”
“She just turned to me and looked at me like she didn’t know me. It doesn’t sound like much now, but for a little girl it was scary. Then she said ‘I don’t remember.’”
Ryuu was still staring down at me, watching my face with his dark, perceptive eyes. “She always wore this broach. Something grandma gave her.” I gestured at my chest, “Just here. Or sometimes on a necklace or pinned in her hair.” I put my closed my eyes against the glare of the sun and the deceptive clouds. I remembered it glittering like a treasure in the sun that was coming in the window.
“It looked so shiny, and mom looked so… dull. Dad came in then and kissed her on the forehead. He didn’t notice that she still looked confused.”
I curled my fingers into the tickling blades of grass. “That’s the last time I ever saw her. She left without any warning. There was no fighting- at least none I ever saw. She must have been having an affair or something. Maybe that’s why she was always so forgetful.” Now that I was a bit older, I imagined she had been thinking of her dashing, exciting lover. Maybe she’d had him on her mind so much that she didn’t notice her plain, boring old family anymore.
Ryuu let out his breath, but he didn’t say anything. “For a long time, we thought she would just come back one day the same way she’d left. She never did. Not once. She sends me postcards and says she’ll call, but she always forgets.”
I took a deep breath and let it all wash out of me. “Like you told me once, it’s not like she died. She’s still out there somewhere. It doesn’t really compare to your parents.”
Ryuu shook his head and the thin sun glistened in his dark hair. “No, it’s not the same. I think…I think it’s almost worse somehow.”
I stared up at him, while he tried to explain. “My parents- they were taken away from me.” He said decidedly. “They had no choice in it. They didn’t leave me. Your mom chose to leave. That makes it more painful for you, I think.”
I lifted my hand and wiped away the wetness that had somehow sprung from my eyes. “I suppose you’re right.” I sighed. “Maybe I was just a terrible kid- I know I was stubborn and full of energy- maybe I was just too much for her.”
“I bet that’s not true.” Ryuu sounded so sure. “You’re always happy and warm. You could never be bad.” Somehow, that made me feel better- and made me want to cry even more at the same time. I sure didn’t feel happy now.
Cool, slender fingers brushed the hair back from my face. “We’ll always have each other,” he said softly. “Neither one of us will ever be alone.”
He sounded so serious, so sure of himself. And much, much more adult than he should. I glanced up at him and his topaz eyes reflected the sun. It was a lie.
“You don’t know that,” I said morosely. “We won’t be together for much longer.” I lifted my eyes to his, and the fear and pain that I’d promised to hide from him came gushing out. “They’re sending you away- did you know that? To some fancy school on the east coast.”
Ryuu’s eyes narrowed, but he didn’t look very surprised. “So that’s what they’re up to,” he said with a bitter laugh. “I knew they were up to something. They always stop talking when I walk into the room. It’s like it was right after my parents died, when people are talking about you and they don’t want you to know.”
He patted me on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. I won’t go. They can’t force me.”
I shrugged him off. “Ryuu, what do you want to do when you grow up?”
He smiled at me. “When I grow up? I want to be an astronaut.”
I frowned. “You know what I mean. What do you want to do with your life?”
He looked down at me, his mouth quirked up in a half-smile. “What I’m doing right now.”
I sighed in exasperation. “What, go to junior high and sit in your neighbor’s backyard?”
He shook his head, the last of the teasing humor disappearing, and that older-than-he-should-be thing settling over him. “You know what I mean,” he said, purposefully repeating my words. He looked out across the yard, like he was looking at the whole city from here- maybe the whole world. “I want to find the cursed things and stop them from hurting people.”
I sighed. “You should think more about your future,” I said, channeling my own inner adult. “Eventually you’ll have to work. You’ll need a place to live.”
I sat up and stared at him, hard. “You should go. To the east coast.”
He frowned at me. “You want me to leave?”
I nodded. “I don’t need a babysitter. I’m making friends at school. And Fumio is here. I’m not helpless. I don’t need you to protect me.”
He o
pened his mouth to protest, but I cut him off. “And you’re smart. Really smart. You need to go to college and be a…a physicist or something.”
His eyes were like deep, black pools. If a person stared too long, it was possible they might fall in there and never be heard from again. I looked away.
“You don’t care if I go away?” His smooth voice caught a little, cracked and squeaked.
I couldn’t help grinning at him as he cleared his throat awkwardly. “It’s not like you’re dying or something. I’ll see you on breaks and holidays, I’m sure.”
But I wasn’t sure. In fact, I thought he would probably love it there, surrounded by people as smart and wonderful as he was. Dawn and George wouldn’t be here anymore, and what would be the chance that he would find many opportunities to drag himself way out here just to see me?
He grabbed my hand. “Kit.”
I wouldn’t look at him, determined not to ruin his chance to go to a great school and be surrounded by opportunities. He squeezed my hand so hard the bones ground together and I looked at him in surprise.
“Stop treating me like I don’t matter.” He was hurt.
Anger flared up inside me. “Stop acting like you’re some super hero or something.” I yanked my hand away from him and stood. “Just…just go to your stupid school and leave me alone! I don’t want to see your face again. I’m sick of you and your curses, and monks, and idiotic saving the world crap!” Fuming, I stomped into the house and slammed the door.
When I got to my room, I threw myself across the bed and sobbed. Treat him like he didn’t matter? When had I ever done that? It was his fault. Always clinging to me. Following me around like a puppy with those stupid black eyes and that adoring face. Everyone would blame me if he said he was staying here. They would all say I was a bad influence, that I was ruining his future, they would pity him for giving up everything for his pathetic, mentally unstable friend- and I didn’t want it. “I wish I’d never met him!”
Chapter 15
When Saturday came, I found myself standing by a small brick fire pit, warming my hands while big, fluffy snowflakes drifted down like magic. The whoops and laughter of people launching themselves down the gigantic sledding hill echoed through the woods. The local park kept a nice sled run open during the winter months, and Sean’s birthday was a great excuse to take advantage of this first, early snow.
Kami Cursed (Dragon and Phoenix) Page 14