A Thousand Boy Kisses

by Tillie Cole

  I staggered backward, unbalanced by his words. His words that were like bullets to my heart. Rune watched me without showing guilt. I saw no sympathy in his glare. Just the cold, hard truth.

  He meant every word.

  Then, taking a lead from him, I let anger take hold. I handed the reins to all the anger I felt. I rushed forward and pushed at Rune’s hard chest. Not expecting him to move, I was surprised when he fell back a single step, before quickly regaining his ground.

  But I didn’t stop.

  I flew at him again, hot tears streaming down my face. I pushed and I pushed at his chest. Firmly grounded, Rune didn’t budge. So I struck out. A sob escaped from my mouth as I hit at his torso, the muscles bunching beneath his t-shirt as I released everything that had built up inside me.

  “I hate you!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “I hate you for this! I hate this person you are now! I hate him, I hate you!” I choked on my screams and I stumbled backward, exhausted.

  Seeing his glare still firmly aimed at me, I used the very last drop of my energy to shout, “I was saving you!” I breathed deeply for a few moments, then added, quietly, “I was saving you, Rune! I was saving you from the pain. I was saving you from feeling helpless, like everyone else I loved.”

  Rune’s dark-blond eyebrows became a hard line over his eyes. Confusion distorted his beautiful face.

  I stepped back one more time. “Because I couldn’t see you, couldn’t bear the thought of you seeing what was going to happen to me. I couldn’t bear to do it to you when you were so far away.” Sobs left my throat. So many sobs that my chest began to wheeze through exertion.

  I coughed, clearing my throat and moving forward to where Rune was standing still, like a statue. Laying my hand over my heart, I said in a croaked voice, “I had to fight. I had to give it my all. I had to try. And I wanted you along with me more than you could ever imagine.” My wet lashes began to dry in the cool breeze. “You would have dropped everything to try to get to me. You already hated your parents, hated your life in Oslo; I could hear it every time we spoke. You had grown so bitter. How could you have ever possibly coped with this?”

  My head throbbed, a pounding headache taking hold.

  I needed to leave. I needed to leave it all. I backed away. Rune remained deathly still. I wasn’t even sure he had blinked.

  “I need to go, Rune.” I gripped onto my chest, knowing that the last piece of me would break with what I said next. “Let’s just leave this here, in the blossom grove we loved so much. Let us end whatever we had … whatever we were.” My voice had almost faded to nothing, but with a final push, I whispered, “I’ll stay away from you. You stay away from me. We’ll finally put us to rest. Because it has to be this way.” I ducked my eyes, not wanting to see the hurt in Rune’s eyes. “I can’t bear all the pain.” I laughed weakly.

  “I need moonbeam hearts and sunshine smiles.” I smiled to myself. “It’s what’s keeping me going. I won’t stop believing in a beautiful world. I won’t let it break me.” I forced myself to look at Rune. “And I won’t be the cause of any more hurt for you.”

  As I turned my head, I saw a fissure of agony fracture Rune’s expression. But I didn’t stall. I ran. I ran fast, just managing to pass my favorite tree when Rune grabbed my arm and swung me around again.

  “What?” he demanded. “What the hell are you talking about?” He was breathing harshly. “You just explained nothing! You spout about saving me and sparing me. But from what? What did you think I couldn’t handle?”

  “Rune, please,” I begged and pushed him away. He was on me in a flash, hands on my shoulders, anchoring me in place.

  “Answer me!” he shouted.

  I pushed from him again. “Let me go!” My heart raced with trepidation. My skin prickled with goosebumps. I turned to go again, but his hands held me still. I struggled and struggled, trying to get away, for once trying to flee the tree whose shelter always brought me solace.

  “Let me go!” I shouted again.

  Rune leaned in. “No, tell me. Explain yourself!” he shouted back.

  “Rune—”

  “Explain!” he shouted, cutting me off.

  I shook my head faster, trying, to no avail, to escape. “Please! Please!” I begged.

  “Poppy!”

  “NO!”

  “EXPLAIN!”

  “I’M DYING!” I screamed into the silent grove, unable to take it anymore. “I’m dying,” I added breathlessly. “I’m … dying…”

  As I clutched my chest, trying to catch my breath, the enormity of what I’d done slowly filtered into my brain. My heart pounded. It pounded from the onslaught of panic. It pounded and raced with the terrifying knowledge of what I’d just admitted … of what I’d just confessed.

  I continued to stare at the ground. Somewhere in my brain, it registered that Rune’s hands had frozen on my shoulders. As I felt the heat from his palms, I also realized that they were shaking. I heard his breath, dragging and labored.

  I forced myself to raise my gaze and lock on to Rune’s. His eyes were wide and racked with pain.

  At that moment, I hated myself. Because that look in his eyes, that haunted, gutting stare, was the reason I had broken my promise to him two years ago.

  It was why I’d had to set him free.

  As it turned out, I had only imprisoned him with bars of rage instead.

  “Poppy…,” he whispered, accent heavy, as his face paled to the whitest of white.

  “I have Hodgkin lymphoma. It’s advanced. And it’s terminal.” My voice trembled as I added, “I have a matter of months left to live, Rune. There’s nothing anyone can do.”

  I waited. I waited to see what Rune had to say, but he said nothing. Instead, he backed away. His eyes traveled over my face, searching for any sign of deception. When none was found, he shook his head. A soundless “no” left his mouth. Then he ran. He turned his back on me, and he ran.

  It was many minutes before I found the strength to move.

  It was ten minutes after that when I walked through the door of my house, where my mama and daddy were sitting with the Kristiansens.

  But it was only seconds after seeing me when my mama rushed to where I stood, and I fell into her arms.

  Where I broke my heart for the heart I’d just broken.

  The one I’d always strived to save.

  Rune

  I’M DYING … I’m dying … dying … I have Hodgkin lymphoma. It’s advanced. And it’s terminal … I have a matter of months left to live, Rune. There’s nothing anyone can do…

  I sprinted through the darkness of the park as Poppy’s words circled around and around my mind. I’M DYING … I’m dying … dying … I have a matter of months left to live, Rune. There’s nothing anyone can do…

  Pain, the like of which I never knew was possible, pierced my heart. It sliced, stabbed and throbbed away at me until my feet skidded to a stop and I fell to my knees. I tried to breathe, but the pain had barely just begun, moving to rip through my lungs until nothing was left. It traveled with lightning speed through my body, taking all, until only pain remained.

  I’d been wrong. I’d been so wrong.

  I had thought that Poppy cutting me off for two years was the greatest pain I would ever have to endure. It had changed me, fundamentally changed me. Being broken up, simply being frozen out hurt … but this … this…

  Falling forward, crippled by the pain in my stomach, I roared into the darkness of the empty park. My hands scratched at the hard earth beneath my palms, twigs slicing at my fingers, ripping up my nails.

  But I welcomed it. This pain I could cope with, but the pain inside…

  Poppy’s face flashed into my mind’s eye. Her perfect damn face as she entered the den tonight. Her smiling face finding Ruby and Deacon, and that smile fading from her lips when her eyes found mine. I saw the devastation flash across her face when she saw Avery sitting beside me, my arm around her shoulders.

  What she had
n’t seen was me watching her from the kitchen window as she sat outside with Jorie. She hadn’t seen me arrive when I’d never planned to be there in the first place. When Judson texted me that Poppy had arrived, nothing could hold me back.

  She’d ignored me. From the minute I saw her in the hallway last week, she’d never said a word to me.

  And it killed me.

  I thought when I came back to Blossom Grove there would be answers. I thought I’d discover why she pulled away.

  I choked on a strangled sob. I never, ever, in my wildest dreams, thought it could be anything like this. Because it’s Poppy. Poppymin. My Poppy.

  She couldn’t die.

  She couldn’t leave me behind.

  She couldn’t leave any of us behind.

  Nothing made sense if she wasn’t around. She had more life to live. She was meant to be with me for eternity.

  Poppy and Rune for infinity.

  Forever always.

  Months? I couldn’t … she couldn’t…

  My body shook as another raw bellow ripped from my throat, the feeling of this pain no less than if I were being hung, drawn and quartered.

  Tears fell freely down my face, pouring on to the dried dirt below my hands. My body was stuck in place, my legs refused to move.

  I didn’t know what to do. What the hell was there to do? How did you get past not being able to help?

  Tipping my head back to the star-filled sky, I closed my eyes. “Poppy,” I whispered, as the salt from my tears forced its way into my mouth. “Poppymin,” I murmured again, my endearment fading to nothing on the breeze.

  In my mind I saw Poppy’s green eyes, as real as if she was sitting in front of me … I have a matter of months left to live, Rune. There’s nothing anyone can do…

  This time my cries didn’t clog in my throat. They were freed and they were many. My body shuddered with the force of them when I thought of what she must have gone through. Without me. Without me beside her, holding her hand. Without me kissing her head. Without me holding her in my arms when she was sad, when the treatment made her weak. I thought of her facing all of that pain with only half a heart. Half of her soul struggling to cope without its counterpart.

  Mine.

  I wasn’t sure how long I sat in the park. It felt like forever until I was able to stand. And as I walked, I felt like an imposter in my own body. Like I was trapped in a nightmare, and when I woke up I would be fifteen again. None of this would be happening. I would wake up in the blossom grove under our favorite tree, with Poppymin in my arms. She’d laugh at me when I woke up, pulling my arm tighter around her waist. She’d tip up her head, and I’d lower my head for a kiss.

  And we’d kiss.

  We’d kiss and we’d kiss. When I pulled back, with the sunlight on her face, she’d smile at me with her eyes still closed and whisper, “Kiss two thousand and fifty-three. In the blossom grove, beneath our favorite tree. With my Rune … and my heart almost burst.” I’d gather my camera in my hands and I’d wait, my eye ready at the lens for the moment she would open her eyes. That moment. That magical captured moment, where I’d see in her eyes how much she loved me. And I’d tell her I loved her back, as I ran the back of my hand gently down her cheek. Later I’d hang that picture on my wall so I could see it every single day…

  The sound of an owl hooting pulled me from my daze. When I blinked back the fantasy, it hit me like a truck—it was exactly that: a fantasy. Then the pain surged back and stabbed me with the truth. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that she was dying.

  My vision blurred with fresh tears, and it took me a moment to realize that I was at the tree that I’d pictured in my dreams. The one we always sat below. But when I looked up at it in the darkness, with the cool wind whipping through its branches, my stomach turned. The branches bare of leaves, their spindly arms twisting and turning, all reflected this moment in time.

  The moment I knew that my girl was leaving.

  I forced myself to walk; somehow, my feet led me home. But as I walked, my mind was a jumble of uncertainty—scattered, refusing to pin anything down. I didn’t know what to do, where to go. Tears poured ceaselessly from my eyes; the pain inside my body was settling into a new home. No part of me was spared.

  I did it to save you…

  Nothing could save me from this. The thought of her so sick, fighting to keep the light she beamed so bright from fading, destroyed me.

  Arriving at my house, I stared across at the window that had captivated me for twelve years. I knew she was on the opposite side. The house was in darkness. But as I moved my feet forward, I slowly ground to a halt.

  I couldn’t … I couldn’t face her … I couldn’t—

  Turning on my heel, I rushed up the steps to my house and burst through the door. Tears of anger and sadness were ripping through me, both fighting for dominance. I was being torn apart from the inside.

  I passed the living room. “Rune!” my mamma called. I instantly heard the catch in her voice.

  My feet drew to a stop. When I faced my mamma, who was standing up from the couch, I saw tears tracking down her cheeks.

  It hit me like a hammer-blow.

  She knew.

  Mamma stepped forward, her hand outstretched. I stared at it, but I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t…

  I rushed for my bedroom. I smashed through the door and then I just stood there. I stood dead center and looked around, searching for an idea of what to do next.

  But I didn’t know. My hands lifted to my hair and gripped at the strands. I choked on the sounds leaving my mouth. I drowned in the damn tears tracking down my cheeks, because I didn’t know what the hell to do.

  I took a step forward, then stopped. I moved to go to my bed, then I stopped. My heart thumped in a slow, lurching beat. I fought to drag air through my clogged lungs. I fought to not fall to the floor.

  And then I broke.

  I let the waiting anger free. I let it infuse me and carry me forward. Reaching my bed, I bent to grip the frame and, with a loud roar, I lifted it with all my strength, overturning the mattress and the sturdy wooden frame. I moved to my desk and, with one swipe, cleared the top. Catching my laptop before it hit the floor, I spun where I stood and hurled it into the wall. I heard it shatter, but it didn’t help. Nothing was helping. The pain was still here. The gut-wrenching truth.

  The goddamn tears.

  Clenching my fists, I threw back my head and I screamed. I screamed and I screamed until my voice was rough and my throat was raw. Dropping to my knees, I let myself drown in this grief.

  Then I heard my door open and I glanced up. My mamma stepped through. I shook my head, raising my hand to ward her off. But she kept coming.

  “No,” I rasped, trying to move out of her way. But she didn’t listen, instead she dropped to the floor beside me. “No!” I spat out harder, but her arms stretched out and wrapped around my neck.

  “No!” I fought, but she pulled me to her, and I lost all that fight. I collapsed into her arms and I cried. I screamed and I cried into the arms of the woman I’d barely spoken to in two years. But right now, I needed her. I needed someone who understood.

  Understood what losing Poppy would be like.

  So I let it all out. I gripped on to her so tight I thought it would leave a bruise. But my mamma never moved; she cried with me. She sat quietly, cradling my head as I lost all strength.

  Then I heard movement from the doorway.

  My pappa was watching us with tears in his eyes, sadness on his face. And that reignited the flame in my stomach. Seeing the man that took me away, that forced me from Poppy when she was about to need me most, it snapped something inside.

  Pushing back from my mamma, I hissed at him, “Get out.”

  My mamma stiffened and I pushed her back further, glaring at my pappa. He held up his hands, shock now etched across his face. “Rune…,” he said in a calm voice.

  It only fueled the flames.

  “I said get out!”
I stumbled to my feet.

  My pappa glanced at my mamma. When he looked back at me, my hands were clenched. I embraced the rage burning inside me.

  “Rune, son. You’re in shock, you’re hurting—”

  “Hurting? Hurting? You have no damn idea!” I roared, and stepped an inch closer to where he stood. My mamma jumped to her feet. I ignored her as she tried to move into my path. My pappa reached forward and pushed her behind him and out into the hallway.

  My pappa closed the door slightly, blocking her out.

  “Get the hell out,” I said one last time, feeling all the hatred I had for this man boiling to the surface.

  “I’m sorry, son,” he whispered, and he let a teardrop fall to his cheek. He had the audacity to stand before me and shed a tear.

  He had no friggin’ right!

  “Don’t,” I warned, my voice cut and raw. “Don’t you dare stand there and cry. Don’t you dare stand there and tell me you’re sorry. You have no damn right when you were the one who took me away. You took me from her when I didn’t want to go. You took me from her while she got sick. And now … now … she’s dy—” I couldn’t finish the sentence. I couldn’t bring myself to say that word. Instead, I ran. I ran at my pappa and slammed my hands on his broad chest.

  He staggered back and hit the wall. “Rune!” I heard my mamma shout from the hallway. Ignoring her plea, I fisted my pappa’s collar in my hands and brought my face to hover just in front of his.

  “You took me away for two years. And because I was gone she cut me off to save me. Me. Save me from the pain of being so far away and not being able to comfort her or hold her when she was in pain. You made it so I couldn’t be with her while she fought.” I swallowed, but managed to add, “And now it’s too late. She has months…” My voice broke. “Months…” I threw my hands down and stepped back, more tears and pain taking hold.

  With my back to him, I said, “There’s no coming back from this. I’ll never forgive you for taking me away from her. Never. We’re done.”

  “Rune…”

  “Get out,” I snarled. “Get the hell out of my room and get the hell out of my life. I’m done with you. So damn done.”