by Tillie Cole
“Once you’ve seen one sunrise, you’ve seen them all,” I replied.
Poppy shook her head sadly. When she looked at me, it was in pity. It made my stomach turn. “That’s not true,” she argued. “Every day is different. The colors, the shades, the impact on your soul.” She sighed and said, “Every day is a gift, Rune. If I’ve learned anything from the last couple of years, it’s that.”
I was silent.
Poppy tipped her head back and closed her eyes. “Like this wind. It’s cold because it’s early winter, and people run from it. They stay inside to keep warm. But I embrace it. I cherish the feeling of the wind on my face, the heat of the sun on my cheeks in the summer. I want to dance in the rain. I dream of lying in the snow, feeling its coldness in my bones.” She opened her eyes. The crest of the sun began to inch into the sky. “When I was getting treatment, when I was confined to my hospital bed, when I was in pain and going crazy from every aspect of my life, I would get the nurses to turn my bed to the window. The sunrise each day would calm me. It would restore my strength. It would fill me with hope.”
A trail of ash dropped onto the ground beside me. I realized that I hadn’t moved since she started talking. She faced me and said, “When I used to look out of that window, when I was missing you so much that it hurt worse than the chemo, I would stare at that breaking dawn and I would think of you. I would think of you watching the sunrise in Norway and it would bring me peace.”
I said nothing.
“Were you happy even once? Was there any part of the last two years where you weren’t sad or angry?”
The fire of anger that sat in my stomach flared to life. I shook my head. “No,” I replied as I flicked my dead smoke to the ground.
“Rune,” Poppy whispered. I saw the guilt in her eyes. “I thought you’d move on, eventually.” She lowered her eyes, but when she looked up again, she completely broke my heart. “I did it because we never thought I would last this long.” A weak, yet strangely powerful, smile graced her face. “I’ve been gifted more time. I’ve been gifted life,”—she breathed in deeply—“and now, to add to the miracles that keep coming my way, you’ve returned.”
I turned my head, unable to keep calm, unable to balance Poppy talking about her death so casually and my return so happily. I felt her move to sit beside me. Her sweet scent washed over me and I closed my eyes, breathing hard when I felt her arm press against mine.
Silence again hung between us, thickening the air. Then Poppy laid her hand over mine. I opened my eyes just as she pointed to the sun, now moving quickly, ushering in the new day. I laid my head back against the rough bark, watching a pink haze flood over the barren grove. My skin shivered with the cold. Poppy lifted the blanket next to her to lie over us both.
As soon as the thick woolen blanket had enveloped us in its warmth, her fingers threaded through mine, joining our hands. We watched the sun, until daylight fully arrived.
I felt the need to be honest. Pushing aside my pride, I confessed, “You hurt me.” My voice was coarse and low.
Poppy stiffened.
I didn’t look into her eyes, I couldn’t. Then I added, “You completely broke my heart.”
As the thick clouds cleared, the pink sky turned to blue. As the morning settled in, I felt Poppy move—she was wiping away a tear.
I winced, hating the fact that I had upset her. But she wanted to know why I was pissed 24/7. She wanted to know why I never watched a damn sunrise. She wanted to know why I had changed. That was the truth. And I was learning real fast that sometimes the truth was a bitch.
Poppy sniffed back a sob, and I lifted my arm and wrapped it around her shoulders. I expected her to resist, but instead she fell gently against my side. She let me hold her close.
I kept my attention on the sky, clenching my jaw as my eyes blurred with tears. I held them back.
“Rune,” Poppy said.
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
Poppy raised her head and turned my face to hers, her hand on my cheek. “Of course it matters, Rune. I hurt you.” She swallowed her tears. “It was never my intention. I desperately wanted to save you.”
I searched her eyes and I saw it. As much as it had hurt me, as much as her abrupt silence had destroyed me, sent me spiraling into a place I didn’t know how to fight free from, I could see that it was because she had loved me. Had wanted me to move on.
“I know,” I said, holding her closer.
“It didn’t work.”
“No,” I agreed, then pressed a kiss on her head. When she looked up at me, I brushed the tears off her face.
“What now?” she asked.
“What do you want to happen now?”
Poppy sighed and looked up at me through determined eyes. “I want the old Rune back.” My stomach sank and I edged backward. Poppy stopped me. “Rune—”
“I’m not the old Rune. I’m not sure I ever will be again.” I dropped my head, but then forced myself to face her. “I still want you the same, Poppymin, even if you don’t want me.”
“Rune,” she whispered, “I’ve just got you back. I don’t know this new you. My mind is foggy. I never expected to have you with me through this. I’m … I’m confused.” She squeezed my hand. “But at the same time, I feel full with new life. With the promise of us again. With knowing that, for at least the time I have left, I get to have you.” Her words danced in the air, as she asked nervously, “Don’t I?”
I ran my finger down her cheek. “Poppymin, you have me. You’ll always have me.” I cleared the lump in my throat and added, “I might be different from the boy you knew, but I’m yours.” I smirked, without humor. “Forever always.”
Poppy’s eyes softened. She nudged my shoulder then laid her head on it.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I held her close, as tight as I could. “Christ, I’m sorry, Poppy. I don’t…” I couldn’t finish my words. But Poppy waited patiently until I dropped my head and continued. “I don’t how you’re not breaking apart with all this. I don’t know how you’re not…” I sighed. “I just don’t know how you’re finding the strength to keep going.”
“Because I love life.” She shrugged. “I always have.”
I felt like I was seeing a new side to Poppy. Or maybe I was being reminded of the girl I always knew she’d grow up to be.
Poppy gestured to the sky. “I’m the girl who wakes up early to watch the sunrise. I’m the girl who wants to see the good in everyone, the one who is taken away by a song, inspired by art.” Turning to me, she smiled. “I’m that girl, Rune. The one who waits out the storm simply to catch a glimpse of a rainbow. Why be miserable when you can be happy? It’s an obvious choice to me.”
I brought her hand up to my mouth and kissed the back of her hand. Her breathing changed, the tempo racing to double speed. Then Poppy pulled our joined hands to her mouth, twisting them so she could kiss my hand. She lowered them to her lap, tracing small patterns on my skin with the index finger of her free hand. My heart melted when I realized what she was drawing—infinity signs. Perfect figure eights.
“I know what lies ahead for me, Rune. I’m not naïve. But I also have a strong faith that there’s more to life than what we have right now, here, on this Earth. I believe that heaven awaits me. I believe that when I take my last breath and close my eyes in this life, I’ll awake in the next, healthy and at peace. I believe this with my whole heart.”
“Poppy,” I rasped, tearing apart inside at the thought of losing her, but so damn proud of her strength. She amazed me.
Poppy’s finger dropped from our hands and she smiled at me, not a hint of fear on her beautiful face. “It’ll be okay, Rune. I promise.”
“I’m not sure I’ll be okay without you.” I didn’t want to make her feel bad, but this was my truth.
“You will,” she said confidently. “Because I have faith in you.”
I didn’t say anything in response. What could I say?
Poppy looked at the bare trees around us. “I can’t wait for them to bloom again. I miss the sight of pretty pink petals. I miss walking into this grove and feeling like I’m stepping into a dream.” She lifted her hand and trailed it along a low-hanging branch.
Poppy flashed me an excited smile, then jumped to her feet, her hair blowing freely in the wind. She stepped onto the grass and stretched her hands into the air. Her head tipped back and she laughed. A laugh that ripped from her throat with pure abandon.
I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I was transfixed. My eyes refused to move away from watching Poppy as she began to turn, spinning as the wind blew through the grove, her laughter drifting on the wind.
A dream, I thought. She was right. Poppy, bundled up in her coat, spinning in the early-morning grove, looked exactly like a dream.
She was like a bird: at its most beautiful when flying free.
“Can you feel it, Rune?” she asked, her eyes still closed as she soaked up the warming sun.
“What?” I asked, finding my voice.
“Life!” she called, laughing harder as the wind changed direction, almost knocking her off her feet. “Life,” she said quietly, as she grew still, rooting her feet in the dry grass. Her skin was flushed and her cheeks wind-burned. Yet she’d never looked more beautiful.
My fingers twitched. When I glanced down I immediately knew why. The urge to capture Poppy on film gnawed inside me. A natural urge. Poppy had once told me I was born with it.
“I wish, Rune,” Poppy said, causing me to glance up, “I wish that people realized how this felt every day. Why does it take a life ending to learn how to cherish each day? Why must we wait until we run out of time to start to accomplish all that we dreamed, when once we had all the time in the world? Why don’t we look at the person we love the most like it’s the last time we will ever see them? Because if we did, life would be so vibrant. Life would be so truly and completely lived.”
Poppy’s head drifted slowly forward. She glanced back at me over her shoulder and rewarded me with the most devastating smile. I looked at the girl I loved most like it was the very last time I would see her, and it made me feel alive.
It made me feel like the most blessed person on the planet, because I had her. Even though, right now, things were still awkward and fresh, I knew I had her.
And she definitely had me.
My legs stood up of their own accord, discarding the blanket onto the grassy floor of the grove. Slowly, I walked to Poppy, drinking in every part of her.
Poppy watched me approach. As I stood in front of her, she ducked her head, a flush of embarrassment traveling up her neck to rest upon the apples of her cheeks.
As the wind wrapped around us, she asked, “Do you feel it, Rune? Truly?”
I knew she was referring to the wind on my face and the sun’s rays shining down.
Alive.
Vibrant.
I nodded, replying to a completely different question. “I feel it, Poppymin. Truly.”
And it was at that moment that something inside of me shifted. I couldn’t think of the fact she only had months to live.
I had to focus on the moment.
I had to help her feel as alive as possible, while I had her back by my side.
I had to win back her trust. Her soul. Her love.
Poppy stepped closer to me, running her hand down my bare arm. “You’re cold,” she announced.
I didn’t care if I was suffering from hypothermia. Pushing my hand to the nape of her neck, I leaned in, watching her face for a sign this move wasn’t wanted. Her green eyes flared, but it wasn’t in resistance.
Spurred on, seeing her lips part and her eyes flutter to a close, I tipped my head to the side, bypassing her mouth, to run the tip of my nose down her cheek. Poppy gasped, but I kept going. Kept going until I reached the pulse in her neck; it was racing.
Her skin was warm from dancing in the wind, yet shivering at the same time. I knew it was because of me.
Closing in the rest of the way, I pressed my lips over her galloping pulse, tasting her sweetness, feeling my own heartbeat race in tandem.
Alive.
Life being so truly and completely lived.
A soft whimper escaped Poppy’s lips and I drew back, gradually meeting her gaze. Her green irises were bright, her lips pink and full. Dropping my hand, I stepped back and said, “Let’s go. You need sleep.”
Poppy looked adorably bewildered. I left her on that spot as I gathered our things. When I finished, I found her exactly where I had left her.
I flicked my head in the direction of our houses: Poppy walked beside me. With each step, I mulled over the last twelve hours. About the rollercoaster of emotions, about the fact that I’d got half my heart back, only to discover it was temporary. I thought about kissing Poppy’s face, about lying in bed beside her.
Then I thought about her jar. The half-empty jar of a thousand boy-kisses. For some reason that flash of blank paper hearts bothered me the most. Poppy loved that jar. It was a challenge set by her mamaw. A challenge blunted by my two-year absence.
I flicked a look to Poppy, who was staring at a bird in a tree, smiling as it sang from the topmost branch. Feeling my stare, she turned to me and I asked, “You still like adventures?”
Poppy’s ear-splitting grin immediately answered that question. “Yes,” she replied, “Lately, every day is an adventure.” She lowered her eyes. “I know the next few months will be an interesting challenge, but I’m ready to embrace it. I’m trying to live every day to the fullest.”
Ignoring the pain this remark ignited in me, a plan formed in my mind. Poppy stopped; we had reached the patch of grass between our homes.
Poppy turned to me as we stood in front of her window. And she waited, waiting for what I’d do next. Inching closer to where she stood, I placed the bag and blanket on the ground and straightened up, hands by my sides.
“So?” Poppy asked, a tinge of humor in her voice.
“So,” I replied. I couldn’t keep from smiling at the twinkle in her eyes. “Look, Poppy,” I started, and rocked on my feet, “you believe you don’t know the guy I am now.” I shrugged. “So, give me a chance. Let me show you. Let’s start a new adventure.”
I felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment, but Poppy suddenly took hold of my hand and placed it in hers. Bemused, I stared at our hands, then Poppy shook them up and down twice. With the biggest smile on her face, her dimples deep and proud, she declared, “I’m Poppy Litchfield and you’re Rune Kristiansen. This is a handshake. My mamaw told me it’s what you do when you don’t know somebody. Now we’re friends. Best friends.”
Poppy looked up at me through her lashes and I laughed. I laughed as I recalled the day I met her. When we were five, and I saw her climb through her window, blue dress covered in mud and a big white bow in her hair.
Poppy moved to take back her hand, but I held on tightly. “Go out with me tonight.”
Poppy stilled.
“On a date,” I continued awkwardly. “A real date.”
Poppy shook her head in disbelief. “We never really went on a date before, Rune. We always just … were.”
“Then we’ll start now. I’ll pick you up at six. Be ready.”
I turned and headed for my window, assuming that her answer was yes. Truth was, no way was I giving her a chance to say no. I was going to do this for her.
I was going to do my damnedest to make her happy.
I’d win her back.
I’d win her back as the Rune I was now.
There was no choice.
This was us.
This was our new adventure.
One that would make her feel alive.
Poppy
“You’re going on a date?” Savannah asked, as she and Ida lay on my bed. They watched my reflection in my mirror. Watched as I looped my infinity earrings through my ears. Watched as I applied a final layer of mascara.
“Yeah, a date,” I replied.
Ida and Savannah glanced at each other with wide eyes. Ida turned back to look at me. “With Rune? Rune Kristiansen?”
This time, I turned to face them. The shock on their faces was unsettling. “Yes, with Rune. Why are y’all so surprised?”
Savannah sat up, hands braced on the mattress. “Because the Rune Kristiansen that everyone’s been talking about wouldn’t go on dates. The Rune who smokes and drinks at the field. The one that doesn’t speak, the one that scowls instead of smiles. The bad boy that returned a different person from Norway. That Rune.”
I stared at Savannah and picked out the concern on her face. My stomach rolled, listening to what people had obviously been saying about Rune.
“Yeah, but all the girls like him,” Ida butted in, flashing me a smile. “People were jealous of you when you were with him before he left. They’re gonna freakin’ die now!”
As those words slipped from her lips, I saw Ida slowly lose her smile. She glanced down, then looked back up. “Does he know?”
Savannah was now wearing the same sad look. So sad that I had to turn away. I couldn’t bear that expression on their faces.
“Poppy?” said Savannah.
“He knows.”
“How did he take it?” Ida inquired tentatively.
I smiled through the flash of pain in my heart. I faced my sisters, the two of them watching me as though I could disappear from their eyes any second. I shrugged. “Not well.”
Savannah’s eyes began to glisten. “I’m sorry, Pops.”
“I shouldn’t have cut him off,” I stated. “It’s why he’s so angry all the time. It’s why he’s so standoffish. I hurt him, deeply. When I told him, it seemed to destroy him, but then he asked me on a date. My Rune, finally taking me on a date, after all these years.”
Ida quickly wiped her cheek. “Do Mama and Daddy know?”
I grimaced, then shook my head. Savannah and Ida looked at each other, then at me, and in seconds we were all laughing.
Ida rolled on her back, holding her stomach. “Oh my Lord, Pops! Daddy’s gonna flip! All he’s talked about since the Kristiansens got back is how much Rune has changed for the worse, how he’s disrespectful because he smokes and shouts at his pappa.” Flipping around, she sat up. “He ain’t gonna let you go.”