by Kasie West
“I was kind of hoping.”
I hit him one more time over the head with the pillow, dropped it, and sank to the couch. “You don’t know everything no matter how much you act like it.”
He sat down next to me. “I know.”
“I don’t put everything online. Especially my real feelings.”
“I’m sorry.”
I went still. It was the first time he’d said it, probably the only time I’d ever heard him say it.
“I’m really, truly sorry, Gia. I messed up.”
I met his eyes. “So why were you trying to get me in trouble with Mom and Dad, then?”
“Because Mom and Dad . . .” He grunted in frustration. “Because they don’t make us accountable for anything. It turned me into a crappy person. I was hoping they’d do better with you.”
“Are you blaming Mom and Dad for your issues? How original of you.”
He laughed. “I know. Everyone has issues with their parents.” He tapped my knee with his fist. “I used to think you didn’t.”
“I used to pretend I didn’t.”
“Welcome to the real world, sister.”
“Funny. So . . . you really hate Mom and Dad?”
“No, of course not. I’ve just discovered the things I agree with them about and the things I don’t.”
“Like the fact that they still forgive us more easily than they should,” I pointed out.
Drew shrugged. “Things could be a lot worse.”
“They could be judgmental jerks.”
“Or lying snobs.”
I turned to my brother, taking in his too-long hair and his cocky little grin. “One day you’re going to meet a girl who knocks you down a few pegs. I really hope she’s a Twitter addict.”
“That would be a deal breaker, G.”
“And that’s why it will be so satisfying.”
He took a deep breath. “If she’s at all like you, I’ll consider myself lucky.”
Tears made my eyes sting, and as I was fumbling with how to respond to that, he pulled his keys out of his pocket. “Well, I have to go.”
It was obvious we had a long way to go in the communicating-our-feelings department, but it felt possible now. I nodded.
“Bradley is waiting for me. We drove together up here.”
“Bradley is still here?” I looked around, waiting for him to appear out of nowhere again.
“Not here but I left him at a driving range.”
“Golf?”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t know he liked golf.”
“Yeah, he doesn’t know much about you either.”
“It’s pathetic, I know.”
“What’s pathetic is that I am going to be stuck driving with him for the next three hours and we have absolutely nothing in common.”
I laughed and gave him a hug. “Thanks for the thought. Thanks for . . . Thanks.”
Five minutes after my brother left, my mom walked in the front door. She paused when she saw me then quickly replaced her open mouth of surprise with a smile. “Gia, hi. You’re home.”
I stood. “Mom, no need to pretend you’re not upset. I was really mean to you this morning and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. We’re good. It’s fine.” She headed for the kitchen and I followed her.
“Mom. Please don’t add to the misuse of that phrase.”
“What?” She started unloading the dishwasher.
“Mom, will you look at me?”
She turned and faced me.
“It’s time we started expressing how we really feel more. I know I upset you this morning.”
She let out a strangled cry and then pushed the back of her wrist to her mouth.
“You’re a mom, not an android. I know you have feelings. You’re allowed to show them sometimes. I won’t think any less of you. In fact, I think that will help me get to know you better.”
She pulled me into a hug.
“We’re not perfect and we shouldn’t have to be.” I reached up and ran my hand over her hair, messing it up.
“Gia.” She smoothed it back down.
I laughed. I knew she wouldn’t change in that instant or even overnight but this felt like a start.
CHAPTER 39
I closed my eyes, visualizing what I would say when I went on the stage in front of the whole school for the rally. My main focus was getting the seniors excited about graduation and especially the sober grad party I’d spent the last couple of months organizing. What had started off as another bullet point for my resume had ended up being something I was looking forward to. Especially after Marcus had told me his band would play.
It was loud out there, the entire student body smashed into the gym. From where I stood behind the thick curtain, the sound pressed into me. I took three deep breaths, my speech perfected, my confidence up. Daniel stood next to me, ready to take the stage with me even though he rarely spoke to the group. Hearing our names called over the speakers, we stepped out from behind the curtain. I could sense a slight change in the reaction of the audience to me. Normally there were loud cheers and whistles. Today along with those there was also a lower murmur. Not from everyone but from some. It was the first time I realized that my actions had a broader effect than just within my circle of friends.
I took the mic and cleared my throat. “Hello, everyone! Welcome to the last rally of the year! Who’s ready for summer?” Beside me, Daniel raised his hands in the air and gave a loud shout.
There was a collective roar from the audience but it too was followed by some more murmuring. It threw me off. My speech that I had practiced seconds ago was slipping away. My eyes shot around the gym and landed on Claire. Hers was the safe face I had always searched for in the crowd on the few times I’d lost my composure. It wasn’t a safe face today and only made the rest of my speech leave my brain.
“I’m sorry,” I heard my voice echo through the gym. Daniel let out a surprise grunt from beside me. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud but I had so I kept going. “I made a mistake. No, I won’t be vague like that. I’ll own up to it. I lied. I’ve been lying to my friends for the past month or so. Over something I didn’t need to. Mainly because I didn’t trust that my friends would still be my friends if I told the truth. And also because I was very self-absorbed and wasn’t thinking beyond my own problems. What’s wrong with me?”
It was a rhetorical question but someone from the audience yelled, “Nothing. You’re still hot.” Laughter bounced off the walls with that comment.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, thanks. That didn’t really help. My point is I messed up. And Claire, Laney, Jules, I’m sorry. And actually, anyone else who heard about it and was disappointed in me, I’m sorry to you too. I’m trying to be better. I want to be better.”
During my speech I had looked around, took in the room, delivered a message, but now my eyes sought out Claire again. I bit the inside of my cheek when I saw the cold look still on her face.
“I’m sorry.” I handed the microphone to Daniel. “Save this rally,” I whispered. “Get them excited for sober grad.”
“I can’t. I don’t know what to say.” His expression registered panic.
“Just be fun. You always are.”
The panic left his face with that comment. “I am, aren’t I?”
I smiled, squeezed his arm, and left to the sounds of Daniel chanting, “Sober grad” over and over.
Marcus and his band were good, really good, and I wasn’t the only one who thought so. Most of the students that had come to sober grad night were dancing and attempting to sing along with the songs they’d never heard before. And considering none of them was drunk—the whole point of sober grad night—that had to mean the band was bringing them to this state of entertained. I gave Marcus a thumbs-up when he met my eyes. He seemed to laugh a little, like that wasn’t the correct way to express my approval. There was some sort of “rock on” sign but I had no idea what it was. That was probably what I was su
pposed to use.
I scanned the crowd again. Things felt different tonight. Normally people were saying hi or talking to me, trying to catch my eye. Tonight eyes drifted past mine without thought or interest. Things had shifted. It didn’t sting as much as I thought it would. I didn’t deserve to be noticed any more than anyone else, especially because I rarely tried to notice people back. I was still working on being better about that.
There was a group that was getting a lot of notice. I hadn’t thought Claire, Laney, and Jules would come, not after their reaction to my public apology. Dirty looks during the rally had been followed by complete radio silence since, but they had come. It wasn’t to make up with me, though, because they’d pointedly ignored me all night. And they were surrounded by people.
My boyfriend had his own graduation party tonight, and his sister, my only friend at the present time, was only a junior. So that’s how I came to be all alone at an event I’d spent the last few months of my senior year organizing. But I was okay with that.
I’d graduated after thirteen years in public school. I’d probably be remembered, but I hoped I’d spend the next thirteen years of my life on something I could be remembered for.
“Hey, Gia.” A deep voice called me out of my thoughts.
I smiled. “Blake, the ice cream man. Happy graduation.”
“You too. This is a great party.”
“Thanks. I had a lot of help.”
The music stopped playing and Marcus said into the microphone, “The band is going to take a five-minute break. We’ll play some prerecorded music.”
Soon Marcus had set aside his guitar and was heading our way. I thought he was going to ask me about food or something but he just stopped in front of me and nodded. “Good crowd.”
“Thanks for playing. They love you.”
“Sure.”
“Marcus, this is Blake.”
The guys nodded at each other.
“Your band is really good,” Blake said.
“Thanks. Despite being told otherwise recently, I think we’re halfway decent.” He winked at me. “Speaking of, where are your lovely friends tonight?”
“Um.” I pointed to where Claire, Laney, and Jules were now dancing with a group of guys.
“You outgrew them?”
“I think they outgrew me.”
“I disagree.”
I don’t know why those words made my eyes sting.
Someone grabbed me from behind and I let out a small yelp. Bec came into my view, so I could only assume the arms still wrapped around me belonged to Hayden. I tipped my head back to see him.
“You chose only the most laid-back teacher to serve as the security guard at the entrance,” Bec said. She put her arm around Marcus, who gave her a side hug back.
I laughed. “You guys broke into the party?”
“‘Broke in’ is such strong wording. ‘Let in’ is a better way to put it.”
“We thought you might be lonely,” Hayden said in my ear, “but it looks like you’re fine.”
Marcus backed up while saying, “Looks like the boys are ready to play again. See you.” He paused about five steps away. “And, Gia, I was serious.”
“Thanks.” Should I be thanking someone about telling me I outgrew my friends? I looked over at Jules, who was whispering something in Claire’s ear while pointing at someone else. Yes, maybe I was okay with moving on from them for now. Maybe this summer or next year Claire and I could patch things up. Claire caught my eye then before I could look away, and I thought her expression said there was hope. She gave me a small smile but then let Jules lead her toward the food table.
The band started playing again and Bec grabbed Blake’s arm. “I have no idea who you are but let’s dance. I have someone I need to make jealous.” He shrugged and followed her. It was hard to tell if, sitting behind the drums, Nate had noticed Bec.
I turned to face Hayden.
“Should I be jealous?” he asked.
“Of what?” At first I thought he was talking about Bec but then I realized he meant Marcus. “Oh. Of course not.” I cleared my throat and attempted my best low, husky voice. “I want to dance with you.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Was that an imitation of a robot? No, wait. A robot who smokes.”
I hit his chest. He gave me his smoldering stare and I was so happy that I didn’t have to control my reaction this time. I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him toward me. Our lips collided.
“You don’t have to be a statue, Gia. She’s not painting a portrait,” Bec said.
“Oh, right.” I adjusted my position on the stool where I sat while her mom painted.
Hayden came into the room and stood peering over his mom’s shoulder. “Are you really painting bones?”
“Bec gave me a good idea.”
“I told you she didn’t need you here,” Bec said.
“Of course I need her here. She’s my muse.”
“I actually need to steal her,” Hayden said.
“No, I’m in the zone.”
“Just for a second. Bec, take over.”
“I love how you all think anyone works as my muse,” Olivia said in a huff.
Hayden took my hand and pulled me out of the room. Out in the dim hall he pressed me against the wall and kissed me.
“You stole me for that?” I asked with a laugh.
“Yes . . . I mean no. I stole you to tell you our plan is in motion. Nate is on his way over. You distracted her long enough for me to steal her phone and text him.”
I smiled. “Nice. Payback is so fun.”
“And immature.”
“So immature. Is she going to kill us?”
“Absolutely. But in the meantime . . .” His lips found mine again and I relaxed into him.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
As I sit down to write my fifth set of acknowledgments, I am still just as thankful as I was with the first set I wrote. I know that not everybody gets to do what they love, and I will be forever grateful to the people who make this possible for me. First, my readers. I can say that now. I actually have readers. And some of them actually seem to like me. You have no idea how happy this makes me. Because of you, I get to continue writing, and I am so grateful for that.
A big thank-you to my husband, Jared, who makes it much easier for me to write. He’s the best support a girl could have. Plus, after seventeen years of marriage, I still like the guy. I mean, I always love him, but I like him too. My kids are quite awesome as well. I’m going to start with the youngest first, this time, since he always has to go last: Donavan, Abby, Autumn, and Hannah. They make me laugh every day and I’ve never been more proud of anyone in my life than I am of them.
My agent, Michelle Wolfson, has made being in this sometimes-difficult industry a lot easier for me. Without her, I’d be a mess. Thanks for everything, Michelle. I’ve also had the privilege to work with a couple of different editors for this book, both of whom were great—Sarah Landis and Catherine Wallace. Thanks for loving my books, ladies, and helping to make them better. And thanks to HarperTeen for giving me such an amazing push into the world of young adult literature. It’s a great place to be. A special mention to some other members of my HarperTeen team: Stephanie Hoover, Rosanne Romanello, and Jennifer Klonsky.
Before I even let my agent or editor see my books, these lovely ladies have to suffer through the early drafts. They are some of my favorite people ever: Candice Kennington, Stephanie Ryan, Jenn Johansson, Renee Collins, Natalie Whipple, Sara Raasch, Michelle Argyle, Melanie Jacobson, Kari Olson . . . oh no, I’m forgetting someone, I just know it. I’m sorry if I forgot you.
Sometimes I don’t write; I actually do other things (I know, I’m shocked too). These people try to remind me that it shouldn’t be all books, all the time: Elizabeth Minnick, Rachel Whiting, Claudia Wadsworth, Brittney Swift, Mandy Hillman, Emily Freeman, Jamie Lawrence, Melanie Martinez, Amy Burbidge, and Erynn Nelson.
Last and least (just kidding, ne
ver least) is my amazing family. I’ve been blessed with a big one, and I know I am who I am today because of them: of course, my mom and dad (Chris and Don), Heather Garza, Jared DeWoody, Spencer DeWoody, Stephanie Ryan, Dave Garza, Rachel DeWoody, Zita DeWoody, Kevin Ryan, Vance and Karen West, Eric and Michelle West, Sharlynn West, Rachel and Brian Braithwaite, Angie and Jim Stettler, Emily and Rick Hill, and all their respective children.
Phew. When I finish, I always feel like I named everyone and their mother and at the same time forgot everyone and their mother. How is this possible? I’m so sorry if I forgot you. Please know it’s because I have mush brain, not because you’re not important.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Photo by Stephanie Ryan Photography
KASIE WEST lives with her family in central California, where the heat tries to kill her with its 115-degree stretches. She graduated from Fresno State University with a BA degree that has nothing to do with writing. Visit her online at www.kasiewest.com.
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BOOKS BY KASIE WEST
Pivot Point
Split Second
The Distance Between Us
On the Fence
The Fill-In Boyfriend
CREDITS
Cover art © 2015 by ImageBrief USA INC
Handlettering and cover design by Torborg Davern
COPYRIGHT
HarperTeen is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.