We drove around that way for a while, miles under the speed limit. I told her we were going slow because I liked driving without the lights on, but the truth was, I wanted a few more minutes with her. No sneaking around. No checking over my shoulder. Finally, just her and me, not doing anything wrong, just being.
Eventually, the residential maze spit us out on to a main street, and I had to switch the headlights on again. Lake sat back in her seat, rolled up her window partway, and got the kind of quiet that made me wonder if she was upset.
I shifted gears on our way up the hill back to camp and looked over to check on her. Whatever had changed her mood, I suspected there wasn’t anything I could really say to comfort her.
Lake gasped. I whipped my gaze back to the road as something darted in front of the car. Hitting the brakes, I reached for Lake, keeping her in her seat as I swerved to miss the animal. The truck shuddered, too much bulk to stop so fast, but I steered it off the highway.
“What was that?” she asked, sounding breathless.
I looked over at her. My hand was on her shoulder. “You all right?”
“I’m fine. It looked like a dog.”
“Coyote. Must’ve been.”
We sat there a moment, catching our breath. What the fuck was I doing out here anyway? What if we’d gotten into an accident and I’d had to explain why I had a sixteen-year-old girl and two pints in a truck that didn’t belong to me?
“That was a rush,” she said.
“A rush? No. No, it wasn’t.” I went to pull away, but she stopped me, spreading her fingers over the top of my hand. Hers was shades whiter than mine and probably half the size.
“Do we have to go back?” she asked.
The more I tried to ignore her soft palm on my skin, the harder it got. I needed to take my hand off. It wasn’t as if she could hold me there against my will. “We’ve been gone long enough,” I said.
“But I don’t want to.”
“I know you don’t. That’s why we went for a drive. But this—you’re not supposed to be out here, and it isn’t even about camp. Just in general, you shouldn’t be here, now.”
I only heard her breathing. She took her hand off, and so did I.
“Nobody even knows I’m gone.” She unclicked her seatbelt. “Come on. I see water.”
“Lake, no.”
With what must’ve been a sudden burst of strength, she shouldered her door open and hopped out of the truck.
“Come on. Get back in.”
“I just want to see. Maybe put my toes in.”
Fuck. Barefoot, she headed into the dark. I fumbled with my seatbelt, barely remembering to shut off the engine before jumping out. “Lake?”
The trees were thick around the highway, and my voice echoed into the woods. I couldn’t see shit. I strode down a soft-dirt hill, which opened up to a sprawling body of black water. The moon was just a sliver rippling over the lake. When I saw her near the shore, I exhaled a breath I’d been holding. She stripped off her shorts. My gut smarted, a warning. No way she’d get in there. You couldn’t see your own foot in that lake.
With her back to me, in white panties and a t-shirt, she waded in like a water nymph, glowing against a black backdrop.
“Come on, Lake.” My heart pounded. I’d warned her about the water. “I’m not messing around. You don’t know what’s in there.”
“Fish?” She smiled at me over her shoulder. My gaze, the water, her hair, it all moved with her as she glided deeper. When the waterline touched her hips, she pulled one arm through a sleeve and then the other.
I stood paralyzed as she took off her top. It was clumsy, drawn out, long enough for me to tell her to stop. She threw it a few yards from my feet. I went and picked it up, a scrap of fabric that’d been a necessary barrier between us. She had this white, strappy bra thing on and, thankfully, enough long blonde hair to hide her breasts, not that there was much to cover.
I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t move.
I ran a hand through my hair, trying to decide what to do. I had a lot of self-control, but I didn’t want to test it by taking off my pants. It wouldn’t look good to show up back at camp in wet jeans, either.
Lake kept going. Her hair started to disappear under the surface, pieces of it plastering to her back. The memory scraped across my brain like nails on a chalkboard. Maddy—limp, soaked, sheet-white—her wet hair sticking to my forearms and knees as I’d pulled her from the water into my lap.
I tried to call Lake back. The words came out strangled. I took off my shoes and socks. Tossing her shirt with her shorts, I walked right in. The cold water bit, but she couldn’t get any farther from my reach.
She skimmed her forearms back and forth over the surface as she blinked up at the sky, a small smile on her lips. “Show it to me again. Summer Triangle.”
“No,” I clipped. When either of us moved, the water echoed in the otherwise dead-quiet. “I know what you’re doing. I don’t . . . you think I want to go back?” I asked. “I don’t, but we have to.”
She turned on me, her euphoric expression replaced with frustration. “Why can’t you just stop being an adult for a minute?”
“Because I am the adult. One of us has to be.”
She closed her mouth, her jaw tight, and dove headfirst into the water.
The lake swallowed her without even a burp. She disappeared completely. I took a step. Then another. I couldn’t see her. Couldn’t see anything but a ripple here and then there, near and then far. I turned in circles, heat rising up my chest while my legs froze, my breath getting short. “Lake?” I raised my voice. “Stop it.”
I tried to push Maddy out of my mind. This wasn’t the same, Lake was just having fun. But Maddy’d been so alive when I’d last seen her and just minutes later, completely lifeless. The image had haunted me so long, was always waiting in the back of my mind, even during the best of times. I’d had to put my mouth on my sister’s and feel nothing, breathe into nothing.
Seconds ticked by. My lungs wouldn’t expand. I would’ve gone in after her if I’d had any clue where she was. She’d been under at least ten seconds and could’ve swum anywhere. “Lake,” I yelled, angry. I thrust my hands under, grasping for anything. Something slippery brushed against my leg. “Goddamn it. Lake!”
She popped up five feet from me, giggling, the slight moon turning her into a glittering, fluorescent mermaid.
“What’s gotten into you?” I asked. Rage vibrated every bone in my body. “Do you have any idea how dangerous it is out here?”
She floated on her back, unapologetic, teeth chattering. “I know you wouldn’t let anything happen to me.”
It shook my confidence, hearing that. She thought I could save her. The truth was, if I wanted to or not, I couldn’t protect her from everything. Especially not this. But to explain why, I’d have to bring her into a memory I never shared if I could help it. I’d already had to recount it enough times to the police and jury to break any man.
She spread her arms. Her tits poked through the surface, two white, wet, cotton peaks pointing to the stars. My hands shook, my body, too. Seeing how calm and open she was, my instinct was to go to her, to say fuck it for one night. Lake wasn’t as confident as she pretended to be. Her inexperience showed in her every move. One touch, and she’d dissolve into a trembling mess. Wouldn’t it be best if that first touch came from someone who cared? Who’d worship her? I knew what I was doing, when to be gentle and when to not, and I would do it at her pace.
I’d been trying not to see her since I’d returned her bracelet. As a child, I’d been warned by my mom against looking directly at an eclipse. I feared the same was true for Lake. How did I come off to others when I looked at her? As captivated as I felt? Adoring? Enamored? I didn’t want to be looking at her that way. Someone could notice. People became suddenly more perceptive about these things—a grown man intently watching a young girl. Especially one like Lake, who was on the verge of beautiful.
; But tonight, nobody was around.
Fuck. I turned around, shielding my eyes, even though it was too late for that. I couldn’t look. It was killing me.
Hard as it was, I walked out of the water.
“You’re just going to leave me here?” she asked.
Never.
But I had to. I put one foot in front of the other, fought every urge to turn back, just to make sure she didn’t sink under. She’d given me no choice. I was going to make an even bigger mistake than I already had just by letting myself get into this situation. I passed her rumpled clothing, got as far as the trees, but, unable to breathe without keeping my eyes on her, I turned and looked back. I tensed when I couldn’t find her but a few seconds later, my eyes adjusted. On shore, she put her clothes back on. Once I was certain she wouldn’t be getting back in the lake, I went to the truck, found some greasy towels behind the seats, and wiped myself down. I sat and watched through the windshield. I couldn’t even bring myself to turn on the heater or music.
After a few minutes, she trudged back up to the passenger’s side door.
“What do you want me to do?” she asked when I looked over, her window still partly down. “I’m wet.”
Her nipples were hard, so I averted my eyes and passed her a towel. It was dirty but better than being soaked. Once she’d dried herself a little, she climbed into the cab.
I put the key in the ignition, but the engine only turned over. “Great.” I pounded my fist against the steering wheel. “That’s just fucking great.”
The whole bench shook with her shivering. “I’m sorry,” she said.
Even though she faced me, her shoulder and half her back were pressed up against the door, as far away from me as she could get. She looked so small and breakable, tucked into the corner, the opposite of how she’d acted just a few minutes ago. In her lap, she wrung her hands around something. She breathed audibly, maybe trying not to cry. In. Out. In. Out. The t-shirt clung to her breasts, outlining them, the only two wet spots.
How could I stay pissed? All she wanted was more time. I wanted the same. “I’m not mad,” I said. “I worry. I worry so goddamn much, Lake.”
“Why? I don’t understand.” Her voice was tiny, frightened. “I’ve been swimming in the ocean since I could walk.”
I gripped the steering wheel, even though we weren’t going anywhere. The difference between Lake and every other person I’d come across the past eight years was that it felt as if her goodness could actually be enough to heal my ugliness. To fill the hole in me. I wanted to tell her. Knowing what I’d been through meant knowing me better than anyone since Maddy.
I turned the key to see if at least the heater would come on; it did, along with the radio. I lowered the volume and sat back in my seat. “My sister drowned while I was thirty feet away.” The words were foreign. Saying it out loud was as hard as I thought it’d be. It changed the air around us. The molecules rearranged. The truth sat between us like a third person. In a way, it was. Madison was never far from my mind. I still carried her around, one long piggyback ride until the day I’d die. “I couldn’t save her.”
Lake didn’t move an inch. She sat still so long, I looked over to make sure she was still conscious. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t realize.”
By the look on her face, I’d scared the shit outta her. I couldn’t just leave it at that. “We had a pool, but that wasn’t what killed her. It just sped up the process.”
She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “What do you mean?”
“I told you my parents used to fight. It was a war every time. They’d married young—for love.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Nah. Not when you’re fundamentally different. My mom’s family was middleclass, my dad came from the wrong side of the tracks. They didn’t grow up the same or want the same things. That might be okay if you’re not as passionate as you are different. Long story short, they fought as hard as they made up.” I wasn’t sure Lake’d understand what I was getting at, so I glossed over that. “Once in a while, something in my dad would flip, and he’d go too far. He’d hit her, apologize in tears at her feet, and that’d be it. He beat me up a few times, stupid shit like finding my dishes out after a particularly bad day at work. He hurt Madison only once as a kid. When I hit puberty and got bigger than him, never happened to either of us again, just my mom when I wasn’t around.”
Lake seemed farther away, her back glued against the door. Even in the dark, I could see her ashen face. Fine. She needed to hear this, and maybe it was best if it scared her off me. She’d grown up as sheltered as anyone I’d ever seen. Whatever schoolgirl crush she had on me, maybe this would cure it.
“He went after your sister, and you wouldn’t let him.”
I must’ve misheard Lake. “What?”
“Is that what happened?”
My chest constricted. There was no way she could’ve known that, which meant she’d figured it out on her own. Maybe she saw more than I gave her credit for. “Yeah. Pretty much. Maddy was trying to get in the middle of one of their fights. I came in the door from baseball practice right as he smacked her into a wall.” The memory of the blank expression on my dad’s face still made me sick to my stomach. I could count on one hand the number of times I’d seen that, the way his eyes turned to glass while he went some place none of us could name. “I knocked him on his ass. I didn’t know what Dad would do, so I told Maddy to run, but she wouldn’t. She didn’t want to leave me. So I told her to get the fuck out or I’d kick her ass myself. I just wanted her gone. She looked terrified, which was how I felt, but it worked. She ran out the back.”
“You did the right thing,” Lake said.
Not really. I wasn’t sure what the right thing would’ve been, but it wasn’t that. “Mads had this friend next door, Beth. They had a secret, not-so-secret hole in the fence they’d use to get to each other’s houses. That’s where she was going.” She’d run so fast out the back. Because of me. If I’d known it was the last time I’d see Madison, I wouldn’t’ve threatened her that way. She’d surely been as afraid of me as she was of him in that moment. “My dad and I fought. Took down everything in the kitchen—the table, dishes, pots and pans.” There’d been so much shit all over the kitchen. Noodles on the linoleum floor from an overturned pot. I couldn’t remember getting scalded, but I’d had a burn from the water for a while after. Broken dining chairs. Blood on my knuckles. Everything falling away in a second . . .
“I swear, I would’ve taken my baseball bat to him if I hadn’t heard the screaming.”
“Maddy?” Lake whispered.
Hearing Maddy’s name out loud, reliving the moments leading up to it, I needed to take a breath. I looked out my open window. “My mom. She found my sister floating face down in the pool. After the autopsy and all that, we figured she’d slipped while running, fallen in, hit her head on the way down. She was unconscious long enough—while we were all in the house . . .”
I didn’t dream, but once in a while I had nightmares. Getting Maddy out of a pool red with her blood, the shock of pulling a cold body out of warm water. Trying to give life to a stiff mouth. Breathing so hard into her that I nearly passed out.
“When the cops showed, I was still trying to give Maddy CPR while Mom sobbed on the ground next to me. But my dad had cleaned himself up and calmed down. His anger was like that, quick to explode, quick to flame out. He knew they’d see the bruises on Maddy and my mom and the mess in the kitchen. He hadn’t landed a punch on me, but he was bleeding from a busted nose. I was the only one unscathed. When the officers asked what’d happened, he’d explained that I’d snapped. Beat Maddy up and them, too.”
“No.” Lake covered her mouth. “He blamed you?”
It was fucked up, but my dad had always been a dick. Aside from the death, it wasn’t the part I still wasn’t over. “My mom couldn’t speak to save her life, she was a wreck. But when the office
rs asked if it was true, she wouldn’t say I didn’t do it.”
“She let you take the rap?”
“She was afraid if she said no, they’d take my dad away.”
Lake readjusted her hold on her knees. “Did they arrest you?”
I sat forward and ran my hands over my face. Every time I thought about it, it renewed a sliver of my faith in humanity. “They took us both to the station. I told the cops what’d really happened, and they saw right through the bullshit. Figured out my mom and dad would rather send me to juvie than have Dad get in real trouble. Beth’s parents vouched for me, too, said they’d heard our parents arguing a lot and that I’d been good with the girls.” I shook my head. “I wasn’t, though. Good. I should’ve had him locked up the first time it happened.”
“But you must’ve been a kid. How long had it been going on?”
“All of their marriage, but it didn’t happen that often. Something inside him was just . . . off.” And I had to wonder, how did I know I didn’t have the same thing? I got angry like any man. I tried never to put myself in a situation where I might test the switch, though.
“What happened to him?”
“My dad? Prison. Hard as it was, I had to go up on the stand and convince them that he’d hurt us before, even though we’d never filed a report. My mom wouldn’t do it. She tried to get me not to, didn’t see what good it did if Maddy was gone anyway. I didn’t see it that way, though. I wanted the max sentence.”
Lake fidgeted with the bracelets on her wrist, kept twisting whatever was in her hand. “All this happened when you were fifteen?”
“You see why I get so worried? It’s not just because of Maddy. I saw and did a lot of things a kid shouldn’t. It changes you. Can’t ever go back.”
“I get it,” she said softly. “Of course I do. I just can’t believe . . . what about your mom?”
“Still in Pasadena. I guess.”
“You don’t know?”
“I went to live with Dad’s sister. My mom was my mom—I loved her. I tried to protect her. But she picked a monster over me.” I finally let go of the steering wheel, flexing my aching hand. “I couldn’t go back after that. I realized once I moved out, I resented her anyway for staying with him all that time.”
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