“Can I explain?” I prayed that she would let me, but I knew I didn’t deserve it.
“Where have you been?” Her voice was soft.
“I had some things to take care of.”
“Still you lie?”
“No, not lying. I had to take care of something.”
“For your father.” It wasn’t a question.
“Can I explain?”
“I let myself fall in love with you Chad, it was so easy. You are worthy of it, or at least you were. I don’t even know who you are anymore, all of the lies and half-truths ruined it all. I don’t want to hear your explanations anymore.” She wiped at her eyes.
I could feel my heart fracturing, that moment just before it would break into pieces. I did this—she deserved better than me.
“Did you think I would begrudge you the relationship with him? I get it, more than you know. You wanted to believe he was different.” She sobbed and wrapped her arms around her body.
I wanted to take her in my arms, to tell her how sorry I was for all of it. But I knew it was past that point. I had told one too many lies.
“You broke us. You pushed me away and now there’s no going back to how it was. All I wanted was honesty from you. You promised me this wouldn’t happen again, and I was stupid enough to believe it.”
“I’m sorry. If I could take it all back I would. I’d be upfront about all of it.”
She smiled sadly. “You’re not a bad guy, Chad, but even nice guys make mistakes.”
“How did you find out?”
“There was a note on your front door from him when I got here, saying he was sorry about the last time he came. I put the pieces together.”
“I need to go.” Scarlet wiped at her eyes
“Wait, stay for a while. We need to talk about this.” I was frantic. If she left this would be real, and she would be gone for good.
“There’s nothing else to say.” She got off the bed and walked past me.
I grabbed her arm before she got too far.
“Don’t. Just don’t. Let me go, please let me go.” Tears slipped down her cheeks. I dropped my hand and watched as she walked out of my apartment.
She was never meant to be mine. Even from the beginning.
Each day without her was torture. It was as if my reason for existing was suddenly gone. Just getting out of bed was hard for me. I’d never in my life felt this way about someone and knowing that I had ruined it cut me deep.
I saw her at work, and she wouldn’t even look at me. I couldn’t stand the distance, being treated like a stranger. Frank was on edge around both of us.
“Hey Chad, can you come into my office please?” he called.
“Yeah.” I trudged back to him. This was where I got fired, I was sure of it.
“Look, things have been weird since you two broke up or whatever it was that happened. I can’t have this in the shop.”
“What are you wanting me to do about it?” I knew my tone was disrespectful. Self-destruction was my motto these days.
“I think we need to alternate your shifts so you don’t work at the same time.”
“What does that mean?” I didn’t want to lose the one time I actually got to see her.
“It means she’ll be on mornings and you’ll be on nights until this all blows over.”
“Did you decide this or did she?” I sneered.
“I did. Lose the attitude about it. This will be better for both of you, because you won’t have to see each other all the time.”
How would this be better for me? This was the one place I actually got to see her. Even if it was like a knife to the heart each time I did.
“Fine. Whatever you want. Are we done here?”
He looked like he was going to say something else, but he waved me out instead.
Scarlet was sitting by the phone in the back of the shop when I walked out. She saw me and looked away quickly.
“Hey, you can look at me you know. I’m still a person. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge me,” I snarled at her.
“Stop it,” she said in a shaky voice. “I can’t do this here.” She got up and walked outside. I should have gone back to work, but I followed her.
“No, I can’t stop it.”
She whirled around to face me. “This is killing me.” Tears stained her cheeks.
“Killing you? You’re the one who ended this not me.” I was angry and knew I was lashing out at her.
“Damn you, I can still be sad about it. Me breaking up with you was the best thing I could do for me, for my heart. I still love you, even though I can’t stand to look at you. Every time I see your face it hurts me a little bit more. I remember the lies, every time you told me a lie to my face without even blinking. If you want to be angry with someone about this then be angry with yourself. You are the cause of this, not me.” She sobbed uncontrollably. God, I wanted to hug her, to hold her and tell her I would make it all better.
“If you would have let me explain about all of it things could have been different.”
“Seriously? How could you explain yourself? Explain the lies? I was stupid enough to give you a second chance before, but I’ve learned from my mistakes. I let things go on for too long. I believed you when you said nothing was wrong.” She sniffled.
“I’m sorry.”
“Well, I’m glad you're sorry. At least I have that.” She wiped at her cheeks.
“What do you want from me? I’m saying I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it for me anymore I guess. It doesn’t mean anything when there’s no truth behind it.”
I had never heard her like this, so cold. I finally saw just what I had done to her, to us.
“I wish I could do everything over and make the right decisions.” I felt defeated, I had broken us, broken her.
“I do too. More than anything I wish you had just been honest with me. I can’t trust you again with my heart because I was right about you before. You did smash me to pieces.” She turned to walk away, and I stopped her.
“Do you think you’ll always hate me?”
“I don’t know the answer to that. I only know what I feel right now and that is sadness.” She walked away again and this time I let her. She was right about all of it.
I went back to work and tried not to think about her. It didn’t work because I could still see her from my workbench. Maybe Frank was right, maybe we did need some time apart until all this blew over.
Taryn picked her up at the end of our shift. She walked past my bench on her way to get Scarlet.
“Hey,” I said as she walked by.
“Hey.” She smiled sadly.
“You know I never meant to break her heart.” I didn't know why I wanted her to believe me, but I really did. Like if she was on my side then maybe Scarlet would come back to me.
“I know, but it happened anyway. I’ve never seen her like this Chad. It’s really bad.” She shook her head.
“It’s bad for me too.”
“You need to give her some time and space to deal with this. Don’t call her or try and talk to her here.”
“It’s a little late for that advice, but I hear you loud and clear. I think we both need space. I need to wrap my head around a lot of things.”
“I don’t think you’re a bad guy, just misguided sometimes.”
“I’m trying, I just keep failing.”
“Look, I have to go. I’ll see you around okay?”
“Yeah okay.” I smiled weakly and finished packing my bag up.
I watched as Scarlet and Taryn walked out the side door. Taryn had her arm around Scarlet, and I hated myself for hurting her again. After the last time I swore I would never do it again. It didn’t stop me from lying to her and breaking my promises. She deserved better than me—better than what I could give her.
Maybe it was true what people always said about two people with messed up childhoods being bad for each other. I was barely good for m
yself these days, what could I offer her? I wanted her to be happy, to have love from someone who didn’t feel the need to lie or ruin things the way I did.
This wasn’t living. I hated each morning, loathed the afternoons, and wanted to murder the nights. I stayed away from the gym, too afraid to box again. Losing control wasn’t what I wanted or needed at the moment.
Vin called a few times a week, wanting to make sure I hadn’t hung myself from the shower curtain. Little did he know I had contemplated it. I wouldn’t act on it ever again, not after the last time. I couldn’t do that to my family, they deserved better than me giving up.
I made an appointment with a therapist, because something for sure had to change. I didn’t think it would help me at all, but I was going anyway.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about the guy. He was nice enough and had that sort of fatherly feel to him. Time would tell I guess.
“Tell me why you came today Chad?”
“Do you want the long version or the short one?”
“Whichever you feel like telling.” He set his pen down and watched me from across the room.
I told him everything, from my childhood to now. Everything with my dad and Scarlet—all the things that had happened.
“That’s a lot for someone your age to have dealt with.”
“I’m not so sure I did deal with it.”
“You have, in your own way. Did you want the therapy to work in the past? How many people have you seen about this?”
That was a stupid question, of course I had wanted it to work. Did he think I wanted to feel like this all the time? That I needed to hold onto the past? “I don’t know how many I’ve seen, too many to count. Nothing has ever worked. The dreams still come, and I’m not normal.”
“I want us to work on one thing at a time. First off I think we need to figure out your propensity toward violence. Where do you think that comes from?”
“I’m guessing it comes from my childhood.”
“You could be right on that. Do you feel like you deserved what happened to you?”
“What? Of course not.” I was almost certain I wouldn’t be coming back to this guy.
“A lot of abuse survivors feel responsible for what happened to them.”
“I don’t feel responsible for what happened to me.”
“Tell me about your relationship with your father.”
Talk about conversational whiplash. “What do you want to know about it?”
“Do you talk regularly?”
“More than I would like. It’s hard to be in a relationship with an addict.”
“Addiction is like a disease for some people.”
“Don't do that. Don’t make excuses for him. I’ve heard enough from him.”
“I’m not making any excuses for him, just stating a fact. Tell me how you felt when you saw him for the first time.”
“I felt rage. I never imagined I would actually see him again.”
“Go on.”
“I wanted to hurt him. To make him feel the pain that I felt when I was younger. To make him understand the scars I still carry around with me.”
“Did he understand?”
“He said he did. I don’t think he ever will though. All he wants is for me to forgive him. How can he not know that’s an impossible thing? I will never forgive him for what he did, never. He can’t make it right, can’t bring her back.”
“No, he can’t bring her back. But do you want to walk around with this for the rest of your life?”
“I don’t know.” I honestly didn’t know the answer to that question. I wasn't anywhere near ready to forgive him.
“Think about that until the next time we meet.”
I was pretty sure there wouldn’t be a next time. He hadn’t said anything new, I’d heard it all before. I went back to my apartment more confused than ever. Of course Tom was waiting by my door. I was surprised because he didn't look as dirty as he had the last time I saw him.
“I’m too tired for this today.” I walked past him and unlocked my door.
“Just listen.”
“I’d rather not. I feel like all I do is listen to you, to your lies. I’m tired, and I can't take it anymore.”
“Stop fighting me on this then. It would be so much easier if we were on the same page.”
“That’s the thing Tom, I don’t want to make things easier for you. I want things to be hard, you don’t deserve for things to work out.”
He frowned. “I deserve happiness as much as the next person.”
“No, you really don’t. A person who has done what you have done doesn’t deserve to be happy. You deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life just like I am.”
“I don’t want you to hate me anymore,” he said sadly.
“You get what you get Tom. It’s not possible for anything else. I’ve lost everything good in my life because of you.”
“This is why we need each other right now. You and your sister are all I have left.”
“Becca doesn’t need you.”
“I know she doesn’t, she has her man to take care of her, to love her. But you need me the way I need you.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Am I? Seems to me you’ve hit rock bottom same as me.”
“This isn’t anywhere near the bottom for me. You don’t know me well enough to make statements about my life.” I was getting angrier.
“I didn’t come here to fight.”
“Let me guess, you need money,” I said in a flat voice.
“No, I wanted to talk, that’s all.”
“I don’t want to continue whatever this is. I’ve had a long day and an even longer week. Just go. I’d tell you to not come back but I know you won’t listen.”
“I’m not going to stop Chad. I can't stop until you’re back in my life. Why can't you see that I’ve changed, that I’m making an effort here?”
I laughed. “It would be easier to swallow all of that if you had stayed clean. Right now I don’t believe anything you say.”
“You can't possibly understand what addiction really is until you’ve lived it.” He shook his head.
“I don’t want to understand you. Why don't you get that? You've done too much shit, caused too much pain.”
“I know what I’ve done. I see it every night when I go to sleep. It’s like a movie I can't turn off.”
“I see it too. I see her bloody and broken body. I hear Becca screaming for you to stop. I feel the same terror and helplessness. There is no forgiveness for that Tom, absolutely none.” I stalked into my apartment and slammed the door behind me.
God I was tired. The days had begun to blur together. I worked too hard, pushed myself too far. But I didn’t care. Nothing mattered without her. I’d pushed her away, and there was nothing I could do about the consequences now.
I trudged up the stairs to my apartment, wanting nothing more than my bed and a good night’s sleep. I stopped when I got to my door, because something didn’t feel right. The door was closed, but I could hear someone moving around inside.
I debated with myself for a moment, my hand poised to unlock the door. Should I call the police, or just go in and see who it is? Curiosity won out. I unlocked the door and pushed it open. I was not in any way prepared for what I saw.
My father was standing in front of my couch with Scarlet next to him. He looked weird, like he hadn’t slept in weeks. His clothes were filthy, covered in stains and grime. His eyes darted from me to the open door, and he inched closer to Scarlet.
My heart stopped at the look of pure terror in her eyes. A bruise was forming around her eye, and she had a split lip. The way she stood made me think she probably had at least one cracked rib.
“What’s going on here?” I asked as I stepped further into the apartment. I needed to get to her.
Tom grabbed Scarlet and whipped a knife out of his pocket. My eyes were glued to it as he raised it to her throat. He pressed it to her neck, and she let out
a yelp. “Put it down Tom, you don’t need to do this,” I said calmly as I inched forward.
“Don’t tell me what I need. You don’t know anything about need. I needed you, and you turned your back on me. I came to you asking for help. Why didn’t you help me, Chad?” His eyes shifted from me to Scarlet’s neck as he spoke.
“I wanted to help you. I did help you. I got you into that apartment.”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it,” he screamed. “I needed money. I can't think straight.” He scratched at his chin.
There was a noise outside, and his head snapped up, his gaze swiveling to the window. “What was that? Did you call the police?” He looked crazed.
“What? No, how would I have done that Tom? You were inside when I got home. I didn’t even know you were here.”
“I know they’re coming. They’re always after me.”
A tear slipped down Scarlet’s cheek. I could only imagine how terrified she must be. I couldn't lose her, wouldn’t lose her.
“Please Dad, just let her go. This isn't about her.” I took a step toward them.
He pressed the knife in, nicking her. A line of red formed where the blade met her skin. She made a strangled sound and tried not to flinch. My heart broke then, it smashed to pieces. Seeing her hurt because of me was the last straw.
“Dad, if I ever meant anything to you please let her go,” I begged.
He finally looked me in the eyes. “You love her huh?”
I’d never even said it to Scarlet yet. “Yes, I do. More than anything. Just let her go and we can work this out just you and me.”
“Love is a funny thing. At first it’s amazing, and all you can think about is the other person. But then, things happen and life changes, and suddenly love isn’t enough for them.” He looked out the window as he spoke. “Love wasn't enough for her in the end. All we did was fight and scream at each other. But God help me I still love her so much it hurts. I would give anything to have her back.”
I nodded, wanting to look sympathetic. “I get that Dad. Please don’t take Scarlet from me the way Mom was taken from you.” My voice was soft.
He looked down at Scarlet, his free hand smoothing away the tears from her cheek. “It will all be over soon,” he whispered in her ear. Scarlet started to shake, the tears coming faster now.
The Deeper We Get (The Harder I Fall #2) Page 11