on?"
"Surely do I, sweet wife," he answered; "for it was such as the minddoth not easily lose the memory of; the sufferings and glorious end ofthe blessed martyr Mrs. Clitherow. I perceived what sorrowful heedthou didst lend to his recital; but has it painfully dwelt in thy mindsince?"
"By day and by night it hath not left me; ever recurring to mythoughts, ever haunting my dreams, and working in me a fearfulapprehension lest in a like trial I should be found wanting, and provea traitor to God and his Church, and a disgrace and heartbreak to theewho hast so truly loved me far beyond my deserts. I have bragged ofthe dangers of the times, even as cowards are wont to speak loud inthe dark to still by the sound of their own voices the terrors they dofeel. I have had before my eyes the picture of that cruel death, andof the children extremely used for answering as their mother hadtaught them, till cold drops of sweat have stood on my brow, and Ihave knelt in my chamber wringing my hands and praying to be spared alike trial. And then, maybe an hour later, sitting at the table, Ispake merrily of the gallows, mocking my own fears, as when Mr. Bryanwas last here; and I said that priests should be more welcome to methan ever they were, now that virtue and the Catholic cause were madefelony; and the same would be in God's sight more meritorious thanever before: upon which, 'Then you must prepare your neck for therope,' quoth he, in a pleasant but withal serious manner; at the whicha cold chill overcame me, and I very well-nigh faulted, thoughconstraining my tongue to say, 'God's will be done; but I am farunworthy of so great an honor.' The cowardly heart belied theconfident tongue, and fear of my own weakness affrighted me, by thewhich I must needs have offended God, who helps such as trust inhim. But I hope to be forgiven, inasmuch as it has ever been the wontof my poor thoughts to picture evils beforehand in such a form as toscare the soul, which, when it came to meet with them, was not shakenfrom its constancy. When Conny was an infant I have stood nigh unto awindow with her in my arms, and of a sudden a terror would seize melest I should let her fall out of my hands, which yet clasped her; andmethinks 'twas somewhat of alike feeling which worked in me touchingthe denying of my faith, which, God is my witness, is dearer to methan aught upon earth."
"'Tis even so, sweet wife," quoth my father; "the edge of a too keenconscience and a sensitive apprehension of defects visible to thineown eyes and God's--never to mine, who was ever made happy by thy loveand virtue--have worn out the frame which enclosed them, and will robme of the dearest comfort of my life, if I must lose thee."
She looked upon him with so much sweetness, as if the approach ofdeath had brought her greater peace and joy than life had ever done,and she replied: "Death comes to me as a compassionate angel, and Ifain would have thee welcome with me the kindly messenger who bringsso great relief to the poor heart thou hast so long cherished. Now,thou art called to another task; and when the bruised, broken reed isremoved from thy side, thou wilt follow the summons which even nowsounds in thine ears."
"Ah," cried my father, clasping her hand, "art thou then already asaint, sweet wife, that thou hast read the vow slowly registered asyet in the depths of a riven heart?" Then his eyes turned on me; andshe, who seemed to know his thoughts, that sweet soul who had been sosilent in life, but was now spending her last breath innever-to-be-forgotten words, answered the question contained in thatglance as if it had been framed in a set speech.
"Fear not for her," she said, laying her cheek close unto mine. "Asher days, so shall her strength be. Methinks Almighty God has givenher a spirit meet for the age in which her lot is cast. The earlytraining thou hast had, my wench; the lack of such memories as makethe present twofold bitter; the familiar mention round thy cradle ofsuch trials as do beset Catholics in these days, have nurtured thee astoutness of heart which will stand thee in good stead amidst therough waves of this troublesome world. The iron will not enter intothy soul as it hath done into mine." Upon which she fell backexhausted and for a while no sound was heard in or about the housesave the barking of our great dog.
My father had sent a messenger to a house where we had had notice daysbefore Father Ford was staying but with no certain knowledge he stillthere, or any other priest in neighborhood, which occasioned him nosmall disquietude, for my mother's strength seemed to be visiblysinking which was what the doctor's words had led him to expect. Theman he sent returned not till the evening; in the afternoon Mr.Genings and son came from Lichfield, which, when my mother heard, shesaid God was gracious to permit her once more to see John, which wasMr. Genings' name. They had been reared in the same house; and akindness had always continued betwixt them. For some time past he hadconformed to the times; and since his marriage with the daughter of aFrench Huguenot who lived in London, and who was a lady of verycommendable character and manners, and strenuous in her own way ofthinking, he had left off practising his own religion in secret, whichfor a while he used to do. When he came in, and saw death plainly writin his cousin's face, he was greatly moved, and knelt down by her sidewith a very sorrowful countenance; upon which she straightly looked athim, and said: "Cousin John, my breath is very short, as my timeis also like to be. But one word I would fain say to thee before Idie. I was always well pleased with my religion, which was once thineand that of all Christian people one hundred years ago; but I havenever been so well pleased with it as now, when I be about to meet myJudge."
Mr. Genings' features worked with a strange passion, in which was moreof grief than displeasure, and grasping his son's shoulder, who waslikewise kneeling and weeping, he said: "You have wrought with thisboy, cousin, to make him a Catholic."
"As heaven is my witness," she answered, "not otherwise but by myprayers."
"Hast thou seen a priest, cousin Constance?" he then asked: upon whichmy mother not answering, the poor man burst into tears, and cried:"Oh, cousin--cousin Constance, dost count me a spy, and at thydeath-bed?"
He seemed cut to the heart; whereupon she gave him her hand, and saidshe hoped God would send her such ghostly assistance as she stood inneed of; and praying God to bless him and his wife and children, andmake them his faithful servants, so she might meet them all inperpetual happiness, she spoke with such good cheer, and then bade himand Edmund farewell with so pleasant a smile, as deceived them intothinking her end not so near. And so, after a while, they took theirleave; upon which she composed herself for a while in silence,occupying her thoughts in prayer; and toward evening, through God'smercy, albeit the messenger had returned with the heavy news thatFather Ford had left the county some days back, it happened that Mr.Watson, a secular priest who had lately arrived in England, and was onhis way to Chester, stopped at our house, whereunto Mr. Orton, whom hehad seen in prison at London, had directed him for his own convenienceon the road, and likewise our commodity, albeit little thinking howgreat our need would be at that time of so opportune a guest, throughwhose means that dear departing soul had the benefit of the lastsacraments with none to trouble or molest her, and such ghostly aid asserved to smooth her passage to what has proved, I doubt not, thebeginning of a happy eternity, if we may judge by such tokens as thefervent acts of contrition she made both before and after shrift, suchas might have served to wash away ten thousand sins through his bloodwho cleansed her, and her great and peaceable joy at receiving himinto her heart whom she soon trusted to behold. Her last words wereexpressions of wonder and gratitude at God's singular mercy shown untoher in the quiet manner of her death in the midst of such troublesometimes. And methinks, when the silver cord was loosed, and naught wasleft of her on earth save the fair corpse which retained in death thesemblance it had had in life, that together with the natural griefwhich found vent in tears, there remained in the hearts of such asloved her a comfortable sense of the Divine goodness manifested inthis her peaceable removal.
How great the change which that day wrought in me may be judged of bysuch who, at the age I had then reached to, have met with a likeaffliction, coupled with a sense of duties to be fulfilled, such asthen fell to my lot, both as touching household cares, and in respectto the cheerin
g of my father in his solitary hours during the time wedid yet continue at Sherwood Hall, which was about a year. It waxedvery hard then for priests to make their way to the houses ofCatholics, as many now found it to their interest to inform againstthem and such as harbored them; and mostly in our neighborhood,wherein there were at that time no recusants of so great rank and notethat the sheriff would not be lief to meddle with them. We hadoftentimes had secret advices to beware of such and such of ourservants who might betray our hidden conveyances of safety; and myfather scarcely durst be sharp with them when they offended byslacking their duties, lest they might bring us into danger if theyrevealed, upon any displeasure, priests having abided with us. Edmundwe saw no more since my mother's death; and
Constance Sherwood: An Autobiography of the Sixteenth Century Page 14