Her eyes narrow into slits as she glares at me. “Are you still holding on to that?”
I look at Mia who’s standing next to the bike she just got for her seventh birthday. She’s in the middle of the street watching me, and a car is coming right for her. I jump off my bike and let it fall to the ground and run after her.
“Move, Mia!”
“What?” She’s confused and I keep running toward her. I gotta get her out of the road before she gets hit. Why isn’t the car stopping? Does he not see us?
Mia turns her head, and that’s when she sees it. Most people would probably run out of the road, but she’s frozen. She lets go of her bike, letting it fall on its side while she stares at the car. When I get to her, I don’t stop running, and tackle her out of the way. I put my arm out to catch our fall, but we hit the ground hard. It hurts all over and I feel bad that I land on top of her. I roll off of her and my arm is killing me.
“Ahhhhhh,” I cry out with my eyes closed tight as I roll around on the ground.
After a trip to the ER, it was confirmed that I had broken my arm.
“Am I still holding on to the fact I saved you and broke my arm in the process?” I look up at the ceiling in contemplation. “Yes,” I say, bringing my focus back to her.
“Oh, shut up.” She grabs a pillow off my bed and throws it at me.
“Did you just hit me?” I look at her with an evil glint in my eye as I sit up.
“I’m sorry,” she says immediately. If she thinks that’s going to save her, she’s wrong.
“Oh, you will be.” Grabbing the pillow behind me, I hit her with it. I don’t swing hard, so it barely moves her. After she retrieves the weapon she threw at me, we get into an all-out pillow war.
My stomach hurts from laughing and the sound of her giggles is music to my ears. She pulls back and swings hard, hitting me in the side of my face. Since I was on my knees on my bed, I’m knocked off balance.
I collide into her, pushing her back on the bed while I fall on top of her. I manage to catch my fall with my hands before crushing her, but as I hover above her in this intimate position, all joking ceases and it gets serious real fast.
Looking down at her chest, I see it rising and falling rapidly. My heartrate accelerates, matching her breaths. Our faces are inches away and when I bring my focus back up to her eyes, I see it.
Hesitance.
Curiosity.
Need.
It’s everything I’m feeling.
The tension is so thick it’s suffocating me. The air between us is hot, intoxicating, and electrically charged. It wouldn’t take much to set us off. I’m at war with myself. I want to cross this invisible line so damn bad, but I know once I do, there’s no turning back. It’ll forever alter our relationship and as bad as I want her, I don’t know if I can do that. She means too much to risk throwing it all away.
Mia blinks, breaking eye contact and the moment. I move off of her, taking my first deep breath since we both fell.
“I, uh . . .” I search my brain for an excuse, but come up short. “I better go.”
She clears her throat. “Sure, I’ll see you later then.”
I don’t look back as I make a beeline for the door, terrified I won’t have the willpower to leave. This isn’t simple touches and holding hands anymore. The lines are becoming more blurred and I know it’s only a matter of time before we jump over it.
But then what?
We’re playing with fire and we both know it. Still, that doesn’t stop us. Despite our close call recently, we’re still pushing boundaries. It stays with hand holding and secret looks, but I’m not sure how long that will last. We’re both ticking time bombs, waiting to explode. It’s just a question of who’s going to light the fuse.
Rolling over onto my side, I stare into her eyes when she faces me as we lie on my bed. Like her hair, they’ve darkened over the years. Where they were as light as the sky, now they’re like blue ink. My best friend, the person I’ve known my whole life, lies deep inside there. In a sea of blue are all of our memories, hopes, secrets, and feelings, and that’s what constantly sucks me in. My line-of-sight travels the length of her straight, petite nose, down to her full lips. It amazes me how they’re always the perfect shade of pink, like she has on permanent lipstick. But that’s Mia: a natural beauty.
Without thought, I move slowly toward her until we’re a breath away. With my eyes trained on her lips, visions of us kissing as part of our pact when we were eleven flashes through my mind. But this is different. This is real.
Looking back up to her eyes, I need confirmation that this is okay. I don’t know how to tell her, so I want to show her how I really feel about her. That I don’t want to be just friends. She doesn’t move, only stares. My lips reach out to hers and barely brush across them, moving from side to side just to feel them against mine. It’s like touching silk they’re so soft. Although she doesn’t make a move to deepen the kiss, she doesn’t pull back either. Instead, she mimics my movement and lightly moves her lips back across mine. We’re both in this moment of discovery, timidly wading through uncharted waters.
I can’t hold back anymore and make the final move. My mouth covers hers softly, gently caressing her lips. The taste of cherries hits my tongue and I decide that’s my favorite flavor. We start off slow, but things start picking up and soon she’s opening her mouth to me and my tongue accepts her invitation. My hands travel from her hip up her rib cage. My mind sends a warning signal, telling me this is wrong and we should stop, but I ignore it and keep going. I want this—I want her—so bad that it hurts. My only hope is that she wants me in the same ways.
Several minute pass by and they’re the best of my life. With us connected in this way, nothing else matters for me. A tornado could blow the house over and that still wouldn’t be enough to pull me away from her. As that thought crosses my mind and my hand digs into her hip, she pulls away. Her chest moves up and down rapidly as she catches her breath. I rest my forehead against hers as I try to slow my breathing too.
“What are we doing?” she asks in a breathy whisper.
“I thought we were making out.” I try for humor, but know she wants answers deeper than that. I mean, she’s known me my whole damn life. How does she not know?
“I know that.” She pulls back and studies my face. Her careful inspection makes me nervous, like she’s searching for something bad, something that would convince her to run far away from me. “This is a bad idea,” she continues.
“Mia, I don’t know how—”
“No, we shouldn’t be doing this, Blake. We’re best friends. What happens if we keep going and it doesn’t work out? It’ll make things super complicated and awkward, and I don’t think I could take losing you.” Her eyebrows pull together and she actually looks pained.
These are all things I’ve already considered and gone over in my head. I don’t know what I’d do if Mia wasn’t in my life. There’s always risk involved with things like this, but I think it would be worth it. Does she not feel the same? Is our potential as a couple not worth it to her?
Every time I’m around her, all I can think about is how I want more. I care about her. Hell, I’ve loved her since we were six years old, I just didn’t know it. Her rejection is a punch to the gut and instantly sets me on the defense.
I sit up and move away from her. “Yeah, you’re right. We shouldn’t cross the line. I mean, it’s totally stupid to think we could work.” My tone is cold even to my own ears.
“I didn’t mean—”
“No,” I interrupt her, “it’s for the best.” We sit in silence for a few moments before I break it. “I have a lot of homework to do, so I think it might be time for you to go home.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her mouth drop open as she sits up in the bed. I don’t bother looking at her. This is what she wants, so I’m going to give it to her, even if it hurts me in the process. Without another word, she rises from the bed, leaves my room
, and goes home.
As I’m trying—and failing—to do my homework, all I can think about is the feel of Mia’s lips on mine and how things ended when she left. If there wasn’t something there, she wouldn’t have kissed me back. I heard everything she was saying, but her actions spoke louder than her words. She feels this just as much as I do and I’m not giving up until she sees that.
Present
I jump back to reality when I hear static from my radio. A glimmer of hope courses through my body as I scramble to bring it up to my mouth.
“Does anyone copy? This is Blake Collins and I’m in need of immediate help. Over.”
More static.
I mess with the channels and keep trying to get someone on the other end of my calls. Hell, I’d take a little kid on his walkie talkie at this point, but every time I come up with nothing.
“Okay, think,” I say to myself.
My head turns in every direction, trying to find something that might be of use, wincing as I do. I’m not sure what I’m looking for since I can’t tie a makeshift splint around my legs and magically walk. Nothing is within arm’s reach anyway.
They say the body can do supernatural things under stress. I guess I’m about to find out.
Fuck this. I’ll belly crawl out of this damn place if I have to. Thinking of Mia’s lips on mine for the first time has me determined to get the hell out of here. I will taste her lips and feel her tongue against mine again.
I don’t care what I have to do.
December 2000
“So, what’s up with you and Mia?” Xavier asks. He’s our second baseman and the cockiest out of all of us. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women. And for some reason, the girls at our school totally fall for his bullshit lines.
“Uh, n-nothing,” I stutter, taken aback by his random question.
He looks at the other two guys we’re standing with, a knowing smile on his face. “Yeah, right. You guys are inseparable. Everyone thinks you guys have something going on. Plus, she’s hot. You gonna tell me you haven’t hit that yet?” They all start laughing and elbowing each other, but I’m not amused.
At first, my blood boils and my jaw clenches at hearing him talk about her like any other slut in this school. But my anger toward him soon shifts toward my frustration with Mia. She’d given me all the signals that we were on the same page, then turned me down when I acted on it. We’re not even some secret tucked away from prying eyes. We’re just friends. The same thing we’ve been for the last ten years. Well, fuck that and fuck her for leading me on.
“Nah, dude,” I say with a short chuckle. “It’s not like that. I mean, I know she’s got it bad for me. She told me the other day. Tried to get me to kiss her and everything. I feel bad for her, but I don’t see her in that way. She’s like my little sister. And trust me, there’s nothing hot about kissing your sister.” I cringe and shiver to emphasize my point. I’m so full of shit, but what else can I say? Maybe if I repeat this to myself enough, I’ll start to believe it.
They’re all joking around, but I’m not paying attention to what they’re saying even though I’m smiling right along with them. That is until they stop laughing as Xavier pats me on the chest while looking behind me. The smile is wiped off my face as soon as I spin around and am met with the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Mia.
She must have been there the whole time and heard everything. She backs away while slowly shaking her head in disbelief as her mouth hangs open. Before I can say anything, she turns around and runs down the hall. Without a second thought, my feet spring into action as I run after her.
“Mia! Wait!” I shout after her, but she doesn’t listen. She keeps running as fast as she can away from me. She makes it to the exit, but I catch her arm before she can push her way through and go outside. “Mia, let me explain.”
“No, let go of me.” She yanks her arm from my grasp, which is fitting since it feels like she’s slipping from my life too. First she pushes me away, then things are weird, now I’m sure she hates me.
I raise my hands in the air in surrender. “Can we just talk?” I plead.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I mean, I’ve got it so bad for you and all,” she mocks me, “so I don’t want to bother you since apparently I’m just your little sister.” She turns to get away from me, but I block her path with my arm.
“Wait a second. You’re the one that told me no, remember? It’ll be weird you said. Well, what the hell am I supposed to tell people when they ask about us?” My hands rise up in the air and fall at my sides in frustration.
“You’re not supposed to make me look like a pathetic loser! You completely humiliated me back there. They were all making fun of me and laughing, and it’s your fault. You made me sound so foolish!” Her face is red with anger, but her eyes well up with tears of pain, and it kills me that I’m to blame.
“Mia, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.” She knows I can’t take it when she cries.
She swallows hard and stands up taller, pulling her shoulders back and lifting her chin up in defiance. “Goodbye, Blake. Don’t bother calling or coming over anymore. I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”
“What? You don’t—”
“I mean it. If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t have done that.” Without another word, she spins around and walks out the door.
I’m stunned speechless. As she walks away, all I can do is stare at her back with my mouth open. She’s really going to shun me, cast me out of her life for good? If I thought rejection stung, it pales in comparison to how this feels. My heart literally aches and feels hollow. There was such finality to her tone and expression, and that scares me because I think she means it. The thought of not talking to her anymore is paralyzing.
I’m not sure how long I stand there, but the bell for next period dings, bringing me out of my trance. I stumble my way to class trying to sort out how the hell my relationship with Mia got to this. We went from being great to nothing in a matter of weeks. And it’s all my fault because our downfall all started with one kiss.
Thirty-two days.
That’s how long I’ve gone without talking to Mia. The Christmas gift I bought her is still sitting on my desk collecting dust, serving as a reminder she’s not in my life. Lying on my back on the floor, I throw a baseball up in the air and catch it. I repeat this movement over and over as I do everything to keep from looking at the package on my desk. But it’s staring at me, flashing in neon lights, making it impossible to ignore.
“Ugh,” I sigh as I hop up and go downstairs.
“Hey, sweetie,” Mom greets me from the kitchen.
“Hey,” I mumble.
“Are you hungry? I was about to make lunch.”
“Not really.” I lean against the counter and watch her pull out some sandwich meat from the fridge. She turns toward me and arches her eyebrow. I know that look; she wants me to spill.
“What’s wrong?”
I shake my head. “Nothing.”
She walks toward the counter I’m leaning against and sets her stuff down before crossing her arms and leveling me with a look. “Okay, I want to know what’s going on. I’ve left you alone, giving you some space to sort it out and trying not to pry, but I’ve had enough. You’ve been moping around here long enough. Now, I want to know why you’re so upset all the time.”
I sigh and walk into the living room as I respond. “It’s nothing, Mom.”
“Does this have to do with Mia? I noticed she hasn’t been around in a while.”
“Really, it’s not a big deal.”
She comes around with plates for each of us in her hands before sitting down beside me on the couch. “It’s a big deal to me. Now spill or I’ll go next door and get the story from her.”
I want to glare at her so bad, but hold back. “We got into a fight at school and she won’t talk to me.”
“When did this happen?”
“About a month ago.” I do
n’t tell her I know it’s been exactly thirty-two days. That’ll raise more eyebrows and make her ask more questions. Her eyes widen. I’m sure she didn’t realize it’s been that long. “And before you ask, I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“Fair enough,” she says with a nod. “Have you tried walking over and talking to her?”
I huff out a humorless laugh. “Uh, yeah. Mr. Avery sorta told me to stop coming over.” I leave out the part where he caught me trying to climb up the lattice to her bedroom window.
“Wow, I’m actually kind of surprised Jack hadn’t said anything to me.” I shrug in response. I begged him not to say anything so I didn’t stress Mom out more than she already is. “You need a big gesture then.”
My eyebrows crinkle in confusion. “Like what?”
“Hmmm.” She taps her lips with her finger. “Let me think on it a second.” These are the moments I really miss my dad. It’d be so much easier talking to him about this stuff, and I’m sure he’d know exactly what to do. “Maybe it’s not a big gesture you need, just a sweet and thoughtful one. Do you still have the present you got her for Christmas?”
I nod. “Yeah, it’s on my desk.”
“Why don’t you write her a note apologizing and give it to her with the gift. It’s easier to get her to hear everything you need to say to her if she’s reading it versus trying to talk to her while she’s mad or hurt. She’ll know you’ve been thinking about her and that your apology is sincere, then the ball is in her court.”
I give it some thought, and it’s not a bad idea. Hell, everything I’ve done so far hasn’t worked. What do I have to lose? “Thanks, Mom.” I stand with my uneaten sandwich in hand, kiss her on the cheek, and head upstairs to start writing.
Dear Mia,
I’ve gone over a million ways to say I’m sorry. A million ways to get you to hear and believe me. Everything I come up with seems like a failure, and this might be too, but this is all I’ve got. My hope is that you’ll read these words I write and feel everything I’m trying to say.
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