Worse, everything is all my fault.
I’ve lost a piece of my heart—my soul. No, lost is the wrong word. If something is lost, you have a chance to find and reclaim it. My heart has died and I feel like I’m in mourning.
As a distraction, I’ve been spending as much time as possible at the station. Since I’m just a volunteer, I’m only required to respond to forty percent of the calls each month. I’ve gone on eighty.
“Hey, bro, you got a package in the mail,” Luke says as he walks into the apartment.
“Oh, yeah?” That’s strange. I’m not expecting anything.
Sitting on the kitchen table is a medium sized, brown box. When I read the return address, my breath falters.
Mia Avery.
My mind spins with everything that could be inside. Maybe this is her way of reaching out to me with Christmas right around the corner. It seems to be our go-to method of apologizing. Even though I’m the one that has a lot of groveling to do. Trying not to get my hopes up, I carefully and hesitantly cut the tape holding the box shut. When I see what’s inside, my entire body almost crumbles.
Every single thing I’ve ever given her, everything we got together, all of our pictures, anything she had that would remind her of me is staring up at me. My heart drops to the pit of my stomach seeing her throw all of our memories away. Then it dawns on me that she’s not just mad or hurt, she hates me. She doesn’t want a single trace of me with her. My hand goes to my chest where my tattoo is and rubs it. My heart seizes like a couple of old, rusty gears that have locked up and refuse to move. I grip the edge of the table and brace myself on it.
“Argghhh!” I yell out like a warrior on the battlefield before my arms swipe across the table, sending the box and all of its contents to the floor. Scattered everywhere are pieces of my life. A life I was sure would include Mia. Prom, Lookout Mountain, birthday gifts.
Everything.
My eyes rest on my favorite picture of us from the photo booth at an amusement park we went to this summer.
“Hold up, let’s go in there,” I tell her as I point it out. We get in and close the curtain before inserting some money to make this thing work.
“What kind of faces should we make?” I ask her.
“Let’s do one cute one, a funny one, and a kissy one, and a—”
“Or we could do all kissy ones,” I suggest, earning me an elbow to the ribs.
The countdown starts at five. “Okay, no stupid faces, Blake. You need to make up for that rollercoaster photo.” Alright, so the rollercoaster wasn’t my best moment.
Forget the picture. I start to tickle her sides and she throws her head back in laughter when the flash goes off. “How’s that for a stupid face?”
“Okay, okay, you got me.” She’s still laughing. “Now be serious.” She smooths out her features and I face the screen and smile, waiting for it to snap. When it does, Mia says, “Okay, now kiss me.”
“Gladly.” With my hand behind her neck, I pull her to me and seal my lips with hers. This never gets old. No matter how many times we do it, it always feels like the first time. I pull away and look into her eyes as my thumb rubs her cheek. There’s so much love in her eyes, and I can only hope she sees it in mine too because I love this girl with my very soul.
The photo booth beeps, letting us know our session is over. A few minute later, it spits out our prints. There’s the one of her laughing and us posing and smiling. Of course the kissing is hot, but my favorite is after that. Staring into each other’s eyes, it would be hard for anyone to not see how we feel about each other.
We have a love that has grown over the course of twelve years. A love that has gone through stages of friendship to what we are now. A love I’m sure will withstand our approaching obstacles of distance and time apart. No matter what happens, I’ll always look at this frame and know exactly how I felt at this exact moment.
I want to crumble up that photo and burn it. I want to destroy everything that lays at my feet, but I can’t do it. It’s amazing how twelve years can fit so neatly in a confined space and be shipped anywhere around the world.
When I see my notes, my knees damn near give out. I used to hide her little notes all the time. They’d be in her locker or under her windshield wipers. When she went away to school, I mailed her letters, wanting her to remember I was always thinking of her. All of my feelings for her lay at my feet, discarded and forgotten. I didn’t even know she kept all of them, but to have her give them back is like a dagger to the heart.
“Whoa, what’s up with all this?” Luke asks behind me.
I’m still heaving, my body shaking with hurt and anger. “It’s . . . nothing.” I don’t want to explain this to him. He’s already told me I’ve been moping around here like a pussy. Bending to pick up my mess, Luke comes up beside me and pats my shoulder.
“It’s going to be okay, man. Let me show you how to forget her.”
I don’t care what I have to do as long as I can ignore the deep ache in my chest.
June 2003
I’m checking things off the grocery list the guys at the station gave me as I throw the items in the buggy.
Ass wipes.
I roll my eyes and chuckle to myself, knowing that one is all Gary. He’s an idiot, but the one I’ve grown closest to. He’s not only been a mentor, but a great friend.
The store is packed today, and it feels like it takes forever to get through the line, but I’m almost done and loading everything into the back of the SUV. I turn to get the last bag out of the buggy when blonde hair catches my attention. Looking up, there she is.
I freeze, paralyzed by the sight of her after all these months. I haven’t seen or heard from her since November. No, that’s not true. I haven’t heard from her since she mailed me all that shit back in December. She has on some short shorts that show off her long, tan legs that look more toned now. Her tank top hugs her tits and images of touching them instantly come to my head. But it’s her smile I miss the most. On full display, it stretches across her face. With her sunglasses on I can’t see her eyes, but her smile is a kick to the gut.
Damn, I’ve missed her.
My longing for her vanishes when I realize what she’s smiling about. Up walks some asshole who throws his arm around her shoulders. With her blonde hair blowing in the wind, it’s hard for me to tell who it is.
They walk through the parking lot without a care in the world until they reach a car I don’t recognize. He opens the passenger door for her, but before she slides in, she turns and gives him a kiss. Throwing her arms around his neck, not an inch of space separates them as she presses her body against his. What’s left of my heart drops to the pit of my stomach as I’m forced to watch another guy touch my girl.
My girl.
It’s weird how two words that used to make me happy—used to bring a smile to my face—now carry nothing but pain and sorrow. It’s like a slow drip of acid to my heart, torturing me. I cringe as those words roll through my mind, wreaking havoc as it stirs up old emotions I’ve tried desperately to bury.
Pulling back with that contagious smile of hers, she finally turns around and gets in the car. He shuts the door and walks around the front of it, which is facing me. That’s when I get a clear picture of his face.
Motherfucking Petey.
The bag I had forgotten I was holding falls from my grasp and lands on the asphalt with a thud. I have tunnel vision as I walk across the parking lot and toward his car. I don’t run, I just continue at a steady pace, my eyes never leaving dickhead. Before I can make it to him, he puts the car in reverse and backs up. I stop moving and watch as he makes a left and drives past me.
A horn honking grabs my attention, and that’s when I realize I’m standing in the middle of a row and a car can’t get around me. When my head moves back toward Petey’s car as I get out of the way, I see Mia looking behind her right at me. She doesn’t move and stares until I can’t see her anymore and the car turns out of the parking
lot.
My arm reaches out to brace myself against a nearby car. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the balls, making it hard to breathe. I knew running into her would be a possibility, but I didn’t expect her to have a fucking boyfriend the first time I saw her.
Goddammit, I was right.
My weakness turns to anger as I remember the smug expression on his face and the dumb shit he said. Now that the shock of seeing her is wearing off, a whole new wave of feelings take over. And none of them are making me collapse. It’s the exact opposite and I thank God he drove off because I’d probably beat the shit out of him.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. She was my best friend, the person I always talked to and shared things with. I should have listened to her. Things would change if we crossed the line, and they have. Because standing here in this busy parking lot I know there’s no way in hell I could ever be friends with her now.
August 2003
I can’t get the last image I have of Mia out of my head. The two of them kissing, her looking blissfully fucking happy, them riding off into the goddamn sunset. Before when I’d think about her it’d make me sad, depressed even. Now, it infuriates me, makes me sick to my stomach.
Luke and I are on our way to pick up Laurie and Amber, the same girls Mia heard over the phone and got pissed about. This isn’t the first time we’ve hung out with them, and despite Amber’s best attempts to get me to fuck her, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Call me a pussy, but I’m not ready. It feels wrong. My mind—and other areas—tell me to get on with it, but my heart tells me I belong to someone else.
That’s what love does to you. It lures you in like a predator to its trap under this false sense of security only to pull the rug out from under you in the end. And when you’re lying on your back, utterly destroyed and trying as hard as you can to breathe, you know you’ll never be the same. Love leaves a deep wound where even its scar hurts.
“Hey, ladies,” Luke greets as they get in the car. I glance behind me and they’re dressed like twins. They do this often and I find it pretty ridiculous, but I guess they think they’re cute, so whatever.
They both have on halter tops that plunge in the front and are short enough to show their stomachs. I’m sure their asses are barely covered by their skirts if the amount of leg I’m seeing in the car is any indication.
“Lookin’ good, Blake,” Amber flirts.
“You too, babe.” I flash her a smirk and do my best to fake my interest before turning back around as we head to the club.
About twenty minutes later, we find a place to park. “Dude, you need to up your game. I kinda like Laurie, so I need you to be my wingman, got it?” Luke says low enough the girls can’t hear us. I nod.
Luke has done a lot for me by giving me a place to stay. The least I can do is put on a happy face and try to have some fun. Who knows, this might be good for me too. It might help me let go little by little.
The club is loud and packed, filled wall to wall with people. It only opened a couple weeks ago, but by the looks of it, it seems to be a hit. “What do you want to drink?” I ask into Amber’s ear.
“Sex on the beach,” she shouts over the music.
You only have to be eighteen to get into this place, but thanks to Luke’s old I.D. that he told the DMV he lost, I can drink too. When the bartender comes over to me, I place our orders. “Can I get a sex on the beach and a Bud Lite?”
He nods before going to make them. Turning my back to the bar, I look around. It’s dim in here with laser lights flying all over the dance floor. The only other light I notice is coming from the perimeter where a purple beam shines up the walls.
“Here you go.” Facing the bar again, I throw him some cash and grab our drinks.
When I hand Amber her girly concoction, she chugs it almost immediately. My eyes widen in surprise. “Damn,” I say. That’s the quickest ten dollars I’ve ever spent.
She smiles seductively, taking my comment as a positive. “Let’s dance.” She bites her lip and grabs my arm, leading us to the dance floor. The beat is thumping and bodies are moving everywhere. The last—and only—person I’ve danced with is Mia. My eyes squeeze shut as I try to block out those thoughts. They’re not welcome and I’ve got to get out of my head if only for tonight.
Amber takes the lead, not needing me to do a damn thing. With her arms draped over my shoulders, she rolls her pelvis into my hips, rubbing my dick as she does. It doesn’t take long for me to respond. Grabbing her hips with my hands, I let her do her thing and hold on for the ride.
When she’s done grinding the front of her body on mine, she turns around and shoves her ass into me. My eyes focus on her ass and that’s the only thing I think about as I watch it bounce up and down. The song comes to a stop and she stands upright and faces me again, a pleased smile on her face.
“I need another drink,” she says.
She downs the next one I buy for her and I chug my next beer. I’m way too sober for this shit. With a little booze running through my system, I get bolder and don’t give a shit about anything else except for what’s in front of me. So when Amber bends over and shakes her ass in front of me, I give it a good smack. She gasps and shoots up quickly. When she turns around, one corner of my mouth quirks up challenging her to say she didn’t enjoy that.
Her eyes go to my lips. “Mmmm, I like that,” she purrs.
“Want to get out of here?” I point over my shoulder to the exit.
“Thought you’d never ask.”
“Let me find Luke and then we can go.”
Scanning the crowd, I see him off to the side with Laurie, whispering in her ear. “Hey,” I shout, breaking the two of them up. “Amber and I are going to grab a cab and get out of here. You cool?”
Luke gives me a knowing look. “Yeah, we’re good.” He pats me on the back and I head toward the front to join Amber.
As we’re waiting for a cab, she’s hanging all over me and giggling. Normally, I hate girls that giggle nonstop, but right now she’s exactly what I need. Her body leans into mine as her head goes back and she laughs at something.
At that moment, my eyes lock in on the one person I hoped to never see again. She looks as surprised to see me as I am her. A vision of her in the parking lot flashes through my mind. Anger and the need to get even possess me, so I lean down and lick up the side of Amber’s neck before biting her earlobe. My hands go around behind her, cup her ass, and pull her into me. The whole time my eyes stay on Mia’s.
“Oh, God. I can’t wait to get back to your place,” Amber moans.
“Me too, baby.” I grind my hips into her and she lets out another groan. Without another thought, I kiss Amber. I kiss her rough and hard, punishing her mouth with my tongue, and she asks for more like the greedy girl she is.
When I peel her off of me, I look over at Mia just in time to see her run off. I don’t care about the hurt on her face or the tears in her eyes. The only thing I see is Petey’s slimy arms all over her and her lips on him. Well, now she knows what I went through and I hope her heart feels as if it’s being ripped out like mine was.
Amber and I don’t waste time on foreplay and sweet words when we get to my apartment. We both have one goal in mind and we’re racing to that finish line. She wants to ride me, but I don’t have it in me to look at her, so I flip her around and fuck her from behind after I put on a condom.
The first time I banged Amber, I was a little sick to my stomach. I had to hold my eyes wide open to keep flashbacks of Mia from flashing across the back of my eyelids. Despite being angry with her, I still love her. But with each time, and then each different chick, it became easier and easier until I was numb. I had successfully shut off the part of my heart that gave a shit, the part that kept me in a place of constant hurt and pain. The part that had me thinking of Mia.
Luke was right; he was able to show me the way to forget her. It wasn’t immediate, but three months and a revolving door of girls later, I’ve accomplishe
d it. Because as I lie here and let some new girl suck my dick, Mia is the last thing on my mind.
April 2005
I’m almost done.
In a few short weeks, I’ll be passing the second phase of the course to become a firefighter. With all my hours of volunteering, plus the associate’s degree in fire science I got online, I made it through the recruiting process.
You’d think I’d be more excited about it, but something is missing. Not something, but someone.
Mia.
I haven’t seen her since that night outside the club, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about her. She’s on my mind constantly. I’ll see a blonde from behind and my heart starts racing, thinking it’s her. I’ll catch a whiff of someone’s citrusy spray and be reminded of her. I see her everywhere I go and dream of her when I sleep.
It’s torture.
But as this chapter of my life is about to open, I look at the stack of papers on my lap that will close this one. Over the last three years, I’ve been writing Mia letters. I never intend to send them, they’re just for me. I knew I had to do something different because banging random chicks all the time wasn’t working.
Flipping through the stack, a few of them catch my attention.
Mia,
I fucking hate you. You and Pete deserve each other.
Blake
Mia,
It must be because Pete has money, right? It proves what I knew all along; I wasn’t going to be good enough for you. Seeing the two of you killed me. Fucking destroyed me. What’s worse is you looked happy. How can a guy like that make you happy?
Blake
Mia,
This isn’t working. The girls don’t take away the pain. I wish they could, but they can’t. I’m able to lose myself briefly in the escape the mix of alcohol and their willingness provides, but the harsh truth crashes on me before they even leave. I don’t know what to do. How do I move on and forget the biggest regret of my life?
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