by Lisa De Jong
And for a moment...
A tiny fraction of time…
I wish I were staring at aqua blue eyes instead of brown.
After I’m done with my shower, Ben jumps in to get ready for work.
When I hear the water running, and an unsuspecting Ben humming a familiar melody, I sit on my bed as stray droplets of water wet my back, the edge of the towel, and my comforter. I grab my phone and make the biggest mistake of my life.
My hands are shaking, and I feel sick to my stomach because of nerves, but I do it anyway.
I text him.
C: I miss you.
****
Ben and I are driving home from work when I hear my phone ringing. I pick up without looking at the caller I.D.
“Is this Catherine?” an annoyed woman asks.
“Hi, yes. This is she. May I ask who’s calling?”
“My name is Sali. We don’t know each other, but I’m friends with Arsen. Listen, I don’t know what’s the deal between the two of you. I mean, it’s not like you’re famous or anything, but he’s been drinking for almost four days straight. My boyfriend, Alec, has kept him company for the duration of his freaking drinking binge, and I’m done. I want my boyfriend back. Besides I can’t stand watching Arsen drink himself to oblivion.”
Stunned by her words, I swallow hard before responding. “Okay. And what does this have to do with me?” Feeling Ben grab my hand, I turn to look at his profile in the darkness and watch him drive.
“Uh, everything or nothing. One never knows with Arsen. All I know is that he hasn’t shut up about you. He’s in really bad shape tonight and I was wondering if you could come here and talk some sense into him. Maybe get him to go home and sleep the alcohol off. He’s not well.”
I clutch my cellphone tighter in my hand. “Okay. I’m with my husband. So it’ll be the two of us. Tell me the address and we’ll be there.”
“Uh, you’re married? I can’t believe this.” My answer seems to stun her, but only momentarily. “Whatever. Not my problem. Just get here as soon as possible, please. My boyfriend’s band, MOMO, is about to start playing, and I don’t want to witness another one of Arsen’s drunk performances.”
I end the phone call after she gives me the address. My insides are churning with anxiety.
I’m going to see him again.
“Ben, um, that was a girl named Sali. She’s friends with Arsen.”
When he glances my way, our eyes locking for a nanosecond, his expression turns guarded. “Why was she calling you? What does she want with you? Did that boy make her call you?” His voice is accusatory.
Bothered by his harsh tone and the way he refers to Arsen, I snap back at him as I let go of his hand. “He is not a boy, Ben. He is twenty-four years old. And he doesn’t know she called me.”
I cross my arms then turn in my seat to look at him. “Apparently he’s very drunk, and she needs me to go talk to him. Maybe get him to leave with us.”
Ben frowns. “No way. You aren’t his mother.” The word mother makes me flinch.
“We are not going. I won’t do it, Cathy. Let his friends take care of him. He’s nothing to you but a past employee.”
The light changes to red, making us stop. Frustrated and hurt by his words, I don’t want to look at him anymore, so I gaze out the window. I’m considering getting out of the car to flag a cab and go see Arsen by myself, when I feel Ben’s cool fingers wrap around my chin, turning my face so that we’re eye to eye. Ready to shake my chin to get out of his hold, his countenance paralyzes me.
Love.
I see love.
I feel love.
A love that makes his eyes burn as fiercely, and as brightly, as a wildfire.
Guilt placates me.
Guilt paints my skin red.
Placated, I try to explain to Ben why I need to do this for Arsen, and maybe at the same time I try to explain it to myself. I grab his hand and let the words fly out of my mouth before the light turns green and I lose him.
“Ben. Please…Arsen is my friend. H-He made me laugh and kept me entertained at work, and he, um, was there for me when I needed someone to talk to about the pregnancy.”
Yes, that sounds true enough.
“What about your pregnancy? You haven’t mentioned anything to m—”
“Never mind, it was a one time thing,” I lie to him, “But that’s not the point. The point is that he’s my friend and apparently his friends think I can talk some sense into him. I don’t know why they seem to be under that illusion, but I have to at least try Ben. I have to.”
He stares at me intensely, appearing to consider his answer. After a small pause, he lets go of my chin and wraps his fingers on the steering wheel. He’s clutching it so tightly you can see the veins in his hands pop. Nodding once, his voice is filled with calm wrath, “Fine. But, Cathy, this will be the first and last time. I don’t like it, and I’m sure you wouldn’t like it either if I had to go get a woman you barely knew randomly. I’m going to let it slide because, well, I don’t have a choice, and because you say he’s your friend. And that’s the only reason why we’re going.”
He turns to look at me one last time as the light turns green. “Because he’s your friend. That’s all.”
I softly murmur back, “Yes, my friend.”
The words tighten my chest.
****
After driving for fifteen minutes, trying to find a parking spot on a Friday night in Manhattan, Ben drops me off at the entrance of the bar. He tells me to go in first while he goes in search of a garage.
Once I wave Ben goodbye from the street, I turn on my feet until I’m met with the ratty and dilapidated front façade of what I think is the bar. Glancing to my left and right, I search for something nicer looking, but with everything closed, this seems to be the right place.
Talk about a dive bar.
I never expected to find spoiled, attention seeking Arsen in a place like this. When I cross the threshold to the shabby locale, I’m greeted with the smell of stale beer and cigarette smoke. Distaste making my nose scrunch up and eyes squint momentarily. Once I get used to the surroundings I browse the bar, looking for the familiar head of golden blond hair I’ve missed so much. Not finding him anywhere, my eyes land on a stick thin tan black haired beauty. Her big brown eyes are taking me in as she leans over a tall, good looking guy and whispers in his ear, nodding my way. When he turns around, I notice the tattoos covering his arms and neck. He grasps the girl by the hand and walk towards me, only stopping when they’re standing a foot away from me.
Wow.
The guy standing in front of me is beautiful in a Euro-Asian kind of way. His body is lanky but well defined, his eyes are sky light blue and his jet black hair makes the white milkiness of his skin stand out. The girl is just as gorgeous. Petite and thin, her big brown eyes make me think of warmth.
“You must be Catherine. I think you got here a little too late. Now we must sit through another one of his drunken performances. But as soon as he’s done, please get Arsen the fuck out of here. The man is going to have tabloids hunting the place down, and people are going to lose their shit. We hate notoriety,” he says in a sexy raspy voice.
“Hi. Yes, I’m Cathy. And you are?”
“You’re such an asshole sometimes, Alec. Move over, baby.” Pushing him to the side, the petite girl takes my hand in hers. “You’re as pretty as I imagined, but older. Anyway, hi, I’m Sali. It was me who called you before. And this is Alec, my boyfriend. His band is playing tonight and, well, Arsen decided he wants to be a fucking rock star and play with them. I wanted you to get here before he went on stage and made a fool of himself in front of all those people, but it’s too late. As you can see, he’s about to perform.”
When she moves her small frame out of the way, my eyes land on the stage where there’s a man sitting on a wooden stool behind the microphone. He’s staring down at the floor, seemingly lost in thought.
Heart beating wildly.
Dry mouth.
Palms sweating.
The fog that wrapped itself around me like an anesthetic cocoon in the past week begins to slowly dissipate as I drink in his ravaged beauty with eyes so thirsty they feel dry. His cheeks appear sunken and hollow, it looks like he has lost weight, and his clothes, usually so pristine, look worn and dirty.
Arsen.
Finally.
When a stranger shouts something at him, Arsen lifts his face, but his gaze doesn’t land on the audience. It lands on me. My heart seizes to beat when our eyes first connect, but his blue gaze is like a defibrillator to my chest, sending warm electric shocks bringing me back to life.
Empty eyes explore and study me closely as a potent shiver travels down my spine, leaving me cold in its wake. I watch Arsen close his eyes as he lifts a shaky palm to push some of his blond hair off his face, highlighting the contours of his perfect arms and chest. After a moment of respite, he shakes his head once and lifts his eyes to stare at the audience, avoiding looking in my direction.
Completely ignoring me.
I feel an intense pain in the back of my throat, making it hard to swallow as I watch him stand up, walk to the edge of the stage, and lean over the crowd to say something to a group of girls standing closest to him. Giggling, they nudge each other until one of them, the one wearing the shortest skirt, shimmies out of her thong and hands it to him. His eyes empty, he smiles charmingly and puts the disgusting item in the front pocket of his shirt. Once he’s done flirting, or whatever you want to call it, Arsen makes his way back to the stool and sits down. When a young guy with a guitar approaches him, Arsen turns his back to the audience, the girls forgotten, and begins to talk to him.
Feeling a small hand wrap around my upper arm, I tear my gaze away from the stage to stare at Sali who’s currently scrutinizing me with her big pretty brown eyes.
“Don’t mind that. He’s just fucking with everyone. On a good note, he doesn’t look as drunk as before, but I’m still afraid he’s going to make a fool of himself. When he’s done with the song, Alec is going to get him off the stage, and that’s your opportunity to make him leave with you. Oh wait! Where is your husband? Did he go home because that would be totally cool. Maybe you could drive Alec’s Porsche?”
I get the feeling that Sali doesn’t want Ben here.
“Yes. Ben, my husband, is here with me. Well, he should be here any moment now. We couldn’t find a parking spot.”
“Oh. Well, never mind. Just get him out of here, ‘kay?”
“Babe, I gotta go to the stage. I don’t know what Arsen wants to do, but I gotta be there. You cool?”
After a quick peck on the lips, Sali tells Alec to go and kill it, and to make sure Arsen doesn’t make the biggest mistake of his life. I don’t understand why singing a song would be such a terrible thing. As a matter of fact, it makes me feel proud of him.
“Um, Is Arsen any good?” I hate how shaky my voice sounds.
“Fuck, yeah! He’s awesome! Alec has been trying to get him to join the band, but he won’t do it. I personally think he doesn’t want to deal with the fame. I mean, look at the guy! He’s popular enough without being in a band.”
“Is Momo popular?”
“They do okay.” She smiles at me, pride shining through her eyes. “Anyway, look! They’re starting. Let’s hope Arsen is able to sing after the alcohol binge he’s been on since last Thursday night.”
I steal a glance in his direction and see him talking to Alec as his hand covers the microphone. Alec seems to be trying to talk some sense into Arsen who is shaking his head mulishly at him, then Alec throws his hands in the air and walks away from Arsen, leaving him all alone. A smile so cruel it could be a sneer crosses his lips as he stares at his feet. When he lifts his eyes to look at the audience, I feel the small hairs lift on the back of my neck.
Slurring his words a little, I hear the voice I thought I would never hear again and it makes me happy.
So happy.
“I’m not going to introduce myself because there’s no fucking point. According to my father I’m a fucking nobody, and it’s cool.” He runs his hand through his hair and lets it settle on his nape. “I agree with him. Anyway, my friend Alec, who likes to pretend he’s a struggling musician when he could probably buy a damn record label himself, has allowed me to grace you all with my shitty and worthless talent. Hope you enjoy it. Oh, yeah, I forgot. I dedicate this song to a friend of mine.”
Oh no. Don’t.
Arsen laughs into the microphone at his own private joke, but his next words destroy me. “You see, she’s this pretty little thing. Fucking beautiful, really. And she has dimples, the prettiest fucking dimples you’ve ever seen. But she’s married, loves her man, and that doesn’t work for me because I want her. Really fucking bad.” The crowd goes crazy with his words, but I can’t hear anything.
I’m deaf to the loud sounds around me.
His words are all I can hear.
All I want to hear.
In a few sentences, he has shattered all my foolish illusions that we were friends, just friends. He has spoken the final truth that I cannot deny anymore.
And it hurts.
It hurts so much because I did this. I allowed it to happen.
“Anyway, this is for her.” As the words leave his mouth, he lifts his gaze from the audience until it lands on me.
When our eyes connect, we stare as if the world didn’t exist around us. As if it was only the two of us.
Fire and Ice.
Clutching myself tighter in my arms, I want to run and escape this room. I want to leave him behind, but I can’t. My feet are stuck to my spot on the dirty and wet floor, watching him about to crash and burn, bringing me down with him.
Without breaking eye contact, he shatters my heart with his lyrics.
In the shadows of the other man, in the shadows of the other man.
In the shadows of the other man, I can hear your voice calling for me, calling for me.
Green-eyed beauty with a heart of steel, heart of steel.
Open your eyes, open your eyes and see me, see me.
Witch, you hypnotize me with your wicked ways and with your body of white chocolate temptation. Let me taste you before I rip my brains out, my brains out.
I wander aimlessly through the pages of my broken love story trying to find my way back to you.
In the shadows of the other man, in the shadows of the other man.
In the shadows of the other man, I can hear my soul crying out for you, crying out for you.
Soul catcher, soul stealer, give me back my soul. Without my soul, I am nothing, Without you I am nothing, I am nothing.
In the shadows of the other man, in the shadows of the other man.
In the shadows of the other man, I am nothing.
I am nothing.
I feel chills run over my body. I feel hot and cold…so cold. I’m shaking, and so hot my cheeks are burning. Arsen’s words are spinning in my head, making me dizzy.
I can’t.
I can’t do this.
Excusing myself, I try to walk calmly toward the washroom without breaking into a run. My steps shaky, I feel eyes on me. Everywhere. A nagging voice in my head tells me that I should worry about Ben. What if he saw the whole performance and connects the dots? But I can’t. I have to get out of here and deal with the consequences later.
I need to be alone.
Once in the restroom, I give up attempting to cool myself with a wet paper towel, and splash my face with water instead. It works a little, but I still feel my face burning. Lifting my eyes to the mirror, I panic at the emotions painted on my face. I look flushed, almost feverish, and my eyes are shining again, a euphoric sparkle that shouldn’t be there.
No, no, no, no.
But it’s true, right? I knew it all along. Selfish me wanted Arsen, so I labeled him a friend when we were anything but. His teasing, his smiles, his touch…
It was never the
same with anyone else. And I liked it.
No, I loved it.
I loved the attention he paid to me and the way he made me feel. Alive. Happy. He made me forget. Ignorance is bliss, right? Well, knowledge is misery. And the truth hurts.
Because it can’t ever be, it will never be.
Walking out of the bathroom, I don’t notice the people waiting to use the facilities. Therefore, I am taken by surprise when I feel a hand close around my upper arm, stopping me in my tracks. Before I have a chance to dislodge myself from his hold, he opens the men’s restroom, guides us in, and locks the door behind us.
Scared, because I don’t know what he has in his mind, I shout at him, “What the hell do you think you are doing? Let me out this moment.” As I try to push him away from the door, he grabs me by the shoulders and pins me against the door. I wince at the strength of his hold. I’m waiting for him to do something, anything.
But he doesn’t.
All he does is stare at me. He’s watching me with such thirst and hunger in his eyes.
How could I not have noticed this before?
Oh, you knew, you knew.
Heat pulsates in my core with each caress of his eyes on my face. Roaming my features, he stares at my mouth, my neck, my cheeks, my eyes…
Arsen leans forward as his cheek touches my temple and stays there. I can smell a mixture of beer and cigarettes on him, but I don’t care. It’s him. I smell underneath it all. Arsen. His skin on my skin.
Explosion.
Fire.
I am about to speak, when I feel the tip of his nose tracing the edge of my jaw. Slowly, Arsen moves down to my neck, his nose following the path of my collarbone. I need to do something. Get him to stop but I can’t, I am stunned. And if I’m honest with myself, I am relishing his touch.
I missed it.
When I feel his tongue replacing the tip of his nose as he continues to trace my neck, I can’t stop the moan that escapes my mouth. I’m lost in sensation when he stops. Out of nowhere he straightens his body and lets go of me. He moves to stand in front of me, huge and imposing. His breathing is hard and fast. I can see the bulge tenting the front of his pants, goading me, making me wonder what it would feel like if I touched him right now. If I unzipped his pants and grabbed his dick. Hard. I know he would like me to.