by Lisa De Jong
Suddenly feeling very cold, I pull the blanket up to my chin and turn to lie on my side. With sleep eluding me, I keep thinking about Hayes’ advice. To fight for Ben. For a short second, I wish I could.
I wish it with all my heart because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully let go of him.
Chapter 34
As I glance around the busy coffee shop, I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the smell of coffee grinds, baked goods, and nutmeg. When my eyes land on Amy, I can already tell she’s waiting for Nadia and my dad to step away so she can attack me with questions about my date with Hayes.
Oh, she’s going to be disappointed.
The moment they are gone to place our orders, Amy pulls her chair closer to mine and begins her sleuthing. “Quick, tell me before Nadia gets back with your dad. How was your date with Hayes last night? Did you kiss him? Please tell me you did because gosh, that man is drop-dead gorgeous and worth a fortune. Not that you care about that stuff,” Amy murmurs as she plays with a lock of red hair.
Chuckling, I pause as I let curiosity get the best of her.
“Oh my God, Cathy. You’re killing me here!” she exclaims.
“It went great. And no, we didn’t kiss. I hate to tell you, but apparently even Hayes agrees that I’m not rea—”
“Cathy? Catherine, is that you?” a man asks with wonder in his voice.
It’s him.
With my mouth open, I lift my gaze and stare at the man with the eyes I still dream about, watching me with an incredulous expression on his achingly beautiful face. I once read somewhere that it’s through eye contact that souls catch on fire.
Well, mine is burning to the ground.Heart racing.
Exploding euphoria.
I can’t breathe.
Oh, there go the dormant butterflies, awakened by one look.
“Hi,” I manage to say as I try to fight through an inability to think straight. I want to get up, take him in my arms, hug him, and kiss him for all the days, minutes, and seconds that he hasn’t been part of my life.
“Hi.”
He stands there, staring at me as if I am a ghost he can’t believe he’s seeing.
“Um, How h-have you been?” I stutter like a nervous child.
“Good. Could be better. Have been better,” he answers as he leans forward, closer to my chair.
I swallow hard as I try to smooth a nonexistent crease on my jeans. “Oh, t-that’s great!”
He clears his throat as he’s getting ready to speak when I hear Nadia calling for me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath because when I open them he’ll have seen her by then. And I’m not exactly sure what his reaction will be.
Shit.
“Momma! Momma! Momma!” Nadia calls for me. I look up and see my dad watching him with hatred in his eyes and then glancing my way as if asking me what to do next. I shake my head, letting him know not to let Nadia move closer to us. When my dad gets the hint, he takes her in his hand and walks over to the other side of the coffee shop.
Out of sight, I lift my gaze to meet Ben’s once more, but he’s not watching me for once. His vision follows the path of Nadia’s steps. Feeling not a tug but yank in my heart, I get lost in him. I absorb every new detail in his appearance. He’s still just as handsome as before, but now there’s a roughness in his look. He looks wiser.
Still watching him and trying to absorb his face in my memory since I don’t know when I’ll see him again, if ever, his question brings me back to reality.
“I-Is that your daughter?” he stammers.
“Yes.” I avoid looking at him when I answer him. Instead, I study my coffee cup.
“How old is she?”
I notice that the more he speaks the huskier his voice grows.
“Three and a half.” I finally raise my eyes and meet his cloudy ones.
“Oh.” He seems to be doing the math in his head.
I hear someone coughing.
Amy. I forgot she was here with me. Glancing her way, Amy stares at me with bulging eyes, and nods in someone’s direction.
“Ben, baby, are you ready?” A very feminine, young, and raspy sexy voice asks.
I turn to look at the much younger and drop dead gorgeous woman as she wraps her slim arm around Ben’s waist. Flinching at the familiarity in her touch of Ben’s body, I take her in. She looks familiar.
Oh.
That would be because she’s Kerry, the intern.
The one he kissed.
The one he’s going to marry.
I can feel my barely healed heart slowly crack open again, the emotional stitches rupturing once more.
I don’t want to watch him with another woman, so I say a quick goodbye and leave. I don’t care that I’m leaving Amy, my dad…
Oh my God.
I must go back. I need to get Nadia. I need to hold her in my arms so she can shield me from the tsunami of pain and memories threatening to sweep me away.
****
After tossing and turning in bed for what feels like hours, I look at the clock and realize it’s already 3:00 a.m. I groan, cover my head with a pillow, and close my eyes, willing sleep to take me.
But it’s not working.
As I hear the fast thumping of my heart, I can still remember the coffee shop incident vividly.
I’m not sure whether I want to cry, or scream, or just disappear.
I want to really have a meltdown, not wake up tomorrow and wallow in sadness. But I know I can’t. So as much as I would like to just not care and let gloom wrap itself around me, I know I can’t.
Shit.
Ugh.
After a while, I give up the fight against insomnia. I need a glass of wine. Yes, that’s exactly what I need. I get up and make my way to the kitchen. I’m grabbing the bottle of red when I hear a knock on my door.
Glancing at the clock above the fridge, I take in the time.
Who could that be?
Afraid that it’s a neighbor with an emergency, I put on an old sweatshirt that I use around the house and head towards the door.
“Yes?” I ask the stranger.
“Cathy. It’s me. Open the door.”
“Ben?” After swallowing hard, I ask without opening the door, “What are you doing here?”
I look at the clock once more. It’s 3:36 a.m.
“Cathy, please. Open the door,” he pleads.
One moment I’m opening the door, and the next Ben’s arms are holding me in a choking embrace.
Not knowing what to do. I don’t move. I feel scared to move. Maybe I’m dreaming that he’s here. If that’s the case, I don’t want to wake up. I want to get lost in this bittersweet dream. I want to get lost in the feel of his body against mine. Oh, how I’ve missed him. His touch. His smell. The way my body instantly recognizes its missing half. Inhaling his essence, I close my eyes and let myself dream a little more.
Yes.
This must be a dream.
“Cathy, Cathy, Cathy,” he murmurs gruffly in my ear.
“Hmmmm?” I didn’t know dreams talked back.
“Cathy, answer me. Is s-she his?” His voice breaks.
Oh, no.
This is not a dream.
Slowly I open my eyes as I drown in an ocean of maple brown. How beautiful they are. How sad they are. His hazy eyes look red and swollen.
“Answer me, Cathy. Please, I need to know. Is she his?” He asks.
“Oh, Ben. Does it matter?”
I watch as he tightens his jaw and fists his hands. “It matters to me. Is she?”
I look away from him and stare at the floor. “I don’t know. I don’t know if she’s yours or Arsen’s. I-I had been...” Shame makes my face burn and robs me of words to finish my sentence.
“Yes, I know. You were fucking us both.”
Wincing at his cruelty, I carefully move out of his warm hold. I take a few steps back until we are standing in front each other. So close, yet so far. My body immediately aches for his touc
h…I ache for him. I wrap my arms around my stomach, clutching myself as if trying to ward off my body from further hurt.
“Ben, what do you want me to say? I’ve told you. I’m sorry.” I rub my arms and meet his stare. “I don’t know who the father is, and it doesn’t matter. It won’t change how much I love her.” I fight through the pain I feel in the back of my throat, my stomach, my heart, everywhere. “Because she is mine. Not yours, not his. She’s mine. She’s all I have left of either of you, and I l-love her no matter who—”
“No matter who the father is,” Ben finishes the sentence for me. “Why didn’t you tell me about her? I would have helped.”
“I tried telling you that day when I asked you to meet me at the coffee shop.”
I watch him wince with the recollection of that day.
An hour goes by as we sit on the floor in silence.
Sometimes we stare at each other.
Sometimes we stare at nothing at all.
I play with my nails. Ben pulls his hair.
I clutch at myself. Ben rocks back and forth on his place by the door.
My hands shake. His closed fists beat the floor.
Time seems to be seeping away from us. I want to move and sit next to him and let myself enjoy his proximity and whatever time we have left together, but I don’t. Instead, I watch as his hands clasp his hair. It’s much longer than the last time I saw him. It reminds me of how he looked when we first met. Wild dark curls.
Looking at the clock, I realize it’s almost five in the morning. He needs to go before Nadia wakes up. I don’t want him to, but I don’t want Nadia waking up to a stranger in the apartment.
A stranger who may be her father.
Oh, the irony.
“Ben, what do you want? How did you know where I live?” I ask, rubbing my arms.
“I’ve always known about this place.”
“Oh.”
Ben remains silent and stares at the floor for another long period of time.
“I-I think you should leave. It’s almost five in the morning. Nadia will be waking up soon and—”
“You don’t want me to be here. Is that it? “ The confident lilt I remember in his voice is gone.
“No. Yes. I just think you should go. I don’t want Nadia to wonder what you’re doing here. Go back to Kerry.”
I hear Ben chuckle as he reclines his head against the wall and stares at me. “Kerry and I are over.”
When the meaning of what he just said sinks in my head, I feel my eyes bulging. “I beg your pardon? B-but I thought your wedding was—”
Flushing, I stop talking. I don’t want him to know that I’ve been keeping track of his life.
“No. We were. I ended it before I came here.”
“What? Why?”
“Because it’s not fair to her. I saw you and I fucking knew.” Ben mutters something unintelligible to himself as hope grows in my chest.
Could it be?
“I couldn’t do it to her. She’s my best friend. I couldn’t betray the one woman who helped me to heal after you screwed me over. The one who made me realize that fucking other women was not going to make it hurt any less.”
His words hurt.
So much.
I bring my legs to my chest and wrap them in my arms, wanting to shut out his words, forbidding them to make their way into my heart.
“After you left…I tried fucking Kerry, but I guess once she realized how hurt I was…I don’t know. She wasn’t interested. Instead, she took it upon herself to try and help me get over you, but at first I didn’t listen to her...so I fucked.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I don’t know...but I’ve tried so hard, Cathy. I can’t. Every pair of green eyes I see is yours. Every dimpled smile...every time I fucked someone and closed my eyes after...it was you I saw. It was your hands that pulled my hair. It was your kisses I felt. It was your mouth I wanted. Your taste on my lips every time I...do you know how sick I felt whenever I fucked a woman and wished it were you the entire fucking time?”
Ben starts to laugh like a crazy man. “It was you. It’s still you, and it’s driving me fucking insane! I can’t. I need to let you go. I need to be able to breathe again without feeling as if I’m choking every time I see something that reminds me of you. I need to stop feeling such disarming pain in my chest when I remember what we had. I just want to be able to move on. But I can’t. I can’t.”
With tears in my eyes, each word he mutters robs me a little bit more of breath, robbing me of life. “But K-Kerry? Don’t you love her?”
“Can’t say that I don’t.”
“I-I think you love her. She’s very lucky. A-and I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“You know why I ended things with Kerry? She helped me forgive you. She helped me to see that not all women were backstabbing bitches. She told me she loved me, and I believe that I loved her back, but not in the way she wants. She was willing to give me a chance, though. And I thought we were doing great. I love her, I do, but I-I think I made myself fall in love with her. I think deep down both of us knew that it wasn’t real.”
He focuses on my face. “I’ve had the real thing, and nothing can compare to it. Fuck. After I ran into you, Kerry and I went back to our apartment and we were together. When I had Kerry’s legs wrapped around me, and my dick deep inside her, I let my guard down and said your name, Cathy. I fucking came thinking about you. You. The woman who didn’t want me. Who—”
“Enough. I can’t. I can’t hear this anymore, Ben.” I feel like I can’t breathe. “I can’t. Please leave,” I beg urgently.
“Why? Why can’t you, huh? It hurts, doesn’t it? It hurts so damn much. The truth hurts.”
“Yes. Please, Ben, leave. It hurts so much. Are you happy now?” I can’t see his face through my tears anymore.
“No. I’m not happy. I fucking regret walking in that coffee shop this morning. I’ve regretted it ever since I laid my fucking eyes on you again.”
I clutch my legs tighter in my arms as I wipe my tears on my knee.
“Momma?” I hear Nadia’s groggy voice. The sweet melody snaps me out of the living hell I’m in. Untangling myself from my arms, I get up. My voice choked in tears, I leave without looking at him and go to Nadia’s room. “Please go. I need to put her back to sleep. I’m sorry, Ben. Have a good life,” I speak to the air.
Inside Nadia’s room, I get in bed with her and wrap her in my arms as close as possible. I’m very cold, and I hope she can warm me with her tiny body.
“Momma, why are you crying?” she asks sleepily.
“Shhh, Nadia, shhh. Mommy loves you, shhh.” I can’t hide my tears from her, so I lose myself in sorrow. I cry in my baby’s arms. I cry until there are no more tears inside me. After some time, I hear her lightly snoring.
When I realize I have to lock the door after Ben, I stall for time. I don’t want to leave her just yet. She’s my safe haven.
As I hear an alien sound in the room, I glance at the door and see him watching us with tears rolling down his face.
“Cathy...” he whispers roughly, “Damn it, Cathy.”
I shake my head when I see him taking a step into Nadia’s room. I let go of her, get off the bed, and make my way to where he’s standing. Grabbing his forearm in my hand, I make him follow me to the living room.
We stand in the middle of the room, surrounded by new memories I’ve created since our marriage ended. A life without him. Ben and I continue to stare at each other with tears streaming down our faces in total silence. With my heart ramming against the walls of my chest, I watch as Ben struggles to contain the trembling of his limbs.
I remember Hayes words.
Fight for him.
I take the biggest gamble of my life because at this point there’s nothing else to lose and everything to gain. I wrap my arms around his large body, pushing myself closer to him until there is no space left between us. I hope my love can be enough whe
n I utter the next words.
“Ben…I know I don’t deserve you, but can we do it all again? I mean, try again?”
“I don’t know, Cathy. I don’t fucking know.”
“If you can forgive me, if you have it in you to give me a second chance, I will give you every part of me. Every kiss…every tear…every smile. I’m yours. Always have. Always will. I promise you that I won’t ever take you for granted. I promise you that not a day will go by when I won’t do my best to make you as happy as you deserve. I love you. Only you. Please, Ben. Forgive me.”
I pause and swallow my tears. “I know we both have changed, a-and that sometimes love is not enough to make things work. Too much has happened between us…but I have hope. I’m not asking you to marry me, or to even date me. I’m just asking you for the chance to let me back in your life. With Nadia. Let us back, let me love you. Let me earn your trust again. Let me show you how much I love you, even after all this time.” I grab him by the back of his neck, pull him down, and kiss him with my whole soul, my whole heart, my everything. And I kiss for every year, month, week, day, hour, and second without him in my life.
With the kiss coming to an end, I make him look at me and whisper fiercely against his lips, “Miracles are the consequences of daring to believe. And I dare you to believe in us again, Ben. I dare you to.”
But when he doesn’t respond, I have my answer even before he lets go of my waist and pushes me away.
“I’m sorry, Cathy. I can’t do it. I shouldn’t have come here, but I needed to know, and…fuck.” He rubs his hands on his face, wiping some of his tears away. “I forgave you a long time ago, I did, but I don’t think I can ever forget what you did to us. The pain is still fucking there. It’s too late.”
I can’t move.
I can’t breathe.
All I can do is stand there and listen to him telling me what I’ve known all along. That I destroyed us beyond repair, even if I dared myself to hope briefly.
Ben lifts a hand almost as if he wants to touch me again, but changes his mind because he puts his hands in his pockets instead.
“I should go…”
Not being able to answer him, all I can do is nod and watch him turn around and make his way through my living room to the front door, walking away from my life forever.