by Lisa De Jong
“Asher, I don’t—”
“Please, just help me forget for a little while,” he pleads, moving his face closer to mine. I used to play house all the time when I was younger, but this is different. Whatever we envision can never be. But if this is what he needs right now, I’ll give it to him. I’ll walk over burning coals to feel his heart beat against my palm for the rest of my life.
Unless there’s a miracle on the horizon, all I’m going to have five years from now is the memory of our game of pretend. I’ll have memories of the one Christmas we shared. There will always be the trip to the zoo, the time we went fishing, the night we sat next to the fire and the first time we made love, but I won’t get to relive them . . . not with Asher.
“Okay.” I bite my lip and let myself be carried away in the dream. “I think we’d be living somewhere far from here. I know you’d get tired of this place after a while, and I’m only here because I’m scared to start over. I’m not sure where we’d go, though. Where would you want to live?” I ask, trying to get lost in the moment.
“Hmmm,” he says, glancing toward the ceiling. “I’ve always wanted to live in Colorado. We could hike, fish, and go rafting. Maybe we could get a small house in one of the small mountain communities. It would be like Carrington, but with so much more to do.”
I lay my head on his shoulder, resting my hand over his heart. “That sounds nice. What would you be doing?”
“Well, besides reminding my girl every day that she’s the most beautiful, person in the world, I would probably finish my engineering degree and get a job in the field. What about you?” he asks, resting his arm on my shoulders.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Maybe I’d go to law school, or I’ve even thought it would be nice to own a little coffee shop somewhere. Your little Colorado town sounds like the perfect place,” I continue, gripping the front of his t-shirt in my hand. Pretending isn’t as easy as I thought, but at least I can see a future now. I didn’t care about tomorrow much less five years from now . . . until I met Asher.
“How about ten years?” he asks, running his fingers up and down my arm.
“I’ve thought about having kids, but I’m not sure yet. It’s too early to tell. I know I’d at least have a dog.”
“I want kids. I didn’t really have my dad growing up, so I want to be that for someone,” he says softly. My stomach twists itself up into a knot. There are so many things that people take for granted that the beautiful man in front of me will never get to do . . . simple things that everyone should get the chance to experience.
“I just want to be happy. It doesn’t matter if it’s just you and me, or if we have five kids. I want to feel at peace with where I am,” I reply. My eyes start to well up with tears as I picture Asher and me sitting on our front porch, drinking coffee while we watch our kids play. That vision, when done with a man like Asher, is every girl’s dream.
He pulls back and cups my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his. “I need you to promise me something.” I nod, choking back tears before he continues. “When I’m gone, I need you to move on. Just because I won’t be here—” he stops, squeezing his eyes shut and choking back the hurricane of emotion that he wears all over his face. “I need to know that you can do these things without me. You can’t let your life end when mine does,” he says, his voice cracking a little more with every word.
“Asher—”
He covers my mouth with his finger. “I need to know that you’ll do everything you just told me you wanted to do and more. And, I don’t want you to do it for me. I need you to do it for you.”
Right now, I can’t even think about loving another man in this way. How can I find someone better when I’ve already had the best? Knowing that Asher is sick, and that I can’t save him when he needs me the most is eating me up inside. It’s coursing through my body like acid. Who is going to want me when I feel so broken and damaged?
I’m getting the chance at a future, and I can’t let it be wasted. Not when Asher is struggling for every passing minute.
“I promise,” I whisper.
“There’s one more thing I’d make sure to be doing five or ten years from now. I’d slowly make love to you every single night and after I was done, I’d hold you until you drifted to sleep. And when the sun came up, I’d make sure to do it all over again because that’s what a girl like you deserves . . . a man who adores you. All of you.”
“I’d never want you to stop making love to me,” I whisper, choking back my tears.
“I would do this first.” He leans over me, kissing down the side of my neck. Familiar chills race down my back whenever he touches me there. Wrapping my hand around the back of his head, I let his long, soft hair fall between my fingers.
He pulls back, touching his warm lips to mine and lightly running his tongue across the light arch. “But I’d always come back to these,” he says against my lips.
I never ever want to let him go. If I could, I’d freeze this moment with his body close to mine, lips brushing against each other like silk and the sexy tone of his voice playing in my ears. This is exactly what I’d put in my memory box.
“I need to be close to you,” he growls, kissing the tip of my nose. “I’m going to make love to you.” My voice won’t let me respond as he rolls me onto my back and rests his body on top of mine. Not long ago this position would have scared me straight out of this room, but when Asher does it, I crave it. He has a way of touching me that eases away the trepidation, filling my body with passion instead. I arch my back, allowing him to pull my t-shirt up to expose my stomach. He inches his hand from my hipbone to my breasts, then follows close behind it with his mouth.
We haven’t done anything like this since the morning at the lake house. Asher’s been too weak, and even though I’d do anything to have that with him again, I didn’t want to push him. I’ve been holding onto that one night, and being able to recreate it would mean everything, but knowing this could be the last time hurts my heart.
“Come here . . . these clothes are in my way,” he says, pulling me up by my arms and lifting my shirt over my head, quickly unclasping my bra. He runs his palms over my nipples, causing my breathing to quicken. I had resigned to the fact that I’d never feel him inside of me again, but it’s about to happen, and I couldn’t be more eager. Cupping my face in his hands, he kisses me like I’ve never been kissed. He starts gentle, and then his lips press harder into mine, almost like he can’t get close enough. The contact is warm before it smolders but he gradually slows it down, kissing the corners of my mouth. It’s loving, passionate, and intense . . . it’s everything a kiss should be.
It’s everything Asher is.
I’ll always remember the look on his face when his eyes meet mine. There is just enough light in the room to give me a glimpse into what he’s feeling, and all the emotions he’s experiencing melt into my heart. Seeing him suffer—the person who I owe everything to—is worst type of pain I’ve ever experienced. He’s drowning, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to save him.
“You’re so fucking perfect. Don’t let anyone make you feel like anything less,” he whispers, pressing his lips to the tip of my chin. His hands cup my backside, leaving not a single inch between our bodies as his mouth skims my throat. I want to feel him moving inside me, but I need this too. I want to feel him everywhere.
He slips his fingers into the waistband of my pants and slides them down my legs without removing his mouth from my skin. His clothes soon follow, leaving nothing between us. I wrap my legs tight around his waist and grip his hair in my hands as his tongue traces my left nipple then my right, sending a warm tingle to my core and proving once again that Asher is my sun.
When I feel him at my entrance, I close my eyes, waiting for that one moment when the fireworks explode and my body lights up. I feel his warm hand cradle my cheek as his thumb caresses my lips. “Look at me, Kate,” he quietly demands.
I open my eyes and see the pain etched al
l over his face. I wish I had something magical to wash it all away. “Are you okay?” I ask, running my fingers across his strong jaw.
“No,” he whispers, leaning down to place a feather-like kiss to my lips. “I shouldn’t ever have to let you go.”
Tears form in my eyes making it harder to keep my focus on him. This is so incredibly unfair, I think as I try to swallow the pain at the back of my throat. “You don’t have to. No matter if we’re together or apart, I’m always with you. I’m alive because of you,” I cry, placing my palm to his chest.
“You don’t live because of me. You live because you let me love you. You made the choice to breathe all on your own . . . I just helped you find the strength to inhale.”
“What did you just say?” I ask, taking a calming breath.
“You don’t live because of me.”
“No, before that,” I say, wrapping my hands behind his neck.
“I love you,” he whispers. He slowly guides himself into me, never taking his eyes away from mine. “I was prepared to leave this Earth until I met you, and now I don’t want to be anywhere but here with you. I love you so damn much, Kate.”
“I love you too,” I whisper, feeling my heart clench tightly in my chest.
He pulls out slowly before gliding into me again. A marriage of emotions rips through my body as we move together. I feel like Asher is burning a never-ending scar inside of me, and my heart is spiraling into a deep, dark abyss. This is the single most beautiful, painful experience I’ve ever had.
Our bodies connect while he kisses along my jawline and runs his hands along the back of my thighs. He’s the only lover I’ve ever had and each one after will only be compared to him.
My fingers touch every part of him that can be reached. I memorize all of the ridges of his spine, the muscle definition in his arms, the stubble along his jaw, but they always end up tangled in his hair.
Whenever you lose someone you love, you have those lingering regrets. You wish you could hug them or kiss them or talk to them . . . I don’t want those regrets. I want to do everything with him tonight, no matter how much it hurts me inside because this may be my last chance.
The idea of no tomorrow only makes me grip his hair tighter, never wanting to let go.
“I love it when you do that.” His voice shakes, giving me a small window into what he’s feeling. He rests his hands along the top of my head and grazes my lips with his before raining kisses along my cheeks and nose. He doesn’t say much about what he’s going through, but it’s got to be tearing him into pieces. How could it not?
His motions slow as his forehead rests on mine. When his chest suddenly vibrates against my chest, and his warm tears fall on my face, it literally hurts to breathe. Maybe this is too much.
“Please don’t cry,” I beg, cradling his head in my hands. I feel like such a hypocrite because my own tears are now mixing with his.
“This just feels like goodbye, and I’m not ready. I’m not fucking ready,” he says, pinching his eyes closed. He’s still buried deep inside of me, but our bodies remain still.
I want to help him but I don’t know how.
I want to take his pain away, but I can’t.
“It’s not goodbye. This is what matters. Right here. Right now,” I reply, brushing my thumbs across the tears.
“I love you . . . I’m not ready . . . I’m not ready to be without you.”
His words are choking me so tight that it’s impossible to get oxygen into my lungs. Cancer is holding us both hostages.
“You’ll never be without me because you’ll always be right here,” I say, clutching my chest. “Always,” I say softly, pressing against his chest to roll him onto his back. I straddle his hips, slowly taking all of him inside me again.
“You’re here with me. Always. Whenever I close my eyes, all I see is you,” I whisper, pressing a light kiss to his eyelids.
“When my heart beats, it’s beating because of you. Even if you’re not touching me, I’ll feel you,” I cry, trailing kisses across his chest.
“But right now, we’re both here, in this bed,” I whisper. We’re touching, breathing and feeling. I want to stay here, in this moment, and pretend that nothing else matters because right now, when I feel him inside of me, nothing else does.
He nods, eyeing me carefully as I lift myself up slowly then slide back down, not taking a single second of this experience for granted. I repeat the motion several times as his hands circle my breasts. My eyes stare into his blues, neither of us blinking as the pressure builds in my core, lighting a smoldering fire inside of me.
I leave everything else behind, and focus solely on the life that’s in front of me. From the soft expression on his face, and the affectionate feel of his fingers along my stomach and thighs, I know he’s doing the same.
When my body reaches its peak right as Asher’s does, and it’s like I’m floating on the highest cloud. Nothing can reach me . . . nothing can reach us. But then the full impact of this moment hits me, my warm tears now dampening his chest.
“I’m so sorry.” He sits up, wrapping his arms around my waist.
“For what?”
“For letting you fall in love with me when I knew this would happen,” he mumbles, kissing the spot between my breasts.
I use my hands to pull his face up to mine. “I’ll never regret you.”
He kisses me gently, softly, sweetly . . . whispering my name over and over.
“You’re everything to me,” he whispers against my lips.
I wrap my arms around his neck, holding him like I’ll never have to let him go.
Chapter 22
Asher
When I was in high school and college, I thought I had all the time in the world. I didn’t care too much about what I did or who it would affect. I was being reckless until one bad decision changed everything.
After Megan died, I tried to move on, but I always felt like what happened to her was somehow my fault. And when the doctor announced that I had cancer, I tuned out everything he said after that. I was in shock.
Then it hit me.
Maybe I deserved this.
This was my punishment for not being there when my friend needed me. I’m the reason she’s not here anymore. And I had accepted that until I fell hard for Kate. I questioned myself every single time I walked into that diner, but something was pulling me toward her and I couldn’t fight it.
Now as I lie here holding her in my arms, I’m glad she’s with me, but pissed off she’s going to have to spend any part of her life without me . . . and soon. This isn’t going to be fair to her, but cancer is the one thing in my life I have no fucking control over.
“Are you awake?” Kate asks, resting her chin on my chest.
I run my hand up her back until I feel her soft hair between my fingers. “I’ve been up for a while. I was just about to take my meds.”
“Are you feeling okay? Do you need me to call the doctor?” she asks, shooting up to a sitting position.
“I’m okay,” I lie, carefully moving to sit up next to her.
“Are you sure? Do you want some water or anything?”
I nuzzle my nose against her cheek, moving down to kiss the delicate spot below her ear. “No, just stay here with me,” I whisper against her neck.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she says, leaning into me so that her hair falls against my shoulder. Continuing to kiss down her neck, I breathe in the sweet smell of her skin. I’d give anything to remember that smell . . . I never realized how much there is to love about a person until I met Kate.
I slowly brush the hair away from her shoulder to give myself access to her collarbone and shower her soft skin with more affection. The first time I saw her, I was drawn to the unique color of her hair and the way it contrasted with her eyes. Then after staring into those gorgeous emerald green eyes, I realized that there was something different about this girl. I had to know her, whether I was here for two more weeks or two years . .
. somehow I knew it would be worth it.
I lightly run my tongue along the center of her neck, stopping to kiss her chin and each corner of her lips. “I love you,” I whisper, finally capturing her lips.
A sharp pain suddenly rips through my body, causing me to lean forward and bury my head between my knees.
“Asher! Are you okay? Should I call someone?” Kate asks in a panic, putting her hand on my shoulder.
I shake my head, trying my best to speak through the overwhelmingly excruciating pain. “Just water . . . and a pain pill.”
“I’ll be right back,” she says, hurrying out of the room. The time I have left shouldn’t have to be overshadowed with all of this misery. I should be able to sit in bed with my girl and do the things that normal couples do.
But I can’t.
Cancer is a motherfucking bitch . . . and there’s no cure for the kind that’s growing inside me every day.
Why has my life finally become so perfect when all I have left is a date with my maker? Kate will be the last person I’ll ever kiss. She’ll be the last woman I’ll ever make love to . . . the only woman I’ll make love to. She gives me purpose in a world that I didn’t think had one for me. She gives me the chance at a life I never thought I would have, even if it has to end way before it should.
“Here you go,” she says softly as she enters the room again.
“Thanks.” I take two pills from her hands and pop them in my mouth. I follow it with a few sips of water and lay my head back on the pillow.
“Better?” she asks, lying beside me.
“It will be,” I reply honestly, splaying my hand on her stomach.
Sometimes my body hurts so bad that I just want to get all of this over with, but then I take one look into Kate’s eyes and I regain my will to live. I’d give anything to have forever with her.
Her forever . . . not mine.
“Do you need me to get you anything else?” she asks, placing her hesitant hand on my chest.
“I’m okay; let’s just stay right where we are.” Lying here with her feels good. Besides, I don’t have the energy to do anything else.