by Casey Crisp
Ryder’s laugh was infectious. “That’s not what I’m saying, I’m just being honest.”
“You took the magic out of it!” I complained half-heartedly.
“I hope I didn’t disappoint you,” he said, glancing over at me from the side of his sunglasses. “I think your team has a better chance at winning than mine does.”
“Are you saying that the girl’s team is better?”
Ryder’s head fell back against the leather, his smile widening in the rearview mirror. “I think you guys have a lethal combination with Aria Nicolai.”
“Don’t tell Beckett,” I said. “I think he has a sore spot when it comes to Aria.”
“I’ll keep it between us,” Ryder promised, and I felt my heart skip a beat at the way he seemed to address our simple banter as something entirely exclusive.
In reality, things had progressed comfortably between me and Ryder in our relationship. He was fine with giving me space when I asked for it, and he seemed to like the idea of taking things slow with an amiable pace. I appreciated his efforts, and I found myself enjoying his company more than I cared to admit aloud.
Ryder made me surprisingly comfortable, and he never pushed me to be anything more than myself. Unfortunately, there was always that horrible nagging voice at the back of my head whenever we were together, constantly reminding me of my first time and the humiliation of being ignored in the hallways. Even if I knew that Ryder was different, my mind and heart were on competing paths, and they struggled to come together.
Ryder was incredibly sweet and kind, and he always made me laugh, or eased me back into myself, when I started to grow uncomfortable around him. I also knew that he wasn’t trying to push me, but sometimes the things he said could be misunderstood, and it was all because someone had taken advantage of me in the past. How unfair was it that I still felt the lingering effects of his influence in the present?
I let out a weak exhale as we pulled into Ryder’s driveway. His house was a lot nicer than mine, but it wasn't nearly as impressive as Venir’s. However, I also liked it that way, a nice median that was comfortable, but it still evoked all the dream-like qualities of something more to covet.
Ryder’s room was on the second floor, secluded near the back of the house. He was an only child, so he often complained that he was bored by himself when his parents frequently worked late hours. However, I enjoyed being a distraction. Plus, Ryder made for a really great pillow when we decided to watch movies or television. I always made a big deal out of requesting his comfort, even as I trailed after Ryder into his room.
With one cursory glance, a person might quickly dismiss Ryder’s personal space as the stereotypical “boys” room with posters of basketball players lining the walls and a messy display of clothes strewn about on the floor. Likewise, his bed was pushed back into the corner so that he could have an equal view out of both windows, and his desk and dresser reminded me of the generic furniture displayed inside of an Ikea. Of course, most of his belongings were crowded inside a massive walk-in closet that mimicked a smaller microcosm of his bedroom.
Yet, this was just a brief survey. After spending so much time here, I had started to appreciate the smaller details, like the markings on his door frame that recorded the various measurements of his height throughout the years. I also admired the impressive stack of books buried under the sweatshirts next to his bed. Because Ryder read practically everything from historical fiction to simple autobiographies, and this surprised me when I had asked him about his favorite genres. He told me that he liked to read biographies because the inherent elements of realism fascinated him more than any fantasy world ever could.
“What movie would you like to watch?” Ryder asked, grabbing his laptop and bringing it over to the bed. “Anything you want to see?”
“Surprise me,” I said, a request that I found myself repeatedly asking of him as I slowly made my way through the detailed chapters that were starting to paint a full illustration of Ryder Ainsworth.
In the meantime, he leaned back against the headboard and opened his arms for me. I accepted the invitation to mold myself against him, resting my head comfortably against his chest. “I might work on my schedule for next semester,” he said quietly, and his breath was moist against my scalp.
I nodded. “I should be doing the same thing.” But I made no effort to reach for my discarded bag, and Ryder laughed at my laziness before returning to his own worksheet.
Instead, I focused my attention on the movie, lending my concentration to the cinematic action scenes of whatever drama that Ryder had randomly chosen. He often made random selections when he planned to work on something during our go-to film viewings. For example, if Ryder knew that he couldn’t pay attention, then he always picked something that he didn’t really care to see.
Of course, I also didn’t mind, and after his fingers started to strategically run through the long strands of my hair, I felt my eyelids open and close against the inherent comfort of his touch. “Prom is in a few weeks.”
I finally relented and closed my eyes. “Prom isn’t until after spring break.”
“It’s always good to be early, right?”
“Why? Do you have something extravagant planned?”
“I haven’t even properly asked you.”
I opened my eyes again and tilted my head to the side so that I could properly look at him. “What are you saying? Isn’t it a given since we’re dating?”
Ryder grinned. “I still want to ask.”
“Well, I’m waiting for my invitation,” I said. “Since you decided to make it a special occasion.”
Ryder’s head melted against the pillow as his eyes scanned across my face. “I’m not ready to ask.”
I gave him an unimpressed look. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ll have to be patient.”
“Then you shouldn’t have brought it up,” I said, returning my attention to his laptop screen.
“How do you feel about our exams?”
“Mostly confident.”
“That’s my girl.”
I laughed at his comment. “I’ve been studying most nights. It’s hard because I lose concentration after a while.”
“Do you want me to help you study?”
“You’ll be an even bigger distraction.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Ryder protested, digging his fingers into my sides and wrenching a rather loud shriek from my lungs. “I’d make a good tutor because I can make things interesting.”
I rolled my eyes at his tone. “I think I’ll stick to the silence of my bedroom.”
“If you insist,” he teased, urging me to settle back down against his chest, even though I was no longer focused on the movie. “I would’ve rewarded your correct answers.”
I pulled away from him, twisting to the side to avoid his hands. “Aren’t you supposed to be working on your schedule?”
“You could be doing the same thing,” he pointed out, and I immediately dispensed any further arguments. Instead, I relaxed against the mattress, adjusting my legs so that they were spread across his lap.
Meanwhile, Ryder had suddenly grown silent, his expression shifting as if suddenly recalling something that bothered him. “I meant to tell you earlier, but I didn’t know how to bring it up.”
“What is it?” I asked in concern because Ryder often liked to keep his problems to himself.
“I met someone yesterday,” he started. “He said that he knew you.”
“Really?”
“Do you know someone named Andrew?”
“Andrew,” I repeated, and I tried not to gasp as a consuming flash of fear forced my entire body to stiffen at the mention of his name. It felt like I was experiencing a painful form of déjà-vu, remembering something that still had so much power over me because of its destabilizing effect on my life. I shivered unconsciously, cowering into myself as I recalled the way that Andrew had disregarded me after so many instances of
shared affection. I barely stifled a groan, forgetting about Ryder sitting next to me because I was lost in my painful past.
“I thought it was him,” Ryder said, but his voice sounded oddly distant as if I was disconnected from the moment. I felt like a diminished version of myself who was completely suffering after the harsh realities of society had punished her without understanding the consequences. “I wasn’t sure,” Ryder continued, and I could only vaguely register his anger. “I should’ve kicked his fucking ass.”
He abruptly stood up from the bed, but I was still stuck inside a memory. “Rose,” he tried again, expecting some kind of response. But at my continued silence, his frown turned into a grimace. “I’ll find him, Rose, and I’ll beat the shit out of him for you.”
“No,” I finally managed, finding a voice amidst the oppressive counterparts vying for control inside my head. “Please, don’t do that. Let’s just forget about it.”
However, he had already seen the extent of the damage left behind by a boy who still exerted a tremendously profound influence over my existence, and that was a mistake I would soon come to regret.
Brynn
Alex looked good despite the telling bluish-colored bruises under his tired brown eyes. He wore tight black slacks, hands tucked into the pockets, and a slightly wrinkled button-down shirt. I watched as Alex leaned back against the side of his Mustang, and he looked like the bad boy antihero from a cliché drama. A true Noah Shaw or Ronan Lynch.
His head craned in interest at my approach, managing a smile that seemed to soften his exhausted appearance. “Brynn,” he greeted me, voice gentle as if offering a bigger opening to a different part of the person I had slowly started to glimpse. “Would you like to go on a drive?”
“I assume that this means you aren’t taking me home,” I said, stopping on the opposite side of the car because the distance between us was reassuring.
“I’d like to take you somewhere.”
I nodded my compliance. “Fine, but I don’t want to be home late.”
I opened the door to the Mustang, sliding into the passenger’s seat with relative ease. In fact, I was already fastening my seatbelt by the time Alex joined me, closing his door before messing with the key and ignition. He turned on the radio, adjusting the volume to an acceptable level before letting out a sigh.
Accordingly, the drive Alex promised was mostly silent, and the two of us were completely oblivious to the lingering tension. For me, it was because I was being stubborn, and I wanted Alex to apologize first. However, I couldn’t assume anything on Alex’s behalf, but based on the way he was driving, I knew that he was distracted by something. Regardless, it did no favors to his boyish looks, and it made him appear completely serious.
“I’m sorry, Brynn,” he finally said, gazing intently out the windshield. “If I know you, then an apology won’t be enough, but I’d like for it to be a start.”
I considered his first real attempt to make amends. You see, I had been nervous before every basketball game in which I was able to participate, and the few moments before tip-off were often the worst. Because I would lose myself in an unfamiliar headspace, and my pounding heart would start ringing in my ears like a simplified metronome while the people around me blurred in and out of focus. In actuality, I could only forget those nerves by focusing on something else, especially once the game began. However, in this moment with Alex, it would be wrong to focus on anything other than him.
“You’re right about the apology,” I said. “It might also seem like a strange way to preface one of my own.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” Alex insisted, but I was tired of being told the same thing.
“I’m sorry for how I acted after the night you took me out, and I’m sorry for straining your friendship with Chrystian.”
“Chrystian and I will be fine,” Alex said. “It might be hard for a while, but we’ve got a history together that won’t be so easily undone.”
I felt strangely relieved when I heard that. “I guess you couldn't really be the Student Council if nobody got along.”
Alex seemed to ponder my words. “Did you ever wonder why that name holds so much influence?”
“The Student Council?”
Alex nodded, propping his head against his hand. “What do you think?”
“I guess it’s something that everyone always talked about after you were elected. You guys have all the makings of being school celebrities: money, power and talent.”
“That’s one way to frame it,” Alex mused. “I always like to ask people because I usually
hear different answers, but never the right one.”
“I guess it’s complicated.”
“Well, it wasn’t something that we decided from the beginning, but remember how you said that being popular was the same as having wealth, power and talent? I think you’re right, and we learned that it was important to respect those expectations in order to help our own image. We had all those qualifications even without a name attached, but it’s like having a label made us official or something. The name brought respect, and we worked hard to maintain that respect because the other students never questioned our decisions. You and I both know that only the people at the top get all the advantages.”
I considered his words carefully, turning them over and over again inside my head, trying to put the correct hand together like it was a complicated game of cards. “That doesn’t sound very glamorous to me.”
“It's how we learned to survive.”
“To just survive?” I questioned. “Or to survive in luxury?”
“And what’s wrong with wanting luxury?” Alex threw the question at me before he arched one brow like he was trying to challenge my claim. “But we’re getting off topic. I wanted to talk to you about something, and it wasn’t supposed to concern my friends.”
“I think we have a lot to talk about,” I said. “Where are we going?”
“It’s a place I found when I was younger,” Alex explained. “It’s nice to come here when I can’t sleep.”
“You haven’t been sleeping?”
“Not recently.”
“That doesn’t sound very luxurious.”
Alex chuckled. “No, it isn’t, but I think it’s my punishment for everything that I’ve done.”
“What? Are you paying penance for your crimes?”
“I’m miserable, Brynn,” Alex admitted, and I grew quiet at his words.
In the meantime, another silence stretched between us like the never-ending miles that Alex’s sports car was accruing during our drive to this mysterious location. I tried to relax in my seat, but I was far too anxious about my impending conversation with Alex. Because it was still difficult to acknowledge all those unwanted feelings I had for him since he repeatedly denied my affections. My life would be so much easier if they simply disappeared! Of course, Alex wasn’t helping matters, telling me that he was suffering while also giving me hope that he was doing his best to open up to the girl he had once completely disregarded.
Eventually, Alex turned his car down an adjoining road, driving slowly along a rough driveway that led to an intimidating cliffside. An abrupt natural incline, spread out like the Heavens above, with a dark-colored fence surrounding the semi-circle of jutting rock that overlooked the surrounding cityscape. It was nothing short of glorious, and I savored the breathtaking sight of the awe-inspiring views of the mountains beyond. “It’s good, right?” Alex smirked. “Chrystian and I found this spot when we were in middle school. It wasn’t long after my first girlfriend ended things between us.”
“Why?” I asked, closing my eyes against a surge of wind that brought instinctual salty tears to the corner of my eyes.
“She told me that she couldn’t trust me.” Alex shrugged. “She said that I was too popular, which somehow meant that I would never want to settle down. It was a really stupid reason but middle school isn’t exactly the best place to fall in love.”
“That is a s
tupid reason,” I agreed, returning my gaze to Alex’s elegant form, surprised when I discovered that he was already looking at me.
“More stupid than using it as an excuse to break someone else’s heart?”
I returned my attention to the landscape. “I think it was just an excuse. The real reason was because you didn’t want to be with me.”
“You’re right,” Alex agreed. “But I don’t think it worked.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you ever wonder what kind of favor I expected of Aria? After she asked me and Beckett to question Ryder’s interests?”
The memory was distant, but I was still astonished when I realized how quickly I had initially dismissed the strange encounter. “Is there a reason?”
“I asked her to tell me everything that happened between you and Jonathan,” Alex said. “That’s actually how I knew that he cheated on you.”
“Oh,” was all I managed in return, struggling for the right words. “What else?”
“The whole thing was more of an excuse for myself because I was afraid of how I felt about you. I’m sure you already know this, but I’m not exactly the type of person who can open up to someone else. I still think that opening yourself up leaves the risk of exposure. It allows people to exploit your weaknesses and take away what you worked so hard to build.”
“You thought I would do that to you?”
“Aren’t I the worst kind of person to believe that?”
“You are,” I informed him bluntly, and he let out a ragged sigh, but a faint smile undercut his attempts at frustration.
“No, I didn’t always think it was right, and that’s why I was afraid. You forced my guard down and it scared me. So, I pushed you away, hoping to forget about everything, but I realized that I couldn’t.”
“And?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Alex as he took a stand next to me with a presence that was impossible to ignore. “I want to apologize for it.”
“What if I don’t accept your apology?”