My hands clenched in my lap when his eyes dropped down to my lips briefly, before rising back up to meet mine again.
"I don't care what people think," he muttered, his eyes searching mine. "What do you think?"
I couldn't think of anything useful in that moment.
Only what I wanted.
And couldn't have.
Chapter Fourteen
My heartbeat pounded in my ears. Somehow, this conversation had become about so much more than what I'd intended. I licked my lips, my hands curling into fists as the movement caught his attention.
"I think...you need to be careful," I finally responded, my slightly hoarse voice a dead giveaway for how much his proximity was affecting me. Not that there was really any hiding how I felt.
His eyes tracked back to my face and my breath caught. They were so filled with heat. His desire for me was so clear. Even if the pulse in the side of his neck hadn't been beating so hard. Or if he didn't have a white-knuckled grip on my chair.
I froze as he leaned in even farther.
Even closer.
Until all I could see was him. I couldn't stop the small tremble that went through me.
"What if I don't want to be careful?" he whispered. I breathed shallowly, feeling overwhelmed, surrounded by his body, his heat, his scent. His voice. "Careful means no change. Careful means nothing moves forward." He inched even closer. Until his lips brushed my lips with his next words. "And I want to move forward, Adara."
Just the sound of my name on his lips sent another shiver through me. It didn't escape his attention. And he didn't move slowly. He set his mouth against mine firmly.
The kiss was deep, all encompassing.
Necessary.
My hands came up to grip his forearms, the muscles hard and tight under my hands. I felt my nipples tighten, languid heat gather between my legs. How could a kiss affect me so much? Just that simple meeting of mouths?
I didn't know.
I had the vague thought this was an even worse time to do this than the last time. That Igna was right outside the door. Along with a countless number of staff and others who might want to come in here to speak to Sven.
But that thought stayed fuzzy, in the distance. Just out of reach where I could choose to ignore it.
And I did.
I sucked in a breath as I felt Sven's hands slide down and grip my pants, his fingers moving against the skin of my hips.
But I didn't stop him.
He tugged them down off my hips to my knees, breaking the kiss only when he dropped down onto his knees to pull them off the rest of the way, taking my underwear with them. He looked up at me, dark eyes glittering with lust as he gripped my hips and lifted me forward onto the chair, until my backside was right at the edge.
Not breaking the stare, he pushed my thighs apart. I swallowed, feeling even more exposed somehow because my top was still covered. That sense of exposure only added an edge that had me panting even harder. His hands smoothed up the inside of my thighs, his slightly rough touch on the sensitive skin absorbing all of my attention.
He didn't let go of my gaze with his.
Not even when he leaned forward and set his mouth right up against the juncture of my thighs, sealing his lips against me. I cried out, my hands coming down to grip his broad shoulders as he held my thighs apart for his sure tongue, his soft lips. I was the one who broke the eye contact, shutting my eyes as his tongue slipped against me, flicking and curling just right.
Everything fell away in that moment. All I could do was feel. Feel the way he gripped my thighs tightly, holding me still for him. Feel his lips and tongue as they pushed me ever higher. Feel his soft hair as it caressed my thighs, his face buried against me.
I knew I shouldn't have been doing this. Knew that I would regret it later. But I just couldn't care. It felt almost necessary, this hard break and reversal in the formality between us. Nothing else felt important, not with him doing what he was doing, not with both of us reduced to the primal parts of us.
"Sven!" I cried out as he started sucking on me, hard and fast, right up against my throbbing clit.
I looked down to meet his intense eyes, my body trying to get closer and move farther away as the sensations got too intense, too...
I moaned, my body arching in the chair, one of my hands rising to grip the back of Sven's head as the orgasm exploded through me, a harsh inescapable pleasure that tore me apart and put me back together slightly off-kilter. I felt changed on a fundamental level, like there was no coming back to that place of hard-fought distance. Not from this.
I heard my own gasping breath as the world slowly came back into focus. The slightly scratchy fabric of the chair underneath me. Sven's soft hair under my hand. The slight ache in my legs from being stretched in that position for too long.
Sven kissed the inside of my thigh softly, his hands gentle and careful as he let go of me. I opened my eyes as I felt fabric against my legs. He was pulling my pants back up my legs, grimacing slightly at the movement required.
When I glanced down at his long, thick erection, outlined faithfully and constrained by his pants, I could see why. My hands itched to touch it, to run my fingers up and down that hard length. But the orgasm had cleared my head too much to act on what I wanted.
I sat up, feeling almost out of touch with the world around me. I hadn't even taken off my shoes.
I stood up too quickly and Sven reached out to steady me as he got up more carefully, his eyes watching me intently.
He gripped my arms, his hold careful.
I looked up at him, knowing I was blushing.
I could feel the heat in my cheeks.
His eyes were soft as looked at me, his mouth reddened from what he'd just done to me.
From where he'd just been.
I swallowed as it sent another bolt of lust through me.
"Sven..." I trailed off, not even knowing myself how I wanted to end that beginning. And wasn't that the crux of the problem between us?
"Think about it, Adara," he murmured when I didn't finish. He let me go, taking a step back. "Just...think about it."
"I..." Didn't know how to finish that sentence either. So I turned away blindly, walking towards the door. How could I think about anything else when it felt as if the foundation of my life was in flux?
I didn't look back as I opened one of the doors to leave, just as a couple of the maids walked past. I saw one of them glance over at me, her eyebrow rising as she gave me a quick once-over, her eyes lighting up. She turned to her friend with a giggle.
When I looked over at Igna, he wouldn't meet my eyes.
Did they know?
Was it all in my head?
Or was what just happened written so clearly on my face?
I quickly smoothed my hair and hurried down the hall in the other direction, needing to be anywhere but there.
I needed to be alone, where I could regroup and figure out what I was going to do.
Chapter Fifteen
I spent another night tossing and turning and coming up with no firm decision on what to do. Whatever this was between the two of us, it didn't seem like it was going to just go away, no matter how inconvenient it was. But I just couldn't figure out a plan of action that let me have everything I wanted. No matter which way I looked at it, I had to choose.
Functioning on only a few hours of fitful sleep, I rolled out of bed the next morning and got ready for the day, because life kept moving even if I didn't want to.
Not that the lack of sleep had me any less alert. I was too wired with the thought of seeing Sven again for it to bring me down in that regard. I didn't know if I could call that a silver lining though. More like an anxiety-induced equivalent of an energy bar.
As ready as I'd ever be, I stepped out of the building and onto the narrow street next to it, smiling as I saw Berenn, one of my neighbors. But instead of smiling back, he looked away and turned the corner that led to the front entrance of the buildin
g.
No response.
Huh.
That was odd. He always greeted me with a smile and a wave. Maybe he was having a bad day.
Shrugging it off, I turned the corner as well, heading in the opposite direction, towards the platform. I had a lot to get done today.
I wasn't the only one trying to get an early start. The platform had a good amount of people waiting for the gondola when I got there. Though not the crazy amount during the protest, thank goodness. I was pretty sure that I would think of that day whenever I saw a crowd now.
I stopped along the edge of the group, thinking through how to the structure the day, which was what I usually used this time for. I was focused internally, so it took me a moment to realize something was...off. I had that neck-prickling feeling of being watched, enough so that I finally paid attention to it.
I glanced up to see a group of women looking over at me. They abruptly looked away when I caught their gaze, their whispered conversation coming to a halt. When I looked away, it was to see others looking away too, as soon as I met their eyes.
What was going on?
Why was everyone looking at me?
I looked down at myself. I didn't have a stain on my pale pink tunic or my cream-colored pants, and I'd checked my face and hair before I left my apartment. What was everyone staring at? Or was I just being paranoid? Maybe the lack of sleep was affecting me more than I realized.
I didn't know which it was, but there was no denying the space that cleared around me when I got on the gondola. Or the looks I received from those stepping onto the conveyance at the other platforms.
Some of the looks were curious. Some were angry. Still others were almost smirks. Those made me the most uncomfortable. What was going on? I was at a complete loss. When the palace stop finally came, I stepped out onto the platform with a sigh of relief.
At least I didn't have to be trapped in that box any longer. But I couldn't escape the sense of being under a microscope as I walked into the palace. A few of the kitchen staff, recognizable by the emblems on their sleeves, looked at me surreptitiously as I passed. Then a couple of guards I didn't know very well gave me lingering looks.
Maybe I needed to go back to bed and start the day over.
Putting my head down, I headed over to the wing where my office was, intent on closing myself inside. I felt like burying my head in the sand and not coming up for a week.
"Adara!"
I looked up at the unexpected voice to find Arie hurrying over to me, a concerned expression on her face.
"Arie, what—"
"We need to talk," she interrupted, taking my arm as she looked up and down the empty hall. "Right now. If you don't have time, I suggest—strongly—that you make it."
"Okay," I agreed slowly. "Why don't we go to my office?"
She nodded, so I led her the rest of the way to it, closing the door behind us and gesturing for her to take a seat.
"What is it?" I asked as soon as we had some privacy.
"Are you having an affair with Sven?" she asked, her gaze and voice direct.
My mind went completely blank at the question.
"What?" I asked, a chill coursing through my body.
She shook her head, waving her hand dismissively.
"I do not care what you two do in your personal lives," she continued, apparently assuming that we were. I hadn't denied it, after all. "However, rumors of a budding romance between the two of you are running rampant. Which, again, wouldn't be a problem under normal circumstances." She leaned forward, her eyes sympathetic. "Except that you are the Internal Liaison to the Crown. As such, you have to project a certain professionalism. A distance, if you will. An affair is not ideal if you want to project such an image." She sighed, the exhaustion showing on her face. We were all dealing with a lot on our plates. "I wouldn't speak to you about this, but people are starting to say you've been compromised, that there is now a conflict of interest. That you don't care for the flocks. That you were just trying to get into the king's bed. Which is ridiculous, don't get me wrong. I know that isn't the case. Anyone who really knows you knows that. But I am already receiving complaints about keeping you on in this position."
I stared at her, hearing the words but not fully processing them. I couldn't wrap my head around it.
Arie nodded, as if she understood my silence. Standing up, she gave me a pitying look.
"This isn't an attack on you," she murmured. "I just thought you needed to know. And needed to factor this into any decisions you might make."
"Thank you, Arie," I said through numb lips. "I appreciate it."
And I was thankful. Better to know what was going on and deal with it. At least now I knew what all the looks were about.
"I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I'll let myself out," she said quietly.
I said something, though I didn't know what. I also didn't look up as I heard the door open and close behind her. I guess I wasn't being paranoid after all. I dropped my head into my hands, bracing my elbows on my desk. How could these rumors have been spread so fast?
I had a flashback to the two women passing by the audience chamber doors as I left yesterday. To Igna avoiding my eyes after I came out of the room. If I'd learned anything working at the palace, it was that gossip had wings when it was juicy enough.
How could I have done this?
How could I have risked everything?
I sat there, emotions rising and ebbing inside me as I tried to get a grip. I felt mortified, yes. It felt as though I'd been stripped naked and paraded through the streets for everyone to gawk at, to laugh at, and point at. Though even that didn't fully cover it.
But on the heels of that emotion came an even stronger one. One I fully embraced. Anger. No, rage. There was a certain comfort to be found in the fire of that feeling.
I was so tired of constantly trying to prove myself. And to have everything I'd worked so hard for questioned now because of this?
No.
I refused to let this shame me. There was no way I was resigning or apologizing.
I stood up after checking the time. The first meeting of the day was going to start soon. And I was not giving into the urge to sit this one out.
I had to face this. Brazen it out. Everyone would just have to deal for as long as I held this position. I felt a pang at that. Because however I dealt with this, the final decision as to whether or not I kept my position might not be up to me. But there was no point in worrying over what I couldn't control.
Propelled by the energy the burst of anger gave me, I strode down the hall, meeting eyes with a defiant confidence. I couldn't do anything about what anyone said or did. But I could control my own reactions. And I refused to be cowed. Refused to look down and play the meek victim of this.
Igna nodded at me when I got to the audience chamber, his expression one of sympathy. I simply nodded back and swept into the room. I didn't need sympathy or pity.
When I entered, I saw that Sven, Joash, and Blaise were already seated and ready to go. Good.
Blaise smirked at me knowingly. At least someone was getting a kick out of my demise.
Joash kept a carefully neutral expression on his face as he greeted me.
Sven smiled at me, his eyes holding the usual warmth.
I nodded coolly to all of them and sat down. Sven frowned at the lack of greeting, but didn't comment. We started the meeting.
"We can't start building in all the flock's territories at once. It isn't practical with the amount of manpower we have," Blaise said in exasperation. "That isn't a viable solution."
"We can't show favoritism," Joash countered. "We've already seen that's a hot-button issue. And it isn't what we stand for."
"What do you think, Adara?" Sven asked, rubbing at his mouth in thought. He tended to do that when he wasn't sure of something.
"You know how I feel," I said shortly. "We need to find a happy medium, so I propose we..."
I could see Sven w
as taken back by the shortness of my response, by the cold tone, but I couldn't bring myself to care, not in that meeting or the one after it. Maybe he didn't start the rumors, but I was too angry not to lump him into the problem.
"We'll send out more supplies when we make the run for Adara's flock. It'll cut down on travel time," Sven told one of the representatives who'd come in for a follow-up meeting.
Riya raised a brow at me. "That is acceptable. I am certain Adara's flock will be visited soon enough. It no doubt receives...special...treatment."
My eyes narrowed on the man's doughy, smug face. What would happen if I went over there and punched him in it? They wouldn't be able to stop me in time. Okay, maybe I was skirting too close to going off the rails completely.
"I don't appreciate what you seem to be implying," Sven said coldly into the strained silence that followed that remark.
The other representatives somehow managed to pull back from Riya without moving a muscle, and the man seemed to realize it after a moment. He looked around, alarm tinging his expression now.
"Well, my king, it is common knowledge that..." he trailed off at Sven's stone face.
My anger abruptly bottomed out. And I suddenly felt...empty. Exhausted. I didn't have it in me to sit through this anymore. Not right now.
I stood up without comment and walked towards the doors.
"Adara," Sven called out after me.
But I ignored him and stepped out into the hall. I was not going back in there right now, thanks. I deserved a break. But then I heard the door open behind me as I hurried away.
A longer stride closed the distance between us.
"Adara," Sven called in a low, tight voice, his hand coming out to grip my arm and pull me around to face him.
"What?" I snapped, glaring back at him. "What more could you want?"
His mouth tightened, his own eyes flaring with anger. Looking around, he tugged me into an empty room, shutting and locking the door behind us.
From the Ashes: A Dragons & Phoenixes Novel (The Phoenix Wars Book 1) Page 9