She didn't say anything about the incident for a few steps. Most likely making sure that group had enough time to get some distance from us.
"Don't let them get under your skin," she finally said in a low voice that wouldn't carry. "If there's anything I've learned being chieftain of this flock, it's that people are going to talk shit," she murmured. "You just have to be strong enough to let it die out. Remember that it's the weakest who like to talk the most." She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. "Don't let them diminish you."
"I appreciate your advice," I responded.
She nodded once and moved on to another subject. I meant it.
I would add her words to my own internal monologue as I tried to slog through this. It was the best I could do. And it was more difficult than I had hoped after my initial burst of energy upon leaving the palace.
But that was to be expected, and I managed to push through it to get what I needed to get done.
When I finally went to bed that night after a long and productive day, I finally checked my personal messages. I knew why I'd been avoiding them, and the reason was right at the top.
There were three from Sven. All of them telling me to call him back. I looked at the relatively few words, marveling at how much could be packed into so little. There wasn't anything beyond the demand to call him back, but I could feel the emotion behind it. I played with crafting messages back to him, but finally just closed my email.
I didn't know what to say yet. I couldn't go back yet either. I was still in a murky limbo state over what I actually wanted, and I knew hearing his voice would sway me when perhaps it shouldn't.
The sleep I had that night was fitful, and that became the norm as I continued on with my tour. I didn't stay at Azar's flock for long. I didn't stay long at any one flock, not with so many to get through. It was a little disheartening to find the same gossip about me at each flock I visited, though it wasn't surprising. Because I was prepared, I was more able to brush it off, not let it weigh me down.
I found ways to make improvements, made notes of tweaks I needed to make to my own methods of dealing with each flock. I did a comprehensive and efficient tour of each. Basically, I kept doing my job. If everyone who saw me working still couldn't see that my priority was the good of the phoenixes, the good of each flock, I couldn't do anything about that. I knew where my heart was even if they didn't.
The whole time, I continued to ignore Sven's messages. As I lay in another temporary bed in another tent, I stared at the latest one from him, feeling my heart aching. He could have come after me, found out where I was and chased me down. But he was allowing me the space I'd asked for with my actions, something I really appreciated. I sighed as I stared at his name.
I thought I would have more time to consider what I wanted, but packing my days so full meant I had less time for introspection. And maybe I was avoiding it a bit as well, if I was honest with myself. Which was stupid. I couldn't avoid Sven or the situation forever. Not only wasn't it practical, it wasn't fair to him.
I stared at the reply button for a good minute, but still ended up closing my phone and not pushing it.
I needed just a little bit more time.
Chapter Eighteen
I circled back around to Ray's flock. By this point, I'd been through the steps multiple times. When I first arrived, there were a good many ripples of gossip around me. But just as Sven said, people soon grew tired of the gossip. It was less intense with each flock I came to, as if the news was losing its juice. It wasn't gone, but I'd take the improvement. That first ripple of talk didn't last long anyway. I supposed I just wasn't that interesting as I went about my day, checking stores and tallying up supply numbers, asking dry questions and keeping a professional face.
I was good at pushing through at this point.
"How are you holding up?" Ruth asked me obliquely as we walked through the encampment. She didn't tackle the matter directly. And she was still trying to do it without mentioning the actual subject matter now. I appreciated the tact, though I didn't need to be handled with kid gloves.
"I'm fine," I murmured, keeping it short.
Ruth looked at me sharply.
"Fine?" she prodded, skeptical.
"Fine," I said firmly. "On the scale of things, I realized...it just doesn't matter."
She gave me a searching look before nodding slowly.
"I'm glad to hear that," she agreed. She paused for a moment. "But if you want to give me some Grade-A gossip, I'm always willing to lend an interested ear," she added with an exaggerated leer.
I broke into an involuntary grin at that ridiculous expression.
"I'll keep that in mind," I agreed.
I got through most of the rest of the work I needed to get done, without spotting Ray once. Now that I'd come without Sven, it seemed as if I didn't need to receive the royal treatment, which I fully appreciated. It was much easier to do my job without a full entourage of people. It also drew less attention to me, which I was grateful for now.
I didn't realize it was time for dinner until I heard my stomach rumble.
"All right, hold your horses," I muttered to my stomach as I changed directions and headed over to the mess tent for food.
"Adara!"
I turned at the sound of my name, not expecting it, and saw Geo jogging towards me. I hadn't seen him yet since arriving. I’d been concerned about the young man who had lost both his parents in the civil war. Some casualties of war have wounds that no one can see.
"Hey, Geo," I called out, coming to a stop.
"Hello there," he greeted me, stopping beside me.
But then he paused to look around us, his expression somewhat tense. Why would that be? I glanced around as well. Most people had gone into the tent for food already, leaving the area around us sparse but not completely empty. Geo must have noted that.
"Can I speak to you alone?" he asked. "Perhaps just over there?" he added, gesturing to another row.
I frowned. What could this be about? What could Geo want to talk to me about that he didn't want anyone else to overhear? I needed to know. Sometimes people had things to say that they couldn't say where their chieftain might overhear. It didn't happen much, but this could be something relevant.
"Of course," I murmured. "Lead the way."
He nodded and did exactly that. I followed him past multiple rows of tents, until we were far enough away that I couldn't hear the people in the mess hall tent anymore.
As it turned out, he didn't actually want to speak to me alone. Two other people were waiting in front of the tent he took me to. A young woman just out of her teens, though the look in her eyes made me think her appearance might have been deceiving, and an older man with big red beard, gray hair threaded through it. It was quite a statement, especially with the hair on his head cut conservatively short.
"Are you sure about this?" the older man asked, running his eyes over me.
"I don't know about this," the young woman added, giving me a suspicious look. "Isn't she literally in bed with the guy?" she asked.
Lovely. Though I could appreciate her candor. There was a certain cleanness to those thoughts being out in the open like that.
"Those are just rumors," he admonished her, giving me an apologetic look. "You know how these things get started. I know that Adara doesn't hold any warm feelings towards the king," he said confidently, saying Sven's title derisively. "She and her flock suffered the same kind of damage our flocks did because he wanted to rise to power," he added. His cohorts didn't look convinced, so he tacked on what I thought he must have really pulled me over here for. "And maybe she can help."
I did not like where this was going. Not at all.
"Help with what?" I asked, trying not to sound alarmed.
The man and woman looked at each other uneasily as Geo turned his attention back to me.
"You're not going to have to be working with that man for much longer," Geo revealed with a smirk, a look of satisfac
tion on his face.
I felt a chill go through my body.
"What you mean?" I asked, my stomach clenching.
"I mean, the king is going to get a nasty surprise during the feast tonight," Geo stated with relish. "He's going to be burned to crisp by a couple of the attendees. They check for weapons, but they can't stop us from bringing our own bodies, can they?" he asked rhetorically, his smile still in place. But it faded as he gave me a more intense look. "We need to work fast. A good chunk of the flocks don't love Sven and are still wary of him. But he's trying to pull the wool over their eyes with all of these cookies and bribes he's giving them." His lip curled in disgust. "As if that could ever make up for what he did. We still see who he really is, but we need to strike before he completely brainwashes the rest of the population." Geo had the wild-eyed look of a zealot at this point in his impassioned speech. It scared me, but I suppressed my outward reaction. I needed to get all the information out of him I could. His eyes focused on me, losing a touch of that wild look. "But we need sympathetic people who know the palace well, who know all of the new players. We need people to help the morning after he's gone, to figure out a way to limit the repercussions of the...change in leadership."
Change in leadership? Didn't he see that he was doing something eerily similar to what Sven and his people had done? Only they'd had good reason. Even I could admit that, especially now that I knew Sven better.
Even if he'd come to me right after Sven had been crowned, at the height of the bitterness I didn't realize everyone had apparently noticed, I could not have supported this. We needed stability after the tumultuous events that we had lived through.
"I see," I finally got out through a mostly closed throat. My heart felt like it was squeezing down to a tiny ball in my chest. And it wasn't because I was worried about the stability of our political structure.
"Can I ask who's going to go through with this plan?" I questioned, trying not to be too intense about that question and give myself away.
Geo opened his mouth, but the older man stayed his response with a hand on his arm. He’d watched me carefully. I wasn't as good of an actress as I could have hoped.
"Enough, Geo," he murmured. "You understand that we can't trust you with that," the man added, his cool tone now directed at me.
"Of course," I agreed, smiling back just as coolly. "Thanks for letting me know, Geo," I added. "It will be easier for me to deal with the aftermath, now that I have some foreknowledge," I said calmly.
See? Butter wouldn't melt in my mouth. Nothing to be suspicious of here.
"Why don't you let me know what you need from me, and I'll let you know if I can deliver," I added as I started backing away. There was no smooth exit here, but I needed to warn Sven, which meant I needed to leave right now. "I need to get to a dinner meeting with Ray, but I'd be glad to hear you out afterwards."
No, that wasn't a natural reaction to news that there was going to be an assassination attempt on the king, but I had to get out of there, and I was willing to use a thin excuse to accomplish that.
Geo's eyes narrowed on me, and the teenage girl made a scoffing sound. The older man took a step towards me. Maybe it was time to stop acting like everything was fine.
A quick retreat was in order.
Not bothering to try to look nonchalant anymore, I turned around and ran back towards the mess hall tent.
I heard footsteps behind me.
"It's too late for her to do anything about this," the girl called out.
The footsteps slowed and stopped pretty quickly after that.
Which made me run even harder.
They thought it was too late for me to do anything about this, but it couldn't be! I wouldn't let it be too late!
Why Geo thought that I would sympathize with this.... The only explanation I could come up with was that he was so embittered by the losses that he sustained that he was willing to project those feelings onto me. He wasn't completely wrong. I had definitely held animosity towards all the people involved in the conspiracy that ultimately led to so many of my own flock being killed, among many others.
But I'd been working for some time with Sven and his people now. I could see how much better they were for our long-term future than Emberich would ever have been. That bitterness I held had slowly drained away as I'd worked with them to help people and seen that they actually cared.
It wasn't just Sven. All of them did. It didn't mean that I thought they'd gone about everything in the exact way that I would have hoped, but life wasn't ideal. It did mean that I was able to find a certain amount of peace that Geo hadn't been able to find. Which was understandable.
He sustained far more intense emotional wounds from those closest to him dying. That didn't excuse his fanaticism. It just explained it.
Not that motivations mattered, especially since it sounded like far more people were involved than just the three I'd just met. Shit.
What I really wanted to do was go back to my tent and message Sven right away. But I didn't know if they would be waiting by my tent for me. It was no secret where I was staying. So I went directly into the mess hall tent, where I assumed I'd be safe among so many people. Everyone in this flock couldn't be involved or Geo wouldn't have made such a show of moving that conversation so far from the mess hall tent.
Then I opened up the messages Sven had sent me and finally replied.
"Call me right away," I said. "Someone is going to attack you at the feast. Call me back to let me know you got this."
After I sent the email, I tried calling him.
He didn't answer.
He had a bad habit of not answering the phone because he was busy doing so many other things. He preferred getting his messages through email for that reason.
I tried contacting Arie and Joash next. No answer. Everyone was likely fully involved with preparations for the feast.
I checked the time.
"Fuck," I muttered.
I could wait to see if someone responded. A risk because they might not. Or I could use my wings, fly back and warn Sven in person. Risky because I might not make it in time.
I had to make a decision.
If they got my messages, they would at least know something was wrong. Speaking to me wasn't completely necessary in that case. That decided me.
I didn't know if I could make it in time, even if I left immediately and flew as fast as I could. But I needed to try.
I didn't bother running to the clearing where I usually launched from. I didn't want to waste the time. And if Geo and the people who sympathized with him were keeping an eye out for me, the first place they would scout would be that clearing.
Fine. I'd improvise.
I walked out of the tent and tore off my tunic and pants, beyond any thoughts of self-consciousness for the first time in my life. Then I changed to my phoenix form immediately in the space in front of it.
"Watch it!" someone yelled out.
"This isn't where you're supposed to change!" someone else yelled.
I didn't pay them any mind as I crouched and launched myself into the air with a forceful beat of my wings.
I only had one thought in mind.
Sven.
Chapter Nineteen
I flew faster than I'd ever flown in my life.
I couldn't be late.
I had to get there in time to warn him, to stop these people, blinded by their own despair and bitterness, from achieving their goal. I didn't let doubt enter my mind—not at first.
I just flew as fast as my wings could carry me, feeling the burn in my muscles and tendons, but not slowing even when it became an ache that let me know I was starting to do damage. Flying this quickly for a long distance was not recommended for the fine muscles and ligaments in the wings, but I didn't have time to worry about that. If I injured myself, I'd recover. It was more important that I squeeze out every ounce of speed I could right now.
Even in that headlong rush to make it back to the capita
l, I had too much time to think. I should have replied to Sven sooner. I should have told him how I felt. Maybe he knew. Maybe he knew that the fact that I had put everything on the line for him meant I cared much more than I was willing to let on.
Maybe. But I still wished I had told him in words. Words were important sometimes. They mattered.
I wished I had stayed and talked about things rather than just leaving, no matter how necessary it felt. All my reasons had been valid, but a big chunk of my motivation had also been avoidance of the issue. There was no denying that.
And now, there was a distinct possibility I might not get the chance to... I felt my heart start to sink.
No!
No.
I couldn't think like that. I had to be positive.
I pushed a little bit more speed out of my body.
I wasn't able check the time in my phoenix form, but I knew a significant amount had passed by the time the capital came into view. I didn't know how much time I had left. But the sight of the city gave me another burst of energy. Almost there.
My wings were a burning pain at this point, but I ignored them as I jetted right past the main part of the city and straight to the palace.
Normally, I flew at a deliberately slow pace when I approached the palace, giving the guards time to recognize me. Time to realize that I didn't need to be tackled and brought down in midair. But I didn't have time for that. If they attacked, then I'd deal with it.
As I neared the palace, lit up like a Christmas tree for the occasion, I saw the main courtyard had been set up with a feast large enough to feed the entire city. Shit. It was already in full swing.
I saw one of the flying guards take note of me and adjust his trajectory. He needed to build up speed. He'd be too late. So I ignored him.
From the Ashes: A Dragons & Phoenixes Novel (The Phoenix Wars Book 1) Page 11