He finished, took a deep breath and let it out slowly, blinking tears away from his eyes.
His only sister. Only sibling. Reading the letter felt like losing her all over again, reminded him of all he’d lost.
He wanted to feel angry. Wanted to desire vengeance so much that he could crowd out all these other feelings with white-hot fury.
And he did want the men caught. Brought to justice and prosecuted to the fullest extent the law would allow.
But mostly he wanted Liz back. Wanted his old life back. Ellerie back.
And Liz was never coming back.
His old life was over.
And Ellerie had left. Changed her name and her life. Not the same as being dead, not the permanence, but not something he knew how to handle, either.
So. Much. Regret.
How did someone move past all this? Move through it?
Ellie squeezed Seth’s hand harder, looked up at him.
Something flickered in her eyes, and she leaned closer. Just slightly, but as she did so, her head tilted up to his.
And then her arms were reaching for him. Slowly, she wrapped her hands behind his neck, tugged him closer to her.
So much time. So much between them.
And then she was kissing him, soft and warm and like she wanted to make it better, but they both knew that she couldn’t. Still, for a minute he forgot everything else.
And then memories, the truth of their current situation, the fact that she’d left him, all slammed into him at once and he pulled back.
“Ellie...” He trailed off, clearing his throat.
“I shouldn’t have...” She looked away. Scooted several inches from him.
“Listen, we’re adults. You were trying to...” Well, what had she been trying to do just then? She’d kissed him, full on the lips, with more emotion than he’d imagined she could still feel toward them. Who left someone and then embraced them like that? Why?
“You were sad.” She shrugged her shoulders and sniffled. It wasn’t a pity kiss, they had too much of a past relationship for that. Rather it had been instant, a way to reach out and offer comfort.
All the years, her leaving, and they were still connected. Maybe they always would be. And that was what Seth was afraid of. This woman had always held such a large part of his heart, and when she’d left, he’d never gotten it back.
He didn’t want to lose himself in the past, in regret, bitterness, any of it. So he took a deep breath, pushed the thoughts away. He nodded. “What’s a kiss between—”
“Friends?” she asked like it was an offer. And it was. She’d broken his heart and left, and he’d not even known where she was until now.
Friends was a step up. And even if he was wary of trusting her again, he’d take it. For his sister’s sake. Being friends didn’t mean he had to let his guard down again, expect anything more. He could keep his guard up and still be amicable. Seth nodded. “Yeah,” he said with a small smile. “Friends.”
They sat for a minute, eyes locked, before Ellie looked away. “So...the letter.”
“She had this sent to me three years after on purpose. She hoped that, if she died, the police would be able to solve the case. That’s what the letter said.” He was processing out loud, something he often did when he needed to think.
Ellie flinched. Had she taken that as some kind of indictment or insult? He hadn’t meant it that way. She’d left the police department almost immediately after Liz’s death, first with a leave of absence and then permanently. Even though she’d never explained the decision—he’d had to find out about the leave from a friend of his at the department—he thought he understood. Trauma made people do inexplicable things...like breaking up with the man they intended to marry right after his sister died, and disappearing.
Or had that been because of something he’d done wrong? Seth had never known. And here she was. He could ask. But somehow, he didn’t want to know. Not yet.
“I should have stayed,” she muttered, taking his worries and making them true. “I should have tried harder to figure out—”
“No.”
She looked at him. Frowned.
Seth shook his head. “Stop. No. You don’t know if it would have helped, and you had to do what was best for you, too.”
“But Liz...”
“She wouldn’t have wanted you to blame yourself. You know that, don’t you?”
She couldn’t meet his eyes. Or wouldn’t.
This was more than residual guilt. This was something much deeper, more serious. He’d try to bring it up later, but didn’t see what else there was to do right now but let it go. Their own feelings, and shared past, didn’t matter as much as getting justice for his sister. And he had to keep her safe, no matter the cost.
“We have to do something now,” she stated, looking back at him. Or at least in his direction. She made just enough eye contact to be socially acceptable but kept glancing away, like being in such proximity to him was too much.
Then again, five minutes ago they’d been kissing each other. So she might be right about the fact that proximity seemed to make them forget all the years that had passed since they’d been a couple...and how she’d hurt him.
It made him do stupid things like kiss her back. Risk her heart again. After that first betrayal, he should know better.
“I think we should go to the state troopers,” he said.
She nodded. No argument at all.
“I’ll...” He trailed off, realizing if he walked away from her now, he didn’t know when he’d see her again. Where was she living? He knew it was somewhere in town, but he hadn’t spent much time there lately. He didn’t want to leave now and not see her again for years. “I’ll go now, unless you want to come with me?”
He didn’t expect her to, but she nodded. They stood up, and he held the letter tight in his hands as they walked to the front yard and his waiting pickup truck.
Hopefully in less than an hour law enforcement would be looking into this, and it would be out of his hands. Figuratively and literally.
Then he’d pray hard that the bad guys were brought to justice. For his sister’s sake.
And he’d keep a close watch on the woman who’d been the one he’d intended to marry. Because if the murderers had made a link to him, it would only be a matter of time before they found Ellie.
* * *
For the first time in three years, Ellie felt something more than just guilt.
Sitting beside Seth in his truck as the road to town passed outside the window, she felt afraid. Whoever had attacked Seth would be back. She couldn’t lose someone else she cared about again. Even though she’d gutted their relationship, left it with no chance for a future, she still cared about him.
He never needed to know. Either way she didn’t want to lose him.
She felt hopeful. When years had passed and Liz’s murder had remained unsolved, Ellie had started to assume it would always be that way. She hated it, wanted closure. Not just for herself but for Liz’s family. She’d even reached out to her old chief to see if she could have the case files, but he’d refused, telling her that even if she was still an officer he wouldn’t let her on the case because she’d been too close to it emotionally. She’d considered investigating without the notes, but it seemed...
Well, foolish. Like something doomed to fail before it started.
But now, with these new threads to tug, new leads to follow and Seth’s help?
Maybe she could try. Maybe now after all these years, she could help bring that closure.
She felt...
Well, her heart was still pounding from that kiss. It was a foolish feeling, and even if it was stronger than anything she’d had these past few numb years, that didn’t mean she needed to pay attention to it.
She watched him while he drove, found
herself admiring the muscle in his upper arm as he held the wheel. Let her eyes travel to his face, to the stubble on his jaw. It was set firmly, like he was determined not to let anyone down. Oh, Seth. She wanted to run her hands along that stubble, tell him he’d never let her down, not once, that it was all her. She’d been the reason she left, her failures. Not his.
He knew that, right? That it hadn’t been his fault?
Ellie wasn’t brave enough to face that conversation yet. So instead she just kept watching him, struck by how familiar he still seemed, three years later.
How handsome. Her gaze wouldn’t leave him. And she didn’t want it to.
The truck slowed, and Ellie blinked, looking away from Seth and looking out the front window. They were pulling into the parking lot for the small clinic Raven Pass had.
“I need to get this checked out.” He motioned to his side, smiling apologetically.
How could she have forgotten he was hurt?
“Of course. Do you want me to go in or, I guess...” She trailed off. Of course he didn’t. He was an adult and she was just a friend.
His smile was gracious. “I’ll be fine in the room alone. But come in the waiting room so you aren’t alone in the car.”
Ellie nodded. She should have thought of that. She was the one who had been law enforcement. She followed him inside and made herself comfortable in the waiting room. He was called back quickly and then back out to her faster than expected.
“Already?” she asked in surprise.
“Wasn’t much they could do besides clean it and stitch it. I’m supposed to keep it clean.” He shrugged. “Ready to go file our report?”
Ellie nodded. They drove to the Raven Pass trooper station. Since Liz’s murder had been in Anchorage, it made more sense to go with the state agency that had jurisdiction both here and there, rather than the Raven Pass Police Department.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized to Seth. “I was kind of lost in thought.”
“Don’t apologize.”
And she heard more in the words than he meant, maybe. But her shoulders relaxed. None of it needed an apology. They somehow seemed to be okay, and that meant something to her.
He put the truck in Park. “Ready to do this?”
She nodded. As much as she’d ever be... She opened the truck door and stepped out, the cold hitting her in the face. Her cheeks stung almost instantly. But that wasn’t why she shivered. That could only be attributed to the fact that in the parking lot she felt exposed, vulnerable to attack. She scanned the parking lot, lined with trees on the edges, some of them planted by a landscaper, some at one end a natural forest, the tall Sitka spruce seeming to reach almost to the sky.
It was deep and dark, providing the perfect cover for someone who wanted to watch them.
Or worse.
She shivered again.
“You all right?” Seth turned to her, always more perceptive than she wished he was.
“I’m fine.” The words were automatic, not entirely true, but the way he raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side told her he saw through her facade.
“It’s going to be okay.”
But the words were empty to her ears. How could everything be okay when everything had been falling apart for the past three years? She’d felt like her heart had threatened to bleed out and die so she’d cauterized it to every kind of emotion. Then, she’d quit her job, the one she’d dreamed about since childhood when, instead of playing normal games with her dolls, she’d played police officer. She’d always wanted to be the rescuer, the one who righted wrongs.
Instead, when such an awful wrong had found her, she had run, unable to deal with her guilt and the darkness that had threatened to overwhelm her.
So she’d become another kind of rescuer. Saving lives through search and rescue work mattered to her. It just hadn’t been her plan.
She took a deep breath in, let it out slowly and nodded. Maybe she didn’t believe his reassurance, but it still meant something that he’d offered it. Perhaps he wasn’t as indifferent to emotion as she was. She needed to remember that.
They walked together to the door of the trooper station.
“Can I help you?” A woman in her fifties, Ellie would guess, looked up at them from behind a sheet of glass. The whole building smelled like law enforcement and made her weirdly homesick. It was a mix of musty files and coffee, a smell with which she was familiar.
“We need to speak to a trooper.”
“Do you need to file a report?”
Seth glanced at Ellie, and Ellie nodded back at him. A trooper joined them within minutes and motioned them toward the back. “You can come with me.”
They sat down in an office with a desk and some chairs and spoke to the man behind the desk who introduced himself as Officer Patrick.
“I’m Seth Connors.” Seth stuck out his hand and shook the officer’s with confidence. Ellie had always loved that about him.
“Can you tell me what happened?”
One more glance at her first, which Ellie felt to her bones, and Seth started talking. “I was out on a training run yesterday when I was attacked.”
“By how many people?”
“Two, I think. Definitely more than one, but by the time the first one got to me and hit me on the head, details got a little fuzzy, so I can’t be sure.”
The trooper nodded, took notes. “Any description to give?”
“They were wearing face masks, the kind people wear in winter. Nothing that I’d note except they were both average height. I’d have noticed if one was especially short or tall.”
He asked more questions, but Ellie found her mind wandering. Taking a statement was all so familiar to her, but it had been years since she’d done this. She missed it—but that part of her life was gone now.
She focused back in when she saw Seth pull out the letter from Liz.
“And this is from...” The trooper trailed off.
“It’s from my sister. She was killed just over three years ago.”
“Cause of death?”
Ellie spoke up. “She was shot. It looked like a drive-by shooting, and police eventually ruled it random, a wrong place, wrong time thing. But it wasn’t.”
“And your relation to the victim? The reason you know this?”
“I was her friend.” Ellie hesitated. “At the time of her death, I worked at the Anchorage Police Department.”
The officer nodded. “And you both think this incident is tied to her case.”
Seth handed him the letter. They waited while Officer Patrick read it.
“I see what you mean. It does cast some suspicion on her death being an accident.”
“More than some,” Ellie commented. Office Patrick looked over at her, and she saw the apology in his eyes before he made it.
“Listen, Ms. Hardison, I see your point. And I will take this to my superiors. But while we will certainly make an effort to investigate the attack Mr. Connors sustained yesterday, it’s highly unlikely we will investigate a cold case when the connection is tenuous.”
Ellie felt angry, heat rushing to her forehead, and shoved her chair back. “Ten—”
Seth’s hand on her arm stopped her. “Don’t.”
She stared, seething with frustration. Waited.
“I do understand.” He shook his head again. “But you know how it is. This is a small department. We have to do what we can for many people, and reopening a cold case is not likely to be a high priority. I will talk to my boss and let you know. I just felt it was more respectful to be honest with you.”
Ellie supposed she could understand and appreciated this. But she’d have preferred not to have bad news at all. Why hadn’t she known this would be a likely outcome? In hindsight, she should have. Because everything he was saying was right. There was a connecti
on, more than a small one, but nothing right now that a prosecuting attorney could argue was indisputable evidence to connect the attacks on Seth with Liz’s death and this letter.
“Thanks for your time,” Seth said and stood. Officer Patrick saw them both out of the building.
“That didn’t go well,” Ellie finally said once they’d walked back outside and were halfway across the parking lot.
“No. It didn’t.” His voice had darkened. Ellie exhaled a deep breath. She was going to have to come up with a plan to keep Seth in her sights, or at least close to it. She might not be an officer anymore, but she still had her training.
“You’re going to have to be careful until they find out who is behind the attacks on you,” she said aloud. He snorted.
Snorted?
“Ellie, they’re not going to find anyone. If these incidents are connected, you really think people who were able to get away with murder are going to slip up enough in attacking me that they get caught? We have nothing. No fingerprints and no substantial crime scene since some messed-up snow doesn’t really give investigators a whole lot to look at.”
She glanced at him. He looked like he was bracing himself and then asked, “So...what’s your plan?”
She turned to face him.
Alaska Secrets Page 5