by Dean, Ali
I wasn’t paying attention as I opened the passenger door, and it just missed slamming into someone walking by. She was looking at her cell phone, so maybe it was her fault too. But as soon as our eyes connected, it took all my self-control to keep a neutral expression.
“Sorry,” I said, plastering on smile. “Didn’t see you.”
Kylie Cornwall pursed her lips. She kept her eyes on me but didn’t say a word as she stepped around the door and continued on her way. I shook my head as I watched her go. Why were we letting this girl go about her business when she was threatening us, accosting Hazel?
I thought my mood couldn’t get much worse, but Hazel snubbed me first period. We’d established our seats in the back of the class beside each other, but she must have purposefully taken one in the second row by the window, where it was already filled up.
I felt everyone’s eyes on me as I slid into one of the last open seats three rows behind her. Some people in the front had even turned to watch me. People used to at least pretend they weren’t looking, tried being discreet. Now I was a spectacle. I’d been elevated to a status that I didn’t even understand. And definitely hadn’t asked for.
My eyes remained glued on Hazel throughout class, but she never glanced my way. I didn’t hear a word the teacher said as a coldness trickled through me. The feeling was familiar. It was the same one I’d been trying to ignore all through high school. I welcomed it, the longing that had become a part of me over the years. The internal begging to have her look me in the eye, just for a second. Any attention I could snatch from her, a brushing of shoulders in the hallway, it would make me high for the entire day. I’d been pathetic.
But this feeling was almost better than everything else that had been crashing through me the last few days, the entire week. Ever since I got the call about the fire, if I was being honest. I wondered if what I was experiencing was anything like soldiers coming from back from war. Constant action and danger and then suddenly, real life. That adjustment was hard, disorienting, and confusing. Only this wasn’t the same, not really, because there was still danger. Wasn’t there? I couldn’t even figure out if the war was still happening or if we’d already won.
When class ended, Hazel stood up and slung her backpack over her shoulder. My stomach turned as I remained frozen in my seat, rooted in place. She walked right on out of there, and I let her.
What was happening to me? I was being a coward, that’s what. With that thought racing in my head, I jumped up and nearly knocked people over chasing Hazel. The hallway was jam-packed but I managed to squeeze through until I reached her, tugging on her backpack.
She spun around, and my eyes widened at the fierce expression on her face. “What?” she barked out. People slowed around us, and then they gave us a wide berth.
“Are you mad at me?” I asked, unable to hide the surprise in my voice.
“What do you think?” Hazel shot back, a hand moving to her hip.
I was distracted by my dick for a second, as it seemed to wake up every time Hazel tossed her attitude around. Not the time, man, I said, trying to give it a pep talk. “I think you’re pissed.” Wow. I was taking pathetic to a new level with that retort.
Hazel’s lips flattened into a hard line, even as I caught a shimmer of amusement in her eyes. She spun back around before I could think about how to handle her, and I was too dumbstruck to go after her. Once again, I was frozen in place, rooted to the ground. The crowd swallowed her up just as I heard Bodhi’s laughter behind me.
He threw an arm around my neck as he looked down the hallway where she’d disappeared. “What? You thought once you got her back it’d be smooth sailing? Think again, brother.”
Emmett came up on my other side. “You didn’t show last night. That’s the second Sunday dinner in a row you missed without giving her a head’s up.” He didn’t hide his disapproval, but the sinking sensation in my chest lessened at this. At least I’d been clued into the source of Hazel’s fire. “Mimi kept asking if you were coming.”
Bodhi pulled me roughly with the arm he had around my neck. “Careful, Pops might cut off your condom supply if you keep it up.”
I didn’t need the condoms anymore, we were already past that, but her cousins didn’t need to know this. My mind flashed to being inside her by the Lake before it went to Pops and Mimi’s dinner table. Last week she was worried about me, and maybe she was this week too, but in a different way. Worry only went so far with Hazel. She’d laid it out for me on Saturday night, and she was right. I couldn’t run from what was happening to me, I couldn’t hide or mask it. And I’d done just that. Again.
The bell rang again as I bit out a curse. People lingered in the hallway though, watching us. As I made my way to my next class, there was already a change inside me. All I’d needed was a little contact with her, a touch, a look, some anger. It wasn’t how I wanted her, but the reminder that I affected her just as she did me was the jolt of adrenaline I craved. It infused me with confidence, made me feel near invincible.
I had to wait through two more classes before I saw Hazel again. But when I got to our usual table at the cafeteria, it was the four guys and no Hazel. This had been our table last year, and it didn’t feel right anymore without her.
“Where is she?” I asked. I remained standing, looking around the cafeteria for her.
“I was just in class with her. She said she had a meeting with her coach.” Spike didn’t hide the suspicion in his voice.
My eyes shot to his. “Did she say what it was about?”
“She said colleges,” he answered, doubt filling his voice.
“Guys, come on, Hazel wouldn’t do that.” Emmett lowered his voice. “We just decided on this yesterday and she was cool with it.”
“One of us was with her all morning in one of her classes, right?” Moody asked, then looked behind him before adding, “Kylie wouldn’t have gotten to her.”
Bodhi let out a snort. “Hazel’s avoiding Cruz. Maybe she really does need to talk to her coach about colleges, and decided this was a good excuse to get out of seeing him at lunch.”
“Really?” Emmett asked. “Hazel’s toying with Cruz right now? That doesn’t seem like her.”
“Yeah, she usually handles shit straight on,” Spike voiced his opinion.
“It’s actually pretty smart,” Moody said with a little admiration. “She’s giving him a taste of his own medicine.”
“Guys. I’m right here,” I nearly growled. “You can stop analyzing our relationship like little bitches.”
They all stared at me. Spike looked offended I’d called him out on acting like a little bitch. Bodhi appeared smug, either for thinking he had it figured out or because he thought it was cute the two of us were fighting, I wasn’t sure. Is that what we were doing, fighting?
“What are you waiting for?” Emmett asked. “Go find her.”
He didn’t have to tell me twice. I was being a hypocrite. I’d been the one acting like a little bitch and it was time to grow some balls. Hazel had been right. If I wanted to call people out for being weak, it was time to dig deep and find my own strength.
Chapter Nineteen
Hazel
My coach had been trying to set up a meeting with me since school started. She’d been fielding calls from colleges hoping to recruit me, and needed to know where I stood. Coach hadn’t been expecting me today, but the meeting hadn’t taken long anyway. I’d made my decision, and by telling her, I’d solidified it.
Coach had another meeting that was actually on her schedule so I wasn’t able to pass the entire lunch break in her office like I’d planned. There was a light drizzle outside, and I decided that was the perfect place to escape. No one else would be out there.
It was more like a misting than a real rain, and it felt good on my skin. Fall would be here soon, and it was my favorite season. Sitting on the front steps, I leaned back, using my backpack as a pillow, and closed my eyes. I’d barely slept last night and I was exhausted
.
I must have dozed for a minute because a tapping on my foot had my eyes fluttering open. “Hey Hazel.”
I started to sit up and then remembered my backpack was weighing me down. Isaiah offered me a hand, pulling me to my feet.
“It’s still lunch period, right? I think I passed out.”
He laughed, and I still had to look up at him even though he was two steps below. Isaiah must have been the tallest guy in school. “Yeah, but the bell should ring any minute, I was just on my way back from getting food.”
“Good thing or I would’ve slept right through,” I admitted with a chuckle, pulling my hand away when I realized he was still holding it.
“You can pass out in the back of my car if you really need a nap. Probably more comfortable than these stairs.”
“Nah, I’m good.” I stretched before turning to head back inside.
“You need a ride after practice again today?” he asked.
Before I could answer, I nearly bumped into someone on the stair behind me. “Whoa.” My hands went to the chest in front of me to brace myself and I instantly recognized the body. “Cruz? What are you doing out here?” All of a sudden I was breathless, and I nearly rolled my eyes at my reaction. One night without him and I was dizzy from his sudden appearance
Cruz, however, was not so taken by my nearness. He wasn’t even looking at me. No, his eyes were zeroed in on Isaiah. “Are you going to answer him, Hazel?”
I frowned as he directed the question at me while refusing to meet my eyes. Seriously? I thought we’d been through this already. The hand I had on his chest pushed him, but he didn’t budge. This was getting embarrassing. For all of us.
I whipped around, hoping my backpack would knock him out of the way. It didn’t, but it did give me a chance to shoot an apologetic smile at Isaiah. “I drove myself to school today so I’m all set. Thanks for the offer.”
Isaiah spun his keys on his finger, looked between us, and nodded. “Okay cool.” With faked nonchalance, he went up the steps and into school just as the bell rang, giving us a wide berth.
I tried to shove past Cruz again but his arm came out and pulled me into his chest. “Hazel.” My body melted at the way he said my name, harsh but vulnerable.
I knew he could feel my reaction to him, but that was only my body he had power over right now. The rest of me wasn’t letting him get away with this shit.
“You got a ride with Isaiah Cross on Friday after practice, didn’t you?”
I tried throwing a hand up but I was practically flush against him at this point, and there was no space for my hand gestures to show him how pissed I was. Words would have to do. “Oh, is that not allowed? He’s not a Malone, Cruz. Isaiah’s no enemy. Stop acting like such a tool.”
His eyebrows shot up. “A tool? Really, Hazel? He was holding your hand when I came out here. Why were the two of you even out here alone anyway?”
This is where he wanted to go with this? “You can’t be serious right now.”
“Hazel, I couldn’t find you. Again. When I finally do, you’re holding hands with the school’s star basketball player. He thinks he has a chance with you. He’s waiting for an opening. You taking a ride with him was that opening. That’s how guys’ minds work.”
“Then guys are idiots. That, or you’re just acting like one right now. I thought you were smarter than this. Better than this.”
“Than what?” Cruz shook his head. “I’m not going to let some guy hit on you. We’re together, Hazel. He wants you. Giving you a ride home, just the two of you? It’s why he thought he could dance with you on Saturday.”
Our noses were practically touching as we both took harsh breaths. His grip remained tight on mine.
“You’re being ridiculous, and this has nothing to do with Isaiah,” I told him. “He wasn’t hitting on me and I wasn’t leading him on. You’re doing it again, Cruz. Acting jealous when it’s really not about that at all.”
“No Hazel, you’re smarter than that. Don’t put this on me. Don’t turn this around.”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“No, I just said you’re smarter than your actions recently.”
I tried pulling away from him and this time he let me.
The bell rang again, letting us know we’d be late for class.
“For the record, you called me stupid first,” he said.
I bit my lip to keep from smiling. In my snottiest voice, I lifted my chin and retorted, “Did not.”
“Fine. But you implied it.”
My smile cracked through then. He smiled back. Why was this kind of fun? “This is strangely therapeutic. I feel rejuvenated.”
Cruz rolled his shoulders back. “Me too.” He watched me warily. “If I hadn’t already missed so much school I’d say we should skip and have make-up sex.”
“Oh, I don’t think so, buddy. We haven’t made up. This isn’t even close to over.”
Cruz rolled his lips together. “Angry sex then? We haven’t done that yet.”
“Oh my God.” But I was laughing when I successfully shoved past him this time.
* * *
I decided to hit the weight room after practice. I might be taking a break from extra training, but it’d been a while since I’d had a good lifting session. Besides, I’d missed nearly a week of practices and had some making up to do.
I was a terrible slacker. After Cruz ditched me Sunday, I spent the afternoon studying. Now that I’d taken a closer look at all the assignments, I wanted to get back to it tonight too. There was some comfort in going back to my old ways. There was nothing wrong with hard work, right?
The school’s gym was practically empty by the time I finished up. My muscles were burning and that was satisfying. Not as satisfying as another feeling, like the one I’d had in the tree fort a few days ago… no, I wasn’t going there.
“Finally calling it quits?” Bodhi’s voice pulled me from my wayward thoughts.
I looked up. He was leaning against the walls, arms crossed.
“Oh, hey. You weren’t waiting on me, were you?”
“Hazel, we might have things under wraps, but we still aren’t exactly in the clear.” There was an edge in his tone that wasn’t typical with Bodhi.
“So, you’ve been waiting here all this time?”
He lifted his chin. “I could’ve gone in to lift with you. But I actually worked on my Harvard application out here instead. You seemed like you needed space.”
I was about to deny it but he pushed off the wall, interrupting me. “I get it. All of us need it sometimes.”
Emmett was the big hugger but I stepped up to Bodhi then and put my arms around my cousin. “Thanks for waiting,” I told him.
Bodhi wrapped his arms around me and didn’t let me go for a few seconds. We walked down the empty hallway in silence and when he held the door open for me I snapped out of my own head to look at him. He was subdued, and that wasn’t my Bodhi.
“You okay? What’s going on?”
Bodhi lifted his eyes to mine. “Huh?”
“You’re like, all quiet and mellow. It’s weird.”
He chuckled. “I’m fine, Haze.”
“Hmmm.” I shot him a skeptical look.
He threw his hands up. “I’m not keeping shit from you, Hazel, don’t give me that look.”
Part of me wanted to hound him. Secrets were so uncool. Especially now. But another part of me just wanted to try pretending my life was normal again, that I could go back to my old routine. Still, I had to ask about Cruz.
“Where’s Cruz?”
Bodhi stopped in front of my pickup. He leaned against the passenger door and crossed his arms. “Why? I thought you two were fighting or some shit.” His expression danced between amusement and something else. Annoyance? Frustration?
“Something like that,” I mumbled before rounding to the driver’s side. “I’m giving you a ride, right?” He and Emmet sometimes shared their parents’ old station wagon, but it was
on its last leg.
I hopped in the driver’s seat and Bodhi played with the radio as I backed out of the near-empty parking lot.
“You never answered my question, Bodhi. Where’s Cruz at? Do you know?”
Bodhi sighed. “He came to watch practice for a bit, then went to Mitch’s house.”
Oh. That was good. I didn’t want him sitting alone at the Spot while the rest of us were playing soccer. He was spending time with his dad then, and I should be happy about that. I was happy about it, wasn’t I?
“Haze, what’s up with you two?”
“It’s nothing, Bodhi.”
“Really?” He was heavy on the sarcasm but he also sounded kind of pissed.
My fingers gripped the steering wheel. “Look, not everything between me and Cruz is everyone else’s business,” I said, maybe too harshly. I was hungry, and tired, and not even sure why I was so pissed off at Cruz anymore.
“No, not everyone’s. But we’re all close, Haze, you know that. And this might all be swinging in our favor right now, but we’re still in the middle of a clusterfuck.”
My hand hit the steering wheel as frustration boiled in my chest. “Bodhi, this is about my relationship with Cruz, it’s not about the Malones.”
“Fine, whatever. I’m just trying to help. I’m your cousin, one of your best friends, and one of his too.”
We drove in silence for a few minutes before I turned onto his parents’ street. I didn’t want to drop him off like this. “I’m sorry Bodhi, okay? I haven’t really talked to Cruz even about all this.”
I parked in the drive and Bodhi gripped the door handle. He turned back to me. “Well talk to him then, what are you waiting for?”
“Why are you being so pushy?” I shot back, annoyed with his tone.
“Because, you finally get to be together after all this time! And now you’re playing games, avoiding him, whatever. It’s dumb.”