Eventually the end credits started rolling and Cayden sprang to his feet, making both Paige and Taylor jump. Susie slept through it.
‘Another one?’ he asked Paige hopefully.
‘Definitely not, it’s past your bedtime, mister,’ she replied.
‘Aaaaaaaawh,’ he whined, but he didn’t put up too much of a fight. Taylor tried to wriggle out from under Susie, but every time she moved the little girl gripped the blanket, which was wrapped around both of them, tighter.
‘Here, let me get her,’ Paige whispered softly. She gently scooped up the sleeping girl and started making her way towards the stairs. Susie nuzzled into her but didn’t seem to wake. Taylor remained in the living room with Cayden, who was quietly looking through the rest of the films that Paige had laid out for them. After a few minutes they heard Paige creeping back down the stairs. Cayden seemed to have made a decision, and picked out one of the films.
‘Tomorrow?’ he asked, his eyes going wide and his smile making him look cherub-like.
‘Maybe, if you’re good,’ Paige said. ‘Now, go and get ready for bed, and try not to wake your sister,’ she said gently, and he scampered off upstairs. After a few minutes they heard the floorboards in the bedroom creak as Cayden crept into bed.
‘Well, that was a long day,’ Paige said honestly.
‘Fun, though,’ Taylor said, standing up and grabbing her coat. ‘Thank you for inviting me’
‘No problem. To be honest, it was nice to have adult company. There are only so many conversations about dinosaurs you can have in one week before your brain gets fried.’
‘That... is understandable’ Taylor said with a laugh. ‘Well, I’d best be off. See you soon, I hope?’
‘Yes, definitely,’ Paige said, showing Taylor out.
‘Bye, then.’ Taylor gave a half wave and smiled. She thought about going in for a hug but wasn’t entirely sure how Paige would react, so she decided on just stepping out of the door and not looking back.
Once in her car she let out a huge sigh. It had been a lovely day, she had seen the forest she had been wanting to see for a long time, had had fun laughing with Paige and playing with the kids, but she still had no idea if her small stirrings of romantic feelings were mutual. She couldn’t read Paige at all.
Taylor started her car and turned the heaters on full, pulling her coat tighter around her as she waited for the car to warm up. She could see her breath in front of her face and her car windscreen had started to frost over. She wished she was still inside, warmed by the fire and surrounded by the affection that the family had for one another.
CHAPTER TEN
The A Word
PAIGE
Brandon and Lucy would be arriving any minute for lunch, after which they were taking their children home. Paige stifled a yawn as she stood in the kitchen cutting a cucumber. Cayden and Susie were ‘helping’. Cayden was chattering about his new favourite topic: insects. His forays with the magnifying glass had finally diverted his attention from dinosaurs. Susie was the first to hear the car pull up. She dropped the tomatoes she was holding, sending them rolling all over the counter and onto the floor. Alerted by Susie’s dash to the front door, Cayden narrowly avoiding stomping on a stray tomato as he rushed to join his sister. Paige wiped her hands down, retrieved the stray tomatoes, and went to greet her brother and sister-in-law. Neither child could reach the keys to unlock the door, so both were just bouncing up and down excitedly, Susie quietly clapping her hands and Cayden tapping the sides of his legs.
‘Mind out the way now,’ Paige said as she got the keys from the hook and unlocked the door, struggling to open it with two small, excited bodies in the way. Their parents were already on their way to the front door when Susie darted out to meet them in just her socks.
‘Hey, Susie-Bug!’ Brandon exclaimed, scooping her up in his arms and giving her a snuggle. ‘What have we said about going outside without shoes on?’ Susie didn’t answer, she just giggled as her farther tickled her.
‘Hey, Paige,’ Lucy said before offering her a hug. Paige accepted and the two embraced, with Cayden watching on, still bouncing. ‘And how’s my favourite boy?’ she asked Cayden, offering him a high five. Instead, he dashed forward and wrapped his arms around his mother’s hips. Lucy’s expression changed to one of pure bliss as the little boy hugged her.
‘Maybe you guys should go away more often!’ Brandon joked as he squeezed past his immobilised wife into the house.
‘No thank you,’ a little voice said from his arms. Brandon squeezed Susie a little tighter.
‘Mmm, what smells so good?’ Brandon asked before wrapping Paige up in a one-armed bear hug, and saying into her ear, ‘Good to see you, P.’
‘We made salad!’ Cayden shouted in response, causing the adults to laugh.
‘Yes we did,’ Paige replied ‘but we also made lasagne, didn't we?’
Cayden didn’t hear her. He had taken his mother by the hand and was leading her into the living room, where his new magnifying glass lay atop his new book on creepy crawlies. Susie had wriggled out of her father‘s arms and was now trotting along behind them.
‘I just need to finish the salad,’ Paige said, gesturing with her thumb over her shoulder, towards the kitchen.
‘I’ll keep you company,’ Brandon proffered, indicating that she should lead the way.
Brandon settled himself onto one of the breakfast bar stools and watched his sister work, with his elbows on the table and fingers all meeting in line with his lips. Paige had her back to him as she worked, relating all the activities they’d got up to in the last week.
‘I’m glad you had a good time,’ Brandon said, interjecting.
‘Yes, it was lovely to have them. My friend Taylor came with us on one of the hikes, they seemed to like her.’
‘Friend?’ Brandon said pointedly. Paige rolled her eyes.
‘Just a friend, Bran,’ she said, exasperated. ‘I think she now knows a lot more about dinosaurs than she did last week.’
‘Ha, yeah, he’s really into his dinosaurs right now.’ Brandon smiled.
‘Not anymore, now it seems to be insects.’
‘Lucy will love that!’ Brandon laughed, then paused. ‘Have you noticed anything... different, about him? About either of them?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I dunno. Like... anything unusual, like you wouldn’t expect a child to do?’
‘I have limited experiences of children, so I have no expectations,’ Paige stated, still chopping up some cucumber.
‘It’s just... the school wants to get them assessed.’
‘Assessed?’
‘For autism.’
‘Ow!’ Paige said loudly. She’d cut her finger while slicing up the cucumber and now she was getting blood everywhere. ‘Damn it!’ she said, sticking her finger in her mouth and sucking the blood away. ‘Can you get me a plaster?’ she mumbled without withdrawing the digit. Brandon hopped down from the barstool and began searching the utility room.
‘Where are they?’ he shouted back at Paige.
‘In the big cupboard, top right.’
‘Got them.’
Once back in the kitchen he extracted a plaster form the box and carefully peeled off the back. Paige offered the injured finger, and he carefully wrapped the plaster around it, taking care to keep her knuckle joint free from restraint. Paige thanked him, but didn’t go back to the chopping board.
‘Why do the school think they’re autistic?’ she asked.
‘I dunno,’ he said, ‘they say that they like putting things in order, aren’t doing too well socially, and their communication is a bit delayed.’
‘Really? How can they say that? Cayden even talks in his sleep!’
‘I know, I know, that’s what I thought. But if you listen to him, he’s not actually making conversation most of the time. He’s speaking at you, not with you.’ Brandon sighed, got to his feet, and started pacing around the kitchen.
‘I
just... why do they have to put a label on it? They’re just kids. They’ll grow out of it,’ he said, raising his voice slightly.
‘But what if they don’t?’ Paige asked gently. Brandon didn’t reply. ‘It’s been suggested, recently, that I might be autistic.’ Brandon remained silent, but sat down again, putting his head in his hands. ‘Now I’m no psychologist, but as far as I understand it, it isn’t something a person grows out of.’
‘I know that,’ Brandon said, picking his head up. ‘Don’t you think I know that? But I’m their dad, I’m supposed to protect them from the bad stuff. I can’t protect them from this, from how the world won’t be kind to them because they’re a bit different.’
‘No, you can’t,’ Paige said, walking over to her brother and putting a hand on his shoulder. ‘But you can help them learn how to deal with it, and teach them that they are great, just the way they are.’
‘They are pretty great, aren’t they?’ Brandon said with a soft smile. ‘Thank you, Paige.’
He stood up and gave his sister another massive hug, almost squeezing the air out of her. She tapped him pointedly and he let her go, and she went back to chopping vegetables.
‘Do you think you’re autistic?’ Brandon asked after a few minutes of silence.
‘I’ve not really thought about it much. I did an online thing which suggested I might be, but what does it matter if I am? I’ve got this far.’
‘You’re right, it doesn't matter. But don't you want to know, for sure?’
‘It would be nice. To have an explanation for my little “quirks”, as my department head called it.’
‘She said that?’
‘Yeah.’
‘It’s a good thing I wasn’t there, she’d have had a piece of my mind,’ Brandon said angrily.
‘I don’t need you to fight my battles, Brandon.’
‘I know, and you know I wouldn’t, at least not without speaking to you first. But it’s not just my kids I feel like I have to protect. I’m your big bro, I’ve always got your back.’
‘I know. Now,’ Paige said, picking up a damp sponge and throwing it at him, ‘do me a favour and make a start on the washing up.’
‘Yes, boss!’ Brandon said with a wink.
The two siblings worked quickly, and soon they were just waiting on the lasagne. Paige leant back against the counter and looked at her brother. He had always had this overprotective streak and she worried it would go too far, when it came to the kids, if they did turn out to be autistic. She hoped that Lucy would balance him out with her more practical mind. She suddenly stood upright again.
‘Where are my manners!’ she exclaimed. ‘Do you want a drink, Bran? I’ll go and check with Lucy and the kids.’
Paige dashed to the living room, where the doorway framed the beautiful picture of Lucy sitting on the floor with Susie in her lap, while Cayden showed her all the pictures in his new bug book. Paige was reluctant to interrupt, but Lucy looked up and saw her.
‘Thank you for getting Cayden the book and magnifying glass. He’s so happy.’
‘That’s OK, but it was my friend Taylor who got him the magnifying glass,’ Paige responded.
‘Well, we’ll have to make sure we write a thank you note to Taylor, won’t we, Cayden?’ she asked.
‘Did you know there are forty-six different types of ladybirds in this country?’ he said, by way of response. Lucy smiled but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
‘Would you like anything to drink, Lucy?’ Paige asked.
‘Tea would be great, if you have any.’
‘Coming right up. I’ll get these two some water, too.’
‘Thanks, Paige,’ Lucy said, before turning her attention back to the book that Cayden was now shoving under her face.
Later that night, after her family had left, Paige began the arduous task of cleaning up after the whirlwind that was her niece and nephew. The toys that she had carefully arranged in their rooms were spread all over the house, there were dirty handprints on seemingly every bit of glass, and she was sure there was something ground into the carpet by a tiny foot. But it had been so worth it. Spending time with them reminded her to try and see the world through optimistic eyes, seeing joy everywhere and always looking for opportunities for fun and for play.
She stripped the beds and put all the bedding on to wash before giving up for the night and sitting down in front of the television to unwind. It wasn’t long before she realised that just television wasn’t going to cut it, and she made herself a gin and tonic. Just as she sat back down again, her phone started ringing. It was Maya, but just a phone call rather than a video call this time.
‘Hey Maya, what’s up?’ Paige said as she answered, closing her eyes.
‘Hey, lovely, how’re you?’ Maya replied, avoiding the question.
‘I’m OK. Tired. The kids have only just left.’
‘How was their visit?’
‘It was great, though I am looking forward to having some time to myself. How was work?’
‘Actually, lovely, that’s why I’m calling. They’ve given me a moving date.’
‘Oh?’ Paige said, putting her glass down and sitting more upright on the sofa. ‘When?’
‘Two weeks tomorrow,’ Maya said hesitantly.
‘Two... two weeks?’
‘I know, I know, it’s soon, but they want to get the office up and running as quickly as possible, and it’s such a great opportunity for me, I’ve got to do it. You understand?’
‘I understand. It is a fantastic opportunity,’ Paige forced out.
‘Do you need to go do your pacing thing?’
‘Please,’ Paige said before abruptly hanging up. She picked up her drink again and downed it, before getting up to pour herself another one. This time she didn’t sit back down, but instead started pacing back and forth in her living room, shaking her free hand as she walked. The kids had been a change, and Maya was really leaving, and she might be autistic, and novel-writing wasn’t going well, and it was all too much. She unintentionally made her free hand into a fist and started thumping it against her chest, the slightly hollow sound reverberating up through her neck and down into her stomach. The regular beat of the thumping distracted her from the derailing train speeding through her head, bellowing as it did so. She put her drink back down on the table and used that hand to tap the side of her leg; a chaotic percussion performance that helped her regulate the pressure in her head.
Eventually she stopped pacing. She sat down in the corner of the sofa. She brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Her body still rocked slightly, but her head was slowing down. Sooty came waltzing into the room, stretching as he did so, and curled up next to her. When the expected stroking didn’t come, he nuzzled into her, butting her until she paid him attention. The texture of his smooth fur under her fingertips helped ground her. She could feel his purring vibrating through her leg and was grateful for his company. She knew he would pretend it was pure coincidence he was sat with her, but he was always there when she got like this. His presence always helped calm her down, to the point where she often thought she related more to her cat that most humans.
It was nearly midnight by the time Paige eventually dragged herself up from the sofa. Her whole body ached like she had been mown down by a steamroller, and she had a headache that felt like an army of jackhammers was going off across her forehead. The physical toll of her emotions made her grateful that she didn’t have to get up for anything in the morning, having pre-emptively taken a day off, knowing she’d be tired from having the kids over. She somehow made her feet move even though they felt like they had been turned to concrete, and she kept putting one heavy step in front of the other. Looking up the stairs felt like looking up a cliff face harder than she had ever climbed before. She used the handrail to help haul herself up the stairs to bed. Paige made herself brush her teeth even though her senses already felt like they were on fire, and the bristles on the toothbrush felt like nee
dles. The sound they made felt like sandpaper grating against her skin and the smell and taste of the toothpaste burned. But still, she made herself do it.
Once in her room she simply took off her trousers and crawled into bed. She didn’t have the energy to decide what pyjamas to wear, find them, and then get changed. She sent a quick text to Maya apologising and saying that she loved her, then turned her phone off. She pulled the duvet up tight around her neck, huddling under it even though she was quite warm. The streetlight forced its way through the blackout curtains. A cat yowled somewhere in the distance. Sooty jumped up on the bed with a thud, announcing his ungraceful arrival with a little chirp, before making his way up to where Paige’s head poked out from under the duvet. Paige sleepily lifted her arms to allow Sooty under the cover, where he circled around a few times before settling down for the night, pressing himself against Paige’s chest and stomach, his purr becoming a lullaby.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Departures
That weekend Paige was at Maya’s flat. Paige had cleared her schedule so she could spend Maya’s last full weekend in the country with her, helping her pack. Maya was sub-letting her apartment while she was away, so she was putting all her belongings in storage. The flat had turned from a comfortable bachelorette pad into a city of boxes surrounded by mountains of empty furniture. There were lakes of bubble wrap here and there too, with packing tape boats sailing along their shores. Most of Maya’s stuff would be going into storage for when she returned. She had two giant suitcases that she was taking with her on the plane, plus a large crate that had already been shipped out, and would arrive a week or so after she did. That evening the two women had ordered pizza, almost all the kitchenware having been packed already. The smell of fresh dough and melted cheese filled the flat. Maya collapsed dramatically into a particularly big bubble wrap lake and dragged her pizza box toward her.
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