‘Hey,’ Paige said as she walked up to Taylor, standing next to her. Taylor was watching another climber, arms folded in front of her, trying to analyse how that person was moving.
‘Hey yourself,’ Taylor said, glancing sideways at Paige before focusing back on the wall. ‘I didn’t think you were coming tonight?’
‘I wasn’t, originally.’
‘Change of plans?’
‘Kind of,’ Paige said, cryptically. The climber reached the top of the wall and shouted down to the person spotting for them that they were about to jump down. The person stood underneath them had had their arms stretched to the heavens the entire time, waiting to guide the climber if they fell, to ensure they landed on their feet rather than their head. Paige felt Taylor brace beside her. The climber gracefully pushed off the wall and landed with a soft thud, squatting down into a crouch position to absorb the impact, before standing up. They brushed some excess chalk off their hands before gesturing that their spotter should take his turn. Taylor turned to Paige, giving her her full attention now.
‘I’m glad you could make it,’ Taylor said with a smile, her cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink. It reminded Paige of sunsets.
‘Yeah, me too. I think it’s what I needed after being in the office all day.’
‘All day? Try all month!’ Taylor joked. She was right, though. Paige had barely been climbing for the last month, focusing more on her work and editing the first draft of her book. She became so fixated on it, that sometimes she forgot to eat or drink, and it had got to the point where Maya was sending her text reminders to shower.
‘Have you had a go yet?’ Paige asked, knowing Taylor was still nervous about climbing outside, especially without ropes.
‘No, not yet,’ Taylor said, turning back to the wall.
‘You should. Even if you only get a metre off the ground, that’s still something. You can jump down whenever you want.’
‘Yeah, that’s the bit that scares me,’ Taylor said nervously.
‘What can I do to help?’
‘Hmm...’ Taylor lifted a hand to her chin and furrowed her brows. ‘Talk me through it as I’m going? That might help?’
‘Sure. Look, he’s nearly done,’ Paige said, pointing to the climbers they had been watching. ‘Mind if we cut in?’ she said to them. The person on the wall had just jumped down and was breathing heavily. They nodded, putting their hands behind their head to open their lungs up. Taylor looked at Paige before taking a step forward, showing her intention, but not progressing any further.
‘Go on...’ Paige said, giving her a very gentle prod in the back, making her laugh.
‘Alright, alright, I’m going...’ she said, walking up to the base of the rock. Paige could see her hands were shaking, and followed her, ready to spot her if she needed it. Taylor began climbing, very gingerly moving her limbs one at a time. Paige watched as she pinched her fingers into a small crevice, wondering if she had the grip strength yet to maintain that hold. Paige talked her through each move, giving her descriptions of where the various hand and foot holds were, and the further Taylor climbed the more smoothly she moved. Slowly but surely, Taylor made her way to the top. She turned her head slightly to shout down to Paige, and her proud grin quickly turned into a wide-eyed grimace. Her face immediately turned white.
‘I shouldn’t have done that!’ she said, turning back to face the wall, hugging it tightly.
‘It’s OK, I’ve got you,’ Paige shouted up, arms outstretched.
‘I’m good here!’ Taylor said, scrunching her eyes closed and gripping the wall even tighter.
‘You’ve got to come down sometime!’
‘I know. OK... hooo... deep breath’ Taylor coached herself, before pushing off the wall and heading towards the crash mat. Her positioning was fine, but Paige couldn’t help reaching out to her, her hands gently touching the sides of her torso as she plummeted downward. Taylor absorbed the impact by bending her knees, but lost her balance at the last minute and fell over sideways onto the mat.
‘Well done!’ Paige said grinning and offering her a hand up.
‘Thanks,’ Taylor said, using Paige’s hand to pull herself to her feet, before dusting herself off. ‘I still think I prefer using ropes!’
‘You get used to it,’ Paige said, as she approached the wall for her turn. ‘You got me?’ she said, looking over her shoulder at Taylor. Taylor jolted forward as if the request was unexpected, raising her arms to the sky before Paige had even left the ground. Paige laughed to herself and started climbing. She could feel the grainy texture of the rock under her fingertips, and smell the slightly metallic scent they always had when it had rained recently. The sound of other climbers chatting away drifted up to her, and she could feel the tension radiating off Taylor, even if she couldn’t see her. Paige knew she was more than capable, and it was just an issue of confidence. The higher she climbed the quieter it got, until she could hear the wind whispering as it came over the top of the rock face, bringing with it the scent of grass and pollen. The cloudless blue sky beckoned to her as she made her way upwards, reaching the top of the rock face in no time at all.
‘Ready?’ she shouted down to Taylor.
‘Ready!’
So she jumped. But as she did so, she caught her foot on a rock that was jutting out of the rock face, and it tilted her dangerously horizontally. She tried to correct her positioning in the air but as it was such a low wall there wasn’t enough time. Suddenly Paige felt warm hands on her back, guiding her body back to vertical, and she landed on her heels, completely off-balance, falling backwards. The warm hands, more callused than they had been nine months ago, slid up her back and cradled her head to make sure she didn’t hit it on any protruding stones. Eventually her momentum stopped.
‘Ooof! Thanks,’ she smiled at Taylor before springing to her feet, the hibernating butterflies in her stomach waking up from the close physical contact. It must have been written across her face, because Taylor quickly turned red and muttered, ‘No problem,’ grinning sheepishly.
They climbed for another hour or so after that, until the light began to fade, and safety became an issue; though a few brave (or foolish) souls carried on. Paige and Taylor walked back to the car park together, walking much closer than necessary. A couple of times their hands swung so close together Paige could have sworn electricity jumped from one woman to the other. By the time they reached the cars the sun was just teasing the horizon and the sky had started to change into beautiful pinks and purples. Paige opened her car boot and sat down on the edge of it, taking out her water bottle and having a drink, watching the sunset. Taylor sat down next to her at a respectful distance. Both women rested their hands on the lip of the boot.
‘How come you changed your mind about tonight?’ Taylor asked, still looking at the multi-coloured sky.
‘I needed to see you, to ask a favour,’ Paige said, turning her head to look at Taylor. Taylor’s face turned towards her as if magnetised.
‘What’s up?’
‘You know I mentioned maybe being autistic?’ Paige said hesitantly. They hadn’t really talked about the A word since the day the argued, other than when Taylor briefly skirted around it when apologising.
‘I remember, and once again I’m sorry -’
‘I know,’ Paige said, earnestly, reaching out and putting her hand over Taylor’s. ‘I know.’ She could see Taylor’s eyes shimmer slightly in the sunset, and her shoulders relaxed as if a rubber band inside her had finally broken.
‘They’ve moved my assessment from November to tomorrow. You may not have noticed, because I am good at hiding it,’ Paige said sarcastically, ’but I really struggle with new places and people. Maya was supposed to be coming with me, but she is in Japan...’ Paige trailed off, hoping Taylor would understand what she was asking. She hated having to ask for help with things like this. But Taylor just watched her, waiting for her to finish her sentence.
‘Would you come with me?’ she said he
lplessly, a slight quiver in her voice.
Taylor put her free hand on top of Paige’s and squeezed tight.
‘Yes, of course. Just let me know the time and place.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
The Assessment
The Blue Forest Centre waiting room was cold and quiet. The stained blue carpet had patches where rips had been duct taped over. Mismatched chairs were lined up in rows; injured soldiers about to go on parade. Every now and again the water cooler bubbled, almost like it was drowning and gulping for air. At the far end of the room there was a low table, with even lower, brightly coloured chairs, and an eclectic assortment of toys in various states of disrepair. There were only two other people waiting, sat diagonally from each other, trying to distance themselves from the situation. The windowpanes had a thin grid sandwiched in between them to prevent the glass shattering if broken, almost like the imprint of a cage. There was no annoying background music. Just the occasional shuffling in seats or deep sigh.
Paige had arranged for her and Taylor to arrive fifteen minutes before her allotted appointment time. Taylor had picked Paige up on the way. The two women sat next to each other in the front row of the chairs, waiting for the show to start. Paige was aware of every single movement Taylor made; every sly glance, every parting of the lips when she tried to speak but then thought better of it. Paige un-crossed and re-crossed her legs multiple times, shifting in her seat, unable to settle. The heavy door creaked open as a smartly dressed young doctor came to retrieve one of the other people in the room. They didn’t use words. They just smiled politely at their patient and nodded. The patient slowly got to their feet and dragged themselves out of the room, a condemned prisoner accepting their fate.
Paige took out her phone, ostensibly to see if Maya or Brandon had texted, but really it was just to distract herself from the situation she was in. She had read quite a bit about the assessment process when she had first gone to the doctors, and she knew it was likely this was the first of multiple appointments, each of which would take in the region of two hours. Her insides felt like they were twisted, contorted by some unseen force beyond her control. She felt a jolt travel down her arm, a surge commanding her to take Taylor’s hand, but she resisted, taking a deep breath instead.
‘Are you OK?’ Taylor asked, for the twentieth time that afternoon.
‘Yes, fine,’ Paige lied, grinding her teeth together. She knew she wasn’t fooling anyone.
The heavy door into the room swung open once more, and an older-looking lady came in with a clipboard, peering at it through small-lensed glasses balanced on the end of her nose. A beaded glasses chain swung underneath each slender metal arm.
‘Paige Spencer?’ the older lady called out, looking up, eyes darting between Paige and Taylor.
‘That’s me,’ Paige said, standing up reluctantly. She took a couple of steps before realising Taylor wasn’t following her. ‘Coming?’
‘Oh, yes, of course, sorry,’ she replied, immediately scrambling for her jacket and bag. Taylor quickly fell into stride beside Paige as they followed the older woman down a long corridor.
‘They said on the phone I had to bring someone with me,’ Paige whispered to Taylor. ‘I think they want to ask you questions, too’
‘What do you want me to say, or not say?’
‘Just the truth is fine,’ Paige said, forcing herself to smile. She hadn’t meant to spring this on Taylor, she had just sort of assumed Taylor understood she would be involved in the appointment itself.
The corridor seemed to stretch on for miles, and they had to make their way through several sets of heavy doors, each one opened by key card and locking loudly behind them as they went. Eventually they rounded a corner and the older lady led them through an open door, into a sparse consulting room. There were two soft chairs sat facing each other, with a table in the middle. There was a primed and ready box of tissues prominently placed on the table's centre. Taylor took the seat off to the side, shifting it slightly before she sat down, so Paige would still be able to see her. Paige sat down in the corner-most seat, assuming that the psychologist would want the one by her desk. She looked around, taking in all the mental health and learning disability posters dotted all over the walls. There were some crude artworks on the wall opposite the desk. Paige assumed they were there to offer distraction to those who needed it; she thought they just looked ugly.
‘Right, Paige, my name is Pamela, I’m a psychologist specialising in autism.’ The older woman took out a notepad and rested it on top of the clip board, pen poised and ready. ‘And who do you have with you today?’ she asked with a sickly smile.
‘Taylor. She’s a friend,’ Paige replied, addressing the floor.
‘Mmm-hmm, no family members today? It really is helpful if we can speak to a family member. Your parents perhaps?’
‘My parents live hours away.’
‘Ah, OK, you no longer live with your parents’ Pamela said, jotting that down like it was vital.
Pamela spent the next ten minutes confirming all the information she had on her form about Paige, such as address, occupation, and other medical conditions. It was then that it dawned on Paige how personal this was likely to get, and she looked across hesitantly at Taylor. Taylor smiled back reassuringly. Soon the actual assessment started, beginning with Pamela slowly reading out all the questions on the online test Paige had already done. The questions were so badly worded, but when Paige tried to answer them more accurately than the test allowed, Pamela insisted on giving her all the options, from strongly disagree to strongly agree, for every single question. There were over fifty of them. Paige was struggling to keep the frustration out of her voice. Her hands were balled into fists resting on top of her thighs. She risked a glance at Taylor, who rolled her eyes, making Paige have to stifle a laugh.
After they had run through this test, and a couple of others, Pamela started asking Paige about her childhood. Had she had many friends growing up? Had she partaken in imaginative play? Did she remember enjoying lining up her toys? Paige answered as best she could, but her memories from the ages Pamela was asking about were hazy. Pamela then asked about special interests as a child, and if she had any now as an adult.
‘I don’t think so,’ Paige said, shrugging her shoulders.
‘What about...’Pamela said, riffling through the paper on her clipboard. ‘You’re a history teacher, right?’
‘Lecturer.’
‘Right, lecturer. It sounds to me like history is a special interest. And you climb multiple times a week?’
‘Yes, but as far as I am aware, that is called a hobby,’ Paige said sarcastically. Taylor snorted and unsuccessfully tried to hide it with a cough. Pamela didn’t say anything, instead she scribbled furiously on her notepad. Paige took that opportunity to straighten out her expression into one of seriousness.
‘And how did you find school?’ Pamela ask, the sweetness in her voice having a sour undertone.
‘It was alright,’ Paige said, unsure of what she was really asking.
‘Did you have many friends? Did you do well, or did you struggle? How did you get on with the teachers? Were you last picked for teams?’ Pamela probed with rapid-fire questioning. Paige folded her arms over her chest and resisted the temptation to tuck her legs up in front of her. School had been OK, really. She wasn’t bullied that badly, she tried to rationalise. And so what if she felt she got on better with her teachers than her peers? That didn’t mean anything. She did often get picked last for teams, even though she was one of the fastest runners in her year. She excelled academically, working way above what was expected of her age group, but that was a good thing, wasn’t it? Why did it feel like Pamela was accusing her of something? She tried explaining all of this to Pamela, but the words were coming out of her mouth in fits and starts, creating a jumbled mess that the psychologist would have to sift through. Paige pulled at the neckline of her T-shirt and noticed how dry her throat felt.
‘We’ve
been at this nearly an hour now, do you need a break?’ Pamela asked, putting her clipboard down and trying to make eye contact with Paige. It felt like a violent intrusion.
‘I just need a drink, that’s all,’ Paige said, springing out of her seat as if it was suddenly electrified.
‘There’s a water cooler at the end of the hall.’
Paige was almost through the door by the time she finished speaking. She looked pointedly at Taylor before disappearing.
Taylor caught up with her by the water cooler, where Paige was chugging water as if she had just come back from the desert.
‘Are you OK?’ Taylor asked once again.
‘Fine. It was just warm in there,’ Paige said, glancing across at a jacket-wearing Taylor.
‘I’m not sure I like her,’ Taylor said, leaning casually against the wall. ‘I don’t like the way she speaks to you.’
‘Me neither. I am not a child.’
‘I know, right? She tried to get me to stay when you left, so she could talk to me in private. I said I wasn’t comfortable talking about you behind your back, and left.’
‘Thank you,’ Paige said earnestly.
‘What are friends for?’ Taylor replied, giving Paige a gentle nudge, her eyes twinkling.
Paige gave herself a few minutes’ break by the water cooler, staff members smiling politely at her as they passed, Taylor smiling back but looking like she would square up to anyone who challenged them. Eventually Paige took a deep breath and began the short walk back to the consulting room.
The Face of It Page 23