by S P Dawes
“So why do you think your Mum and Dad are so happy?”
Jesse looked at her a little surprised; it wasn’t something he had expected her to ask.
“What’s their secret?”
Jesse shrugged, “I suppose they just fit, they’ve been through stuff in the past but it’s never broken them.” He thought about their relationship over the years. How they had changed, but weathered every storm together, their love for each other dependable. He couldn’t remember witnessing them ever arguing, but he supposed they’d done that behind closed doors, not in front of him or his brother. “I think they probably have the three fundamental ingredients.”
Hayley looked at him, interested, smirking because she was sure he was just going to say something insanely silly.
“Loyalty, honesty and trust.”
Her brow furrowed. “OK, I’ll bite, explain,” she said kicking the sand in front of her.
“They kind of speak for themselves. I don’t suppose you can really love someone until you have those three things.” Looking from her to the sea, he watched the movement, thinking about how calm he felt.
“Loyalty is over-rated,” said Hayley finally. Thinking about it for a while, before she spoke, the only loyalty she had ever known had been forced on her. The sect had often made her do things she didn’t want to; all in the name of loyalty and allegiance.
“How so?” Asked Jesse, arching his brow looking at her for an explanation. “Surely if you’re with someone, you can expect them to stay true to you. Be there for you if you needed them, and not shag your best mate, that type of thing.”
Hayley stopped walking. Turning to him, she saw he was coming from a different angle than her.
“I didn’t mean it gave you the option to be a bitch whenever the need took you. What she did was just plain wrong.”
Jesse looked away, knowing he wasn’t quite ready to talk in depth about feelings he’d tried to put to the back of his mind, especially with someone who he was trying to open up. She didn’t need his woes on top of her own. He gestured her to keep walking.
“I just meant people always tell you to do stuff to show loyalty, and they don’t care whether you want to.”
“I think maybe you’re confusing Loyalty with narcissism,” he interjected. “You should never have to do something you don’t want to do. That’s called respect.”
“You didn’t mention respect,” she mumbled, smiling.
“OK, four things,” he said realising his mistake. “Loyalty, honesty, trust and respect,” he concluded, liking the sound of that.
“Well, I think your mum and dad are lucky if they found all that in one another.”
Jesse stole a glance at her, but she was gazing at the sea, watching the waves coming in. “Well, it’s what I’m looking for too.”
She wanted to look into those deep blue eyes and get lost, but she kept them on the waves. It was safer. Letting go of his hand, she moved closer to the sea, touching it with her foot, as the tide came back in.
“It’s still cold,” she said, remembering earlier when he had drenched her.
Jesse stood watching her as the wind swayed her dress. It was always stronger, closer to the sea, and the breeze was whipping her hair up too, revealing those big blue eyes every time it carried itself away from her face. Realising she captivated him; he couldn’t help but laugh. When she caught him smiling at her, she went all shy, making him want her even more. Her vulnerability spurred on his protectiveness, and she didn’t understand what she was doing to him, which fascinated him. How could someone with so much power not realise it? He needed to ask her so many questions, but today wasn’t the time.
On the way back home, Hayley reminisced over the day they had shared, memories she wanted to lock up and be able to open up on days she needed encouragement. She’d never had so much fun. Their time on the beach, the fish and chips, crazy golf with a mad pirate sound track playing repeatedly, made her smile. Remembering Jesse singing along to it, before realising what he was doing, following the steps on dance revolution, where he caught her before falling off the platform. Air hockey and Mario cart in the arcade, and sharing a mars bar milkshake from the café. The lattes on the sand and even the fairground rides. He had dragged her in the sea and she’d completely drenched her jeans so she had had to change into her dress halfway through the day. She’d done nothing but laugh all day, but now she was shattered and the movement of the car was rocking her to sleep. She could feel her eyelids growing heavier.
Once asleep, Jesse turned the radio on, lowering it enough to hear but not to wake her. The news flicked on. A report of a drugs overdose played out, he wondered momentarily if that was about his case. Switching channels, he found some music, glancing every so often to watch Hayley sleep. I’m yours by Bruno Mars sang through the car and it summed up his day well. He couldn’t keep the smile from his face.
Pulling into his parent’s drive, Hayley stirred. “We’re home.”
Hayley tried to focus; she must have fallen into a deeper sleep than she expected.
“You ready for this?” He asked her, looking up at the house.
Hayley screwed her face up, wondering what he was talking about. Until he took her hand in his and kissed her knuckles. Suddenly realising what he meant, her eyes widened.
“I could stop in the car for a few minutes, make it look like we’ve not arrived together?” She said, still trying to focus.
“Why, you ashamed of me?”
Hayley was just about to protest till she saw the smirk on his face.
Leaning over, he kissed her, “Come on.”
Exiting the car, Hayley followed him up the slab path and round the back of the house. In the garden his family stood with drinks in their hands, hovering round the drum barrel BBQ. Music was playing from the kitchen through the open window. Looking towards them Hayley tried to drop Jesse’s hand, but he clung onto it, smiling when she looked towards him.
Marie and Michael shared a knowing look. Caitlin’s jaw dropped while Rob just stared at his brother, before breaking out into a grin.
“So, you two?” Asked Rob finally, pointing to both of them with a beer in his hand.
“Get me a beer, Rob.” Jesse stated in a way that brook no argument. He had felt Hayley stiffen beside him and needed her to relax before they interrogated her.
Rob ran through to the kitchen and retrieved one, handing it to Jesse. “Hales, what do you want to drink?”
She shrugged.
“There’s wine, Pimm's, beer?”
“Wine’s fine.”
Rob jumped back in and poured her a glass from the opened bottle in the fridge.
“Where did you go?” Asked his Dad, checking the steaks on the BBQ.
“Just to Mablethorpe. Thought it was as good a day as any.” Looking up at the bright blue sky, squinting.
“Don’t blame you. Steaks are ready, and burgers are nearly there, if you want one. Cobs are in the kitchen.” Jesse let go of her hand, looking at her to check she was OK.
She gave a faint nod, but she looked far from comfortable.
“Hi,” said Caitlin, while strolling over to her.
Hayley looked back to the doorway. Jesse was still inside.
“So, when did you two get together?”
Hayley’s heart beat erratically, praying Jesse would come out soon as she pasted a smile on her face. “Not long.”
“Nice to see you’ve got your own boyfriend,” said Caitlyn snidely.
Staring at one another, Caitlyn broke the contact when Jesse reappeared.
“Everything OK?” Whispered Jesse, handing Hayley a burger.
Hayley smiled weakly and nodded, watching Caitlyn wrap herself around Rob.
“Hey!” looking back to him, he searched her eyes as if to find the truth. “Ignore whatever that little snake said, OK?”
This time she couldn’t help but smile. She was glad to know she wasn’t the only one that thought so.
“What did yo
u get up to at the beach?” Asked Marie, walking over to them both, holding a glass of wine.
“I just showed Hayley the sights,” replied Jesse.
Hayley couldn’t help smirking, and Jesse caught her mouthing ‘What?’
“Bet that didn’t take long,” laughed his dad. Another stifled laugh from Hayley made Jesse glare at her in jest. “It doesn’t change, that place.” Michael smiled, remembering holidays with the boys playing on the sand, digging holes, and burying each other or him.
“Did you have doughnuts?” Asked his Mum, like she was reliving the experience of sugar on her lips.
“Course we did,” replied Jesse, steering Hayley to the deck chairs passed the BBQ set out on the lawn. Taking a seat, Jesse took the one closest to her, in full view of his dad’s BBQ entertainment, which included him flipping meat to the tune of the music and giving a brief hip shake for good measure.
“Did you show Hayley the crazy golf?” Hayley and Jesse both laughed, Jesse had pre-warned her about crazy golf as it had been one of his family’s greatest haunts.
“Oh, the hours we spent on that course.” Marie reminisced, sitting back in her own chair, as if she could see the footage in the clouds. “Do you remember when Rob-”
“Threw the club in the sea!” called out Jesse and Michael in unison.
“It always comes back to the club.” Rob joked, having heard that story a million times.
“Cost me an arm and a bloody leg, that’s why son.” Michael explained, scolding him further.
Rob just flicked his wrist while the rest of them laughed. “That boy could strop for England, Hayley. There was one hole-”
“Number Nine!” cheered Marie and Jesse, bursting out laughing again.
“Yeah, number bloody nine, if you reached that hole and Rob got a hole in one, you knew you were in for a good day. But by God, if that boy missed, it meant he’d have to take about fifteen trial shots, five fits and make about a million excuses. And it would always end with him in a foul mood, stomping off like it was everyone else’s fault he couldn’t hit the damn ball.” Hayley watched Rob smirking and going a shade of pink.
“The trouble was that bloody hole was a one-shot wonder or a bloody minefield.” Rob argued.
Jesse shook his head before taking a sip of his beer, and then they all burst out laughing again.
“Christ, Hayley, that course was the epitome of our holidays, and it all came down to that hole, and how well we enjoyed it,” explained Marie, while they all stifled giggles at Rob’s expense, who was taking it all on the chin with a smile of his own. It was clear he’d received ridicule about this before.
“What can I say?” He asked. “I was a competitive kid,” he answered, winking at Hayley. Caitlyn immediately scowled, evidently not missing the gesture.
“Where did your family used to go on holiday?” Asked Marie.
“I... we... err...” Hayley stuttered, unsure how to answer the question honestly without causing a can of worms to open up. Looking towards Jesse for help, she realised he couldn’t really do anything.
“Sorry, I just need to do something,” excusing herself, Hayley made her way to the house. She didn’t know what was wrong with her, she should just tell them the truth, but she didn’t want them to feel differently towards her.
Marie and Michael had done everything to make her feel welcome by including her in their plans and mealtimes, even before Jesse had told them they were together. But her past stifled her and wasn’t something she could easily discuss over burgers and beer. Telling herself she was making the best decision for everyone, she just had to get out of there. Sitting down on the bed she’d been occupying since the flat was being refurbished, she held her head in her hands, willing herself to get a grip.
Rob looked from the doorway to Jesse and back, asking him what was wrong without saying anything. Caitlyn was discussing wedding arrangements for their upcoming nuptials with Marie and Michael, too engrossed with the details to acknowledge Rob following Jesse inside. Closing the door behind him, and leaning on it, he kept his voice hushed, unaware of where Hayley was in the house.
“What’s going on?”
Jesse shut the door to the hallway to contain the noise. “What do you mean?”
Rob’s face portrayed that he shouldn’t have to ask.
“It’s new; we’re just seeing how it goes.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”
Jesse rubbed his jaw, trying to think about what to divulge.
“Is she OK?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. Just been a long day,” Jesse answered, turning back to the door leading to the stairs.
“Jess, do I have to remind you she ran out of my place because some psycho turned up at my door, someone she knows?”
“I was there, remember?”
“Really? Do you?” Rob wasn’t so sure. “What about the guy at the supermarket?”
“Rob, back off!” Warned Jesse, spinning round on him, pointing his finger at him to make his point.
“Jess, I don’t want you getting hurt.”
Jesse dropped his finger, running a hand through his hair.
“Caitlyn thinks she’s trouble and I’m starting to think she might be right,”
“Rob, you have no idea, and as far as Caitlyn’s concerned, I couldn’t give a flying fuck what she thinks.” Jesse yanked the door open, walking through it.
“What’s she done to piss you off?” Asked Rob, confused.
“Why don’t you ask her, Rob?” Jesse called back as he mounted the stairs.
Upstairs, Jesse tapped on Hayley’s door, then gently pushed it open. He could see Hayley lying across the bed, chest down, staring at the wall. “You OK?”
Hayley turned her head to see him. He could see she had been crying. Sitting up on the bed, she attempted to dry her eyes on the quilt cover.
“What’s wrong?” Asked Jesse, closing the door, stepping towards her.
“I don’t know.” She felt foolish, crying because she was suddenly part of something. A family, she just didn’t know how to cope and exist within.
Jesse moved stray hairs behind her ear so he could see her.
“What do you mean you don’t know?” He didn’t understand, but desperately wanted to make it better.
“I’ve never done this,” she said wiping her nose on a piece of screwed up toilet paper that she clenched in her hand.
“Done what?”
“This! Us! Them!” Hayley knew she wasn’t making any sense. “I don’t know what to do!”
“Hayley, you’ve lost me.”
Looking at Jesse, she realised he really didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. “I can’t explain it.” Wiping her eyes again, she sniffed in her tissue. “Your mum and dad are so nice, and Rob’s lovely and Caitlyn’s Caitlyn,” she said rolling her eyes trying to smile. “I’ve just never had something like this. I’ve never had family, people sitting round a BBQ and just discussing their day, and being friendly and open.”
Jesse couldn’t help but laugh, so she slapped him on the shoulder.
“It’s not funny, I sound like an idiot.”
Jesse put his arm round her and rested his head on hers.
“You’d think I’d be happy to be part of something. But I just don’t know what to say.” Unable to stop the tears, she wiped more away. “Then your mum asked me about family holidays. The minute I say I didn’t have any, she’s going to think I’m some deprived kid, who needs looking after.”
“You are,” he laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “I think you’re reading too much into it. It’s just a BBQ, and Mum and Dad are friendly to everyone, Rob’s a knob and Caitlyn well… if you need someone to make you feel less welcome, then she’s your girl.”
Hayley couldn’t help but laugh. “I feel like such a prat,” she said, wiping her cheeks.
“You are,” he laughed, and she slapped him. “I could get you arrested for assaulting a police officer if you carry on.�
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She gave him a look that told him to stop joking around with her, but then taking her face in his hands he made her look at him.
“Stop over thinking, and just be yourself.”
Closing her eyes to steady her breathing, she felt his lips on hers, like a feather. She could smell the beer on his breath. And then he held the back of her neck while they explored each other’s mouths. Letting go, he told her to wash her face, and he’d take her down.
Outside Rob and Caitlyn were talking about the car they were going to book for the wedding, and that they’d had a drive around in it earlier that day. Michael was adding corn on the cob to the BBQ, and Marie was asking Caitlyn for every detail of what she wanted to see at the wedding.
Jesse walked out in to the garden holding Hayley’s hand, gently squeezing it for reassurance as she followed him.
“If you want another drink girl, just grab one off the side,” said Michael, turning the sausages over.
Hayley smiled and nodded. When she was looking down the garden in front of her, Michael gave Jesse a look to ask if she was OK. Jesse nodded slightly before grabbing a rib off the plate his Dad held out to him.
Marie came running over. “Hayley love, I forgot something came for you today.” She hopped inside and was back out within seconds, handing her an envelope as she walked back over to Rob and Caitlyn.
Hayley held it in her hands, turning it over, as though it may hold some clue as to where it came from and what was inside. Looking at Jesse, she saw he was equally concerned.
“Something important?” Asked Michael.
Jesse shook his head. Taking it from her shaking hands, he slipped it in his back pocket of his jeans. Marie handed Hayley a drink, and she thanked her, still looking at Jesse, unsure what he would do with it.
“I’m going to turn the music up,” said Rob, running past them. He ran in the house and a few minutes later the music boomed from the kitchen via large speaker. Rob grabbed his mum on the way out, swinging her around to the beat, laughing so hard she could barely keep upright. He grabbed Caitlyn and did the same, then his dad took over.