by S P Dawes
Three hours later they were told Hayley could move to a ward bed until the paediatrician could make her rounds and check on the baby. All outward signs were good, and the midwife told them they would keep a close eye on him in case anything changed, but the medication they drip fed him at the moment was helping to stabilise his premature lungs.
“Sorry it’s not more romantic,” apologised Jesse, whilst placing mother and baby products on her bedside table.
He had rushed out while Hayley was being made comfortable to make sure she and the baby would have everything they needed. Hayley smiled, but it didn’t meet her eyes and he was unsure whether it was because of fatigue or something else. “He’s beautiful.”
Hayley looked away, knotting the covers in her hands.
“What are you going to call him?” Looking back at him, she tried to stop her bottom lip from trembling.
“Satan.” In her attempt to make a joke, she tore at something inside her and it caught in her throat as she tried to fight the urge to scream.
“It’s not his fault, Hayley.”
Hayley didn’t want to hear it, although her head told her he was right. She couldn’t get past the feelings of anger. Brute force had put him there and arrived in pain that alone told her everything she needed to know. He wasn’t welcome.
Late in the evening, the next day, the paediatrician walked into the cubicle with a stethoscope around her neck.
Introducing herself, she explained the procedure she would carry out to check all the bay’s limbs were working correctly and listen to his heart and lungs for any signs of abnormality.
Hayley watched Jesse wince as the doctor manoeuvred the baby’s legs. But she still felt nothing. Part of her hoped they would find something that would cause them taking him away. After the checks were all carried out and they administered his vitamin k, she announced that she was happy for them to leave the hospital. Hayley just about acknowledged that she had heard, suddenly panicking. Where was she going to go? She couldn’t be left alone with the baby; they couldn’t expect her to care for it, could they?
“We got everything?” Asked Jesse.
Hayley grabbed the paperwork from the bed and Jesse lifted the bag before she could take hold of it. He also carried the baby car seat that he had bought earlier. The Midwife led the way to the doors of the hospital and waved them off. Climbing into the front of the car, Jesse tapped the radio on and music filled the car, turning it down a little in case it was too loud for the baby. He pulled away.
Tainted Love played after the news update; Hayley quickly turned it off.
“Everything OK?” Asked Jesse, concerned.
Hayley just nodded and closed her eyes, resting her head back on the headrest.
When Hayley opened her eyes again, she didn’t recognise her surroundings. “Where are we?” She asked unclipping her seat belt.
“Home,” smiled Jesse, stepping out of the car. Making his way round to her to open the door, he helped her out. “The money came through from the house sale so I put a deposit down on this place, I’ve not been here long, it needs…” Jesse watched Hayley’s face fall. “What’s wrong?”
Tears fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. “Jesse, I don’t even know what I’m doing…”
Jesse wrapped her in his arms and made soothing noises until she stopped crying. She could smell him and feel the heat of his body. It was comforting and familiar. She didn’t let go until she knew she could stem the flow of tears that still threatened to fall. She’d thought he would drop her off at a mother and baby home, she’d honestly believed he was letting her go. Seeing his house was a relief.
“Let’s get inside and grab a cuppa.” He led her to the door and unlocked it. While she walked inside, he went to the car and retrieved carrier car seat.
Hayley gingerly stepped in, opened a door to a dining room revealing a large wooden dresser and a huge pine table and six chairs. Beyond that was a breakfast bar and a kitchen, showcasing a huge range oven in blue with cream cupboards surrounding it, with a huge pot sink and wooden drainer over-looking a large lawn through an enormous window that stood behind the sink. To the right was a door.
Walking to the door and opening it gently, she revealed a living room with two comfy sofas, a large flat screen television stood on a games cabinet and a games console with some discs discarded on the top. The large stone fireplace stood proudly in the middle of the room with a photograph of her and Jesse in a silver frame. Rambling over to it, she picked it up and smiled, remembering the day of the photograph., They had laughed so much; she had been so happy, but as she placed it back down, it tinged her with sadness., Everything was different. She was different.
“You were so happy that day.”
Hayley jumped, not realising Jesse had followed her. Turning she met his gaze, he was smiling, and she knew it was because he had her back. But he had no idea that what he had back was so completely different to what he had missed. She wasn’t the same person anymore. She felt hollow.
“It was a good day,” she said turning back to the photo, trying to keep her voice from being as shaky.
Jesse placed the car seat on the floor and walked the remaining few steps between them, placing his hand on her shoulder. She almost jumped through the roof.
Jesse quickly stepped back and held his hands out in front of him. “I’m sorry,” quickly realising his mistake.
Hayley felt embarrassed of her own reaction to his touch. She hadn’t expected it, and being so absorbed in the photograph had stopped her from sensing he was that close. Rubbing her arms, she steadied her breathing.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You didn’t, I just…” but she was unable to finish the sentence, she was unsure how she felt. “Jesse, I can’t do this.” She watched Jesse’s face drain as though someone had taken a knife to him. “Every thing’s changed; I’ve changed.”
Jesse took his steps towards her slowly, leaving his hands up out to the sides. “My love for you hasn’t.” He whispered, watching her face react to his words. “I’ve missed you so much, every day.”
Jesse watched her drop her hip and bite her bottom lip. She’d dropped her eyes from him and wrung her hands in front of her.
“I don’t care how long this takes, how long you take to heal, whatever that takes, I’m here.” He took hold of her hand and placed it flat against his heart.
She could feel his heartbeat under her palm and looked back to his eyes. “I’m here for you, no matter what. You’re safe, till the day this stops beating, you hear me?”
Nodding, she curled into his embrace.
Two weeks had passed and Jesse realised Hayley hadn’t been out once in all her time with him. He was growing concerned for her mental health, he’d had plenty of experience with sexual abuse victims to know that she was withdrawing and hurting in silence. He had spoken to her about counselling but she refused to speak with anyone, even him. He’d decided to leave it allowing her to come round to the idea in her own time.
Jesse opened the door to his mum and dad’s house, greeting his dad in the kitchen.
“Hi, you OK?” Asked Michael watching his son move around the kitchen fixing himself a drink.
“Not really,” answered Jesse. His dad raised his eyebrow and leant on the counter worktop with his arms folded. Jesse stopped moving and took a dining chair out, sitting down. “Demy’s denying everything he’s done to her.”
“Not sure he can, when she has his son,” scoffed Michael.
“He’s requested a DNA test.” Jesse sighed, “I’ve just found out, I’ve not told Hayley yet.”
“What on earth for?” Said Michael, taking his own chair out from under the table and sitting across from his son.
“Probably just to put her through even more shit,” shrugged Jesse. “Hayley’s not coping,” he confided.
Exhausted, the toll of her health was weighing down on him, compounded by sleepless nights from the baby wailin
g in the middle of the night.
“Did you expect her to be?” Michael asked, mildly.
“No, of course not! But I’m worried about her and the baby. She barely notices he’s even there, it’s as though she actually shudders at the thought of holding him.”
“Jesse, she’s been through an ordeal that neither you nor I will ever truly understand. You can’t blame her for not bonding with him. She never wanted him in the first place, certainly not in the way she got him,” explained Michael. “I’m surprised she’s kept him.”
“She wants to let him go,” sighed Jesse, drawing his hand through his hair. “She wants to have him adopted; I talked her into giving it time.”
“And why did you do that?” Asked Michael, making sure he understood what was going through his son’s mind.
“She’ll never forgive herself,” he answered. “She’ll torture herself.”
“You sure that’s the issue here?” Asked his father, watching his son struggle with the question. “Seems to me you’re the one who doesn’t want to let him go.”
Jesse slumped lower in the chair.
“Don’t you think she’s had enough people telling her what to do?”
“What if its postnatal depression?” Asked Jesse.
“What if it’s not?” Warned his Dad. “I know you don’t want her to give up on that little boy, and I know you have an enormous heart and you don’t see him as the problem. He’s an innocent, of course he is.” His father leaned forward as if to make his point more clearly. “But Hayley has been through hell and the person who hurt her the most still holds a piece of himself in that child. I can’t say I blame her for not wanting to be reminded of that.”
“You make me sound selfish,” said Jesse sullenly.
“That’s the last thing I think.”
“We can’t find her sister. She did a bunk at the hospital after giving her false statement. The address she gave is fake, as is the number, plus CCTV shows her leaving with Leeson just before the bust went down. She doesn’t look afraid, she looks confident. I’ve not told Hayley yet; she’s convinced she’s in danger.”
“But you’re not?” Enquired Michael.
“No, neither is Martin after speaking with Darren. He thinks she’s been in on the whole thing, but I’ve no idea how to break that to her, she feels responsible.” Jesse hung his head.
The door opened, and they turned to see the visitor.
“Hayley!” Jesse jumped up.
“Hi, I hope you don’t mind me popping in to see you and Marie,” speaking to Michael, ignoring Jesse.
“Not at all, sweetheart, how are you?”
She gave a polite smile, but it was convincing no one.
“Do you want a cup of tea?” She nodded and Michael looked to Jesse thumbing the kettle over his shoulder while he opened the door to the living room, allowing Hayley to walk in ahead. Michael watched Hayley sit down on the sofa, having left the pram in the kitchen with Jesse.
“Now tell me the truth?” Whispered Michael, knowing that Jesse wasn’t within earshot.
Hayley shrugged, watching him sit down in his chair before answering. “Not great, I wanted to ask you if it would be possible to move back in here, if I needed to, just until I sort stuff out?” watching Michael absorb her words he blew slowly out from his cheeks.
“You think that’s a possibility?”
“I don’t know, but I just feel claustrophobic, it’s not Jesse’s fault and I feel awful…”
Michael just held his hand up to stop her from saying anything else. “Is it the baby?” Watching her nod, her gaze shifted from him to the door.
“When he loves him more than his own mother, that’s not right, is it?” She asked Michael, turning back to him, keeping her voice low. “I can’t be who that baby needs, I can’t bring him up,” she said apologetically.
“You need to speak with Jesse,” she glanced back at the door as it opened, and Jesse handed her and his father a mug of tea.
“He’s just waking up.”
Hayley pursed her lips and fought the urge to roll her eyes. Standing up, she placed the mug on the coffee table and walked back to the kitchen to retrieve her son from his pram. His crying made her heart clamp, but she took him out and asked Michael if it was OK to use a room upstairs to feed him.
“Jesse said you were feeding him,” whispered Marie as she entered Rob’s old room, watching the baby latched onto Hayley, brought memories flooding back. “Would you like a drink? I was always thirsty when I was breastfeeding.”
Hayley nodded, thanking her as she left. Hayley placed her chin gently on the baby’s head. She could smell his sweet Talcon powder smell. She longed to look at her son with the same eyes as everyone else did, she just couldn’t.
A few minutes later Marie returned with a glass of water and on handing it to Hayley realised he had fallen asleep. “May I?” She asked, holding her hands out.
Hayley nodded and rolled him towards Marie so she could take him.
“You know, he looks so much like Jesse at this age, you’d think...” Marie stole a look at Hayley and felt a stab of guilt for what she was about to say. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
Hayley just shook her head and tried to smile again. “I only wish he was,” admitted Hayley quietly.
“Would you like to see some photos?” Asked Marie, she didn’t want to appear insensitive, but she needed to show her something.
“Sure, why not?” Shrugged Hayley standing up from the bed after tidying herself up.
Downstairs at the dining table they flicked through the pages of the old photo album, with biscuits on a plate in the middle with cups of teas where books left space, while the baby slept in his pram. Marie pointed to ones she liked or remembered the details of the most and explained what had been going on. A few minutes later the boys joined them and they all sat round reminiscing. Jesse wondered how much this exercise was helping or hindering Hayley. Sometimes she looked quite happy to be listening to stories, and other times she was miles away.
“Look Hayley, that’s the photo, doesn’t he look like Jesse?” Hayley looked from the photo Marie was pointing out to the baby asleep a foot away from her. The baby in the photograph must only have been a few days old, wrapped up in a blanket on Michael’s shoulder, a proud smile on his face as he showed off his son. It was unclear where it had been taken as the photograph was so close up.
“Hayley, when did you find out about the boy?” Asked Michael, glancing from the baby to the picture.
“A couple of months after…” Hayley looked to Jesse, deep in thought whilst flicking back from the photo to the baby.
“Oh God,” announced Jesse.
Marie covered her smirk with a hand whilst Michael looked at her, now understanding why Marie had exercised the old books.
“No, I took pregnancy tests they were all clear until he made me…” Suddenly it dawned on Hayley that she had purposely foiled the results of the first few tests until Demy had become suspicious and made her take it in front of him.
“Demy’s lawyers want a DNA test; I think you should do it,” said Jesse finally.
Michael beckoned his wife, entering the living room so Hayley and Jesse could talk privately.
“Hayley, we didn’t use anything, is there any chance?” He asked, hope evident in his voice.
“I don’t know,” whispered Hayley.
Jesse took her hand in his and kissed the back of it. Staring into her eyes, he smirked, nervously.
“Always wondered why he was so damn cute,” then he watched Hayley’s face crumple, not with laughter but with heart ache.
“Oh my God, Jesse, what have I done?” Asked Hayley, almost squealing through the tears.
“Nothing. You’ve done nothing wrong.” Jesse urged while holding her shoulders as they shook uncontrollably.
Jesse’s heart broke to see her torturing herself.
“I nearly got rid of him.”
“But you didn’t,” he said pul
ling her round to face him.
“Let’s get this DNA test done.”
Nodding, he took her in his arms. “Then we’ll know for sure.”
Epilogue
The results didn’t take long to come through. When the envelope landed on the doormat, she instantly knew what it was., Feeling as though she’d been holding her breath for two weeks, she tore the envelope open, quickly unfolding the letter she read the results. Grabbing the phone, she called for a taxi and got the baby ready to go.
Watching the baby look around in the car, wondering where it was going. She felt a heavy burden. This kid needed her, and if she was honest, she needed him. Everything had gone back to normal. Jesse was back at work. Michael and Marie showered her and her son with love and attention, which sometimes she felt stifling, but she was learning to cope better. Her nightmares were still there and Jesse still spoke to her about counselling, but so far, she’d kept them at bay. She knew she was barely holding it together, but without the love of Jesse, she wasn’t sure how she’d ever cope. He was her glue, and she needed him to know that.
Martin had been in touch with her to talk about what they had found and to check in, but so far, the investigation was ongoing.
She was only thankful Demy was behind bars.
It also seemed he’d rubbed other associates up the wrong way, so a retaliation move was on the horizon.
Martin said he’d keep her informed if things changed. She was breathing again, and now the final bomb in her life was about to land.
Jesse lifted his head to a knock on the office door. “Come in,” he called while placing folders in his case.
On opening, Martin peered round, smiling on entering. He closed the door behind him and leant up against it. “Got your old office back?”
“No, I’m just using it for the day; your super said she was out.”
“Aah.” Martin sighed, making sense how he hadn’t seen her all day. “How’s home?”
“As you’d imagine,” answered Jesse. “Actually, scrap that. Not sure it’s imaginable.”