The Vine Cross (The Vine Series Book 1)

by S P Dawes

  Hayley couldn’t help smiling. Watching Jesse made her realise what a wonderful dad he was. He cared deeply for him, and his eyes always sparkled around him. She just wished those same eyes descended on her, but then she knew her resolve wouldn’t stand a chance.

  “I hear you’re joining us next week?” Asked Rob, glancing to Hayley. Her smile suddenly dropped as she turned to him, realising immediately he’d said something he shouldn’t have. He quickly looked to Jesse. Hayley doing the same saw the shock and horror on his face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…” apologised Rob after registering Jesse’s face.

  Hayley shook her head. “No. Don’t be daft, I meant to say something, I just forgot with all the excitement,” she replied unconvincingly.

  Having them all turn to her; she felt her face flush and a heat wave sweep her body. Biting her bottom lip, she begged herself to stay cool and not cry. “They said I could have my old job back,” she offered, sounding apologetic and childlike.

  The room remained silent even after Daniel had stopped chuckling, and she felt suddenly nervous and unprepared.

  “What’s happening with Daniel?” Marie asked.

  Hayley could tell Marie had only asked what everyone else wanted to know. It was obvious from Jesse’s face that he wasn’t happy, and she chastised herself for not saying something before now without the audience.

  “I’ve found a childminder, she’s lovely, and she’s flexible so I can work shifts,” Hayley wasn’t sure why she felt so guilty. Surely, he realised she had to work.

  Jesse looked over to his parents before standing up. Walking towards the kitchen, Hayley took her cue to leave when he glowered at her. In the kitchen Jesse stood with his hands on his hips waiting for an explanation.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say?” Asked Hayley pleadingly.

  “Why didn’t you say anything?” Jesse had frustration written all over his face.

  “You know why,” she answered. They were both aware it would have just caused another argument, and she had been attempting to miss that, at least until today was over. She had five more days till she started back at work. Five days to think about how to tell him.

  “So what? You just thought you could palm my son off on anyone and I didn’t need to know?” Jesse shook his head, looking at the floor as though he couldn’t even bear to look at her right now.

  Taking a deep breath, “One, he’s our son. Two, she’s fully qualified,” Hayley continued to finger count. “Three, how the hell did you think I would survive without a job. Four, you work full time, why the hell can’t I? and five, remind me again why I need your bloody permission?” She asked, trying to stand taller, hands on hips braced for the impending argument, she knew she had raised her voice by the end of her point but he was infuriating. He expected everything to just fit into its own space and her feelings meant nothing. He was a damn control freak, and that was the last thing she needed.

  Jesse was attempting to control his frustration, but Hayley recognised the signs of an imminent explosion. His carotid artery was pumping, his jaw had stiffened and his nose was flaring.

  Being fully aware of his family being only a few feet away, he didn’t need them to tell him how badly he was handling it, but she got under his skin. He just wanted to grab her and devour her antagonistic lips and drag her back to his house until she submitted to him. Where the hell had that thought come from, he thought, as he lowered his eyes from her blazing sapphires.

  “I don’t expect you to ask me. But a heads up would have been nice. Didn’t you think I would want to do my own checks on people before I placed him anywhere and if you were struggling with money, you could have told me,” he said steadily, taking a breath he added, “I’d have helped.”

  “I don’t want your damn help!” She shouted, cursing herself for losing her temper. “I’m quite capable of standing on my own two feet!” She hissed.

  Sometimes she wished Daniel was Demy’s, at least she wouldn’t have to ask his permission. Then the guilt of thinking such a thing hit her in the stomach and made it churn.

  “I’m his Dad, if he needs anything, ask me.” Why did she find it so damn hard to ask and accept help? Why couldn’t she just stop pushing him away? She made the walls she was building around herself of strong and it was getting higher by the day. He hated it, but knew he was also guilty of enabling those bricks; it was as though he had bought her the supplies and hoped she didn’t have a clue how to mix them.

  “He doesn’t, all the money you give me, goes on him,” she cursed her voice for breaking. She could ill afford to look weak in front of him. All men took advantage of weakness, she’d learned that long ago. “I need to work to afford a home.”

  “I thought you were staying here?” he asked, confused, and a little taken aback.

  Hayley bit her lip and folded one hand into the other. She felt a lot less confident about this than she’d hoped. “I’ve seen a two bedroomed flat.” she admitted quietly.

  “Thought we were on a break?” He asked, exasperated. “I thought this was time to just…?” Realising quickly that it was a lost cause. “didn’t think…” Jesse rubbed the back of his neck, looking back down to the floor before gazing back up to her watery eyes. “I didn’t realise we were just over.”

  Shaking his head, he paced the floor, looking anywhere but at Hayley. She could see he was struggling. “This is so fucking stupid,” he said in a breath, barely catching her ears. “I’ll give you some extra.” He didn’t enjoy sending Daniel to someone he didn’t know, or having absolutely no say about it. But the thought Hayley saw no future for them gutted him and if he was being honest with himself, he worried about Hayley. She wasn’t ready, she liked to portray strength, but she was fragile.

  “You will not be keeping me Jesse.” Hayley shook her head vehemently. “I’ll work and pay for my way.”

  Jesse stopped pacing, favouring to look at the ceiling as he tried to regain some composure. “When are you going to realise that I just want to look after you?” When she didn’t answer him he looked at her from the corner of his eye, she was wiping a tear from her cheek and he wanted so badly to do that for her. He hated himself for causing her to cry, but he could never seem to find the words to explain himself. She saw everything as an attack. Being always on the defensive made him want to smash through her defences, but it only ever fortified them.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was going to tell you tonight.” she offered, watching him war with himself.

  “After you had already organised everything,” spat back Jesse, watching her pale.

  Hayley felt terrible, she could see the disappointment on his face, she’d let him down. That was all she seemed to be to him anymore, an immense disappointment. She wondered how much better his life would be now if she’d just let Demy kill her. After all, no one needed her, even Daniel would be ok without her. He had his grandparents, his Dad and his uncle. She had no one, and it left a gigantic gaping hole inside of her, that was becoming harder to miss or conceal. “I didn’t do it to hurt you.”

  “No. You just did it so I couldn’t change anything.” With his last remark he sauntered past her and returned to his son’s party, leaving the door to swing back in his wake.

  They had encouraged Hayley at the prospect of starting back to work in the kitchen. But after that conversation she no longer knew if she was doing the right thing, if it would cause an even bigger rift between them, was it worth it? Having wanted to keep things civil between them for Daniel’s sake, it seemed she’d fallen at the first hurdle.

  Walking over to the worktop, Hayley leant against it for support. She no longer wanted to be part of the celebrations. She no longer felt welcome. Glancing at her watch, noting the time, she wondered what would be a reasonable time to put Daniel to bed and crawl under the covers herself. If she could get through another day, she’d have at least achieved something.

  She hoped that with each day she’d feel more worthy to walk the planet;
right now the endless sleep called to her. Not waking up seemed such a peaceful way to go. Daniel would be too young to remember her, which caused her to tear up, but on the flip side, would he really feel her loss if he couldn’t remember having her? Maybe it would be the perfect time to leave. Jesse would take excellent care of him, hopefully find someone prepared to share her life with their son. Imagining Daniel saying mummy for the first time let the tears finally fall and she bit her wobbly lip trying to compose herself as the fake family she envisioned played out in her mind. She was right, they wouldn’t miss her at all. Sure, they’d cry, wonder why, but then they’d get on with their lives and they wouldn’t have to put up with her. After all, it was only a matter of time till they got bored with her, anyway.

  “So Jess didn’t know?” Asked Rob, walking in the kitchen clanking the empty mugs together, before placing them in the sink.

  Hayley just shook her head. There wasn’t really anything else to say on the subject. Jesse had been right, the only reason she hadn’t told him was because she knew he wouldn’t be happy about it.

  “I didn’t mean to…”

  Hayley moved her face away so he couldn’t see her crying and tried to wipe her face inconspicuously on her wrist. “I know. It’s not your fault, I should have said something before,” she cut in apologetically. She had put him in an awkward position and with things still fragile between them, she didn’t want to be the one to cause another rift. Feeling the knot loosen in her throat, she swallowed a few times to free it up further.

  “Why didn’t you?” Turning to her while leaning on the sink with his arms folded across his chest, he waited.

  She just stared up at him. She wasn’t sure what to say. Jesse was private, and he didn’t like people knowing things about him he wasn’t ready to divulge himself. Hayley opted for a shrug.

  “If you need the money, you’ve not really got an option, have you?”

  Hayley shook her head.

  “I’m sure he’ll calm down,” he offered, looking at one another with doubtful grimaces on their faces.

  They couldn’t help but laugh a little. They both knew he wouldn’t calm down or change his mind, or at least not for a while. Once he made his mind up, he was hard to convince otherwise.

  Rob dropped his glance. They hadn’t spent too much time together since she had got back, things had changed since their days in the kitchen together. They had once been wonderful friends once. Bouncing ideas around, helping each other out and jovially throwing around banter like a pair of comedians, but they weren’t sure they had it in them anymore. Their relationship had changed.

  “I am sorry about what happened.” offered Hayley as though reading his mind. Watching him turn to her, she saw his face soften.

  “Thanks.” Rob thought back to the prison visits he’d had to endure to see Caitlyn, right until she had told him they were over and not to visit anymore. It had pained him to hear her tell him she no longer loved him and didn’t need reminding of life on the outside every time he visited her. He still loved her and missed the life they’d made together.

  “I’m pleased you’re ok.” offered Rob, watching her lips press together with embarrassment.

  “Thanks,” Rob stepped up to her and engulfed her in his large arms.

  At first she stiffened, but then she relaxed into him. Kissing her head, he rubbed her back, and she just wanted to break down and cry again. She wanted to be vulnerable, for someone to tell her everything would be OK. She wanted desperately to know she meant something to someone. Holding onto him tighter, she heard his heartbeat under his shirt and closed her eyes. Feeling his arms grow closer around her made her feel safe, as though they wrapped her in a cocoon and she didn’t want to come back out. The world was harsh; she just wanted to stay.

  “What’s going on in here?”

  Hayley let go, jumping back as Rob shifted towards Jesse whilst rubbing the back of his head uncomfortably.

  “Nothing, just chatting,” answered Rob whilst making his way back into the living room.

  Jesse looked toward Hayley but she just smiled timidly, feeling as though he had caught her in an intimate act. “I need the name and address of the childminder, I need to do some checks,” said Jesse.

  Hayley just nodded. Why would he just take it from her she wasn’t putting him in the care of a serial killer? “What’s going on with you and Rob?”

  Hayley raised her gaze from the floor back to him. This time it confused her, unsure what she was reading in his eyes. “Nothing.” snapped Hayley. Jesse just nodded but didn’t look all that convinced. “I’ll get Daniel to bed soon; he’s had a busy day.”

  Hayley couldn’t stop much longer the atmosphere between her and Jesse was unbearable. It would be a much better idea to part before it got worse, and they each said or did something they would regret and couldn’t take back.

  “If you’re tired, just go to bed. I’ll take him up.”

  Hayley stared at him; it was as though he was intentionally trying to get rid of her. Maybe tonight would be the night she could escape. He’d seen death before, he would adjust better than Marie and Michael, he’d understand.

  “Maybe I’ll grab a bath,” she admitted, wanting to get away from him as she walked towards the door to the stairs. “I’ll have a long soak.”

  “Mum and Dad are in their element,” smiled Jesse.

  She understood what he was trying to do; guilt trip her into staying with them longer.

  “Now that you’ll be moving out and working, I don’t suppose you’ll have much time to just pop in,” he added.

  Hayley nodded, if what she had planned worked, they’d have all the time they wanted. She’d no longer be a barrier. “I’ll get here as often as I can, it means just as much to me to have him know his family.”

  Jesse nodded, but she wasn’t sure he understood how important it was to her. How could he? She had no family. The thought of spending time with them was probably alien to him, but she had needed them once. Just as much as Daniel would soon. The thought tightened her throat again, but she schooled her feature. If he knew what she was planning, he’d stop her.

  Marie and Michael had been like surrogates to her, they had been there for her each time she had needed them, even when it meant offering her a bed when she had finally walked out on Jesse and they had never made her feel guilty about it or to coax her into going back. They had allowed her time to make her own decisions and then supported her. No one had ever done that before without expecting something in return. But she couldn’t expect them to carry on doing that, she wasn’t their problem.

  “He’d know them a hell of a lot more if you’d just come home?” Sulked Jesse.

  Hayley wasn’t sure she had heard him right. All they had achieved since splitting was arguing and feel awkward around one another. The plain sailing, they had promised one another still wasn’t something on the horizon so a reconciliation wasn’t something she had considered being on the cards and how could it be?

  “Jesse, we can’t,” said Hayley, watching him make his way to her.

  Standing directly in front of her, she felt penned in, and her heart rate increased. He seemed to notice and took a step back so as not to crowd her. She was still battling with PTSD and so he feared triggering her, but sometimes she just wished he’d do something. This dancing around made her even more anxious. Never knowing what to expect made her over think everything, and she just wanted her head to silence.

  “We can, if we try,” said Jesse, sincerely.

  “We can’t fix this,” said Hayley, flicking her index finger between them, as she watched regret flicker deeply in his eyes.

  “We can if we both want to,” added Jesse, stepping forward again, hoping she was ready. It was the closest they had been in six months, maybe longer.

  She could hear her own heartbeat speed up as she inhaled his aftershave. Her heart clenched, screaming for her to let him in. But her head was a cacophony of noise warning her to not enter, and
she stepped back. The space between them grew and with that, so did the distance between them.

  “Daniel needs a family,” spoke Jesse sternly, attempting to aim for her weak point.

  He hated using his son to get her back, but he hated losing her more. Besides visiting his son when he had time, wasn’t what he’d envisioned his family to be like when he had children. He wanted to go home and be around them, share meals and nights with Hayley, enjoying their son together. They had spent too much time apart already. He wanted to tuck Daniel in every night and read him a story. Be the Dad he had always craved to be, not a weekend visitor. He wanted to cuddle up with Hayley every night, smell the coconut scent of her hair and wrap it around his hand as he kissed the delicate porcelain skin below her ear. He yearned to hear her sigh and moan and give up fighting. Since she’d been back, it was as though she had morphed into a crocodile. Thick impenetrable skin and a snappy jaw baring razor like teeth. In her head she was still at war, armed to the hilt and ready for action. He just couldn’t get close enough to convince her otherwise, without being bitten.

  “So, you think getting Daniel back is what we both need to rebuild our relationship, so what you really want is to get your son back whilst I just get to go along for the ride?” Hayley struggled to keep her temper in check.

  She didn’t want him to just want their son; she wanted him to want her. Their son had arrived unexpectedly; neither had had time to adjust to the idea. There had been no scans, no talk of names before the arrival, no enjoyment of watching her stomach grow. For them it had been instant. He was there, all ready and raring to go. That’s what her abduction had taken away from them, the enjoyment of becoming a family. The excitement of getting ready, and she felt cheated because when she had given birth, she couldn’t look at him.

  She had told herself that he was Demy’s and no good would come of it. She had felt immense relief when she had received the news that Demy wasn’t his father, but that had brought its own drama. Jesse was tied to her for life, whether he wanted her or not. Hayley knew he felt responsible, that he would take his responsibilities seriously, but that meant they took away a choice from them. She was no longer sure he would choose her or walk away if it wasn’t for Daniel. She didn’t want to be someone’s responsibility, someone’s chore, someone’s consolation prize. Hayley knew he’d always envisioned a nuclear family, and all she had ever wanted was someone to love her unconditionally, but she didn’t know what that looked like.