We ride in silence for a few minutes, and then I ask, "How about you? Do you have a girlfriend?"
He cocks an eyebrow. "If I had a girlfriend I wouldn't have gone outside with you last night."
I shrug.
"So I was almost your rebound guy?" he asks.
Now I'm the one flinching. I feel so bad about my thoughtless actions, and he's not letting me forget about it.
"Look, I can't apologize enough. I'm so sorry about last night. But can we please just forget about it?"
"It's not going to be easy to forget," he says.
I redden, and hope that he can't see me in the dim light filtering in through the trees. I'd never admit it, but I agree with him. Last night was pretty unforgettable. I steal a glance at him, expecting to see a smug grin on his face, but he looks thoughtful and serious. He's staring straight ahead and I can't help but drink in the sight of him sitting comfortably on the stallion, his body flexing and hips rolling with the horse's steps.
When he turns toward me, I quickly look down at Gracie and rub her head. "What do you think about the engagement?" I ask.
"I'm really happy for my dad," Billy says. "It took him a long time to get over losing our mom. I'm glad he found your mother."
"Yeah, me too," I say. "That must have been hard for all of you. Losing your mom."
"Yeah. Cancer sucks." His shoulders slump with those few words, and I wish I could give him a hug. We're quiet for a long time after that, but it feels like a companionable silence.
There’s a barbed wire fence running not quite parallel to our trail through the woods and eventually we reach a section where our path veers close to the fence. It’s at that point where something catches Billy’s attention. I see him pull on his reigns and say something to the horses, and then Gracie comes to a stop alongside Buck.
Billy hops down and walks toward the fence, using cautious footing and a fairly slow pace. I scan the area he’s approaching, and then I see it— a small tan animal huddled against the wire. I crane my neck for a better view and see white spots. A fawn.
Before he reaches it, Billy stops and looks around him, then he continues in a stooped position as if trying to make himself appear smaller and less threatening as he nears the animal. I wonder why it’s not running from him.
When he’s next to it and it still hasn’t run away, I realize the fawn must be hurt. I want to go to him, but I decide I’d better stay with the horses. Billy’s hunched down in front of the animal for several minutes, and I find myself holding my breath, hoping it’s okay. The forest, which has been quiet all along, now seems completely still. Even the horses aren’t moving.
Finally, I see movement, catch sight of the spots, and watch the little deer start to move away. It turns and looks back in Billy’s direction for a moment, then it bounds away, jumping gracefully over plants and logs in its path.
Billy returns to me, dusting dirt from his hands. “Did you see him?” he asks. “Poor guy was stuck in the fence.”
“You saved him!” I say. “Was he hurt?”
“I don’t think so. Mostly scared, I think. It didn’t look like he’d been there long.”
“He’s really lucky you saw him.”
Billy effortlessly remounts Buck and we continue. The trail loops around eventually, and we head back the way we came. I look around for the fawn, but I know there’s probably no chance we’ll see it again today.
It doesn’t feel like we’ve been out very long, but when we emerge from the forest, I see that the sky has changed. The sun is sinking on the horizon and dusk is approaching. We climb the slope again, and from the ridge we have a beautiful view of the sunset. Billy almost doesn't seem to notice it, so I ask if we can stop. The horses take advantage of the opportunity to eat the long grasses as we sit and watch the colors of the sky change before us. Pale blue deepens, then shifts to violet with streaks of bright pink. It's stunning.
"Does this happen every night?" I ask, as I watch in awe.
"Most nights, I guess," he says. "I don't even pay attention." He laughs a little, and sounds almost self-conscious. "We'd better get back while we can still see where we’re going.”
We're not far from the barn, but by the time we get there, the daylight is nearly gone and everything is in shadow. Nighttime here is so different from the city, where there are always streetlights, signs and cars illuminating the darkness.
Gracie stops at the barn's entrance, while Billy goes in and turns on a light. When he returns, he helps me dismount, and then he takes care of the horses, seeming to do all the pre-ride preparations in reverse. I'm impressed with the way he tends to the animals. He treats them with respect and affection. Billy seems like he can be a good guy when he's not tormenting me.
As we leave the barn, I slow down to sidestep soggy ruts created by the horses' hooves. "You sure do have a lot of mud around here," I say.
"What's the matter, city girl? Afraid of getting dirty?"
I start to protest, but Billy interrupts me. "Wait, what's this? Did you drop an earring?" He bends down to the ground and starts to reach for the item he's found.
I bend to look too, and before I know what's happening, Billy turns toward me suddenly and swipes a finger full of cold, sticky mud across my cheek. I sputter in disbelief as he erupts in laughter.
"How could you do that?!" I gasp.
After he catches his breath, he says, "What's the matter? You'd probably pay money for a mud facial in the city!"
"Yeah?" I bend down, grab a handful of the nasty muck and lunge at him, reaching for his face. He stops me before I even get close, and pushes my hands back against my own face, smearing the mud I'd gathered onto my chin and cheeks. I struggle against him, but he holds my wrists in his grip as if they're nothing. He's close, his taunting face just inches from mine. I'm sputtering and he's laughing, but soon we both grow still, and our eyes lock.
Memories of last night flicker through my mind and I feel a pull toward him. He may be a jerk sometimes, and the attraction that I feel may be entirely inappropriate, but it’s there nonetheless. I look at his lips and remember how they felt against mine. I remember how he tasted. I meet his eyes again and see desire reflected back at me.
What if he was to kiss me right now? Would I let him?
Billy rubs his thumb along the skin of my wrist where my hands are trapped in his. That little movement, so small it might barely be noticed, sends a shiver through me.
He holds my gaze as he slowly moves in closer. When he releases my hands, I reach for him and… smear my muddy fingers all over his handsome face. For one brief moment, I revel in his look of surprise. Then I turn and take off running toward the house at full speed.
Chapter 11
We have a quiet Saturday evening. After I get cleaned up, it's time for dinner, and later we all watch TV together. Billy is polite to me in front of our parents. He keeps his distance and doesn't try any more funny business.
I enjoy an extremely restful sleep, and am a little bit sad the next morning to know that I'll be heading back to the city later in the day.
I find my mom alone in the kitchen where she's having coffee. “Good morning, sweetie. Would you like some toast?”
“No big breakfast today?” I ask.
“We’ll be having a big Sunday dinner around noon. I need to get started on that, in fact.”
I eat a quick bite and then help her with food preparation. While we cook, we talk specifics about the wedding details, and make plans for her to visit me in the city to go shopping the following weekend. The morning flies by, and soon all five of us are sitting down together in the dining room at a table filled with roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, freshly baked rolls, and salad.
Things with Billy seem as they should be. He's friendly, but not inappropriate, and there's no covert touching under the table.
It bothers me that I kind of miss it.
I feel like I one-upped him during our mud fight yesterday, and I'm sure his behavior toward me
now is more the result of my running away from our close contact, than of my smearing mud on him. For a brief moment outside the barn, it felt like we might kiss. I felt the pull, but I couldn't let it happen. He probably thinks I faked the attraction, staring into his eyes and willing him closer, just so I could get mud on him. I'm happy to let him think that, even though it's not true.
He and I need to be friends, just friends, and have a healthy step-sibling relationship. So why can’t I keep from sneaking glances at him and noticing things no sister should notice on a brother, like how his tight shirt stretches across his chest and clings to his muscles in places as if it’s painted on?
I need to be careful not to get too close to him; I need to resist this attraction.
George's dining room is at the front of the house. During our meal, I hear tires crunch on the gravel driveway. I look around, and notice that Billy and Tommy are alert to the sound too, but my mom and George carry on eating. When a car door slams, however, my mother quickly rises and goes to the front door.
I hear her open the door, and then she calls out to me, her voice sing-song and syrupy. "Kate, you have a visitor."
A chill passes over me, and my stomach clenches with nerves and irritation. I can only think of one person who might be here to see me.
I push my chair back slowly and I swear that I can feel Billy's eyes on me.
My mom is holding the front door wide open, and as I approach I see Clay on the porch. He's holding a sizable bouquet of pink blossoms, and he has an irritatingly confident grin on his face.
"What are you doing here?" I ask. "And how did you even know where I was?"
"Clay wanted to surprise you, sweetie. He called me yesterday, when you were out riding." My mom sounds like she believes that his visit is the most romantic thing ever, like he just couldn't be away from me for two days, though as she talks I realize she's starting to register my displeasure at his arrival. I immediately regret not having told her what had happened between us.
"I'm going to talk to Clay outside," I say, stepping past her. As I pull the door closed behind me, I can see that my mom is confused, but she doesn't interfere.
Clay thrusts the flowers toward me, but I don't take them. My arms are folded over my chest, hands clasping my elbows, and my hip juts out at a harsh angle. My body language should be speaking volumes to him.
"What are you doing here?" I repeat.
"I'm trying to find out what's going on," he says. He looks strange out here on George's farm. His pressed khakis, white button-down and shiny loafers look all wrong for the surroundings. "Why did you stand me up on Friday, and why aren’t you taking my calls?”
I glare at him, beyond irritated that he's brought this confrontation to me out here, and that he's apparently decided to act like he’s innocent and clueless.
"What's going on, Kate?"
“Really? You’re going to play dumb?” My jaw is clenched so tight it hurts. “I saw you. At the pub. There's nothing more we need to talk about."
"You saw me doing what, Kate? I was at the pub, but I don't understand why you're angry."
I have an urge to go back inside the house and slam the door in his face, but I see something genuine in his expression, something that softens me a little.
I take a deep breath and shift my weight. "I got off of work early on Friday. I came by the pub to surprise you, and I saw you touching another woman." I glare at him.
"I was with my coworkers," he starts, speaking slowly and sounding confused. "Oh, you must mean Nikki. She's an admin at our office, and I did talk to her that afternoon." He looks relieved as he's remembering, like he now realizes what I'd seen. "She was upset. Her boyfriend had just broken up with her, and I tried to make her feel better."
"You looked like you were making her feel better, alright," I say with a sarcastic snort.
"Aww, babe, it wasn't like that. I may have given her a hug. I don't really remember. But she was upset, and I couldn't just leave her to cry." He takes a step toward me. "How could you think I'd ever look at someone else?" He reaches out a hand and squeezes my shoulder. "I don't want anyone but you."
He stares into my eyes, waiting for me to soften, and I try to remember exactly what I'd seen. I'd been pretty far away from the two of them. It is possible I'd misinterpreted their contact.
"I wish you had come into the pub," Clay says. "I hate that you've been thinking all this time that I could ever do something like that to you." He puts his arm around me and pulls me into a hug as he rubs my back. I don't return his embrace, but I don't push him away either.
Had I been too quick to jump to the wrong conclusion? Clay wouldn't have driven all the way out here if he didn't care about me. Before Friday, things between us had been going so well. Maybe everything had seemed too good to be true, and maybe I'd been expecting something bad to happen. Maybe I didn’t believe that kind of happiness could continue; maybe I went looking for problems where there weren’t any.
Clay pulls back to look into my eyes. "I'm really sorry you got the wrong impression, Kate. I love you, babe."
He's waiting for me to say everything is okay. I hesitate as I try to absorb this new information. I'd been so certain he was cheating on me, but his version of events makes sense. I've never had any reason to distrust him before, so maybe I need to give him the benefit of the doubt.
"Are we okay, babe?" He's got puppy dog eyes as he looks at me, an expression I don't see often on him, but when he uses it, it always makes me cave.
"I guess we're okay," I say.
Clay breaks into a huge grin and offers the flowers to me once again. I take them, and thank him, and then we stand awkwardly together on the porch.
"Wow, your mom's boyfriend sure lives way out here," he says.
I'd gotten used to the scenery over the past two days, but now I see it again through Clay's eyes. "Sure does," I agree. "And guess what? My mom will soon be living out here too. They've gotten engaged."
"Good for them," he says in an upbeat tone. "Can I go offer my congratulations?"
"Yeah, c'mon in. We were just finishing lunch." As soon as I turn back toward the door, I remember who else is inside. Not just my mom and George, but Tommy, and most importantly, Billy.
Guilt and remorse flood over me like a wave of nausea. I'd considered myself broken up from Clay Friday night. In my mind, I'd been a single girl when I'd flirted with Billy, though of course, flirting was a huge understatement for what went on between us. I'd thought I was free to do as I pleased. Meanwhile, Clay was in the city worrying about me, and in his mind, he was still very much my boyfriend. Oh god. What if Billy says something inappropriate? Now more than I ever, I need him to forget that anything ever happened between us! I say a silent prayer that things will go smoothly as I open the door to take Clay inside.
Chapter 12
Everyone is still seated around the dining room table when we go inside. My mom jumps up, looking anxious but welcoming. She greets Clay again and shoots a questioning look at me before she invites him to join us for dessert.
Billy is glaring at me. I can feel it even before I look at him. He looks angry and concerned, but I can only meet his eyes for a second before I need to look away. I introduce Clay to George, Tommy, and Billy. Billy gives him a brief nod before returning his focus to me.
I busy myself with clearing the dinner plates while Clay congratulates George and offers well wishes to him and my mom. Not for the first time, I have a nearly overwhelming urge to flee the house entirely, but I try to calm myself as I take a stack of plates into the kitchen. Before I've even set them in the sink, I feel Billy at my side.
"That's your cheating boyfriend? What's he doing here?" he asks angrily.
"Shhh— They'll hear you!"
"What's going on, Kate?"
I put the dishes down and turn toward him. "He came to explain," I say. "I got the wrong idea on Friday. I shouldn't have assumed the worst."
Billy arches a brow and frowns.
"I'm sorry," I say, for what feels like the millionth time. I am so sorry. I squeeze past Billy just as my mom enters the kitchen.
"Everything okay?" she asks me.
I nod. "Yeah."
"Great," she says, soothingly. "Can you bring out dessert dishes and forks, dear?"
"I'll get them," Billy says, as he moves across the room to the cupboard.
My mom picks up the cake that's on the kitchen table, and I follow her back to the dining room. When Billy returns and passes by Clay, I'm shocked by the contrast between the two of them. I'd known Billy was bigger, of course, but his hulking frame makes Clay look practically undeveloped, like a teenager. From the clothes they wear, to how they talk, and carry themselves, the two men could not be more different.
As my mom starts to cut the cake, Billy excuses himself. "I'll have some later, Rebecca, if that's okay. I need to get back to work on a project outside before it's too late in the day." He leaves the room then, with no more words to any of us, and no backward glances.
If Clay notices Billy's rudeness, he doesn't show it, and I'm relieved about that.
After dessert and polite conversation, Clay lets me know that he's ready to get back to the city. It makes sense for me to follow him, so I pack my things and leave earlier than I'd planned. Billy hasn't come back yet, so I ask my mom and George to tell him I said goodbye.
Clay drives fast on the return trip, but I manage to keep up. I assume he’ll take the turnoff to his condo, but instead he heads to my place and parks in the lot. When I realize that he intends to come up to my apartment, I tell him I’m tired and that I have to go into work early tomorrow. For some reason, I’m just not ready to be alone with him yet.
The next week passes quickly. Clay texts frequently and we have lunch together twice, but we don’t see each other in the evenings due to his long work hours. He’s attentive and kind, but he doesn't make any moves to deepen our commitment as I thought he'd been about to do at the dinner that had been planned for last Friday. I realize that if I was so quick to distrust him, I'm not quite ready to take the next step anyway.
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