I’ve been caving to Blake’s stupid ideas for weeks. He had to have known I would cave on the nickname, too. If I didn’t like him so much, I might be able to resist his charm. Stupid feelings. I’ve managed to keep them hidden from him, but I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to last at this rate. He’s the only friend I have, my best friend, and I love him. I would hate to ruin that, especially since he’s leaving at the end of the summer for college.
What am I going to do here for two more years without him?
I don’t want to think about it. He keeps telling me Santa Barbara isn’t that far. He’s planning on visiting as much as he can. I guess we’ll see. I have four and a half more months to spend with him before he leaves me. We’ll have to make the most of it. As soon as school gets out, we’ll have all day, every day to hang out.
“What are you thinking about over there, beautiful?”
Blake’s voice cuts through the uncertainty and doubt starting to cloud my brain. I want to tell him the truth, but I know it’s not the best idea. I don’t want to seem needy or clingy, and telling him I was thinking about life without him will sure make me sound that way.
“Nothing. I guess I spaced out for a minute,” I lie as the school parking lot comes into view.
Walking in the front doors, side by side as we have for a while now, Blake reaches over and grabs my hand, pulling me in close. This is a first. He’s never held my hand before, and I stiffen for a moment. In fact, I’m not sure he’s ever touched me before this very moment, and I like the way his hand feels. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last long. He lets go of my hand and wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his body. Even better.
“It’s going to be fine, Charlie. I promise,” he whispers in my ear before kissing me on the top of my head and walking away.
I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what he meant. My mind runs wild, from one end of the spectrum to the other. Does he have feelings for me? He couldn’t possibly. I’m too young for him. He’s leaving. He pities me and is just trying to be nice. He’s my friend, that’s all. Does he want to be more? He’ll be off to college in a few months, and he’s not going to wait for me. That would be stupid.
I struggle through a history test, my concentration completely lost. By the time I’m headed back to Blake’s car, my head feels like it’s about to explode. I need to let it go. Whatever happens, will happen. If I’ve learned anything in my short sixteen years, it’s you cannot control the future. The only thing within your control are your choices in life.
Just like when you jump in puddles, every choice you make creates a ripple, altering your future. You can choose to live an adventurous life by stomping around, creating a series of tiny waves that ebb and flow. Or, you can choose to jump over the puddle. No ripples, no waves. You have complete control. Choose your path wisely.
August 1991
Glancing over at the clock, I realize Blake is going to storm in here any second. Let him. Alice and Scott won’t stop him. In fact, they’d probably supply him the tools to take my door off the hinges if I tried to lock him out. That’s part of why I left it wide open. They love Blake. The problem is, so do I, and he’s about to leave me.
I attempted to say goodbye yesterday, but he wasn’t having it. He wants me in the driveway with his parents, waving to him as he pulls away. It’s silly. At least hidden in my room, I can cry without anyone else watching. I’ve lost enough people in my life that losing Blake, although it’s small in comparison, feels like the final straw. I’m breaking on the inside.
This has been the best summer of my life. Blake and I spent almost every day together. Some days we sat in his backyard next to the pool, soaking up the rays and drinking sweet tea or lemonade. Other days, we ventured out, hoping to find something fun to fill the time. The arcade took most of our spending money. The beach became our go-to when we wanted to get away on the weekends.
There was the occasional trip to the bowling alley when it was too hot to hang out outside. I tried to get Blake to be a little more adventurous on a few occasions, and we went hiking. He spent the entire time with his camera in front of his face, shooting what seemed like nothing and everything all at once.
Of all the time we spent together this summer, though, my favorite moment has to be our road trip. Alice and Scott agreed to let us leave the city for a night. The only stipulation was I had to call and check in every few hours. I can still remember the sly grin on Blake’s face as we pulled away, free from all parental eyes. If I had known what he had up his sleeve, I would have jumped out of the car and run back home. I’m so glad I didn’t.
Only forty-five minutes away from our small community, Great America was my favorite adventure of the summer. Somehow, Blake got us two free passes. We spent the entire day riding coasters, playing silly carnival style games, and eating food that ended up causing me to feel like I was going to vomit.
My fear of heights was conquered quickly. Blake made sure we went on the tallest roller coaster first so all the others felt small in comparison. To say I screamed bloody murder is an understatement. I tried to play it cool when we buckled ourselves into the red metal car. I even found myself laughing at one of Blake’s stupid jokes as the train of cars started to move. All the laughing and my calm demeanor went out the window the moment we reached the peak and I could see for miles.
Blake took my hand in his and gave it a tiny squeeze, drawing my attention to him as we were forced back into our seats. I screamed at the top of my lungs, clenching Blake’s hand with my eyes closed tightly until I felt the car come to a stop. It was finally over. At least, for the moment. The next roller coaster wasn’t as high and didn’t look as scary as the first. Except for the loop where we were turned upside down.
By the time he forced me to ride the fourth or fifth coaster, I knew exactly what to expect, and I think he did, too. I never once opened my eyes, and I clasped his hand so tight his fingertips were white by the end of the short rides. Instead of complaining, Blake would laugh it off.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I remember that day—the feeling of the wind blowing through my hair and the way my body pressed against the back of the seat. It was wonderful, a day I will never forget. The best part of it all was the gentle way Blake held my hand when we weren’t on the roller coasters as he pulled me from place to place with a look of excitement on his face. I’ll never forget that look.
“The smile on your face tells me you’re not asleep, Charlie.”
I open my eyes to find Blake hovering over me. The look of excitement from that day is suddenly gone and has been replaced with a forced smile given away by the sadness in my eyes. He should be happy to be headed off to college. No parents to tell him what to do or how to live his life. He gets to study photography like he’s always wanted to do. It’s a major stepping stone for him to begin living his dream of becoming a professional photographer. And here I am, sulking, ruining his moment.
“I was just remembering this summer.”
“Which part?” he inquires, taking a seat next to me on the bed.
I push myself into a sitting position and cross my legs Indian style. “The roller coasters.”
Blake chuckles as a smile breaks out across his face. “The look of horror on your face every time we reached the peak of the coaster will forever be ingrained in my mind. Priceless.”
“What look of horror?”
Blake closes his eyes tight, clenching his teeth and arching his shoulder as he tucks his head to his chest. He looks like an idiot. I can’t believe I looked like that. I push against his shoulder, and Blake, unprepared for my assault, falls off the side of the bed and begins laughing as he lands with a loud thump.
“Come on, Charlie,” he says as he gasps for air. “You looked cute but horrified at the same time.”
“Whatever you say.” Glancing at my watch, I see he needs to get on the road if he’s going to beat the traffic. “You better get going.”
“I know.
I came up here to get you.”
“Can’t we just say goodbye here?” I pout, sticking my bottom lip out and giving him my best ‘sad puppy dog’ look.
“No, we can’t. You can do this. It’s only for a few months. I’ll be back at Thanksgiving and then Christmas. I’m not leaving you forever.”
I know this, and I know I’m acting like a child. Maybe it’s the difference in our ages or maybe it’s the fact he’s never lost someone. Either way, Blake doesn’t seem to understand my apprehension to say goodbye to him in public. Even though it may not be forever, it still feels like I’ll never see him again. What if he forgets about me? What if he meets someone, which will eventually happen, and falls in love? What will I do then?
“Promise me one thing.” My voice is small, my trepidation obvious.
“Anything, Charlie.”
“No matter who you meet or how much fun you’re having, you’ll always remember the fun we had this summer.” Clearing my throat, I try to sound confident and strong, but I can still hear the uncertainty in my voice, and I’m sure Blake can hear it, too.
“I could never forget about you. You’re my best friend, Charlie. Our plan is still in place. I’ll call. We’ll both write, and as soon as Scott and Alice get the Internet, we can talk that way. Everything is going to be fine. I promise. Nothing is going to change.”
The affirmation in his voice makes me want to believe him. He believes every word he just spoke. Nothing will change. That’s partially the problem. I’m his best friend. He’s mine. I want that to change, but with him about to leave and start a new life, there’s no way it can.
It’s on the tip of my tongue. I almost find the courage to tell him I want things to change. The moment he grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze, I lose all my nerve. “I know.”
Two words. That’s all I can muster.
I let him pull me off the bed and into a standing position. When he wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a hug, it takes all the strength I have to not fall apart. I imagine my heart breaking inside my chest, the pile of tiny little pieces that are left behind—the only proof I had a heart to begin with.
Waving as Blake pulls away from his house, his mother wraps me in a hug and whispers promises he’ll be home soon. Judy and I are both silently crying, knowing he won’t be home soon enough for either of us. Nodding my head, I know words would not be coherent at this point.
“Charlotte,” Alice hollers from the front porch. I turn to find her waving me in. “You have a phone call.”
Who is calling me? The only person who has my phone number just vanished around the corner.
“Hello?” I hesitantly say as I put the phone up to my ear. Twisting the cord around my finger, I lean against the kitchen counter.
“I told you I would call.”
I pull the phone away from my ear and look at it, confused. “How are you calling me already?”
“What do you mean?” Blake asks, a teasing tone in his voice.
“You just left. It hasn’t even been five minutes. I know you’re not there yet.”
“It’s called a cellular phone. My parents bought me one last week so I could call them if I needed anything,” he explains as if having a cellular phone is not a new development.
“Cool. Should you be talking to me and driving at the same time, though?”
“Why not? It’s kind of cool. This is only the second time I’ve used it. I called you on it last week to try it out, but I didn’t tell you.”
“Really? When?” He did? How did I not notice? I can hear the car in the background and his music playing softly. Am I only noticing these things because I know he’s driving?
“The day you holed yourself up in your room.”
Oh! That day. Of course, I didn’t notice anything was different. I was in my own little world and kept trying to get him off the phone. He was being persistent because he didn’t understand what was going on. It wasn’t until he showed up and saw the condition I was in that he put two and two together.
Of all the days he’s barged his way into my room, I’d like to take that day back. I’ve never let anyone except my Aunt see me that way. It was bad enough Alice saw me. I prepared her for it, though. I explained what was going to happen before it happened so she wouldn’t think it had something to do with her. I should have prepared Blake, too, but how do you tell someone they need to leave you alone for a day so you can mourn the anniversary of your parents’ murder?
“Are you still there, Charlie?” Blake’s voice cuts through the dark clouds that had started to move their way back in. I only allow them to invade my life one day a year and that day has passed.
“I’m here. Sorry.”
“Hey, how about I call you when I get there? I’m about to jump on PCH, and it looks busy already.”
“Sounds good. I’ll be here.”
“Okay. Love you, bye.”
He’s gone before I can say anything. To be honest, I’m not sure I would have been able to respond, anyway. His words echo in my mind over and over again until I hear the phone start beeping in my ear, a clear sign he’s hung up and I need to do the same.
I place the receiver on the base and sink to the floor. The entire summer runs through my mind as if in hyperspeed. Did I miss something? When did things change, and how did I not notice? I fell in love with him months ago but never thought in a million years he felt the same.
What happens now? Do I tell him how I feel, or do I keep quiet? Each decision comes with a different set of outcomes. Those outcomes can completely change the path I’m on right now. They’ll change the course of Blake’s path, too. Are those three little words worth stepping in the puddle, causing waves? Or should I avoid it completely, jumping over the puddle to save what is by far the most important friendship I’ve ever had?
December 1991
It’s a little after five o’clock, and Blake should be here any minute. I’m wearing a pattern in the carpet as I pace back and forth, watching out the front windows for his car to pull up. It’s only been a month since I’ve seen him, but it feels like a year for some reason. When he came back for Thanksgiving, we didn’t get to spend much time together. His parents took him to Seattle for the weekend to visit his grandparents. That left us with only a little time on Wednesday and Thursday nights to hang out.
After telling me he loved me every time he’s hung up for months, I was hoping Blake would say it in person while he was here. That didn’t happen. Maybe it’s because I never found the courage to say it back. Maybe he didn’t really mean it. I can’t seem to figure it out.
Uncertain where our relationship stood, I tried to give him a few opportunities to kiss me when he was here. Hoping he would take advantage of the opportunities, I made sure to chew his favorite gum, Big Red, and have an extra piece for him as well.
He never even held my hand. It wasn’t until right before he left for Seattle I noticed he was acting off. I had been so focused on myself, I hadn’t noticed he seemed unhappy. When I asked him about it, he brushed me off. I tried to pry a little, and he got upset.
That’s how we said goodbye last time. He was pissed off, and I was hurt. We’ve only talked a few times recently, and our conversations have been short. He hasn’t said those three little words since then, either. I’m hoping, if nothing else, he’s in a better mood this visit and things can go back to normal, back to the way they were before Thanksgiving or even back to the way they were over the summer.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I see Blake’s car comes to a stop in front of his house. My body tenses up, and my heart skips a beat at the sight of him. Hiding behind the curtain, I watch in awe as he pulls his bag out of the backseat and effortlessly slings it over his shoulder.
His hair is longer than I’ve ever seen it. It looks as if he hasn’t gotten it cut in a while, at least not since Thanksgiving. He’s wearing clothes that are out of character for him. I know the grunge look is all the rage right now, but I didn’t think Blake
was into that kind of music or style of clothes. Apparently, I was wrong. There seems to be a lot about Blake I don’t know anymore.
Reaching for the door handle, I hesitate before turning the knob. Should I wait for a while before I go over there? I don’t want him to think I’ve been waiting all day for him to come home even though I have, and I’m sure he knows it. He probably saw me watching out the window. I should just go over—
THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
Startled by the knocking on the door, I jump backward and almost trip over my own feet. Alice appears next to me a few seconds later with a confused look on her face. Tilting her head, she motions toward the door before disappearing back into the kitchen.
Taking a deep breath, I reach for the handle and pull the door open. As I suspected, Blake is standing on the other side, smiling at me. Opening the screen door, I step back and allow him to step past me and into the house. He doesn’t say anything at first, and the silence is starting to make me uncomfortable. A cool breeze blows through the open door, causing a shiver to run down my spine. Reaching past me, Blake pushes the door closed and pulls me in for a hug. I go willingly, missing the warmth of his embrace.
“I’m sorry, Charlie. I was an asshat,” he whispers in my ear.
“Duh! I forgive you, though.”
“I hope so, otherwise, this is going to be a boring few weeks.”
I try to pull away, but Blake holds me tight. “Well, I’m sure we can find something fun to pass the time.”
“I have a few ideas,” he suggests, laughing at his own words. His laugh comes from somewhere down deep, causing my chest to vibrate against his. Suddenly, he pulls back, his laugh vanishing, and his face bright red.
“Uh, what’s the matter?” I ask, confused by the change in his demeanor.
“Nothing. I just remembered my parents said they were waiting for me before they ate dinner tonight. Can we get together tomorrow after you get out of school?” Opening the door without waiting for my reply, Blake steps onto the porch.
Waiting on Someday Page 2