by Mila Gray
And he gives me a look as if to say, Yeah, I don’t blame you, but son, we’re going to talk about this when you get back.
He holds up the bag. ‘I think you forgot this,’ he says.
Jessa reaches for it. ‘Thanks,’ she mumbles, her gaze stuck to the floor.
‘We gotta go,’ I say. ‘I’m running Jessa home.’
My dad nods. ‘See you later. Bye Jessa,’ he says and ambles back into the house.
Jessa doesn’t speak the whole way back. She does switch clothes, though, back into her school uniform, which gives me an unrivalled view of both her body and her litheness as she contorts to wriggle out of her shorts and pull on her skirt. I almost crash catching a glimpse of her in her underwear when she changes out of her bikini bottoms and have to force my eyes back to the road.
‘Don’t worry,’ I say as I see the anxiety pulling at the edges of her mouth as she checks herself in the mirror.
‘Do you think he’ll say anything?’ she asks, tucking in her school shirt.
‘To your dad?’ I laugh. ‘No.’
‘To Riley I mean,’ she says.
I shake my head. ‘No. I’ll talk to him. Listen, my dad’s a chaplain. Keeping secrets is part of his job.’
She looks a little more reassured. ‘OK,’ she says as I pull over. ‘How do I look?’ She smooths down her hair, and looks at me and I notice that the free-spirited, relaxed Jessa has vanished. She’s back to her anxious old self.
‘Like you had a really, really good day at school,’ I say.
Finally she smiles.
‘I had the best day at school ever,’ she says, leaning over and kissing me. ‘Thank you.’
I pull the truck into the driveway and take a slow breath out, readying myself. Just as I guessed, my dad is waiting in the kitchen for me.
‘You want some?’ he asks, spooning coffee into the jug.
I nod and reach for another mug.
‘Does Riley know?’ he asks as he pours out the water.
Cut straight to the chase much?
‘No,’ I answer.
‘You going to tell him?’ my dad asks, giving me a look.
‘Wasn’t planning on it,’ I say.
My dad nods to himself, taking his sweet time to screw the lid on the coffee and put it away. ‘You sure?’ he asks. ‘Secrets like that between friends have a habit of coming out. You don’t want to ruin things between you.’
‘Him finding out about me and Jessa, that will ruin things between us,’ I say with a bitterness to my voice that surprises me.
‘And sneaking around behind closed doors – you think you’ll get away with that?’ my dad asks in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice. ‘Think it’s fair to her?’
I frown as I take the coffee he hands to me. It’s as bitter and black as tar. Ever since my dad gave up drink he subsists on eight cups of this a day, refusing to do anything so namby-pamby as add milk. I swear it runs through his veins like diesel oil.
‘What if her father finds out?’ he asks.
‘He won’t,’ I say, shooting him a warning look.
My dad raises his eyebrows at me. ‘He won’t hear it from me. Doesn’t listen to a word I say anyway,’ he says, laughing under his breath. ‘But you’ve got to think about what happens when he does find out.’
‘I don’t care.’
‘I know you don’t. But what about Jessa? You’re thinking with the wrong head.’
‘I am not,’ I say indignantly. But is he right? Am I so absorbed in her, in wanting her, that I’m not thinking straight?
‘She mean something to you?’ my dad asks.
‘Yes,’ I say, wishing he’d just drop it.
‘Really something?’ my dad presses.
I look at him. ‘Yes.’
He nods at me as though pleased about something. ‘Then do the right thing.’
‘What is the right thing?’ I ask him. I feel like I’m thirteen, asking for his advice about girls. Except when I was thirteen, my dad was only a year into his recovery and I hadn’t yet forgiven him, so chats like this one never happened.
My dad puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. ‘Always the honest thing,’ he says, before grimacing and adding, ‘which isn’t always the easiest thing.’
‘You think I should tell Riley?’ I ask.
My dad gives a non-committal shrug, telling me it’s up to me. ‘If you tell him, you should probably tell her father too. Don’t make the same mistake I did.’
My head flies up. ‘What do you mean? What mistake?’
My dad walks to the sink and empties the remains of his coffee. He keeps his back to me.
‘Is this why you and her dad fell out?’ I ask. ‘Over a girl?’
My dad sighs heavily and turns back around. ‘I can’t tell you,’ he says.
‘Why not?’ I ask. This is the first time he’s ever come close to telling me what happened between him and Jessa’s dad. I figured a while back that maybe it had to do with something that went on overseas when they were both in the same marine unit, but it makes much more sense that a woman was involved. I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out before. ‘Why not?’ I ask again when he doesn’t answer.
‘Not my story to tell,’ my dad says.
‘Whose story is it to tell?’ I ask.
‘Your mother’s.’
I blink at him. ‘She’s dead,’ I say.
My dad walks towards the door. He’s not yet fifty and still physically an impressive man – stocky, broad-shouldered – but the fight with the bottle added a good ten years to him and he looks closer to sixty, his skin tanned to leather and his hair completely grey. The mention of my mother seems to have aged him another five.
‘And maybe it’s best we don’t go disturbing old ghosts,’ he says over his shoulder to me before he closes the door.
22
Jessa
‘You look like Lana Turner.’
‘Who?’
‘Blonde bombshell film star from the forties. Oh my God, Jessa, don’t you know anything?’
‘My film knowledge only goes back to the eighties. Sorry.’
Didi does something to my hair, framing it around my face. It still smells slightly singed from the curling iron and I’m starting to feel like a Barbie doll. Maybe Didi was denied one as a child and is making up for lost time.
‘You just need some lipstick,’ Didi says, reaching for her make-up bag. ‘Not that it’s going to stay on for long,’ she adds as she starts to dab it on my lips.
‘Like I’m going to get a chance to kiss Kit with my brother there.’
‘I’ll deal with your brother. Don’t worry about that,’ Didi says, spinning me towards the mirror.
I do a double-take. Didi’s right. I do look like I just stepped out of a 1940s movie. My dress is floor-length dark blue satin, pulling in slightly at the waist. Didi’s done my hair so it’s side-parted and hanging loose and wavy down my back. My lips are bright red and because I don’t normally wear make-up I feel ridiculous, like a clown. I think about wiping it off but I don’t want to offend Didi, and then I realize that maybe it’s less clown than I think, and it might be fun to pretend for a night to be a blonde bombshell seductress.
I walk down the stairs, feeling Kit’s eyes on me without even having to look up. I can’t look up. I’m too nervous. Halfway down, though, I can’t help myself. I raise my head, see him staring at me and almost lose my footing. As it is my stomach kangaroo-hops at the sight of him. He and Riley are both wearing 1940s-style black tie. I don’t know where they managed to find suits like that, but it makes me want to build a time machine and head back to that decade permanently. Then I remember the Second World War and decide that’s maybe not such a good idea. Kit’s eyes have widened, his lips are parted. His gaze travels down my body in a way that makes me feel unsteady on my feet. When he raises his eyes to mine I see the desire in them and it gives me a thrill like nothing I’ve ever known.
‘You look nice,’ Riley says,
though he’s frowning as he says it.
‘You look beautiful,’ Kit mouths behind his back.
This year’s prom committee decided on The US Grant Hotel in San Diego, renowned for its five-star splendour, as the venue, and when we walk into the ballroom I’m rendered speechless by how beautiful it is, with glistening golden lights reflecting off the polished floors and the lights of downtown reflecting in the windows. There’s a DJ set up in one corner, a table bowing under the weight of canapés along one wall, and bowls of punch which I suspect from the levels of rowdiness and screaming have been laced with something stronger than orange juice.
One couple are practically eating each other’s faces off in the doorway, and we have to squeeze past them. Kit winks at me, and when we walk into the ballroom, I feel his hand slide gently down my back in a caress. It’s just the lightest pressure but it electrifies my skin. I start to imagine his hands sliding under the dress and over my body and then that becomes all I can think about. When Riley asks what I want to drink I just stare at him blankly.
‘You want a drink?’ he asks for the third time.
‘Yes,’ I say.
He gives me a weird look before gazing around the room with a faintly furrowed brow. He doesn’t look that impressed with the decor or the venue, and I bet he’s thinking of the lost hours he could be spending with Jo. I wish he’d at least try to pretend to be happy to be here. I hardly ever get to see him any more. After Dad’s little drama the other night, Riley’s been home even less.
He and Kit make a beeline for the bar and Didi runs off to touch up her make-up in the bathroom, leaving me to stand there watching all the couples in various stage of making out, wondering how I’ll be able to keep my hands off Kit for the whole night.
‘Jessa?’
I spin around. A guy I don’t recognize is standing behind me, smiling at me uncertainly. ‘Jessa Kingsley?’ he asks.
‘Yes,’ I say.
His smile widens. ‘It’s me, Todd. Todd Hansler.’
My mouth falls open as I suddenly place him.
‘Oh my God. Todd. What are you doing here?’ I shake my head in amazement. The last time I saw Todd was back in sixth grade. We went to school together on the base at Panzer.
‘We just got back from Germany,’ he starts explaining. ‘My dad took a desk job. He’s working with your father now on the base at Pendleton.’
I’m still trying to reconcile the memory I have of the short, overweight boy with buck teeth who used to read comics in the school cafeteria with the tall, athletic and self-assured guy with perfect teeth that’s standing in front of me now.
‘Wow,’ I say, finding it hard to hide my surprise. ‘Oh my God. You’re . . . I wouldn’t have recognized you. How long has it been?’
He laughs. ‘I don’t know. At least five years. You haven’t changed a bit. I would recognize you anywhere.’ He takes a step back and his gaze sweeps up my body.
I shuffle awkwardly. ‘I’m not sure that’s a compliment,’ I say. At twelve I wasn’t exactly winning any beauty pageants.
‘Oh, it is,’ he says, ‘rest assured. You look great.’ I don’t think I’m mistaking the look on his face when he says it and it makes me blush.
‘Who are you here with?’ I ask, looking around and hoping to take the focus off me.
‘Oh, some girl,’ he says dismissively.
‘Who?’ I ask.
‘Stephanie Murphy. She’s having a hair and make-up crisis in the bathroom.’
‘Oh,’ I say, wondering how he knows her and why he’s come with her.
‘So congratulations,’ he says, gesturing at the room. ‘Where are you going to college?’
‘USD,’ I say with a forced smile, feeling that familiar pang of regret as I say it. ‘What about you?’
He grins at me. ‘USD too. Guess we’ll be freshmen together.’ He pauses. ‘I’m going through Officer Candidate School at the same time.’
‘You’re enlisting?’ I ask, though I’m not surprised. Todd’s family is a military family like mine.
‘I’m hoping to get a commission once I finish college,’ he says.
‘An officer, huh?’ I say, trying to look impressed.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I heard Riley already enlisted.’
‘Yeah. He’s a marine security guard now. He’s back for a few weeks.’ I twist my head around to see if I can see him. ‘He’s here somewhere. You should talk to him.’
There’s no sign of Riley, but I spot Kit walking towards me holding two drinks, his focus fixed firmly on Todd. When he reaches us, he hands me one of the drinks and stays standing right by my side, his arm brushing mine.
‘Um,’ I say to Todd. ‘This is Kit, my . . . ’
‘Boyfriend,’ Kit finishes for me, holding out his hand for Todd to shake. His expression is pleasant and relaxed but there’s a bright hardness to his eyes that makes me duck my head to hide my smile. He’s jealous. Todd looks surprised and throws a questioning look in my direction before turning back to Kit and taking his hand.
‘Hi, good to meet you.’
I see the tendons in Kit’s arm grow taut and the tan skin of his hand pale as he squeezes Todd’s hand in a Vulcan death grip of a handshake.
‘This is Todd,’ I explain quickly, hoping I can get them to release each other and make nice. ‘We knew each other when we were kids. We were on the base together in Germany.’
‘Right,’ says Kit, finally letting go of Todd’s hand. Todd grimaces, flexes his hand and lets it drop to his side.
‘He just got back,’ I hear myself telling Kit. ‘He’s going to OCS.’
‘Congratulations,’ says Kit, still holding Todd’s gaze.
‘You in the Corps?’ asks Todd, though I can tell it’s just a polite question, not an interested one.
‘Yes. MSG,’ replies Kit.
‘Impressive,’ Todd says with the smile of a politician. He nods at me. ‘I’ll leave you to it. Better go find my date. It was good to see you again, Jessa. Let’s catch up soon.’
He kisses my cheek before walking away.
I turn to Kit, resting one hand on my hip.
‘What?’ he asks, shrugging at me.
‘What was that?’ I ask.
‘What was what?’
‘You just scared him off.’
Kit takes a sip of his drink. ‘I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.’
‘The way he was looking at me? He wasn’t looking at me any way.’
Kit almost spits his drink across the room. ‘He was looking at you like he was mentally undressing you.’
I press my lips together. He might have a point.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says, turning to face me, his voice soft and a small smile of apology forming on his lips. ‘I just don’t like the idea of another guy looking at you like that. The only person I want to mentally undress you is me.’
My heart gives a little leap. ‘Just mentally?’ I whisper.
Kit steps even closer to me and I get a waft of his aftershave. Why does he have to smell so damn good all the time? How am I supposed to keep my distance?
‘Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?’ Kit says.
I smile at him. His focus is on my lips.
‘If I don’t get to kiss you soon there’s no telling what might happen.’
I glance over his shoulder. ‘Where’s Riley?’ I ask.
‘Over at the bar, talking to the barman.’
I spot him. He has his back turned, thankfully. ‘Come on,’ I say to Kit.
‘Where are we going?’ Kit shouts over the music as he starts to follow me.
I weave my way through the dance floor, which is already crowded, making a beeline for the balcony. Outside a few couples are taking selfies against the skyline. I draw Kit to the far end, into the shadows behind a pot plant. We set our glasses down on a table and next thing I know Kit is pushing me backwards against the wall. His hands slide up my sides and his lips find mine in the dark. There�
��s a desperate hunger in our kiss, as though it’s been years and not just a day since we last saw each other.
He grips me to him and I wrap my arms around his neck. His hand trails all the way down to my thigh and I hoist it up onto his hip and he holds me like that, pinned to the wall.
For a second he peels backwards and looks at me, his face dark with desire. I’m glad I’m hanging onto him or I wouldn’t trust my legs to keep me up. Behind him my classmates are setting off Chinese lanterns from the balcony. As they drift upwards into the sky they illuminate Kit’s face, making his eyes glimmer with flecks of gold. He leans forward and kisses me again just as I make a wish that it will always be like this, that we will always want each other the way we do now.
‘Shit, there you are!’
We burst apart like free divers coming up for air.
Didi’s standing panting in front of us. ‘Riley’s looking for you.’ She looks over her shoulder. ‘Shit, he’s coming!’
She turns back around and lunges at Kit, using her thumb to wipe off the telltale signs of red lipstick smeared all over his face.
‘Go hide,’ she orders me, waving her hands at me in a shooing gesture.
Not needing any more encouragement, I dart past her to the other end of the balcony, sliding into a group of girls who are all talking about college. It feels like I have two hearts in my chest, each trying to beat faster than the other. Out of the corner of my eye I see Riley appear in the doorway, carrying two drinks and frowning as he looks around. He spies Kit and Didi and marches towards them.
23
Kit
Riley appears in the French doors, scanning the balcony.
‘Just go with this,’ Didi says.
I’m not sure what she means but next thing I know she’s throwing herself on me, laying a kiss on my cheek and putting her arm around my waist. I’m too stunned to do anything and when I look up I see Riley has seen. He’s walking towards us, shooting me a sniper death stare. Shit. Didi’s hanging off me like a decoration on a Christmas tree. Maybe she’s overdoing it. I wonder if Jessa is watching.