by P. M. Briede
Her smile split her face in two. “Oh, no! I want to talk about Olivier. The look on your face tells me he hasn’t but that you’d like him to!”
“It doesn’t matter if I wanted him to or not. He hasn’t said two words to me since he left here on Saturday. Now the kids.”
She poured us each another glass of wine and settled back on my couch. “The kids are boring. Back to your music teacher. That man wants to do nothing more that carry you off for what I expect to be some seriously satisfying sex.”
I groaned as my cheeks warmed. “Is that your expert opinion? You spent maybe five seconds with him at the party. Like I told you that night he didn’t know anyone else.”
“I am an expert in human behavior. You forget that it’s a big part of my job?” I shot her a look that said I didn’t. “Olivier doesn’t strike me as someone who has trouble meeting people. There were plenty of women, married and single, the other night who would have gladly traded places with you. Your assistant being one of them.”
I shook my head as I remembered how April had trailed Olivier and me all evening, making multiple attempts to draw his attention. “It doesn’t matter. We haven’t talked since then.”
“Would you have sex with him if he asked?”
Jesus! “Enough Paige!”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to talk about it,” I growled in exasperation. “You’re being too pushy about this.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Okay. No more talk about Olivier.” I relaxed. I shouldn’t have. “Back to Wesley.”
“What are you after, Paige? Just freaking spit it out!” As much as I didn’t want to talk about this she wasn’t going to let it go. God damn dog with a bone!
“I’d like to know why you seem as terrified as a virgin on her wedding night who gazes up into the eyes of her dark, mysterious soon-to-be lover. You’ve had sex before.”
“Because this isn’t about sex! Wesley wants to change the nature of our relationship. Olivier sends my heart racing with a mere look and fulfills those perceived promises at night in my dreams.” I sighed. I hadn’t wanted to admit any of that.
“Well, how you feel about that?”
“I’m terribly uncomfortable with all of it.” The hints. The looks. The veiled promises. I’m not naïve. Wesley’s intentions caught me off guard but I was aware of Olivier’s interests. “Maybe if I don’t bring up any of it to either of them, it’ll just blow over.”
“How were you ever a successful politician’s wife given you are penchant for avoiding all conflict? Never mind, I know the answer.”
“Then pray, tell, share,” I said indignantly.
She rolled her eyes. “Partly because none of those decisions impacted your wellbeing and the ones that did Giles wouldn’t let you get away from.” She paused and arched a brow at me. “Just like I won’t. He made you think and feel about it, forcing you to be involved.”
“I’m insulted. I make decisions every day…” I got out before she cut me off.
“You absolutely do, and you’re great at it because they impact and benefit someone else. It’s business. But what’s got you in the state you’re in right now, is that you haven’t admitted to yourself that you like the attention you’re getting from Olivier and Wesley; that you like the way it makes you feel. That’s what’s keeping you from admitting to them how you feel. This decision to pursue one of them, both of them, or neither of them, impacts you and puts you in a position to disappoint people you know. It’s personal. So we need to figure out how you feel about it.”
I didn’t admit it to her, but she was right. I’d dreamed about it with Olivier a bit and considered it with Wesley the other morning, otherwise, I hadn’t given either of them a second thought. But for some reason when Paige pointed all this out it made so much more sense. I wasn’t giving them a second thought because they didn’t matter to me; it was because they did. I was still super uncomfortable with the idea of thinking about a relationship with either man, but I needed to figure out what I wanted in order to end the turmoil I felt whenever I was around them. “So where do we start?”
“How do you feel?”
“I don’t know. I’ve known Wesley forever, but it’s like I’ve known Olivier forever too. But Olivier has secrets and he works for me. They’re both attractive, smart…”
“Stop Charlotte, you’re still avoiding.”
“What do you mean? I’m totally thinking about both of them.” Irritated, I just glared at her. Was she seriously saying that I wasn’t trying to figure this out?
“Exactly, don’t think about them. You need to feel about them. If you had a pad and pen, I know that you would’ve made a comparison chart by now. You can’t figure this out that way. Besides, I never asked you how you felt about them, I asked how you felt.”
“I don’t understand. You’re just talking in circles now. How do I feel? Don’t think, feel. Not them. I am more confused now then I was before we started.”
She just shook her head and laughed. “It’s an absolute testament to Giles that you ever married him. He wouldn’t let you run away.” Despite my annoyance, I smiled. She was right; I’d tried to break up with Giles a couple of times thinking he was too good for me, but he wouldn’t let me. Because of it we’d had a wonderful life together. The thought that it was gone and had been gone for over a year now was like cold water to the face, and the tears immediately built in my eyes. In a soft, sympathetic voice, Paige consoled me. “Let it out, Charlotte. You’ll never be able to move on until you deal with how that makes you feel about Giles and what you’ve lost. I know that you’ve never talked about this with anyone, so talk about it with me.”
I closed my eyes and sobbed. I felt her move across the couch and pull me into her arms. With my head resting on her shoulder, I let the grief go. I thought about what I’d lost; I mean really lost. I didn’t just lose a husband. I’d lost a life, my life. Everything that I’d done since was counter-productive to all the plans I’d made before. Truth was, being around Olivier and Wesley reminded me of what I’d felt and had with Giles: love, romance, and passion. Being with them, talking to them, laughing with them, it all filled a hole I wasn’t sure I was ready to let go of. Even though Giles was gone, I wasn’t ready to let him go, and these other men and their spoken and unspoken intentions forced that issue. What was worse, when I was with them I didn’t care that the hole wasn’t as gaping. It was just after, when I had time to think and compare them with Giles, that the guilt and remorse and despair settled in. Rather than deal with it, I’d packed it away and didn’t think about any of them. Through sobs, sniffles, snot, and tears, I poured this all out to Paige and she just listened.
When my body let go of its last tear and stopped shuddering for a few minutes, I lifted my head and looked at Paige through bleary eyes. I felt exhausted, like I’d just run a marathon. Expecting compassion, I was instead met with her struggling to hold back her mirth. “What?!”
“I’m sorry, Charlotte, you just look so awful!” As she got up to go to the bathroom and get me more tissues, she stopped struggling and laughed freely. I knew that I should be insulted, but I also knew I was an ugly crier. I grabbed some tissues when she returned and wiped my nose and eyes. Lying back on the couch, I closed my eyes, and she put a cool, damp cloth over them.
“Thanks.”
“No problem, that’s what I’m here for. You did the same for me when my marriage dissolved.” We sat quietly for some time, and I purposely didn’t think about anything. I wasn’t falling back into old habits. I was honestly just trying to clear my mind. “You know you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. You’re not cheating on Giles. It’s a natural progression of life.”
“When did you get a Ph.D. in mental health?” I chortled then sighed. “I know but that doesn’t make it easy to not feel that way. Part of me wonders if Giles were still alive would I still feel attracted to these men and what that says about the kind of woman I am.”
&n
bsp; As she pat my leg, she responded sincerely. “No Charlotte, you absolutely wouldn’t. Firstly, while I can’t speak for Olivier, Wesley has only shared his feelings because you are single. He’s loved you forever.”
“Come again?” I interrupted. Wesley loved me?
She rolled her eyes. “Not even worth repeating. You already no it’s true.” No I didn’t! “Secondly, you wouldn’t have felt anything back, because Giles filled that need for you. We all want to love and be loved. You had that, so you weren’t looking for it.”
“I’m not looking for it now, Paige, and yet here it is. In spades! I find the whole idea of dating again so daunting. I just wish I knew what to do about it; to do about them.”
She pulled on my arms to make me sit up. Groaning, I complied and maneuvered myself with my back against the arm of the couch, so I could lean against the back to face her. “Alright, the pity party is officially over. You are being pursued by two men, without even trying, and I have no one, despite all my efforts.” She wasn’t jealous. I could tell she was actually happy for me even if I wasn’t. “It’s an interesting quandary you’re in, Charlotte. They’re complete opposites yet you find them both equally frustrating and appealing. You just met Olivier and hate his immensely secretive demeanor yet Wesley whom you’ve known almost all your life, you wish would keep more to himself. You’re quite an oxymoron; you know that right? You need to figure out which works for you.”
“What works for me is the middle ground. That’s where Giles was.”
“No, he wasn’t, Charlotte, don’t lie to yourself like that. We all have secrets, and we all choose the worst times to reveal them. Especially to the ones we love. Giles was no different. Remember, I got the phone calls when you’d been fighting. Everything that you’re complaining about with Wesley and Olivier, you complained about with Giles.”
I nodded my head and sighed. Was it really so simple? Were all men really the same but no one wanted to see it? “Fine, o wise one, what do I do now?” I asked with resignation.
She looked at me shrewdly. “You’ve got to go out with them both, at least once.”
That surprised me. “Both? Why both?”
“Because that’s the only way to know which one you like more. The event on Friday will work for Wesley. But you’ve got to ask Olivier out.”
“Why do I have to ask him out?” My whiny voice annoyed me.
“It’ll tip the scales back into your court, Charlotte. Maybe push him enough off balance that he’ll spill some of those secrets you want to know about.”
“Alright so a dates with both, then we’ll reconvene, and you’ll tell me what to do.”
“No then you’ll figure out what to do.” She handed me my glass, grabbed hers off the table, and clinked them together. “Here’s to earth shattering sex that I expect to hear all about!”
I covered my face with my arm and groaned.
* * *
“I’ve missed you, Charlotte,” that deep, drawling voice sounded behind me.
I turned my gaze away from the lake to look at Olivier only to see the last man I expected to see. “Henry! What are you doing here?”
“It’s been a long time but tell me you haven’t forgotten the many nights we spent here.” I hadn’t forgotten. I just hadn’t given them much thought in the years since college. Yet when I did I realized that beach I’d been laying on with Olivier in my dreams had been this one.
Henry was sitting on a blanket with his knees drawn up to his chest and his arms draped around them. Just like he’d always been when I’d sneak out of the sorority house to come meet him. That eager twinkle sat deep in his eyes. “You were expecting someone else,” he casually said with a sly smile.
I returned it. “I was but I’m so happy to find you instead.”
He pat the space next to him. After I sat down I looped my arms through his and leaned into his shoulder. “I’ve missed you too. You haven’t aged a day.”
He chuckled. “Easy to do when you’ve kept me trapped in your head for seventeen years.”
I looked into his deep, green eyes. “What you mean?”
“This is a dream, my dear.” My heart sank. A dream? That was a depressing revelation. “So what can I do for you?”
What could he do for me? He could make me forget. I could lose myself in him. It was just a dream, right? I leaned in and kissed him. God, it was just like it had been seventeen years ago. He tasted exactly like I remembered. His tongue gently pushed through my lips to find mine. A burn built in my stomach and spread through my limbs. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down on top of me. We’d never slept together. Our relationship had been a fire that sparked quickly and raged out of control until I felt consumed by it. I was young and the intense emotions scared the hell out of me. But they didn’t now.
“I want you, Henry,” I begged against his lips.
He froze which seemed an odd thing for a dream to do. I opened my eyes to find my unwanted friend undulating in his. That damn green fire. Pain erupted in my head and stole Henry and my dream from me.
Chapter 7
“April, what do I have on the schedule for today?”
“You have the final dress rehearsal for the Christmas musical starting in half an hour. Then Ms. Ryan needed to see you about the preliminary artwork for the senior showcase in March. The Saenger called about the dates the choir would be available for caroling during the holiday break. At two you have a meeting with Mr. Harrison and Mrs. McGuiness to go over the budget for next year. Then at four you were going to complete Mr. Cheval’s first teacher assessment. I think that’s it.”
“We need to reschedule the assessment and how long is the budget meeting supposed to last?”
“It’s planned for an hour and a half.”
“So it’ll probably last at least two, two and half hours?”
“That sounds about right. Originally you were planning to use the assessment to keep Mr. Harrison on track. When do you want to reschedule it?”
“Sometime next week.” I grabbed the folders I would need since it seemed unlikely that I would be able to easily return to my office given the full day. I put them in my briefcase and headed to the auditorium.
The meeting with Max and Tabitha ran long so it was a good thing I’d cancelled the teacher assessment with Olivier. At four forty-five p.m. I was finally walking back to my office to put my files away and pick up my dress. When I heard, “You’re late,” I looked up in surprise to see Olivier sitting in one of the wait chairs outside my office. I could tell he was trying to look irritated but was actually more amused.
“Seriously, you didn’t get the message?”
“What message?”
“April was supposed to tell you that I had to cancel. I just got out of a budget meeting with Max that I knew was going to run long. She’s supposed to be looking for a time in my calendar over the next week.”
“Probably my misunderstanding then. Since I’ve been working with the orchestra in the auditorium all day I just saw a note that said you were running behind and the evaluation would be pushed back. But since I’m still here why don’t we do it now over dinner?”
By this time I’d gotten my office door unlocked and his invitation caught me off guard. I faltered for a way to gently decline it. “I’m sorry that you’ve been waiting for forty-five minutes, Olivier, but I have plans tonight. And I’m already running late.” Surely that would effectively end the conversation. I headed towards my desk to drop off everything before heading out. There was a note from April stating Wesley wouldn’t be able to pick me up because he had to get to the venue earlier than originally planned. He was sending an aide to pick me up at six thirty. I was pulled out of the amusement I felt about his need to arrange my transportation when I turned around and saw that Olivier had followed me into my office and was staring at my dress.
“Do your plans for the evening include that dress?” His face didn’t match the friendly tone in his voice. He looked enviou
s and there was a flash in his eyes that didn’t make any sense to me.
“Yes they do,” I jokingly answered as I went to grab the garment. “Not that it’s any concern of yours.” I looked over at him and smiled but he didn’t return it. Instead he tilted his head to the side in such a way that I felt I was being thoroughly examined. “I’m sorry to have to do this, Olivier, but I’m running seriously late. So I need you to leave.”
“My apologies. I don’t mean to hold you up. With the assessment cancelled I’m leaving as well. How about you let me escort you to your car?” He didn’t wait for my agreement but came over and took the hanger out of my hand to gently drape it over his shoulder. I didn’t object because I was too focused on the electricity that once again ran up my arm and down my spine. He was already out of my office so I quietly followed him out and through the school. About halfway down the hallway towards the parking garage he paused until I caught up. “Charlotte, can I ask you a personal question?”
“Well that depends. If it’s too personal do I have to answer it?”
His chuckle brought me relief and some of the puzzling tension dissipated. “No, I suppose not. I sometimes forget that we are just newly acquainted.”
His comment gave me an in to address the past I knew we had that he kept denying. “How about I make you a deal? I’ll answer your personal question if you answer mine.”
He stole a side glance and smiled at me. “Is this the grown up version of truth or dare then? We’re too old for the dares so we’ll just stick with truths.”
I laughed at the joke as we entered the parking garage and neared my car. “I don’t know about you but I don’t necessarily consider myself too old for dares.”
Wonderment registered on his face and an impish smirk turned up the corners of his mouth. “You don’t do you? Well that’s good information to file for another time, but today we are both looking for truth. You’ve intrigued me, Charlotte, so I accept your deal. Here’s my question. How exactly does someone go about getting you to wear this dress, or something similar, with them?”