Nicholas jumped out of bed just before Jenna walked out of the room and grabbed her arm. "Wait! What happened? Why are you so mad at me?" Nicholas asked, his eyes pleading with her to tell him what he did.
"Yeah, like I want to relive one of my most traumatizing moments of my life so soon after it happened!" Jenna yelled, tears forming in her eyes. "Thanks for letting me know where I rate and that I will never match up to Leslie!" Jenna yanked her arm out of Nicholas's grasp and took off down the stairs, slamming the back door when she left.
Nicholas backed against the wall, and slumped down to the floor, head in his hands. "But I love you." He said softly and then played the scene out in his mind, over and over, looking for any clues as to why she was upset. He drew a blank, and knew that he wasn't going to give up on her that easily. He had just found love again, finally got his life back, and he wasn't going to throw that away.
*****
Jenna ran into her house and straight up to her bedroom. She threw herself down on her bed and buried her head in her pillows, sobs wracking her body. As she let out her anguishing cries, her whole body shook, feeling worse than she had in a long time. How could she have been so wrong about Nicholas? How could he have hurt her so bad? Was he just pretending to care about her to get into bed with her? At least with Kyle, she knew it was all about the sex and that he didn't try to make her believe he cared for her when he didn't.
Maybe that's what hurt the most, she felt more than betrayed, she felt duped. Nicholas made Jenna believe that he felt something for her, when all he wanted to do was feel her. How could she have spent so much time with him over the past few months and not seen it? She was so wrong about him.
Jenna wondered if there were any signs that she could have seen beforehand. She knew when they first met that he wasn't over his wife's death. He didn't try to hide it. But lately, he seemed to be making so much progress, like taking down her pictures, telling their friends that they were together, making love to her…why would he do all that stuff if he wasn't over Leslie? The only thing Jenna could think of was for sex.
The phone started ringing and Jenna groaned, trying to get ahold of herself. She looked at the caller ID to see if she even wanted to answer it.
"Nessa?" Jenna cried.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Vanessa asked.
"It's over. I hate him. He hurt me worse than Kyle did!" She sobbed.
"I'm on my way over there right now. I'm about 3 blocks from your house. Come down and let me in, ok?" Vanessa asked.
"Why are you coming over?" Jenna straightened, trying to dry her tears.
"Well, don't get mad, but Nicholas called and said he woke up to you yelling and that you ran out on him. He didn't know what to do, so he asked if I would come over and check on you." Vanessa explained.
Jenna chuckled. "Nice to see he's still keeping up with the act, pretending to care about my feelings!"
"Ok, I'm here, come down and let me in." Vanessa told her.
"It's unlocked. I'm upstairs in my room and I don't really feel like coming down. You can let yourself in." Jenna told her dryly and hung up the phone. She heard the front door open and shut, then heard footsteps on the stairs. She looked up when her bedroom door opened and Vanessa walked through.
"Ok, so what happened to get you upset enough for Nicholas to drag me out of Nathan's arms so early in the morning?" Vanessa asked playfully.
"You know what, I never asked for you to come here, so if you don't want to be here, then you know where the door is!" Jenna yelled in anger.
"Well, at least you're not bawling anymore." Vanessa joked and sat on Jenna's bed next to her. "Jens, you know I didn't mean it that way. I just meant that it had to be something really important, and I just don't understand what it was. Nicholas doesn't either. When I left you both last night, you were happier than I'd ever seen you, and from the way he talked, he was too. What changed so much between last night and this morning?"
Jenna took a minute to gather herself, trying to stay calm and not get too upset again. "Ness, last night was perfect! It was so amazing, probably the best night of my life. We made love and it was everything I could have hoped it could be and more. He was mind blowing. Then we slept in each other’s arms and had a little repeat performance this morning. Both times after we made love, or now I guess I could say after we fucked, I wanted to tell him how I felt about him. I didn't do it last night, but this morning I couldn't resist. We were laying there, both so comfortable, and I told him how I felt. I poured my heart out to him, then told him I loved him. And do you know what he said?" Jenna paused, tears coming to her eyes again. "He said, 'I love you too Leslie.' He fucking said that he loved Leslie. Whether he was calling me her name, or if he was imagining Leslie while we had sex, I don't know. But do you know how much it hurt me? Here I am thinking that we may actually have a shot at a relationship, then he goes and says that. Obviously I mean nothing to him, and he was just using me for sex. Well, I'm glad he got his rocks off because it's the last time he touches me!" The tears poured from Jenna's eyes as Vanessa pulled her into a hug to comfort her.
"Ah, sweetie. Maybe there's an explanation behind it. I don't know what it could be, but there might be. Did you let him explain?" Vanessa asked, rocking Jenna back and forth and petting her head to try to calm her down.
"He obviously saw no problem with it. He didn't apologize and he sure didn't seem to think he did anything wrong." Jenna said incredulously.
"Well, when he called me, he had no clue what happened. He said he woke up to you yelling at him, then you took off. Maybe he has no clue what he said." Vanessa tried to reason.
"But the fact is he still said 'Leslie'. You know how hard it was for me to tell him how I felt about him? And the whole time, he has Leslie on his mind? I can't deal with it anymore, I can't keep getting hurt by him." Jenna said. The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes. Vanessa had no idea what to say to Jenna. "Thanks for coming over. It helped to talk to you about this, but you don't need to be here to hold my hand. Go home to Nathan. I'm just going to shower and get ready for Colby to come home." Jenna said, moving to get out of bed.
"Are you sure? You know that I'll always be there for you. No man will ever get in the way of that." Vanessa told her.
"I know. But really, go home and let Nathan start your day off right. At least one of us should be happy right now." Jenna told her.
"Ok, well call me if you need anything, ok?"
"I will. Thanks." Jenna gave Vanessa a hug and went into the bathroom to start her shower. She could still smell Nicholas on her clothes and all over her body. It was enough to get her crying again, as she remembered his hands on her body, and the way his lips molded around- 'Just get in the shower and wash him off your body! Stop thinking about him!' Jenna berated herself.
Vanessa let herself out of Jenna's house, and before she got into her car to go back home, she had a pit stop to make.
Hearing someone pounding on his front door, Nicholas ran downstairs, putting his shirt on as he opened the door. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself!?" Vanessa asked angrily as she pushed past Nicholas and walked into his house.
"If I knew what I did, then I would be able to defend myself a hell of a lot better!" Nicholas protested.
"You don't think there is anything wrong with either thinking about Leslie while you and Jenna are having sex, or calling her Leslie? Who knows what was going through your mind when you said it." Vanessa steamed.
"What are you talking about?" Nicholas was confused.
"Jenna poured her heart out to you, telling you that she fell for you and that she loves you, and what do you say back to her? 'I love you too Leslie'? Yeah, probably not the right choice of words. What the hell were you thinking!? How could you do that to her?" Vanessa cried.
"Wait, what? She told me she loved me?" Nicholas asked, his heart dropping to the floor.
"Yeah, then you go and screw it up. It killed her when you said Leslie's name."
"
She loves me?" Nicholas asked, a small smile spreading across his face.
"Well, she did, but I doubt she does anymore. You really crushed her. You broke her heart good this time!" Vanessa reminded him.
"Vanessa, I had no clue she told me that. I fell asleep right after we made love this morning. She was drawing on my chest and it put me right to sleep. I was so far in dreamland, and didn't wake up until she was screeching at me." Nicholas told her. "I had no idea she was even talking to me. What am I going to do? I have to make this right!"
"Don't think you're going to get a chance any time soon there, lover boy. She is seriously hating you right now." Vanessa told him. "But either way, obviously you were dreaming about Leslie right after you had sex with Jenna or else you wouldn't have said her name. Still not a good move on your part."
"I was dreaming that I was introducing Jenna and Leslie, and Leslie was giving me her blessing to go ahead with the relationship with Jenna. Yeah, I'm sure it wasn't a good time to dream about it, but it was something that I needed to feel like it was okay to move on." Nicholas said.
"Well, now you don't need to move on. You've lost her now." Vanessa pointed out, moving toward the door.
"It's not over yet. I won't give up on her. I'm going to do something to make this right. I have to get her back…" Nicholas said, as his mind started to formulate a plan on how to win Jenna back.
"Well, good luck with that. I got to run though. Try not to call out Leslie's name any more today, ok?" Vanessa said as she walked out the door leaving Nicholas standing there feeling horrible, trying to think of a way to get Jenna to come back to him.
Chapter 16 Two Sides
Two weeks had passed for Nicholas and Jenna since that dreadful morning. Two weeks filled with rejected flower deliveries, unanswered phone calls, and a tortuous silence. Two weeks filled with sorrow and anguish of what could have been, but was lost in a moment.
Jenna tried to maintain her resolve and stay strong over the two weeks, and she did, but not without the help of her savior, Vanessa. Her best friend was there every day, helping her through her lonely nights, her doubts, her fears, and her tears. Vanessa had tried to make Jenna listen to reason, telling her that maybe she should let Nicholas explain, but she found that when it comes to matters of the heart, reason doesn't always prevail.
"Ness, what happened to me? I used to be such a strong person. Things like this never got to me. Something bad would happen, I'd deal with it, then move on. I feel like I can't get past this. I feel like I am a weak person now, crying all the time, wondering if I will ever find happiness again." Jenna asked Vanessa as they sat in her living room talking.
"Jenna, you had real feelings for this guy, and you felt like he broke your heart. It's not something that you get over right away. Look at me, a guy broke my heart in High School, and now I am finally learning to get over it, after how many years? Don't let that happen to you. I look back on my life since then, and I was pretty bitter towards guys, causing myself a hell of a lot of heartache. How many good guys did I let loose just because I was afraid to get hurt again? What if I hadn't met Nathan to pull me out of it, would I have been alone for the rest of my life?" Vanessa asked and sighed "I really think you need to talk this out with Nicholas. I know you don't want to hear that right now, but maybe you should listen to what he has to say for himself. Just talk to him is all I'm suggesting."
"I don't know Nessa, don't you think it's easier to just make a clean break?" Jenna asked.
"A clean break? Think about it Jenna, you live next door to the guy and because of that you see him all the time. Not to mention that your son is best friends with his daughter. Do you honestly think that you will ever have a truly clean break from him while you're living here?" Vanessa pointed out.
"So you think I should move?" Jenna's brows furrowed.
"Jens! You know that's not what I'm saying! What I'm trying to tell you is that you can't live the rest of your life avoiding him. That's not going to do any good for anyone…besides, it's virtually impossible. You need to at least talk to him, get past this awkwardness, and if you aren't going to be with him, at least get over the whole 'I'm pretending that he doesn't exist' phase."
"Ugh! Aren't I supposed to be the reasonable one here?" Jenna groaned.
"Well, yeah, but you haven't exactly been listening to reason over the past two weeks. Now, how would you like to set up this little conference? Would you like me to be there to mediate, or do you want to do it on your own?" Vanessa questioned.
"Um, how about you be here, but in the other room, just in case I need some reinforcement or something. Does that sound too wimpy?" Jenna wondered.
"If it's going to get you to talk to him again, I see nothing wrong with it." Vanessa told her. "So, pick up the phone and get his ass over here."
"Right now!?" Jenna yelled out of shock.
"There's no time like the present. When were you thinking of doing it?"
"I don't know, like next month or something, when the wounds aren't so fresh." Jenna suggested.
"Nice try, but you've had two weeks to deal with this already. Get your stupid ass over to the phone and call him right now!" Vanessa ordered.
Jenna rolled her eyes and walked to the phone timidly. She punched in the first 6 numbers before hanging up the phone. She looked over to Vanessa who was giving her the look of death, then reached for the phone again. As she redialed the first six numbers and entered the last number, Jenna could feel her heart beating as if it was going to thump out of her chest. Her mouth got dry as she listened to the phone ringing through to the other end.
"Jenna?" A deep voice asked through the phone when the ringing stopped.
"Yeah, it's me. Got to love caller ID." She tried to joke, but it came out flat.
"Is everything ok?" Nicholas asked, worried that something was wrong with her or Colby.
"Well, that depends on how you look at everything that's happened over the past two weeks." Jenna said and squinted her eyes closed. She rubbed her hand over her forehead before going on. "Listen, the reason I'm calling is that Vanessa thinks you and I need to talk some things out and she won't leave me alone until we talk, so I was wondering if you had some free time-"
"I'll be right over!" Nicholas said, cutting Jenna off before she had a chance to finish, so thankful for this opportunity. He wanted to get there before she changed her mind. He hung up his phone quick without saying goodbye and ran over to Jenna's.
Jenna sat there staring at the phone that she held in her hand when there was a knock at the back door. She looked between the door and the phone for a minute, before placing the phone back on the hook and walking towards her back door. As she opened the door, and saw Nicholas for the first time up close in two weeks, Jenna felt her stomach flutter. Although he was still as gorgeous as ever, Jenna could tell the past couple of weeks had been rough on him. His eyes looked darker, like he hadn't been sleeping well, and he hadn't shaved in a few days either. His dark, wavy hair looked like it was growing a little too far out of control.
"Hi." Jenna said.
"Hi." Nicholas replied, feeling as if his breath had been stolen from him. "I am so glad you called."
"Well, don't get too excited yet. I'm not exactly thrilled about this, but Vanessa thinks it's only fair for me to hear your side of the story." Jenna told him, trying to push her emotions deep inside her so that he couldn't see the effect he was having on her, just by standing in front of her. "Let's sit on the deck and talk, ok?"
Nicholas backed up so that Jenna could walk out the door. He felt that he needed to give her plenty of space, so that she didn't build her guard up even more than it already was. Jenna sat at the table and folded her hands in her lap, looking down as if she was afraid to look Nicholas in the eyes.
Nicholas took the seat directly across the table from her, again choosing to give her the space that she needed. He did this, even though he wanted the seat closest to her, so that he could take her in his arms and tell her every
thing as going to be alright.
"So…" Jenna said.
"Jenna, I don't even know where to start. That night that we spent together was the most perfect night. I was so happy to have you in my arms, to hold you and to love you. I have been so lost without you." Nicholas started.
"Then what happened? If you were so happy, why did you hurt me? I poured my heart out to you, told you I loved you, and all you could say was 'I love you too Leslie'? What kind of shit is that? Do you know how that made me feel?" Jenna cried.
Tears started to form in Nicholas's eyes. "I'm so sorry. I fell asleep right after we made love that morning. You wore me out, and you were putting me to sleep when you were running your hands over my chest. I was out. I didn't hear anything that you said to me. I was lost in a dream so deep that it seemed real." Nicholas tried to explain.
"You know, you're making things worse here. You were lost in a dream that seemed so real that it had you saying 'I love you too Leslie'? Yeah, not exactly what I want to hear about after we had just had sex and after I told you how I felt about you."
"After we made love." Nicholas mumbled.
"No, it's pretty obvious that it was only sex to you. We fucked, you got what you wanted." Jenna said hurtfully.
Nicholas shook his head. "How can you say that?" He asked. He reached across the table and tried to grab Jenna's hand, but she jerked it away from him. "Jenna, we made beautiful love that night and the next morning. It wasn't just sex, and it sure as hell wasn't a quick fuck. I love you Jenna. I know you don't believe me right now, but give me another chance and I'll prove it to you." Nicholas pleaded.
"Well, at least you got the name right this time." Jenna said sarcastically. She saw the hurt in his eyes when she said that, but after what she had been through over the past 14 days, she wasn't sorry for it.
Mending the Soul Page 12