by R. C. Martin
He was handsome—if not completely opposite of Geoffrey. Louis was the lumberjack to my Viking. He was tall, like Judah; and lean, like an artist with a tender soul; but obviously quite solid, like a mountain man who knew how to wield an ax. His face was covered in a full, healthy, beautifully maintained beard, leaving only his plump lips on display. He had a head covered in curly brown hair, which was on the cusp of being too long, but was actually quite perfect and rugged. Then there were his eyes—eyes that were a warm shade of brown and lit up as he smiled at Geoffrey.
It was only my second time seeing him, but I could tell by the familiarity of his outfit that who I saw was who he was. In jeans and a button-up flannel he wore untucked, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, he was the free-spirit beside Geoffrey’s sophistication. They looked adorable together, and I hoped that night would be a night both of them would remember. It was Geoffrey who invited Judah to my birthday shenanigans three years ago, and it was a night I would never forget.
Soon after Judah and I were seated, we put in our orders and fell into easy conversation. At the birthday boy’s insistence, I had saké with my dinner. By the time we’d all finished our meal and were headed to our next stop, we were both on our way to tipsy. The Tap Room was certainly not a new or extravagant place for any of us, but it was Geoffrey’s favorite. I’d also promised to keep the night low-key, which is why we all walked the short distance to the tried and true venue.
It was busy, as it usually was, but not too packed—given it wasn’t yet the weekend. Andrew was the first to spot a table that would fit all of us. As we started to settle, Louis offered to buy the first round. We all protested; but before he could argue otherwise, I jumped in and insisted that while his generosity was appreciated, it need only be directed at Geoffrey. Soon thereafter, the lumberjack and my Viking were shoulder to shoulder at the bar, perusing the extensive beer menu.
I watched them for a moment. As I did, it sunk in that if Judah and I moved—I wouldn’t get to see Geoffrey fall in love. Not with Louis, if it worked out—not with anyone. Of course we’d stay in touch, but it wouldn’t be the same.
Turning toward Judah, I admired him as I wandered through my memories. In so many ways, I was with him because of Geoffrey. I thought I wasn’t ready for him. I thought I wasn’t enough for him. But he was my happily-ever-after. Didn’t I owe it to Geoffrey to make sure he found his, too?
“What?” Judah murmured when I didn’t speak.
He slid his hand across the small of my back, and I leaned toward him to whisper in his ear. I knew it was the saké in my belly that made me bold enough to say, “If we move, we’ll miss nights like this.”
I felt him stiffen before he pulled away enough to meet my gaze. He then shook his head and muttered, “No. We won’t. Birthdays, holidays—”
“You say that now,” I interrupted on a whisper. Against my better judgment, I let my fears spill out of me as I told him, “And maybe that’ll be true for me. Maybe I’ll come back—but what about you? I know you. You’ll get swallowed up by your work, and you won’t have time. It’ll be me coming back for birthdays and holidays and—”
Touching his cheek to mine, he brought his lips to my ear and grunted, “Stop. We’re not doing this here.”
He didn’t give me a chance to say another word before he stood to his feet. I watched him button his jacket as he headed for the bar. No sooner had he gotten there than Louis and Geoffrey returned to the table. They were laughing about something, but I was too distracted to notice the easy way Louis touched Geoffrey as they finished their side conversation. It wasn’t until Carrie reached for my hand from across the table that I was pulled from my own spiraling thoughts.
You okay? she mouthed.
I nodded, then forced a smile—without a doubt I needed another drink.
An hour later, I was drunk. Not long after, when I polished off my third glass of wine, Judah refused to get me another. Annoyed that he would try to spoil my fun, I slid off my bar stool and started to walk to the bar myself. I didn’t get two steps before one of his arms was barred across my waist, my back pressed against his chest, and his lips hovering over my ear.
“You’re done. We’re going home.”
I gasped, twisting my neck to look up at him as I blurted, “I don’t want to go home!”
“Say goodnight, Theodora.”
I scowled at him, but I wasn’t so drunk that I didn’t understand the blank stare he gave me in return. He wasn’t going to yield. When I turned to look at our group, I noticed all eyes were on me. I grew flush in embarrassment. As I shifted my gaze onto Geoffrey, I tried not to tear up. He smiled at me sympathetically before he stood and made his way toward me. Judah loosened his hold around me, but kept a possessive hand at my waist as Geoffrey kissed my cheek.
“I love you. Thank you for everything. Go home, baby girl. I’ll text you tomorrow.”
I turned to kiss his cheek before he could pull away, and managed a pathetic happy birthday before we said our goodbyes. Judah guided me out of the bar, but I wiggled out of his grasp as soon as we stepped foot outside. He didn’t try to touch me again, which made me relieved and upset at the same time.
“I can’t believe you just did that in front of everyone.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not carrying you home.”
“It was a party, Judah,” I snapped. “Everyone was drinking.”
“Not as carelessly as you.”
My eyebrows tugged together, and I glared at him as I argued, “I wasn’t being careless, I was being—”
“Irresponsible? Juvenile?”
All at once, my feet stopped moving and my body jolted and swayed as my jaw fell open. This time, my tears welled up in my eyes too quickly for me to combat them. Judah was a few steps ahead of me when he realized I wasn’t with him, but he only paused and stared at me from over his shoulder. Infuriated and certain I’d only burst into tears out of frustration if I spoke another word, I clamped my mouth closed tight and stared straight ahead as we continued toward his SUV.
When we reached the end of the block, I couldn’t remember if we were supposed to turn left or right. Stubbornly, I didn’t wait to follow Judah’s lead and started to go left. I didn’t get very far before he took hold of my arm and guided me in the opposite direction. Neither of us said a word as I yanked away from his grip and continued in the direction in which I had been steered.
By the time we were in his vehicle, I could hardly see through my emotions. After our short drive home, I felt dizzy from my own thoughts. I didn’t know whether I wanted to cry, yell, fight or just give up and go to sleep. It was Judah who made up my mind for me.
“Enough with the silent treatment,” he stated as we passed through the hallway beyond the mudroom.
I whirled around and decided then and there to set my emotions free.
“You embarrassed me!”
“No. You did that on your own, sweetheart.”
The way in which he’d said sweetheart felt like a slap across my face. That was his name for me, and I instantly resented him for using it so snidely.
“How dare you,” I bit. “You want me to pick up my whole life and move away from my friends and family! You want me to give up nights just like this one. Sorry, Judah, I can’t help it that makes me sad, and I wanted a few drinks to pretend it doesn’t, because it’s my best friend’s birthday, and he doesn’t deserve that.”
“Theodora, I’m not asking you to move out of the damn country. You’ll be less than a three hour plane ride away. You can come back as often as you’d like.”
“That! That is the problem,” I cried, jabbing a finger at his chest. My tears blurred my vision, and the strangling sensation of my outburst made my voice uneven as I went on to say, “We’re supposed to do life together. Your ring is on my finger, so my ass is in your bed, right? Well, my ring is on your finger, which means I don’t want to live a life where I come back as often as I’d like, and you work and work and work and all I
get are the leftovers. I didn’t sign up for that.”
I didn’t give him a chance to respond before I turned and stomped to the bedroom. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I felt an uncontrollable drunken sob barely contained within me. Realizing I couldn’t restrain it, knowing deep down Judah was right—that I’d had too much to drink—it only made me feel worse. As soon as I stormed into the closet, I kicked my heels off and tossed aside my purse. I was reaching back for the zipper of my dress when Judah caught my wrist and spun me around.
“I’m right here, Teddy,” he muttered with a scowl. “I told you what I wanted, I asked you to think about it, and rather than talk to me about what you’re feeling, it’s you who has chosen to bottle it up. You’re not going to make me feel guilty about that.
“You want to talk about doing life together?” He let me go and took a step back with a shake of his head. “We’re supposed to make this decision together. Why do you think I asked you in the first place, huh? You don’t think I could have just told you this was what we’re doing? You know good and damn well, if I’d made the choice without you, you’d have no choice but to come. I respect you enough not to do that. I thought you’d at least have the same respect for me to fucking think and talk to me about it.”
“Or maybe I already realized it’s stupid to try talking to you about it, because you’ll resent me for the rest of our lives if I tell you no!” I cried. “And who am I to say no to you? You’re the reason we can afford to live the way we do. You’re the reason I’m able to pursue my photography. And what can I give you? Nothing. You want to create a legacy, like Eddalyn has done for herself—for you—and I can’t give you that. Harper gave it to Ben! And I keep thinking about how we can’t leave and miss Theo growing up, but I was so stupid not to understand the timing. I can’t give you a baby, so all that’s left is your work! I can’t say no to that, no matter how much I want to.”
“Theodora,” Judah mumbled as he took a step toward me. “I’ve never asked you for a child. That has nothing to do with this.”
“It does,” I muttered as I chocked back my sob, shoving my hands against his chest. “Don’t lie to me. Don’t pretend you don’t want more. This is the only way to get it. All you have is your work. I can’t tell you no, and we both know it.”
Tired of fighting it, I let myself cry. I plopped down on the ottoman bench in the middle of the closet and covered my face as I surrendered to the storm of emotions that seemed to overpower me. I felt so out of control—of my thoughts, my pain, my fear—I could barely make sense of it all.
“Teddy,” Judah murmured, straddling the space right next to me. “Sweetheart, listen to me.”
This time, his term of endearment was wrapped in affection. As he said it, he rubbed his hand comfortingly across the small of my back. That somehow made me want to cry harder.
“You’re wrong. My work is not all I have. How you could get it in your head that you aren’t the most important thing in my life, I don’t know.”
I felt his sigh when he touched his forehead to my temple and blew out a breath. “We’re not going to figure this out overnight. And after the way you acted tonight, I don’t know that you deserve to hear this—but I couldn’t live with myself if I was the reason the light in your eyes went out. Whatever we decide, we’re in this together. Hear me?”
I sucked in a shuddered breath as I tried to get control of myself. It took me a second, but when I thought I was calm enough, I twisted my neck until our foreheads were touching. Still too drunk to detangle everything I felt, I didn’t search for words. Instead, I reached for a kiss. I didn’t know whether I was apologizing or seeking the truth behind his promises—all I knew was that I’d find what I needed in his kiss.
What started as a soft, gentle exchange morphed into something more when I sought entrance into his mouth. The instant my tongue met his, a spark of desperation lit inside of me. Suddenly, I needed him closer. I wanted him as close as I could get him. Soon, I was straddling his lap, my fingers buried in his hair as his arms crushed me against his chest. At the feel of his hardening length straining against the seam in his pants, I rocked my hips in search of friction.
When I reached down to unfasten his belt, I felt frantic—like the only answer to whether or not we would be okay would be found in our union. He grunted when I managed to unbutton his pants and slip my hand inside of his boxer briefs. He tugged my bottom lip between his teeth as he unzipped my dress, and the feel of his warm hands on the bare skin of my back was my undoing.
Pushing on his shoulders, I silently told him what I wanted. He resisted only long enough to rid himself of his jacket. I helped him, but ignored the rest of his clothing as he reclined beneath me. I pulled his erection from the confines of his pants, shoved my damp panties aside, and positioned him at my entrance. As I took him inside of me, we both moaned. My head dropped back as I relished the feel of impalement, and then I began to rock my hips.
As I rode my husband, he worked the top of my dress down until it was bunched at my waist. I jerked my hips faster—harder—as he tweaked my nipples and fondled my breasts. I took hold of his wrists, signaling for him to not let me go.
“Jude,” I mewled as I bucked him harder still.
I was panting so loudly, I could scarcely hear anything else. I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt so desperate in my life.
“Fuck,” he cursed. He abandoned my breasts, and I let him go as he felt his way up my tatted thighs and around my ass. As if his need matched my own, he held onto me, synchronizing his movements with mine while he thrust into me with an urgency that set me on fire.
My orgasm barreled through me with no warning, and I cried out in ecstasy as I trembled above him. “Baby!”
Arrested by my own pleasure, I stopped moving. He took hold of my hips and held me steady as he pumped in and out of me until he found his release. As soon as he relaxed beneath me, I felt assaulted by the entirety of our night. The scene at the restaurant. The silence on our ride home. The argument we’d just had—and the sex fueled by all the angst that existed between us. I burst into tears, wishing I felt better, but still too intoxicated, anxious, and uncertain about what the future might hold.
When Judah reached up and buried his fingers in my hair at the nape of my neck, I didn’t resist his gentle pull. Instead, with his softening length still inside of me, I folded myself against his chest and buried my face in his neck. I don’t know how long I cried, only that Judah didn’t let me go.
Chapter Ten
His
After I let Teddy fuck me, I held her while she cried. By the time she calmed down, she was nearly asleep, and I was too lost in my own thoughts to notice. She was out like a light when I finally sat up. I carried her to bed, where I laid her down, stripped her naked, and tucked her in.
I don’t know how long I stood with her dress in my hand as I stared down at her. It would have been a lie to say I wasn’t irritated. I was. Just because she’d gotten me off, that didn’t excuse her behavior. Except, irritation wasn’t the only thing I felt. I also felt confused, surprised, and helpless.
I was up for a while, too distracted to find sleep. I took my suit off and readied myself for bed, but my body wouldn’t be fooled. Instead of joining Teddy, I went to my office. The moment I was behind my computer, all I could hear was my wife.
I can’t give you a baby, so all that’s left is your work!
Before I met Teddy, I was certain I didn’t want children. It wasn’t that I had anything against them, I simply wasn’t sure about them. I was convinced that same uncertainty was proof enough I wasn’t meant to be a father. Then I met Teddy and we found out she couldn’t have kids. For three years, whether or not I wanted children wasn’t something I thought about. It didn’t matter. What mattered was the fact that my woman would be childless. What I wanted was to mitigate whatever pain that might have caused her. Though, I felt blindsided by the reality of what she’d been wrestling in her mind.
She’d to
ld me no, and I asked her to think about it. I didn’t anticipate that her thinking about it would lead to any sort of feelings of obligation. Furthermore, how she justified her obligation was appalling and not at all how I wanted my partner to feel. To her, California wasn’t a possibility, it was a penance. While I wanted to go—while even her outburst hadn’t changed my mind—I wouldn’t do that to her even if she agreed.
It was nearly one in the morning when it occurred to me that I couldn’t expect her to make up her mind about a place and a life she’d never actually experienced. Fifteen minutes later, our flights were booked. Thirty minutes after that, our lodging accommodations were secured. That done, I was finally at ease enough to find sleep. Not surprisingly, despite my decision to skip my morning workout, I was up, showered, dressed and on my way to work before Teddy began to stir. It was nearly ten o’clock when my phone began to ring. I knew, without even having to look, it was Teddy.
“Hello?” I answered, glancing out of my office door.
I heard her take a breath before she murmured, “I’m sorry.”
The view before me grew out of focus as I concentrated on the voice in my ear. “We’ll talk about it when I get home.”
She hesitated, and I knew she wanted to say more. Instead, she asked, “Can you leave early?”
Remembering the travel plans I’d arranged in the wee hours of the morning, I knew that meant the next couple of weeks would require a few extra hours squeezed in here and there. But our trip wasn’t the only thing I remembered.
I don’t want to live a life where I come back as often as I’d like, and you work and work and work and all I get are the leftovers.
“I’ll see what I can do,” I acquiesced.