“Thanks,” I said. And for the first time I noticed that his large eyes were a pretty golden-brown color like a caramel candy.
He turned to go, and I suddenly called out, “Liz says hi too.”
Little Jimmy smiled.
“You won’t tell anyone?” I asked.
“Of course not!” said Little Jimmy. “Feel better, Marlee.”
That night, I searched through all the papers and books he had brought, looking for a card or paper heart, but I didn’t find one. I was a little disappointed.
It was early March by the time I was well enough to go back to school. When the day finally came, I was excited. “Ready to go, Daddy?” I asked.
“Mother’s going to take you today.”
“Why?”
“I’m going to be subbing at your school,” said Mother.
“What?”
“The school board came up with the idea of using the high school teachers as substitutes at the schools for the younger students,” explained Mother. “They get qualified substitutes, and the school system saves money, since they’re paying us regardless.”
“You two can take the car,” said Daddy. “I’ll ride the bus.”
Now, I love my mother. I was glad she had helped me fold the flyers. But the only thing I could imagine that was worse than being in junior high was having Mother come with me to junior high.
“Some of the other teachers are against it,” Mother continued as we drove to school. “I guess they think it’s beneath them to teach the younger grades. Or maybe they’re afraid of maintaining order. But I’m thrilled to finally have something to do.”
I nodded and prayed that no one would see us together. Soon as we arrived at school, I waved to her. “Bye!” I said. “See you at home.”
She headed off to the office to get her assignment.
I went on to Miss Taylor’s class and found my seat. Sally leaned over to me. “Welcome back.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“Was that your mother I saw outside the school this morning?” Sally asked.
“No,” I lied, and got up to sharpen my pencil.
JT caught up with me at the sharpener. “Marlee!” he exclaimed. “You’re back.”
I sighed. “Hi, JT.”
“Am I ever glad to see you,” he said. “I tried cheating off Sally, but she’s not so good at math, and Mr. Harding said if I don’t get help soon, he’s going to have to hold me back.”
“JT,” I said, “I told you I’m done helping you.”
“Okay, okay. Can’t blame a guy for asking. One of these days you’ll change your mind.”
Not in a million years.
The bell rang, and we both took our seats.
Miss Taylor still wasn’t there. I can’t believe I didn’t realize what was going to happen, but I didn’t, not until the door opened and she came in.
My mother smiled at me. She actually waved, like she was on stage or something. I tried to sink down into my seat and disappear.
“Hello, class. My name is Mrs. Nisbett.” She wrote her name on the board in big block letters. “Miss Taylor is out sick with the flu, so today I’m going to be your teacher.”
JT raised his hand. “Aren’t you Marlee’s mother?”
“Why, yes.” Mother looked pleased. “Yes, I am.”
What I wouldn’t have given for another case of the measles.
In the cafeteria, the talk was all about Sally’s upcoming birthday party. She was going to have it at Troy’s Roller Rink and had invited everyone. When I’d had my fill of discussing cake flavors and party dresses, I got up and walked over to where Little Jimmy was writing in his notebook. “Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” he said, and blushed.
“Thanks for bringing my homework by my house.”
Little Jimmy shrugged. “No problem.”
“Want to come sit with Sally and Nora and me?” I asked.
He glanced at Sally and Nora, then back at me. “Why?”
“Well,” I started, “it’s a big table, and Sally always sits at that end, and I’m in the middle, but there’s no one at the other end. And you’re here by yourself, and I just thought, why use two tables when one would work?”
“Oh.”
“And I wanted to say thank you for bringing by my homework,” I finished.
“You mentioned that,” he said.
“So will you?” I asked.
“Sure.” He smiled and picked up his notebook.
I took his bagged lunch and moved it to the far end of our table.
“Marlee, what are you doing?” asked Sally.
“Inviting Little Jimmy to join us for lunch,” I said.
“Why?” asked Sally.
“If it’s a problem . . . ,” said Little Jimmy.
“No,” I said. “Sit down.”
He did.
Sally rolled her eyes and continued her discussion of party decorations with Nora.
Little Jimmy kept his eyes on his notebook. He still had his pen in his hand, as if he couldn’t decide if he should talk to me or continue writing. I remembered what Liz had said to me. “Don’t worry,” I whispered. “You don’t have to actually talk to me. Just sitting here is enough.”
Little Jimmy smiled and put his pen down. His eyes crinkled, and I knew what he was doing. He was saying the words in his head. I wondered what was going to come out.
Just then, Mother came over to our table.
“Marlee, do you know Mrs. Dalton’s boy, that nice James-Thomas?” asked Mother.
Of course I knew JT. But Mother pointed him out like I’d never seen him before. He turned, as if he could feel her gaze, and waved. She grinned in return.
“Yes,” I said finally.
“Well,” said Mother, “he told me he was having trouble in math, and you’re so good at it, I thought you could tutor him. He said that would be swell and to meet him today after school in the library. I’ve got some paperwork to do anyway, so I’ll wait for you, and then we can drive home together.”
What? I’d finally told him no, once and for all, and my mother had gone and told him yes. I was so mad, I couldn’t think straight. The words bottled up in my throat like people running from a fire, all trying to rush the door at once.
I glared at her, hoping she would notice something was wrong. But she just looked pleased with herself.
“Well, I have to go get ready for my next class. See you after lunch, Marlee!”
Little Jimmy watched her go. Then he turned back to me, with his big brown eyes. “Are you okay, Marlee?”
I shook my head.
The final bell rang, and it was time to go to the library. I trudged there, my feet as heavy as my heart. JT was sitting on a table waiting for me. “Hi, Marlee!”
I opened my own math book and did the assignment. Furiously. Pressing the pencil down so hard, it broke. Twice. Each time I had to get up to sharpen it, I told myself I could just walk out of there. I could flee. I wasn’t chained to the desk or anything. I could just go to Mother and tell her everything, tell her I had liked JT, but now I didn’t, and I didn’t want to do his work anymore, but I needed help telling him no, and she wasn’t helping. JT kept whistling the entire time, flipping through the pages of a comic book.
When I was done, I picked up the paper and threw it at him. But paper doesn’t throw very well, unless you fold it into a paper airplane, which I hadn’t done, so it just kind of slid into his lap.
“Thanks, Marlee,” said JT as he placed the homework in his comic book and closed it. “See you around.” And he started to stroll out of the library.
I hated him. I was going to tell him so. I was going to throw words like daggers at him, I was just figuring out which ones to say. If you
ask me to do your homework again, I’ll tell Mr. Harding. I’ll get my big brother to come beat you up and—
My mother walked into the library. “You kids done already?” she asked.
“Yes, ma’am,” said JT.
“Well then, come on. I’ll drive you home.”
I sat in the backseat as far away from JT as possible, pressing myself into the side door. Neither he nor Mother seemed to notice. Mother chattered the whole way home, and JT laughed at all the right spots. When we reached JT’s house, Mrs. Dalton was waiting on the front porch with a tray of lemonade.
JT climbed out first, and Mother turned back to me. “Get out, Marlee, and let’s go say hello.”
I shook my head.
“Marlee!”
I got out of the car. Mrs. Dalton looked like a delicate bird wrapped in a silk scarf, huddled up in a wicker chair on her porch. She acted glad to see us, though she didn’t say much. The lemonade was too sweet, and the cookies were dry and crumbly. Mother and JT chatted and laughed, while I got quieter and quieter.
“Are you going to Sally’s party next month?” JT asked.
I nodded.
“What’s this?” asked Mother.
“Sally McDaniels is having a birthday party at the roller rink,” explained JT. “I wanted to ask if Marlee would go with me.”
What? Like a date?
“Oh, that would be lovely,” said Mother.
No, it wouldn’t. It would be terrible.
But even Mrs. Dalton nodded. “I’d be happy to drive them there and pick them up.”
“Then it’s decided,” said Mother.
No one even asked me what I thought. And I didn’t say a thing.
36
FACING FEARS
Tuesday afternoon in the rock crusher, I felt pretty down when I met Liz. “I’ve been doing so well!” I moaned. “Speaking up, saying what I mean. And then my mother had to come to school and ruin it all!”
Liz and I were leaning against the big stone in the meadow and looking at the sky. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset. I thought you kind of liked JT.”
I’d never told her what JT had called her when he’d found out she was colored. I didn’t see a reason to now. “That was ages ago,” I said. “JT is a jerk.”
“Maybe you like someone else?” asked Liz. “Little Jimmy?”
I laughed. “He’s four feet tall and as skinny as a bean pole.”
She shrugged. “People grow. I always thought he was kind of nice.”
He was kind of nice. On the float, asking about Liz, I’d thought he liked her too. And he’d brought me my homework on Valentine’s Day. Maybe Liz was right. Maybe I really should give him a second look.
“Come on,” said Liz. “It’s a beautiful day. Tommy has an extra-long practice. Two hours. There must be something I can do to cheer you up.”
It was a beautiful day. It was only March, but it was warm and the field was full of wild crocuses, jonquils and Indian paintbrush. When I was little, Judy and I would spend every afternoon like this in the rock crusher, picking flowers and wading in the creek.
“Let’s catch crawdads,” I said.
“Ugh,” said Liz. “Isn’t there something else you want to do?”
I turned and looked at her in surprise. Liz was usually game for anything. “What’s wrong with crawdads?”
Liz blushed. “I don’t like creepy-crawly things. Spiders. Roaches. Crawdads.”
I had to keep myself from grinning. It made me feel good to know that there was something she was afraid of. “Isn’t it important to face your fears?” I asked.
“Do I have to get in the water to catch them?”
“Oh, yeah,” I said. “That’s the best part.”
“Then, no.”
“You weren’t afraid of turtles.”
“They are reptiles. With a nice hard shell. And no scary pinchers.”
“Come on, Liz.”
She looked at me a long time. “What are you afraid of?”
“Talking.”
Liz laughed. “Besides that.”
I thought for a moment. “Heights.”
“Fine,” said Liz. “I’ll catch those crawdad thingies with you, but then you have to climb a tree with me.”
“Facing our fears, huh?”
“You know it.”
And because I realized I wasn’t thinking about JT or Mother or the roller-skating party anymore, I agreed.
Which is how we found ourselves with our shoes and socks off, holding our skirts up as we waded in the creek. The water was cold, but the sun was warm on our backs. “My toes are freezing,” complained Liz.
I ignored her. “What you have to do is flip over a rock or old log or something. Anything where a crawdad might like to hide.”
I flipped over a rock. There was a huge crawdad, six inches long, just sitting there. I scooped it up with an old tin can we had found in the woods and brought it over to show Liz.
She took one look at it and shivered. I grinned and dumped it back into the stream.
“Your turn now,” I said. Liz turned over a rock or two but found nothing.
“You need bigger rocks,” I said, and pointed to a small boulder a few feet away.
It was heavy, so I helped Liz flip it over. “I see one!” she exclaimed, and was so excited, she dropped her skirt in the water.
I handed her the can. “Scoop it up.”
“It might pinch me.”
“Put the can in the water, a few inches behind the crawdad, but far enough away that you don’t scare it.”
Liz, moving slowly, placed the can into a crevice between two stones directly behind the crawdad. I handed her a stick. “Now wiggle the stick in front of the little guy. Pretend you’re a fish or a snapping turtle or something.”
Liz looked doubtful, but splashed the stick in the water right in front of the crawdad. Just like I knew it would, it moved a few steps backward.
“Again,” I said. “Keep him moving back into the can.”
Liz didn’t breathe as she wiggled the stick. The crawdad moved into the can. Only one little pincher was peeking out.
“What now?” whispered Liz.
“Now you pick it up.”
Liz bent over and put her hands in the water. She reached for the can, and slowly drew it out of the water. She was so quiet, we could hear the crawdad scrabbling inside. “I got it!” she breathed.
“Not so bad, was it?”
Liz couldn’t stop grinning. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s catch some more.”
An hour later, it was my turn. We stood in front of a huge oak tree on the edge of the meadow. I looked up. “You expect me to climb this?” I asked.
“Hey,” said Liz. “I caught those creepy little things.”
“You liked it,” I said.
“Well, then, maybe you will too.”
I sighed. “What do I do first?”
“Reach up and grab that branch,” said Liz.
I did so.
“Now pull yourself up.”
I gave her a look.
“Just that branch,” Liz said. “You don’t have to go any higher.”
So I pulled, and she pushed, and then I was up in the tree, my arms wrapped around the trunk. You’d think that after going up in an airplane, climbing a tree would be easy. But it wasn’t. You can’t fall out of a plane. There’s a seat belt. And the wind blows, but it’s outside, not trying to loosen your grip on the branches. I felt dizzy and closed my eyes and started to count . . . 2, 3, 5, 7 . . . Then I felt Liz’s hand on my shoulder. “Open your eyes,” she said.
I did. I was only about five feet off the ground, but already I was surrounded by leaves and oak flowers. It
was a different world. There were even a few old bunches of acorns from last fall, clinging to the branches.
“Are you all right?”
I nodded. And it was true. My heart was beating fast and I was scared, but I knew that feeling now. I’d had it before. When I did the presentation at school and when I got on the airplane, and both times I’d been okay.
“All you have to do,” said Liz slowly, “is watch my hands and feet. Put your hands where I put my hands. Place your feet where my feet go, and you’ll be fine.”
I nodded.
Liz started to climb. I stared at her white lace socks and saddle shoes, and I watched where her right hand went (she had a bit of dirt under her thumb) and where her left hand went (there was a bit of old red nail polish on her ring finger), and I repeated times tables in my head until I was able to follow her. Pretty soon, we were high enough that I could feel the tree swaying back and forth in the wind.
“It’s okay,” said Liz. “It’s not going to blow over or anything.”
But I wasn’t worried. “It’s like flying,” I said. “The airplane rocks like that when you take off.”
“Isn’t the view amazing?” Liz sighed.
I was still staring at her feet. Taking a deep breath, I gripped the tree tighter and wrenched my gaze away from her saddle shoes.
The view was beautiful. In one direction, I could see the large rock we liked to sit on, and in the other, the rolling Arkansas hills. The late-afternoon sun turned all the new light green leaves to gold, like King Midas had been walking through the forest.
“It worked,” I said. “You cheered me up.”
Liz didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to. We stayed in the tree a long time, watching the leaves and the squirrels and listening to the birds. Together.
37
THE ROLLER-SKATING PARTY
The week before the party, Mother and I went to Cohn’s Department Store to buy me a new dress. I knew Mother was trying to be nice, but I would have preferred to have worn a hand-me-down from Judy and spent the money on a new package of graph paper, a box of pencils and a new protractor. The whole time we were at the store, I kept thinking, I don’t want to go with JT. But what kept coming out instead was “Do you like this color?” or “Is this one too expensive?” I ended up getting a yellow dress with a full skirt that flew out like a buttercup when I twirled around. Mother said I looked beautiful. But I was disappointed I hadn’t managed to say one real sentence to her, not one that told her how I was really feeling.
The Lions of Little Rock Page 15