by Frankie Love
And maybe it’s crazy, to think I am the woman who can understand him... But I do. I am.
In the same way, he lets my tears fall against his chest as I tell him the painful facts of my fake marriage. The condemnation, and the judgment I felt every day.
He asks, “But do you believe in a God that would let this happen? Do you believe in God at all?” His room is dark, the lights are off, and there is nothing to see but the truth.
“I believe in love,” I tell him. “I believe in hope. I believe in the promise of a better life.”
“It sounds like you’re avoiding the question.” Hawk doesn’t beat around the bush, he wants to understand things completely before he gives his opinion. I love that about him: he doesn’t jump to conclusions about people—the exact opposite of my ex.
“Hawk, I believe in God, but not the kind of God Luke forced me to pray to. I believe in something eternal; I believe in destiny. I believe that because I found you, we were brought together. This has to be divine intervention.”
Hawk kisses my forehead, his arms wrap around me, pulling me closer. “I don’t know if it was God, but I think it was certainly fate.”
It’s always like this with Hawk. For the last eight days, we’ve spent hours upon hours hashing out what we want, what we believe, who we are... Who we wish to be.
But I know disappearing into his arms and body every night isn’t everything. The nighttime hours feel like I’m dreaming, and when I wake each morning and have Harper and Jaxon gently pressuring me to call Luke, I know I can’t stave them off forever. They deserve more than that. They deserve to have my situation with Luke taking care of.
Today, I’m going to call him. I don’t tell Hawk this because part of me is so ashamed of the marriage I had with Luke that I don’t want anyone else to hear our conversation. Even if I trust Hawk–and I do–it doesn’t take away the reality that this is a mess I made. Hawk shouldn’t have to clean it up.
The babies are napping and Harper and I are cleaning up lunch. Rosie and Stella’s families are coming over tonight for dinner, we’re having a big barbecue outside. We have a big list of things to do before the babies wake up and the others arrive. There are baked beans in the crockpot, but we need to finish the sides and make the hamburger patties.
“So, I’m gonna start with the coleslaw, do you want to do the potato salad?” Harper asks.
“Yeah, of course. But first I’m gonna make a phone call. The one I’ve been putting off for a while.”
Harper raises an eyebrow. “Are you gonna call Luke?”
I nod. “I know I’ve been putting it off all week, and it’s not fair to you or anybody really. So, I need to call him, and at least try to convince them to stop harassing you guys.”
“Do you want to talk on speakerphone, so someone else hears...”
I shake my head. “I need to do this myself. I need to figure out a way to be strong with him. Because all I’ve ever been is weak.”
Harper nods and I know she understands this. It took strength for her to walk away from her family, stay away from Luke. She knows that this isn’t easy.
“Okay sweetie,” she says, squeezing my shoulder. “I’m here for you. Whatever you need. We’re all here for you.”
I nod, appreciating how understanding she is. I step out to the back porch. The deck is beautiful, huge and plenty of space for all the tables that will be set out tonight.
I take a seat in an Adirondack chair and pull the flip phone from my pocket. Pressing Luke’s number into it, I hold the phone to my ear, steeling myself for whatever comes next.
“Hello? Who is this?” Luke asks into the phone.
I take a deep breath. “It’s me. Honor.”
“It about time, you little heathen.”
“Don’t, please. Don’t start like that,”
“How would you like me to start, Honor? You ran away from everything you know is true and right. The church. And you left with my children.”
“You don’t care about the boys, you only care about yourself.”
“Don’t get short with me. How dare you run off to a place like Jaxon and Harper’s? You know how evil they are.”
I look around Jaxon and Harper’s beautiful property. Acres and acres of forests, wildflowers growing in their lawn, a gorgeous swing set situated to the left, and a fire pit on the right. It’s an idyllic place, a place full of love and companionship. A place a family belongs.
“I don’t want to talk about Jaxon and Harper. I want to talk about us.”
“Oh, that’s rich, Honor. I don’t want to talk to you at all. I want you to get yourself in the van and bring home my children. I need you here where you belong.”
My fingers wrap tight around the phone, my knuckles white. My blood thick. “I’m not coming home, Luke. I’m not coming back to you. We’re done.”
“Like hell we are. You’re my wife, and I can’t have my congregation see that you left me.”
“Where do they think I am right now?”
“You are visiting a suffering cousin.”
“Oh, and Harper is the suffering cousin? It’s ridiculous. I came here because she was the only—person—who would accept me.”
“You need to get home.”
“Or what? What are you gonna do? You want me to go to the police?”
“I know you won’t go to the police. Because you have a bleeding heart; because you know what that will mean for your family, for True and for Kind—and their children. You’re not going to let them be split apart, their homes to be ruined.”
“You don’t know anything about me or what I’m capable of,” I tell him.
“I’m coming for you in a week. You don’t want to come back? Fine, I’ll drive to that place myself and I’ll put those children into the van and I will drive you home. Do you understand?”
Tears stream down my face, he knows me all too well. I don’t want him to know me at all. “You won’t, you won’t really come here.”
“Yes, I will. And I know you won’t really go to the cops.”
“Jaxon needs you to stop calling him. You need you to stop it, Luke, please.” I know I’m trying to reason with a madman, but I have no other choice. I don’t want to go to the cops. It’s the last thing I want. It would ruin so much for the people I still love. People who don’t seem strong enough to leave yet.
I’d rather slowly help Kind and True find a new life for themselves, not rip their children from their arms and be sent to child protective services. That’s what would happen if I called the cops right now, and they broke up this church that Luke has created.
Luke knows that.
“Luke, just give me two weeks. Two weeks where you promise you won’t call Jaxon. I can’t have you coming yet. I need more time... Please?”
I can practically hear Luke’s fury over the phone call. “Two weeks. Two weeks and that’s it. You’ve had your time off playing, tramping around like a little whore. But you know where you belong. Here with your children and sister-wives. Who are you to take our boys from their father? You don’t have it in you. Two weeks. That’s it. And then I’m coming and I’m getting you. And you’re coming home where you belong.”
I’m shaking, but two weeks is better than nothing. In two weeks’ time, maybe I can figure out a future for myself. A future that doesn’t involve the police.
I blink, squeezing my eye shut, thinking of Hawk... wanting a future with him, but knowing Hawk doesn’t even have a house. He can’t take me and my children under his wing. There is an expiration date to this dream. To this fantasy. Do I want to say in this fantasy forever? Of course, I do. But the reality is I have three mouths to feed. And I can’t stay at Harper and Jaxon’s forever.
“Fine,” I tell him. “Two weeks. Two weeks and then—”
“And then I’m going to bring you home.”
I drop the phone on the deck, it skitters across the patio before coming to a stop. My heart stops too.
I have two weeks befo
re I have to say goodbye to a life that was never mine in the first place.
Chapter Fourteen
Hawk
The moment I get home from work, I see that Honor’s a mess.
My heart goes out to her. Tonight is all about having a little fun, friends coming over and having a barbecue.
But Honor is all bent out of shape.
It’s unusual for her. I’ve watched her the last week, and it seems no matter what, Honor can take whatever life throws at her in stride, but not right now. Right now, she’s in pain.
Rosie and Buck and their kids are streaming into the house, along with Stella and Wilder’s family, and I do my best to motion to her discreetly to join me in our shared bathroom so I can hear how her day has been, but we keep getting cut off.
Rosie wraps Honor in a hug, asking about her potato salad recipe, and Wilder and Buck drag me out to the back deck, handing me a beer.
“This job is a killer in July, isn’t it?” Buck asks.
“Sure is,” I tell him. “But it’s good to be outside. Never thought I’d say it, but I don’t even miss being under the hood of a car.”
“I hear ya,” Buck says. “I ran a grocery store for a few years, down in town, but was never satisfied. Then I decided to start doing my wood carving, and I made a good living off it, thought I’d finally found my thing—but then Jaxon handed me a hammer. I built a home and I never looked back. There’s something about creating a place for a family to live that is more meaningful than any other work I’ve done.”
Dean laughs. “Damn, we should get that TV crew back out here, record you waxing poetic.”
“Fuck off,” Buck says, a grin on his face. “We don’t need a TV crew back here, ever.”
“Agreed. Hell, we’ve all found our women, we don’t need anything else.”
The guys look at me, shrugging. “Well, I guess you still need to find yourself a nice girl,” Buck says.
Jaxon frowns. “Eh, Hawk is still young. What are you, barely 24?”
I nod.
“Yeah, you need to spend more time sowing your wild oats.”
I want to tell them I don’t have anything to sow— that I already found my woman— but I know Honor would hate that. She isn’t ready to be open about our relationship— and honestly, I’m not either. I love our little cocoon every night and don’t exactly want to fuck up that precious ecosystem we’ve just begun to build.
Dean claps me on the back. “In five years then, you can settle down.”
I cock a brow at him. “You think you know what I need?”
Jaxon laughs. “I know what you need. I bet two weeks without a woman in your bed is longer than you’ve ever gone.”
The guys all laugh at this, and I just shake my head.
“Regardless,” I say. “I really do love the work. And I’d never have considered it if I hadn’t gotten myself in such a mess.”
“Is it all sorted now?” Buck asks.
I nod. “Yeah, I met with the judge before I came out here and the other guy dropped the charges, thank God. I didn’t want to lose my savings over an asshole in a bar.”
“You bang the guy up pretty good?” Buck asks.
I shrug. “He got some stitches; he’s fine. And hell, he started it.”
“Good to hear, man,” Wilder says. “We’re always looking for full-time men to join the crew.”
Jax laughs. “He’s been here a week. Let’s see how he’s feeling in a month, okay?”
I raise my empty bottle and head to the cooler to grab another. As I do, I see Rosie and Stella deep in conversation with Honor over by the swing set. The women each have a baby in their arms, but you can tell they are talking heatedly.
Harper is walking toward the guys with a fussing baby in her arms, I stop her and ask what the girls are talking about.
“You want the gossip?” Harper laughs, handing me Honor’s son Timothy. “Then hold him and let me get a glass of wine.”
I pat Tim’s back, bouncing him gently. He laughs at me, clapping his hands together.
“Look at you,” Harper says, returning with a glass of white wine. “You’re a natural.”
I swallow hard, choking on her words. They are words that I fucking love to hear. I want to be a natural at this. The kind of man Honor needs to help raise her children.
“So, what’s the story?” I ask, nodding toward the women.
“Well, Honor called her ex today. She told him she’d go back in two weeks.”
I pull back, the words shocking me. “No way,” I say. “I don’t believe it.”
Honor shakes her head. “Right? It’s the truth, though, she talked to Luke and he told her she needed to come back, then she came to me and told me everything. I really thought I’d convinced her to stay, to let the police get involved, but then her sister-wives called.”
“Hell,” I say, knowing this isn’t going to end well.
“Yeah, well, they told her that Luke has been horrible to them since she left, how they need her back so Luke will calm down.”
I run my hand over my beard, imagining Honor going through this today. It eats me up inside.
“So now what?” I ask.
“Now she feels awful. She says staying here is selfish.”
“But what about her boys?” I ask, my voice louder than I intended. “She can’t go back and do that to them.”
Harper raises an eyebrow. “I know, Benjamin. But it’s not our life. The kids aren’t being beaten, she swears Luke has never laid a hand on her.”
“Emotional abuse is abuse, too.”
Harper’s eyes narrow. “I know. I used to be engaged to the man. I know what being with him is like. But if she goes to the police so many families will be ripped apart.”
“You’re being weak. You should go to the cops now.”
“And say what?” Harper scoffs. “Tell them a man is cheating on his wife? True is the only one he’s legally married to.”
“Did your father take other wives? Or any other church members?”
Harper sighs. “I think so. But honestly, I haven’t talked to my parents in years. I was excommunicated.”
“See, then how you can just stand by—”
“I’m not standing by anything. It’s just a lot more complicated than telling the cops. You wouldn’t understand. You are too young and haven’t been through—”
“We’re the same age, Harper. And just because my family never joined a cult, it doesn’t mean I don’t understand life being complicated. I just don’t want Honor to go back there.”
Harper sighs, blinking back tears. “I know. I just want Honor to stay here and away from men altogether.”
“You mean away from Luke?”
Harper shrugs sadly. “Away from anyone and anything that’s going to distract her from getting her life back together. She’ll need a way to provide for herself eventually. She needs to call social services. They’ll help her with housing and job training.”
I hate that idea. Honor moving away, to the city where public housing is. I want her here on this mountain.
I want her here with me.
I sure as hell don’t want her back with Luke.
Chapter Fifteen
Honor
For the next week, I avoid the reality of the ticking time clock of my life.
Hawk tries to comfort me, reason with me... but it’s hard to talk about my situation without getting emotional.
“I just can’t imagine how you would choose that, knowing what you do.” Hawk shakes his head at me as he paces around his bedroom. It’s late at night and Timothy is in his arms. Hawk pats his back, soothing him. He woke up crying and found comfort in the arms of the very same man I find comforting.
I watch Hawk pace the bedroom without a shirt on, the lamplight casting a warm glow across the room, and see my little baby boy suck on his thumb and nestle deeper against Hawk’s chest.
“It’s not as simple as what I want. It’s not just me. How many times do I ha
ve to say that?” I’m explaining the same thing over and over to him. “You could never understand because you’ve never met my sister-wives. They may be judgmental women, but it is because they are so confused. They are so much like me, in their twenties, their arms full of babies, brainwashed into believing things about themselves that just aren’t true.”
“Don’t you want more for them?” Hawk asks.
I close my eyes. “I hate that you think I’m being weak right now because the truth is, Hawk, this is me being strong.”
“Sacrificing yourself isn’t always strength.”
“It is,” I tell him, my voice in a loud whisper.
“Maybe for some people, but not for you, Honor. That’s not what this is about.”
“What is it about then?” I ask.
“It’s about you being scared to take what you really want, what you are so close to having. Are you gonna throw it all away for Luke? It’s bullshit, Honor.”
“You’re gonna wake up Timothy,” I say, taking my baby from his arms, and carry him through the bathroom back to his crib. I set him down in his Pack ‘n Play and he curls up into a ball and goes back to sleep. I sigh deeply, so frustrated that Hawk and I aren’t seeing eye to eye.
But unless Hawk wants to take care of me and the boys... I can’t see a future with him. Not now, not like this. We can’t stay at Jaxon and Harper’s place forever.
“Honor,” he says, walking back into my bedroom. “Baby, it’s gonna be okay.” He pulls me into a hug, and we stand in my bedroom, the queen-size bed flanked by cribs on either side. This room is so full.
Full of pain for the past. And full of fear for our future. I close my eyes, breathing him in. Not wanting to let go.
He wraps his arms more tightly around me, tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I love you, Honor,” he tells me.
The room is so quiet; all I hear is the breathing of my boys. The beating heart of my man. And I don’t want to go back to Luke. Imagining True and Kind’s life is painful, picturing them being at the mercy of a man who is full of anger... but then I imagine my life.