by Frankie Love
Honor
It’s been five days. Five days of hearing nothing from Hawk.
I feel like a fool. I let myself believe he loved me.
Then he left the first chance he got.
Stop it, I tell myself. It’s not fair to take this all out on him. What was he supposed to do? He’s not exactly welcome here. He doesn’t even have my number. And somewhere in the flurry of the last two weeks, I can’t seem to remember where I put his.
I remember him giving it to me, scrawling his numbers on a piece of scrap paper after that first night together, parked outside the diner.
“Where are you going?” Harper asks as I load up a baby bag, buckling Titus in the infant car seat in her living room. “You keep leaving every day, and I don’t know where you’re going. You can’t freeze me out forever.”
I look at Harper, my mouth set in a firm line. I need to figure out a way to get out of here. Soon. I don’t have much money left—exactly $43. Enough for gas to get me back to the city a few more times.
“I’ve been making appointments with social services, just like you told me to.”
“And? Are you getting very far?”
“No, I’m not.” Titus is already fussing his car seat. “Anyway,” I say, not meeting her eyes, “I gotta go.”
I need to drive to another office where I'll sit in a crowded waiting room, waiting for someone to take me seriously.
But I’m a single mom with a bunch of children, and I’m not alone in needing help. Especially since I’m not answering the questions the government employees are required to ask.
Yesterday I sat in an office, finally being seen, and asked if there was any way I could get help for rent.
The woman was busy, and I don’t blame her, I’m just one of the dozens of people she sees each day. Everyone needs something from her. Her hands are tied—it’s not like she can just start writing checks to women in need.
“I’m just trying to get the facts straight, dear,” she said, bringing her coffee to her lips. “Who is the father? And where were you living before you arrived at your cousin’s? If you’re in danger—”
“I’m not in danger. I just—”
How do I say don’t want to tell you where I come from? How do I say I don’t want to give you more information?
“I’m just trying to understand my options here,” I tell her. “Is there job training or—”
“Sweetie, are you running from someone?” she asks.
I shook my head, not wanting to give up my story yet. Not without the permission of the other wives.
“I just want to know my options,” I tell her.
“Well, you can fill out the form—the application for assistance.”
I flip through it, overwhelmed with what I read. They need to know my Social Security number, my address, my medical history—all things that are stressing me out.
“It seems like a lot of paperwork.” It’s not the actual task that has me overwhelmed--it’s the information they require me to give in order for me to receive help.
The woman looked at me blankly. “Honey, we need this information in order for you to get assistance.”
“I understand. Is there a women’s shelter, somewhere I could go...”?
“There is, but the shelter here doesn’t have very many spaces. I could put you on a waiting list...”
I shook my head. Not ready to take that step. To give her my name.
“Thank you. I have a lot to think about.” I stood, Timothy, Titus, and Thomas nestled close to me. Titus is in a sling and Timothy on my hip. I hold Thomas’s hand as we walk out.
“You forgot the application,” the lady said.
I turn back and take it from her hand, shoving it in my diaper bag.
I left Luke because I wanted a better life for myself... And I know what going down this route costs.
It’s not that I’m scared of working hard. Pulling up my bootstraps and getting a job while scraping by.
No, I felt so overwhelmed about this because I realized what it will cost the rest of the people in Luke’s congregation. This choice will cause them to lose theirs.
Harper looks at me again. “So, where are you going today?”
“I saw an ad online for a job. It’s at a daycare and says you can bring your kids. So, I’m gonna go in and check it out.”
“Really?” Harper asks. “That seems like a lot to manage, watching your kids plus someone else’s.”
“Yes, I realize that. But I don’t have a lot of options if I want to leave Luke. And—” I want to tell her it wouldn’t be so hard if she hadn’t been so cruel to Hawk that night.
If she hadn’t pushed him away, maybe he could have helped me sort all of this out.
Harper and Jaxon made it clear what they think about my choices. I can’t stay here any longer.
“Listen, Honor,” she says. “Things have been so tense this week. And Jaxon and I were only trying to do what was best for you.”
I scoff, so irritated with her. “You have no idea what is best for me. You aren’t me. Harper, I just don’t understand how someone like you can judge me. After all you’ve been through.” I shake my head, tears in my eyes. The boys are all strapped into their car seats and I don’t want to make them wait much longer.
“You’re not seeing things from my point of view,” Harper says, reaching for my arm.
I pull away.
“I understand your point of view perfectly. You got everything you wanted.”
“That doesn’t mean I can’t understand—”
“Yes, it does Harper. It means you don’t understand at all. Things worked out perfectly for you, you got caught in a winter snowstorm and pounded on Jaxon’s door. You fell into his arms and had his babies. You got your happily ever after. My life... it isn’t happily ever after anything. And I thought... I thought I might get that with Hawk. But he left and I don’t know if he is ever coming back. Now I’m alone. And you know what? I may not have any money, but I have a lot of love. And I still have hope. And even if it’s going to be really hard—I can do this. I don’t need you. I can do this all by myself.”
I pull away from her, knowing the ticking clock on my life is picking up speed.
Time is running out.
I may talk a big talk, but I know I need to make a plan. Because otherwise, I’m going back to Luke.
Whatever I choose, I’m making this choice on my own.
– –
I have the application all filled out and ready to turn back in.
I’m applying for the job at the daycare, although the woman looked at me warily after I told her how many babies I would have with me.
“It might work, you just have to be willing to start really soon. Our other girl is leaving at the end of next week. You need to be reliable. You can’t call in sick. Which means you have to keep your kids healthy too.”
“And the pay?” I asked.
“It’s 10 bucks an hour.”
I swallowed. Ten bucks an hour, before taxes and social security. It leaves me with seven dollars and some change. Times 40 hours a week. Times four weeks... It would be so tight.
But I can make it work. With foods stamps and WIC. I just need to find a one-bedroom apartment that we can all squeeze into. That wouldn’t be hard either, heck, we’ve been living in a one-bedroom for the last month.
But I know I can’t have that life, even if I’ve sorted it all out in my head.
Because I’m sitting here in the bathroom. The kids are asleep. And my hands are shaking.
I can’t turn in that application.
I can’t take the job.
I know all of this because I must go back to Luke.
Because even before I take the test I know the reality of the situation.
I’ve been here three times before. My breasts are tender. I’m a week late.
I pee on the stick, wait 60 seconds.
See the positive sign.
Pregnant.
; I can’t take a job at a daycare knowing how horrible my morning sickness gets. There’s no way I’d be able to care for my three kids, plus all the babies at the daycare, plus carrying a child.
I did this to myself. In the heat of the moment with Hawk, the condom broke, and after that, we didn’t even bother.
All I thought about when I was with him was love. Pure unadulterated love.
But now? Now I feel like a fool.
I press my hand against my belly, tears streaking my face.
I don’t regret for a moment being pregnant.
I have Hawk’s baby within me, even if he doesn’t want me, this is the most pure manifestation of love in the world.
There is only one thing I regret. And that is not opening the bathroom door the night he left.
Chapter Eighteen
Honor
Maybe if Hawk had come back for me. Maybe if he had fought harder.
Fought at all.
But it’s been a week since he left. A week since my body was wrapped in his arms.
And maybe some people would think that one week is not a very long time, but my life has never been on the same trajectory as other people’s.
I was promised to Luke young, had babies young, ran away from a monster young, and fell head over heels when I was young.
I’ve never had the luxury of living my life in slow motion. Every milestone has been accelerated. Which makes every day feel like a week and every week feel like a month and every month feel like a year.
My birth certificate may say that I’m twenty-two years old, but I feel like an old soul.
And I’m trying to be brave.
I’ve been angry at Harper. She could make this easier on me. Jaxon could make things easier, too. But I’m trying to not hold these things against them; they helped me when I was in the biggest crisis of my life—until this latest one—and instead of wallowing in my reality, I’m trying to be brave.
Trying to be strong.
Thomas cries, tugging at me. “Mama, no,” he bellows as I break down the Pack ‘n Play. “Stay.”
My phone rings, but I let it go to voicemail; I have too much to do right now.
“Baby, it’s time to go, okay?” I kiss his little fist and watch as he goes back to his little race cars.
Harper walks into the guest room, shaking her head. “Where are you going now?”
“We’re leaving.”
She looks at me incredulously. “You can’t go.”
“You can’t have it both ways, Harper. You can’t be mad I’m leaving, but then tell me how I have to live under your roof. I have a family to take care of. I can’t be living here knowing you’re going to judge me.”
I feel brave for the words I use, some people might think it’s weak of me to go back to Luke’s house, but I don’t feel like that at all.
I left in the first place because I was trying to give my children a better life. And when he started calling two days ago, telling me my time had run out, that he was coming for his children, I made a new plan.
So, my plan is this: I’m going to go home to Luke, to my sister-wives. The children know that house, feel safe there, and I’ll take the next three months before I start showing and try to save as much money as I can.
I’ll convince Kind and True that they should leave, too. The three of us can go to social services together and ask for help. Luke doesn’t give us access to bank accounts, but we get grocery money every week, and household expenditure money too. I think if we pull together we’ll have enough money to leave.
And then we can involve CPS. Tell them why we had to go. Together.
I can’t leave those women without any way of getting out. Together we can be strong.
The phone call went to voicemail and I pick up and listen to the message, ignoring Harper who is still standing in the doorway.
It’s Luke. “I’m on my way to get you, Honor. I’m not messing around, it’s time you return to your family.”
I swallow, knowing this is the best option. For me. For my boys.
I pretend that my heart isn’t broken over Hawk letting me go.
I walk past Harper and head to the living room. I secure Titus in a sling and Timothy and Thomas straggle behind me.
“So where exactly are you going?” Harper asks.
I swallow my bitterness toward her, but if she could’ve been a little bit more patient, a little bit more open, this wouldn’t be happening right now.
Even as I think it, though, I know it’s not fair to blame any of this on Harper. She’s doing the best she can.
“Did you apply for another job or...” She bites her bottom lip, setting her baby in the swing.
“No, I’m not getting a job, I’m actually going home. Luke’s on his way right now.”
Harper’s jaw drops. “No way, you can’t go back to him.” She shakes her head, tears in her eyes. “Jaxon and I were trying to do the right thing. And we’ve been trying to talk to you all week, but you shut us out. We understand you’re angry that we told Hawk to leave, but he’s no good for—”
“That’s the problem, Harper. You’re so scared of me getting hurt you don’t even realize your choices are the ones that are hurting me. Hawk never hurt me. You did.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to protect you.”
“By telling me who I can love?”
“You really think you love Hawk?” Harper looks incredulous.
“What happened to the Harper I used to know? The Harper who was willing to risk everything for the man she loved?” I ask. “I came here because I thought you were less judgmental than the people I go to church with. But Harper, you’re so close-minded.”
My words hit her in the gut, and she gasps, covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh, Honor, I’m so ashamed. You’re right, it’s not my place to tell you how to live your life.” She wipes the tears on her cheeks. “Please forgive me, it was so wrong of me.”
“I just don’t understand why you dug your heels in so hard,” I say.
“Honor you came here so you could be free, and I saw you with Hawk that night, and the only thing I could think was that you were going to be stuck with him forever. You were going to get yourself tied up in another man the same way you did with Luke.”
I drop my head back. “But I wanted to be tied up with Hawk. And now he’s gone and he hasn’t called and... so I made my choice. Luke is coming for me.”
“No, you can’t go with him, stay here and we will call Haw—”
I step toward her resting my hand on her arm. “I don’t want any more handouts. This isn’t what I would’ve planned, but I’m going to carve a path for my own future. I hoped that future was with Hawk, but—”
“But now you’re going to give your future to Luke?” Harper asks incredulously.
I shake my head. I explain to her my plan. How I’m going to convince Kind and True to go with me to CPS. I’m going to save money and get a job.
I’m not going to leave those two stuck with Luke.
“I just don’t think you’ve thought this all through,” Harper says.
I shake my head. “Harper, you’re doing it again. You think you know what’s best for me.”
“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t easy, and Jaxon and I have just made it harder.”
“You can help by helping me load the van.”
Harper covers her face, clearly shocked that I am determined to go through with this. Instead of arguing anymore, she simply nods her head and grabs a bag from my bedroom.
As she walks outside, I see that she’s already pressed a phone to her ear. I can’t make out what she’s saying, but I can guess she’s talking to Jaxon.
I keep loading up the van, with our clothes and the kids’ toys, not quite sure when Luke will show up.
It’s sooner than I expect. He pulls up and parks his car behind my van. He steps out, glaring at me.
I’ve still got Titus in the sling, and Timothy and Thomas are playing in the grass. W
hen he sees them, he plasters a big smile on his face.
I know the only reason he wants me back is to save face. So, that the church believes that he has a perfect family like God destined for him.
“You all packed up?” he asks. “I didn’t hear back from you after I called. You are supposed to return my calls, Honor.”
“I’ve been busy. But the van is packed and ready to go,” I say.
Luke steps closer to me and pulls me into an embrace. My back stiffens, my breath hot, my skin crawling with memories I want to forget.
In the month apart from him, I totally forgot how utterly horrible he is to be around. As I made my plans, I seemed to forget how terrible he makes me feel, how he pretends to be a saint when deep down I know he’s a monster.
Harper walks out of the house, looks at him tightly. “Jaxon’s on his way, Luke. He doesn’t want you on his property,” she tells him with fiery eyes. “So, don’t try anything.”
“Not gonna try anything, Honor’s my wife. I can do with her how I please,” he simpers.
“She’s not your wife. This is not a legal marriage.”
Just then, Jaxon’s truck barrels down the driveway and he parks, jumping out of it before it even stops running, as if he can’t bear the idea of Harper and me being here alone with Luke.
I admit that there is an echo of relief from seeing him here.
“She’s not coming with you,” Jaxon tells them.
“Oh yes, she is. Ask her yourself. Are you coming home with me, darlin’?” He wraps his arm around my waist. My entire body tenses, I close my eyes.
“Yes, I’m going home with Luke.”
Harper shakes her head, “Jaxon, this is our fault. We got between her and Hawk.”
Luke steps away from me glaring between the three of us. “Her and who?” he asks.
“No one,” I tell him. “Nothing. Harper was just—”
Jaxon shakes his head at Harper as if willing her to stay quiet.
“What are you saying?” Luke asks. “Have you been whoring around?”
“Don’t,” I beg him, “the kids are right here.”
“So, it’s true. You’ve been a little slut while you’ve been away?”