The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse

by Mumfrey, W. H.

  1. QUICKLY SCAN THE HORIZON. Avoid the urge to close your eyes. You can accelerate to more than 60 miles per hour in less than four seconds, so you have very little time to prepare for impact. Quickly look around and locate the closest land mass. You will need to swim there after hitting the water.

  2. POSITION YOUR BODY FEET DOWN. Hold your legs straight, crossing them at the ankles. Your legs must be firmly clasped together to avoid impact trauma to your genitalia.

  3. HOLD YOUR NOSE. To avoid the possibility of a “nasal enema,” hold your nose firmly with one hand. Tuck your arm firmly against your body. Use your other hand to hold your first arm tightly in place.

  WARNING

  Freefall diving is a high-risk activity and should not be attempted unless in the most life-threatening circumstances. All other alternatives should be considered before jumping. The diver must have perfect concentration and timing to enter the water in the correct position. The body is exposed to enormous deceleration forces on impact, and all but the trained athlete will have little chance of survival. If the gods smile upon you and you do survive the impact, then you only have to worry about hypothermia, ocean currents, sharks or crocodiles, exhaustion, and drowning before reaching shore.

  4. FACE FORWARD. Tense your neck muscles so that you're looking straight ahead. Make yourself as streamlined as possible by keeping your body straight.

  5. ENTER THE WATER FEET FIRST. Entering the water in any other position from this height without extensive training could result in serious injuries or death.

  6. SPREAD OUT YOUR ARMS AND LEGS. Once your body has entered the water, spread your arms and legs out to stop yourself from going any deeper. Having plunged into the water at more than 60 miles per hour, you will probably be about 10 feet under the surface. If you find yourself disoriented, follow the bubbles as they ascend to the surface.

  7. SWIM TO SHORE. After reaching the surface of the water, turn in the direction of land and begin swimming for shore.

  8. SEEK SHELTER. You will need to take evasive action for the next twelve to twenty-four hours. Your alien enemies will undoubtedly be looking for you.

  How to Survive in the Vacuum of Space

  The likelihood of an unprotected human being surviving in space has been a hot topic for discussion since the 1968 classic science-fiction film 2001: A Space Odyssey, in which astronaut Dave Bowman “blows” himself from the pod into the airlock without a helmet. How long can a human survive if exposed to the vacuum of space? Would you explode? Would your blood boil? How long would you remain conscious? These are all important questions if you suddenly and unexpectedly find yourself expelled from an alien spacecraft while in orbit.

  Although, by its very nature, being alone in the vacuum of space is a frighteningly desperate predicament, there are a number of strategies that will help you regain control of the situation.

  1. EXPEL ALL THE AIR FROM YOUR LUNGS PRIOR TO DECOMPRESSION. It is imperative that you do not hold your breath during decompression. Just as scuba divers must remember to exhale as they ascend from the depths of the ocean, you must do the same prior to decompression. The sudden drop of external pressure will cause any air remaining in your lungs to expand rapidly, resulting in the shredding of the soft tissues in the lungs.

  2. CHEW SOME GUM. Although usually only a minor annoyance when flying in airplanes or driving in the mountains, blocked ears can pose a serious problem in space. Air pressure in your middle ear is usually the same as your outer ear. The Eustachian tube, a narrow channel connecting the middle ear with the throat, opens periodically in response to swallowing or yawning, allowing air to flow into or out of your middle ear, effectively equalizing the pressure. If the Eustachian tube is blocked due to a common cold, allergy attack, or sinus infection, explosive decompression can result in ruptured or perforated eardrums. Chew gum to help keep your Eustachian tube clear; if that doesn't work, try clearing them by gently exhaling while holding your nostrils closed and keeping your mouth shut.

  3. DON'T PANIC. The very thought of perishing within minutes in the cold vacuum of space will cause all but the most stout hearted to tremble. Yet at this time, like no other in your life, you must remain focused on the task at hand and not become distracted by such things as the novelty of zero gravity, the startling clarity of the stars around you, or how you wish you had put on a warm jacket before leaving home. Your actions within the next few seconds will determine whether you live or die.

  EXPLOSIVE DECOMPRESSION IN SPACE: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

  CAN I SURVIVE?

  Yes, if you can fight your way back into the spacecraft within approximately sixty seconds, there is a good chance of survival. Death is guaranteed after two to four minutes.

  HOW LONG WILL I REMAIN CONSCIOUS?

  From real-life accounts involving decompression in high-altitude aircraft and experimental decompression chambers, it is understood that you will probably have about ten to fifteen seconds of “useful” consciousness. During this time, you will still be able to perform manual tasks with some degree of dexterity. Soon after this, you will lose consciousness due to the lack of oxygen.

  WILL I EXPLODE?

  The short answer is no. Our skin and blood vessels are strong enough to prevent this from happening. Direct exposure to space for half a minute will not necessarily cause any permanent injury. However, rapid decompression can result in a large pressure differential between the inside and outside of the lungs. If airways are blocked (e.g., if you are holding your breath), the lungs can overexpand, creating pressures capable of rupturing and tearing the delicate tissues of the lungs. This will lead to bleeding, eventually resulting in the lungs being nothing more than a bloody pulp.

  WILL MY BLOOD BOIL?

  It is true to say that body fluids, including blood, will “boil” in a vacuum, but only in the sense that these fluids turn to vapor. Blood boiling is not an immediate problem for those faced with the vacuum of space. It will not vaporize within the period that you remain conscious because it is protected to some degree by your skin and circulatory system. Body fluids close to the surface of the skin will start to vaporize after ten seconds or so. The saliva in your mouth will begin to “boil” first, then the skin and underlying tissues will start swelling up to twice their normal size. Although unsightly and somewhat uncomfortable, this swelling is not life threatening and will reverse after recompression.

  WILL I FREEZE SOLID?

  Although the temperature in space is typically very cold (it can fall below –455°F [-271°C]), you will not instantly freeze because heat does not transfer away from the body very quickly. You have enough to worry about in the fifteen seconds of consciousness you have remaining besides turning into a human icicle.

  SHOULD I WEAR SUNBLOCK?

  Lack of oxygen and tissue injury from decompression and extreme temperatures are not your only concerns while in the vacuum of space. If your bare skin is exposed to direct sunlight, you also risk severe sunburn. Without the protection of the Earth's ozone layer to filter harmful ultraviolet radiation, exposure to sunlight can result in third-degree burns in less than thirty seconds.

  HOW LONG WILL I TAKE TO RECOVER?

  This depends on a variety of factors, including how long you were exposed. Short-term exposure may include temporary blindness, coughing, and painful swelling. Suffice it to say that you will not be in any physical state to engage in any form of combat with your alien captors until you have fully recuperated.

  4. HOLD ON TO THE SPACECRAFT. Do not let go of the spacecraft. Space is a zero-gravity environment, which means that if you drift out of reach of the spacecraft, there is no way you can get back. You cannot swim through space like in water. Wildly flailing your arms will not move you an inch. The third law of thermodynamics states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Or, to put it simply, unless you can find something to push against (e.g., a piece of debris from the airlock) to set you in motion back toward the spacecraft, you will continue
drifting in space forever. In a pinch, the chewing gum you use to help clear your ears could also be used to tether you to the spacecraft while you try to open the airlock hatch.

  THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  5. USE WHAT TOOLS YOU HAVE AT HAND TO TRY AND RE-ENTER THE SPACECRAFT. Look around you to see if there are any objects that you can use to jam in the airlock hatch as it is closing. The aliens may reopen the door to try and dislodge it, giving you an opportunity to re-enter the spacecraft.

  6. TAP ON THE HULL. If the airlock hatch is securely fastened, use any hard object at hand to tap SOS, the international distress signal, on the hull of the spacecraft. Although aliens may not recognize this code, it will alert them to the fact that you are still alive. This demonstration of your tenacity and determination to survive may impress them sufficiently to rescue you as a specimen worthy of further examination. This will provide you with future opportunities to attempt escape in a more conducive environment.

  COMMANDEERING AND PILOTING AN ALIEN SPACECRAFT

  Forget it. It is pure nonsense to believe that you are capable of flying an alien spacecraft. It may appear easy enough in Hollywood blockbusters such as Independence Day or Star Wars, but in reality there's a greater chance of you successfully landing a space shuttle blindfolded. Alien aerospace technologies are based on biometric integration with instrumentation specifically designed for their unique anatomy and physiology. They also utilize their powers of electrogenesis to directly control the craft with their minds.

  Although some unverified reports indicate that a human may have temporarily gained control of the downed Roswell spacecraft a few moments before impact, no one has ever come forward to substantiate these claims.

  EVADING RECAPTURE

  Don't think that your problems have come to an end the moment you get out of the alien spaceship and have your feet firmly back on planet Earth. The period of time immediately after your escape is potentially the most dangerous. Aliens are highly motivated to recapture escapees in order to prevent them from sharing with others the knowledge of aliens and their abduction tactics. Even if they decide it's not prudent to study you, aliens will at least recapture you to wipe your memory.

  The next twelve to twenty-four hours are critical if you are to avoid detection and subsequent re-abduction. It is during this crucial period that you are most vulnerable, both physically and psychologically. Many succumb to exhaustion during this period and make mistakes. Your response will determine whether you end up as just another abduction statistic or play a pivotal role in humanity's resistance to alien oppression.

  ON THE RUN: GENERAL GUIDELINES

  1. RUN LIKE HELL. It is important to put as much distance as you can between you and your abductors as quickly as possible. Aliens have not been known to travel on foot more than 600 feet from their spacecraft. Remember, you must be at least 15 feet from them to be outside the range of their electroparalysis.

  2. AVOID OPEN AREAS. When on the run from aliens, it is important to avoid isolated roads or trails, open fields, bridges, waterways, and manmade structures, such as sewage plants and public recreational grounds. Aliens tend to assume that you will be drawn to these familiar areas, and will patrol them to recapture you.

  3. HOLE UP. Find somewhere to hide as quickly as possible. Utilize any caves or tunnels you find in the local area. If none exist, locate the thickest vegetation you can find. When you have found a suitable hiding place, it is important that you do not go straight to it. Keep some degree of distance, circle around and enter it from a direction other than the one you were originally heading. Try not to disturb the vegetation as you enter. Once you are hidden, sit and listen, scanning the skies for any sign of lights or movement. Remember, most recaptures occur within the first thirty minutes of escape.

  4. AWAIT DAYLIGHT. Your escape will probably take place during the night. Nocturnal travel is dangerous. Aliens are creatures of the night in the truest sense. They have highly developed nocturnal vision, which puts them at a distinct sensory advantage. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they can't see you. Play it safe; wait for daybreak.

  5. ASSESS ANY INJURIES. Assess your physical condition. Check your body for any recent cuts or wounds. If any surgically precise wounds are found, suspect the presence of an alien implant. Fresh superficial implants must be removed immediately.

  6. HEAD FOR INHABITED AREAS. Your key to survival is to find a large inhabited area as soon as possible. The chances of being re-abducted decrease proportionally to the increase in the number of people around you. Develop a plan of action before you leave your hiding place. Your progress toward an inhabited area will be determined by a number of factors, including your physical condition, and the terrain, vegetation, and climate. Choose an indirect route toward your destination. Make sure that you do not travel in a straight line. Try to make at least one or two dramatic changes in direction along the way. Always choose the most obstacle-free routes with the best cover. Try to travel through areas with the thickest vegetation.

  7. USE YOUR INGENUITY. A successful escape will, to a large degree, depend on your ability to think on your feet. Adaptability and decisiveness are your strongest allies when on the run. Utilize any and all available resources at your disposal to achieve your goal.

  8. SET TRAPS. When resting, if time allows, setting alien traps (see trap examples in chapter 2) will not only alert you to alien incursions into your “safe zone,” but will also, if triggered, act as a deterrent against further pursuit. Position a variety of traps along the most direct routes to your position.

  AVOIDING DETECTION BY ALIEN THERMAL IMAGING TECHNOLOGY

  Aliens use a range of technologies to hunt their human quarry, including thermal imaging devices that detect heat energy given off by the body. These instruments make it particularly challenging to evade detection even in the dead of night. They are not foolproof, however.

  First, if you feel that an abduction attempt is imminent while driving a vehicle, stop and get out. Hot engines radiate an enormous amount of heat that is easily traceable. You have a much better chance on foot.

  While fleeing a scene, avoid leaving a heat trail. Your body heat is transferred to anything you touch, and these objects can be readily detected as “hot spots” on an otherwise cool background by thermal imaging equipment. Aliens will be able to follow your heat trail like footprints on a beach. Avoid direct contact with your surroundings as much as possible.

  You can deceive thermal imaging devices by utilizing available resources to alter your human heat signature. Cover yourself in leaves, mud, or snow as a means of environmental camouflage. Immerse yourself in water. Hide among warm objects that can mask your presence, such as a herd of cows or under an air-conditioning unit. Traveling while it is raining or snowing will also make it more difficult for them to track you.

  And finally, remember that thermal imaging devices cannot penetrate through barriers such as domestic walls or dense vegetation. If possible, avoid open areas and hide within enclosed spaces.

  Although you may rehearse various escape scenarios to perfection and prepare both your mind and your body for any eventuality, things may not always go according to plan. There may come a time when even your best efforts to escape from the clutches of your adversary are thwarted by circumstances beyond your control. It is at this point that you should stop, turn, and face your enemy. No more Mr. Nice Guy. It's time to get nasty. It's time to go on the attack.

  4

  ATTACK

  When you consider attacking, remain calm, then suddenly attack first and quickly.

  —Miyamoto Musashi

  CHAPTER SUMMARY

  There comes a time when caution and restraint must be thrown to the wind. You cannot rely on the authorities to come to your aid in a moment of intergalactic crisis. It's up to you, and you alone, to take control of the situation.

  You need not be a martial-arts or military-weapons expert to emerge victorious from a physical confrontatio
n with an alien. Once their primary defenses are down, they are no match for the determined human being. Our species has a rich genetic history of violence and, when placed in a dire situation, even the most sedate, mild-mannered individuals are capable of unprecedented and vicious acts of aggression to protect themselves and their loved ones from evil. The rules of civil society do not apply when faced with an alien wielding an anal probe. There comes a time when you must unleash that primal violence that lies dormant in us all. It's simply a matter of changing your mindset: Do you negotiate a truce with a bothersome household fly? Do you try to reconcile the differences of opinion you have with mice in your pantry? Do you seek mediation to resolve the conflict with disease-causing microorganisms? There can be no negotiation, only extermination. Humanity, especially your own personal slice of it, must prevail at all costs. When interacting with aliens, the word No! can be most articulately expressed with a .44 Magnum.

  ON THE ATTACK: GENERAL GUIDELINES

  Aliens are, by their very nature, unpredictable. You just never know when you will have a close encounter. When an incident occurs, you will not be able to say, “Hang on. I don't have my Smith & Wesson handy. Can you come back in half an hour?” You will be forced to engage the enemy with the resources you have available at a moment's notice. To do this, you must be both physically and mentally prepared.